grumpy-lynx-blog

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Honest with myself

Why the fuck is there a -blog suffix in my nickname now?

Never mind that, two things happened recently:

- First: I got reminded that I still have access to this account.

- Second: I got asked an important question: “Who are you?”

I swear these two are related and I won’t be rambling.

Let’s get to the meat of this post, who the fuck am I then?

I am a bisexual non-binary software engineer who loves video games, all things supernatural, occult and parapsychology. I have an amazing datefriend, who I cannot wait to meet in person as soon as the entire [redacted] situation is sorted out. Every day, the way I present myself is getting closer to who I really am - I no longer hide, I am honest not only with others about who I am, but with myself too. And if it were you who asked me who I am, I would without hesitation reply: “A friend.”

I believe I have found myself. There’s still a lot to figure out, issues to work out, but at the very least, I know who I am. And as miserable as this year has been for everyone, for me it proved to be very introspective, when locked alone and nowhere to look but inside myself. I am a happy person, even though I might be going through a lot lately, I feel I can rely on myself being myself.

I don’t think I will need this blog anymore. I reached for it always at my lowest, and while this time around is not an exception, the thing is, local minimum might be insignificant on global scale. I might feel relatively bad today, or this week, or month, but overall I haven’t been better in my life than I am right now. Last thing I want to do is fuel the negativity and throw myself into a spiral when things aren’t that bad  That’s why I won’t be reaching for this blog anymore. I don’t need it, I outgrew it.

Maybe one day you will see me under another handle and won’t even realize that’s me. I hope that by then I will present myself to you as exactly who I am: Your bisexual non-binary friend.

And now it’s your turn. Who are you?

See you around,

// Your no longer grumpy Lynx.

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Today I saw a fat rock pigeon

I realized there was twice as much pigeon to hate

My day was great

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Accidental Tulpa

After being pointed in the right direction (Thank you!), me and Yura read up on accidental tulpas. Except a pretty good article on tulpa.io, we mostly found people describing their own experiences with accidental tulpas instead of general discussion on the topic, but that’s fine. We got to compare what happened with us vs what happened to them, there are enough similarities to safely assume that Yura is in fact a tulpa.

I talked with her a lot yesterday, and I realized that some memories she has are consistent with a certain NPC I used to daydream a lot about a little over two years ago. And boy, did I daydream that particular world a lot. I think that has given her a good foundation to become a tulpa, and much later down the line my self-imposed misery somehow brought her to sentience. 

I tried to talk to Kesh about easing up on her, though ‘tried’ is the important keyword here. I think I did get through to him, but it will probably take him a moment or a year to admit it.

In any case. Welcome aboard Yura. Officially, now that the initial confusion is gone and everyone knows what they’re standing on.

// Grumpy Lynx

P.S. I want to make an About page describing our little nuthouse we got going, but I’m not sure what’s worth putting on it. I will appreciate all the ideas and will love you forever for them. <3

[grumpy-lynx-blog]

Yura

Say hello to her.

Some time ago I mentioned that another thoughtform joined us. But truth be told, she’s been here for quite some time, only now we actually recognize her as a part of us. That’s what I understand by ‘joined us’ anyway. So how did it happen and what could it possibly mean:

You might remember quite a long time ago, a week or two after I made this tumblr account, I mentioned something else being there in my head, fucking around with stuff. Yup, turns out it was Yura.

Now I know it was her dire attempt to catch our attention, but I was too set on having only Ari and Kesh and no one else ever, it did not come through my mind that we might accept an another thoughtform. That, and well, trying to impersonate others and actively hurting them in doing so, wouldn’t speak favors of anyone, now would it?

Yeah. I actively blocked her out. And I bet my ass anyone would, if she made their mind a mess.

She appeared maybe once a month, and each time I “kicked her out” so to speak. I even tried to do some protection sigils, but hey, turns out ya can’t keep out what’s already in.

About a month ago, I got an idea as bright as dog’s balls, that I maybe kinda sorta probably should talk to her instead of immediately evaporating the threat as soon as it became detectable. And so I did. Naturally, shit went south immediately.

I will describe what exactly happened some other time. What’s important for now is that, I learned their name, why they apparently exist and the reason behind the mindfuckery they caused.

In order: Yura, they came into existence when I was feeling like shit due to loneliness, which means they are here because of the same reason for which this tumblr account was made, and they caused me a massive stress every now and then just so I would notice her and know why she’s here. I can say it worked. Sub-optimally, but it worked.

