grlwithapen

[grlwithapen]

Jordan Belfort🗣️

[grlwithapen]

Everyone doesn't need a mic

Which is why I have a pen

You have autonomy

Use your ears

Use your eyes

But remember

Everyone doesn't need a mic

But luckily I have a pen

[grlwithapen]

summer strike (2022)

[grlwithapen]

The only person there is to blame is myself

Yet there's actually nothing i'm at fault for

At times i feel foolish for loving the way I do

But thats my problem

And no one else's

You may wonder why i feel foolish

"What is foolish about love?"

But i would answer

"What is not?"

Why give what I can't receive?

Why give when it's not safe?

How would i even know if it's safe?

I was abused growing up

And well into my early adulthood

So what do i know about love?

Nothing

Maybe this entire time

When i thought i was giving love

I was simply giving what i thought love was

In order to receive what i hoped love would be

Maybe I'm just too critical of myself

Or maybe I'm thinking to deeply into it

Perhaps i'm just desperate

And maybe it shows

But maybe

Just maybe

If i was shown what true love was in my household

I wouldn't be this way

But then

I wouldn't be this way

And i wouldn't learn

And this is my responsibility now

To learn what love is from the ground up

Most of the time we learn what love is from the time we are born

From our parents

But in my case

I didn't

And now I'm tasked with the heinous responsibility of learning what love is

How to give it

How to receive it

What it looks like

What it sounds like

But at this moment

I know none of those answers

So i feel foolish

Foolish for thinking i understood something enough to give it

Foolish for thinking I was receiving it

But i'm no victim here

Because maybe all i was doing

Was simply giving what i thought love was

In order to receive what i hoped love would be

And maybe one day i will experience this phenomenon

This phenomenon we call love

But for now

The only person there is to blame is myself

Yet there's actually nothing i'm at fault for

[grlwithapen]

Waiting for your heard to break will cause you to break it on your own

-

I need no one else to break my heart, I do it almost everyday

-

"Am i good enough?"

"Pretty enough?"

"Skinny enough?"

"Smart enough?"

-

I need no one else to break my heart, i do it almost everyday

-

I push away those that love me, and isolate myself with the very one who berates me; myself

It's like putting myself in a cage with a lion

But the lion is me

And i've chained the door shut

But i also have the key

-

I never knew how much trauma i had until i met someone who loved me

-

I constantly ask myself "why?"

"Why me?"

"Why are they so patient with me?"

"Why do they always tell me how pretty I am?"

"Why are they so nice to me?"

-

Its sad when love makes you think that being alone may be better

And not because you're getting cheated on

Or abused

-

But because you're being loved

And thats not at all what you're used to

-

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm utterly terrified

-

But I'm happy

-

Im blessed to have someone in my life who found the key to that cage

And is willing to sit in the cage with me until I'm comfortable leaving

-

Love is scary

-

But it's scarier alone

[grlwithapen]

I don't know when i became avoidant. It seems like it happened over night. I suddenly became the kind of person who said things that i didn't mean, to protect feelings i wanted to ignore.

I became the kind of person who would rather forfeit knowing someone than to experience them for a moment in time.

I became the kind of person who hones in on the concept of being gone with the wind.

I became the kind of person whose habit is ghosting people, deleting social media pages, and changing numbers.

Almost ceasing to exist, physically & hopefully in one's mind.

The worst part about it all is that this is not how i genuinely want to navigate throughout the world & my relationships

But this is seemingly the best way to survive

And i rather survive than to connect

And i rather disconnect

Than stomach the possibility

Or responsibility of perceived abandonment

[grlwithapen]

