gremlin-gremlin

[gremlin-gremlin]

Life without her would be like living without air. Would be like being underwater, suffocating, unable to surface. The agony of lungs not getting that much needed oxygen. The heart feeling like it will explode, so much pressure and pain. Losing her is like suicide; you’ve done this to yourself. You took away your own air supply. You cut a hole in the ice over a frozen body of water. You jumped in that hole and the cold put your body into shock. Now you are drowning, freezing cold, and you can’t find the hole to surface again. Your own fault. You stupid worthless trash.

[gremlin-gremlin]

I can’t believe I might have lost my ring. That ring means more to me than I can express. I really really can’t handle it being lost forever.

I need to find it.

[gremlin-gremlin]

Laying in bed

unable to sleep

missing you instead

[gremlin-gremlin]

I wish we still lived together. It’s still weird to be away from you like this. I see you pretty much everyday (haha so much for time for working on ourselves huh?) but we still have so much of our days that is separate.

[gremlin-gremlin]

Psst...

I love you!

😘😘😘😘

[gremlin-gremlin]

I miss you always when we are apart. 

[gremlin-gremlin]

Well, here we go...

I already miss you so damn much. I haven’t even finished work yet and I am already feeling restless, knowing I won’t be coming home to you tonight. It doesn’t feel real. Maybe it’s melodramatic because you are right across the street and we will be seeing each other sometimes... but it just feels so heavy. So different. I don’t feel ready (ha would I ever?) but it is time.

I love you.

[gremlin-gremlin]

Good things are worth waiting for. And by good things, I mean you. Once we start seeing each other less, and we are more so doing our own things every day, I am going to miss you so damn terribly. But, waiting and working on myself through this time, is going to be worth it. Because at the end, is you. And hopefully, you will feel so much more yourself, more confident, more put together, etc. and hopefully I will too. It’s going to be so hard, so different, but I know we need to do it for the betterment of ourselves.

And I can’t wait to show you the “new and improved” me that is always going to be waiting for you. Whenever you are ready for me, here I will be.

I believe in you so so much. Don’t ever doubt or forget that.

I’ll be seeing you.

[gremlin-gremlin]

So, I got all of my clothes moved over to the new place. I have basically what I need to live there, the necessities. Now it’s just the other odds and ends to bring over/to decorate and furnish the place. I guess now is when things really change. Now is when we start seeing each other less, not sleeping in the same bed every night, etc. We still have a lot of stuff to sort and help each other move/rearrange but aside from that we are going to spend more time apart.

I hope that this time alone is really beneficial to you. I hope you are able to grow and to do the things you need to do. I hope I am capable of the same. It’s going to be hard, different, challenging. But we can do it. I guess I am as ready as I will ever be. I’m going to miss you terribly though, in so many ways. I love you.

[gremlin-gremlin]

I got approved for the apartment, and I sign the lease & get the keys tomorrow morning.

I’m scared, sad, overwhelmed. I’m a tiny bit excited, but that feeling is small and buried under the layers of fear and sadness. I know you are going to be right across the street, but it feels like you are going to be so far away. I feel a little like I am abandoning you, which I guess doesn’t make sense since you wanted to live alone and therefore I’m not abandoning you. And also, I’ll always be here for you so in no way am I abandoning you. I’m going to miss seeing you every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep. I’ll miss you coming home to me, or to me coming home to you. Once I get to my apartment, I won’t have anything more to look forward to since you won’t be coming home. I’ll miss being close to you all of the time, physically. I’m afraid you will slowly forget about me or slowly stop loving me (yes, ridiculous and stupid fears, but I can’t help it). I hope that this time apart proves to be beneficial to both of us, and that we can grow. I also hope that maybe we can work again as a couple. I’m not pushing that, I’m letting things go as they may. But it’d be nice because I know I want to spend my life with you.

[gremlin-gremlin]

Now that I submitted that application for the apartment, I’m really beyond stressed out about the cost. Rent is basically one whole paycheck. That is terrifying. I’m not sure how I’m going to do this. I know once I pay off my medical bill I’ll be able to breathe a little easier but I will also have only a small cushion left in savings.

It’s also a lot more real that pretty soon we will be living apart. I know you need to do this, and I support that, but that doesn’t make it any less scary. We are both going to be so terribly broke and struggling. I can’t even fathom how tight money is going to be when I already thought it was tight now. And I’m going to feel so off coming ‘home’ to an empty house, where you won’t be coming home to. It’s going to feel so far from feeling like home. Where you are will always be where I feel at home.

I’m so stressed about money. So so so stressed. And I am worried about my psychosis. Stress certainly doesn’t help and can make me spiral more, but hopefully it won’t get any worse & I won’t be too terrified to sleep at night once I’m out in my own place. That’s something I don’t want you to have to worry about, so even if that is the case I don’t think I’d let you know. I want you to worry about yourself, above all.

[gremlin-gremlin]

You are the only one, the only thing, the only anything that makes me feel safe.

I’m not doing well tonight... with the psychosis. I’ve been seeing little ‘bugs’ or whatever crawling around everywhere. I keep seeing flashes of light. I keep feeling them. They have jumbled my head. The one in the mirror is back. I see the look in my eye... I see it watching me from within. It stares into me; into my soul. I feel empty, void. I don’t feel real. I don’t feel real. My brain is glitching.

I hope you hold me extra close tonight. I need to feel something good, instead of all of this rot inside of me.

[gremlin-gremlin]

The Luckiest - Ben Folds

[gremlin-gremlin]

Do you have any idea how much I appreciate you? Because I appreciate you so so so damn much.

[gremlin-gremlin]

My heart is constantly just overflowing with love for you. It pours out of every crevice, spills out of my mouth and ears. You fill me to the brim. There is nobody but you. I am entirely for you. I am eternally yours.

[gremlin-gremlin]

You are above and beyond amazing and wonderful in every single way. You don’t even know it, though. You don’t see how thoughtful you actually are, how caring, how funny, how intelligent, how beautiful. The list of amazing qualities you possess is endless. You look at yourself and you only see your insecurities and the things you do not like about yourself. I look at you and I see the light you bring into mine and everyone else’s lives. I look at you and I see a gorgeous person who is so capable of doing anything you put your mind to. I look at you and I see an extremely intelligent, passionate, strong, resilient individual. I see all of those little things about you that make me fall deeper in love with you. I see the person who has entirely changed my life for the better. You are so incredible, you know.

[gremlin-gremlin]

I love you.