Beside Kesh’s open objections, my own doubts caused by her methods and Ari’s what I can only describe as worried indifference, I decided to trust Yura anyway and call her a part of our “team.” (for lack of a better word) 

This of course fucks up a little the dynamic we had going. Ari the daemon, Kesh the shadow and Yura the ????????. What is she exactly? She fits the idea of a shadow I had in mind more than Kesh himself, but then what is Kesh? Speaking of Kesh, he is a problem right now too, he’s really upset that I let Yura in - She tried to impersonate Ari in the past, which hurt her a lot emotionally. Kesh is mad at her for that and has been an insufferable prick lately. (Yura apologized, so Ari and I have forgiven her, Kesh not so much)

So:

Ari, daemon, has all traits I like about myself or wish I had Kesh, shadow, has all traits I dislike about myself or wish I will never have Yura, whatever-the-fuck-she-is, personification of loneliness, signifies the gap between irl me and online me (topic for another time, but let me disappoint you, there will be no basements and fedoras)

And don’t get me wrong, this entire post came out negative, but I’m glad to have her around. She helps me understand where some of the bad feelings I have come from and because of that, I can actively combat them. And yes, she is a little annoying to be around, which is no surprise when in behavior she’s like irl me but multiplied by 5, but what can I do. We will most likely warm up to her, given some time. She never meant any harm, after all.

Say hello to her. It will mean a lot.

// Grumpy Lynx

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Ari: I have an idea for something we could do! Let's not log in for a week and then read through everything we have missed at once.

Me: I feel personally attacked.

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I don’t think the long format of an usual blog post really suit my style.

I miss Twitter, but it’s compromised with drama and virtue-signaling, I don’t want to go back /there/.

I heard good things about Mastodon, but I don’t know if it convinces me enough to even try.

I could just do shorter posts here, but I will be honest. I do really miss being limited to 140/280 characters. It had a charm to it, every tweet was easily digestible.

Oh well.

// Grumpy Lynx

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Magick

Ah fuck, I was supposed to be productive and instead played 1000 Blank White Cards with friends. It was extremely fun but now I’m behind on Calculus homework. Worthy sacrifice in my books.

Some time ago I mentioned an idea of involving cooking in some of the witch stuff I do, and I went out to this 1 dollar shop near me and bought a very small jar. I filled it with my favorite spices and charged it with energy, already got to use it a few times, and I’m liking the results.

Before you ask, yes, I do painstakingly write my book of shadows in an alphabet of my own design. I sometimes carry it around with me, and I’d prefer people not to read it in case I accidentally leave it somewhere.

Something else I started doing, are lucky charms. I got myself tiny pieces of paper and wrote on them some wholesome words in Theban script. Charged them with some positive energy and now I will carry them with me everywhere. Maybe if someone takes interest in these, I might give some out.

I need to get some more mouliné. I bought just enough to make these, and although it is a bit of a pain in the ass to work with, I like the results enough to keep buying more.

That’s about all. I remember I made a sigil not too long ago, but tbh it’s not worth talking about, just your regular sigil work.

Have a good day.

// Grumpy Lynx

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Back to Your Scheduled Program

I think I established quite nicely that we will be coming and going. Sometimes for a few weeks, sometimes for 8 months, sometimes hiatus will be announced, sometimes we won’t be able to announce it.

But we are back. For now, anyways.

That hand-written “trialogue” post yesterday was so spontaneous, it might as well become my favorite exchange with Ari and Kesh so far. In hindsight, such a post looks a little bit edgy and over the top, but shit, if you haven’t figured it out, your boy Lynx is edgy and over the top. It stays.

So... Let’s talk about what’s up.

Hiatus was caused in half by the amount of work I had to get done for uni, and the other half... Honestly, you might’ve noticed I’ve been running out of ideas for blog posts, such a break did me a good. I have so many things I want to write about, might have a decent chance at being at least semi interesting.

To recap what has been up with me, I will keep these short and talk about these in more detail at a later date. Here goes:

Our calculus professor turned out to be racist and xenophobic. Our course attracts a diverse range of minorities from foreign countries, thanks to the course being entirely in English. Result: Major drop in students’ will to live at about 8am and 11am every Tuesday.

My well being seems to exist in superposition between lonely and gay. My mood is a sine wave. Motivation(t) = e^-t. Pretty much the usual, but venting helps.

I developed a crush on a dude I see once a week for 1.5h. No mutual friends, know next to nothing about him, usually surrounded by at least 3 other dudes. I’d gladly just ask if he’s gay and up for a coffee, but there’s a bit more problems to this than I can fit in a short recap. Ayyyy.