It’s not easy for me to trust others. I barely even trust myself. Whether it's the emotions I feel or a decision I have to make. I don't know. I don't even know which peanut butter to get in the grocery store anymore. Do i get the organic creamy peanut butter? Or the crunchy peanut butter? Or the peanut butter thats significantly cheaper than the afore mentioned peanut butters but it has palm oil in it? What even is palm oil? Is it bad for you? I don’t know. I don't know anything anymore. I don't even know if the feelings i feel are real. Do i really love him? Or do I hate him? Is he just a placeholder? Is he a distraction? Am i accepting of who he is: flaws and all? Or am i ignoring red flags? I don't know. At this point, the only things I'm sure of are: what's up, what's down, what's left and what's right. Anything else is a giant question mark that I'm entirely too tired to solve. Too tired to solve while simultaneously being too afraid to ask. Part of not trusting others (and myself) is fear. Fear of what i've always thought to be true, or fear of what i've always thought to not be true. Meaning: either I'm an unlovable piece of crap or I'm an awesome person who deserves to be loved. Getting close with others would lead me to one of those conclusions, both of which would lead to some sort of death. Whether it be death to what i thought my whole life or death to the slither of hope i had. Whatever it is, I don't know. And I think it'd be better off not knowing.

Photo: @/jezzhill & @/solsikkeamyhelen on insta

[grlwithapen]

The love prosititue

For a long time i've sold my body in hopes for love.

By sold i dont mean literally; but figureatively.

Sure, you can have sex with me, as long as you'll love me afterwards.

You don't even have to take me out to dinner, or buy me fancy clothes

just love me.

For a long time i've sold my body in hopes for love.

Sometimes literally but not intentionally.

After a while, it became second nature.

After a while assault, just became another encounter.

Just another day.

I don't even cry about it.

And I don't even recognize the depth of it sometimes.

I've sold my body in hopes for love

And I often blame myself for the things i've experienced.

Maybe if i wasn't so busy pining for love,

I would've noticed the damage that i was subjecting myself to.

But i guess i realize it now.

And i guess this is why you're reading about it now.

But i still find myself selling my body in hopes for love.

And when a potential buyer doesn't seemed interested in what I'm so relentlessly selling, I take it personally.

Do you not want to love me?

Do you not want to see how i feel?

How i taste?

But all they seem to want to do is love me for who I am

And how do i trust that?

How do i allow that?

[grlwithapen]

It's difficult to come to terms with the fact that life moves on. Yet as difficult as it is, it's also quite refreshing. It's refreshing to know that I'm not 18 anymore; drowning in a pool of self hatred & pity. But it's just as difficult to realize that I am now 24; an age that felt so foreign to me six years ago.

If i could travel through time, i'd go back to when i was an adolescent rebellious teenager and tell her that it gets better. But i wonder if she'd even listen to me.

It's difficult to come to terms with the fact that life moves on. Because now I'm that I'm 24.. I wish i went to college, and I wish that I didn't get all these tattoos, and I wish that i didn't sleep with this guy or that guy. And importantly I wish that i didn't allow trauma to be the driving force in my life.

But thats the past, which is beyond what i can control. And this is now, which is beyond who i once was.

And all I can do is pray.

Pray and come to terms with the fact that life moves on.

Pray and come to terms with the fact that I'm 24 years old.

Pray and come to terms with the fact that one day I will be 30 years old.

[grlwithapen]

What is forgiveness?

How do I truly forgive and move forward with someone? And how do I come to terms with the fact that the person I love may hurt me one day? And I will have to forgive them and wake up next to them in the morning? Maybe thats why I'm single. Because love has been painful for me. And I anticipate the pain. I anticipate the pain so I can leave. But what will i do when there's real love? Healthy love? A love worth fighting for but my partner forgets my birthday? Or they're having a bad day and take it out on me? How do I accept their sorry? How will I accept that they love me and that they're just a flawed human? A flawed human who isn't secretly out to get me? But what do I do when love has been nothing short of pain? How do i accept that pain is inevitable? Whether it's intentional or not? And how do i accept that no matter how good a love is..they still may hurt my feelings? Maybe thats why I'm single. Because i love to leave. Love has been nothing short of pain. And when i experience it, you know, pain. I freeze up and flee. I guess thats what the doctors call PTSD and that's probably why i'm single.

[grlwithapen]

What am i to do?

I find it funny that i cant seem to keep my heart closed

It's quite tiring falling in love over & over for no reason but i have to take accountability for that

Nobody asked for my love, and i decided to give it anyway

So can i truly be upset that these flings are never what my heart makes it out to be?

The bible says: "the heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure, who can understand it?"

And the next time my heart dares to love i'll remember that verse

I'll say it over & over again until i believe it

Until i see that sometimes where my heart decides to rest

Isn't always a peaceful pasture