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groovy-gate · 2 years ago

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Vent Post

This one isnt gonna be as graphic as the last one

I found myself thinking about my gruncle (my grandpas brother) and how he had had a degree of intellectual disability. Apparently he got a really bad fever as a kid and it sort of fried his brain. He owed a candy shop and overcharged everybody. His candy store was a unofficial historical landmark in the town he lived in with his sister (wont be talking about her because that is a whole separate topic that needs its own post). I hated visiting him, but after Hurricane Maria he got really sick. He'd been a smoker for a good chunk of his life and it led to him developing throat cancer. I was studying nursing at the time so I effectively became his personal nurse. I had already been a nurse to my paternal grandma a few months before (another thing that needs its own post because seeing brain cancer destroy her forever changed me and killed my ambitions to be a nurse) and had to see her die a slow, unfair and cruel death so I was past my breaking point. But he was family and I was raised watching as my parents sacrificed their own wellbeing to deal with family issues so I of course had to do the same thing.

I resented him and I was cold to him, but I knew that his tantrums and baggage wasnt his fault. He had been delt a shitty hand and had to live with it. I wanted him to die already a sentiment I also began to feel towards my paternal grandpa. I had moved in with him and was basically taking care of him along with my dad.

Im just going on tangents at this point, I want to get to the main point I wanted to get across. After hurricane Maria my life went to shit and its never recovered. i try and try to get better, but I dont think I can, at least not by myself. Im gathering energy to finally see a psycologist but its a slow process that im hoping these posts will help with.

To wrap up the story about my gruncle, we ended up putting him in a nursing home after he got a tracheotomy. He had to breath through a tube in his neck and I was the only one that bothered to clean it when it got plugged up with mucus. Each visit to the nursing home, I knew I would have to do this because none of the nurses there gave a shit. I last saw him before my big move. About a month later he was dead, apparently he died in his sleep. Im pretty sure he died from asphyxiation because nobody cleaned the tube. I know its not my fault but I cant help but blame myself for not making sure that simple process was taken care off.

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groovy-gate · 3 years ago

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Content Warning: self harm, suicide

I'm making this post because I want to start dealing with all my unresolved trauma. I turned 30 last year and it's really hit me hard, I honestly think I'm going through a 1/3 life crisis. I don't want to get to 40 and still be lugging around all this baggage. So writing it all down will hopefully give me some cathartics. Also if I ever get around to seeing a therapist, I wanna be able to send them this post, I'm sure they can make good use of it somehow.

My experience with sex and sexual abuse.

It's gonna get very messy and explicit so heads up.

Part 1: Early childhood and gradeschool

Content warnings - underage, incest, explicit sexual acts, sexual abuse.

I grew up in a super religious household with parents who were obviously staying together because they had kids. Both worked long hours and I rarely got to see them. They obviously did their best given the circumstances so I can't exactly put all the blame on them, but I am gonna elaborate on how their minimal presence early in my life affected me. My dad specifically worked two jobs so we never developed a proper father/son bond. So from the get go I really didn't have a healthy relationship with my parents so they couldn't really help me nor did I feel comfortable confiding in them.

The first time I saw porn I was maybe in 3-4th grade, a classmate told me that at midnight I should tune my cable box to a specific channel. They didn't tell me why or what was on that channel. A simple task to do as both my parents always arrived dead tired so I had minimal adult supervision. When I turned into the channel I saw this man and women having passionate sex in a green screen room. They had projected static unto the green screen so the whole act was very bizarre. I didn't know what I was watching but I knew that I shouldn't be watching it. I turned it off after a few minutes and then went to sleep. The next day at school, my classmates told me that what I watched was porn. What adults did for fun. That following night I tuned into the channel again, I was curious and wanted to know more, and this time they were showing this women masturbating with an umbrella. That was my first look at a vagina. I didn't know what she was doing at the time and I didn't try to rationalize, I just started at the crt screen taking it all in. I turned off the TV shortly after and went back to sleep. Those are my first two earliest memories with porn, not exactly the most healthiest exposure right? I eventually told my parents about it and that's when I learned all about the wonderful world of Christian hell and with that my complex relationship with sex truly began. I didn't want to go to hell so I avoided that chanel and tried to not think about what I had seen. After that talk my folks did away with the cable box and that's were that story ends. But it wasn't the only experience with sex I had during that period. There was another key moment that is seared into my brain. It involves me and my male cousin taking a bath together. I don't recall much of what happened but I know that he talked about his penis and thennl he showed it to me, he then started pissing in the bath and on me, it was all done in a joking manner so I didn't think much of it till wayyyy later. He was around 20 years at the time while I was maybe under 10. I wasn't sure how to feel at the time and I ended up suppressing that memory for years to come. It's only recently that I remembered it and it was definitely a fucked up thing to do with a child. He has since become a hermit so idk what's been going on with his life. Tho that wouldn't be the first time I would experience such intimacy with a cousin but more on that during my time in middle school.

So by the end of elementary I didn't exactly have the most healthy perception of sex and sexuality, I couldn't count on my parents because of their religious beliefs, my peers didn't know any better and I didn't trust my teachers so I couldn't talk to them. Safe to say I was a god damn mess going into middle school altho I didn't know it at the time.

Part 2 will involve my time in middle school and after writing all this down I'm feeling mentally exhausted so I will get around to it when I'm in the proper headspace.

#sex #sexual abuse #childhood #vent post #grade school #porn #incest

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groovy-gate · 3 years ago

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