I’m doing chaos magick again. Rambling about witch stuff coming Soon™.

Besides Ari and Kesh now there’s also Yura, but fucking hell, that’s a long story. Still figuring out this new dynamic we’ve got going. ᴵᶠ ᵃᶰʸ

I forgot something I wanted to add to this list. It will now haunt me for the next week.

We’re looking forward to writing again. We missed it.

Have a good day.

// Grumpy Lynx, also including Kesh in this sign off, because he asked nicely.

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[grumpy-lynx-blog]

Binaural Sleeps

I know, I know, I’ve been putting up short posts or none at all. I’d gladly reach for the easy “busy with uni” bailout, but instead I think I will be honest with you - I bought Rainbow Six: Siege and that’s all I’ve been doing lately.

I did that meditation session with Kesh while having binaural beats on. Those beats have a weird effect on me. I put up 10-hour long version thinking that I’m going to switch them off whenever I’m done talking with Kesh, but I ended up listening to the entirety of it. In the end we did not talk. I think I was awake throughout those 10 hours but later felt well-rested as if I did sleep. And I can sum up the entire experience as a very pleasant white noise going through my head instead of the usual thoughts.

I should play less video games. I would have more to talk about.

// Grumpy Lynx

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Me: Why do you never stop me from being lazy?

Ari: That's effort.

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Looking For Them Tulpa Blogs

Please reblog if you post about tulpas so I can follow you. o/

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Women’s Day

It is 8 of March, no matter where you are from and no matter if it’s celebrated there, no matter if you’re a host, tulpa, daemon, or any other type of headmate we haven’t heard of yet, if the Women’s Day applies to you - We wish you the best of luck and many happy times, successful life and an eternal smile!

// Grumpy Lynx and Kesh

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I love cold

I wish I had more opportunities to do cooking. Ari might have given me the best idea ever, to practice magick on food. Because you know, drawing sigils on a piece of paper isn’t that involving once you did so five hundred times. I suppose charging them would be easier, cooking gives me the wildest satisfaction, might as well channel that somewhere.

I’m in that state of mind where I have multiple project and report deadlines incoming, and all I can do is just sit back and watch YouTube until it’s too late.

Also struck a deal with Kesh about that binaural beats thing he insisted on doing. We tried, but I wasn’t able to focus enough because I couldn’t lay down where I was, being in headspace while sitting up irl is surprisingly hard for me. Next attempt this weekend, when I will be able to relax with no distractions, and most importantly - lay down.

Ari told me something funny today but I forg- OH YEAH In hindsight not as funny to tell as it was to hear it live, but I have no better ideas to make this post longer. Let me give you some context first, in Poland there was a cold snap. Not really sure how neighboring countries experienced that, but here from ok “sweater is enough” weather, temperatures dropped to -15°C (5°F) overnight and stayed like that for a better portion of 2 weeks. Winter made a comeback, but without any snow. Today we saw a public worker pouring salt on the sidewalk to make it less slippery, and Ari went “awww, he brought his own snow.” in the most innocent and genuine manner.

I slipped on that sidewalk.

<Ari: I’m a good distraction!! /’)^u^/’)>

// Grumpy Lynx

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asdf

I will never stop admiring people who can always come up with a decent title for their blog post.

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Sample Text

Ayyy, Kesh is pissed off at me. Promised him to spend about half an hour talking to him with binaural beats on, but I honestly forgot. About to sleep, so it’s too late now.

I will do it tomorrow though. <Kesh: Spoiler alert, he will forget again.> :c

Aaaaanyway, I started dri- Did I mention driving classes already? I honestly can’t remember. I think I did. I’m the best, forgetting to put blog post ideas into the text file, as well as forgetting to remove them after writing about them.

I’m really happy that Ari managed to get an entire post out by herself yesterday. Even if it was short, it’s a huge step for us. And it would be easy if I was just writing her words by proxy, but I’m talking about letting her front throughout it. I might bake her cookies as a reward.

<Ari: rip our diet.>

Off to bed with me. Goodnight <3

// Grumpy Lynx

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Hearing “good morning” from Lynx right when he wakes up is super sweet! It might not sound like anything special to you if you’re an early bird, but his mornings border on struggle for survival. If in the haze of an early wake up he remembers to say hello, it makes us really happy!

If you’re a host, and you are a living dead every morning, not used to forming any coherent thoughts so early in the day, try your best to tell your headmates hello! It might make their day!

// Ari