graysonfell

[graysonfell]

i’m currently battling caffeine withdrawl but i’m going to try to explain some things for future me to look back on. reading the things now that i wrote in january was actually really helpful and has helped me ground all my situations.

first of all, i have these two people in my life named josh and jada. i’m struggling to call them friends because of my dynamic with them.

they may only be two years younger than me but it seriously feels like they’re 16 years old. i feel like i’m a mentor and when i go to them to vent they entirely misread me. it shouldnt be a big deal, like there’s some friends you can ask for advice from and others you can’t. however they’ve misread my life so terribly that they think i’m insane.

i have had feelings for one of my best friends For A Fucking While. we’re talking 10 months. I feel like josh and jada don’t understand that I can compartmentalize these feelings. I couldn’t tell you if there was a point where he genuinely had feelings for me. maybe in february but I really don’t like putting words in someone’s mouth. regardless right now I don’t think so.

has that been really hard for me to process? i hate to admit it but yeah. the first time i felt true, life affirming love was unfortunately towards someone who most likely doesn’t see me in that way. i have found myself coping alone, shaking and in tears on parking garage rooftops, while smoking cigarettes, outside of hardcore show venues, and in bathrooms during work. i feel like God played a really really shitty prank on me.

near the end of the semester it was really getting to me bad. it was the cherry on top of all the other stress i had been facing from my 20 miserable credits of classes. my friends had known about the situation but i finally ended up on a walk with josh where i tried to tell him how much pain i’ve felt lately.

his only advice was that i should never talk to my friend again. are you fucking kidding me. he missed the entire point of how this hurts so bad BECAUSE of how close i am to this person. i don’t want to give up a perfectly healthy and happy friendship, all because i’m facing some unrequited feelings that the other party doesn’t even KNOW about. i love this person dearly as a friend too!!!!

the conversation would’ve been less impactful if he didn’t go and talk to our other friends about it. i came to him at a vulnerable moment and he chose to see this as idfk. jada also sees me as some lovesick loser. it’s annoying as fuck.

[graysonfell]

the semester ended. it’s now may and a lot has happened.

at the end of everything i had to pick a side, and i chose morals over validation. i lost a lot of friends but they weren’t good friends looking back. as the year progressed they became worse people too. i made the right call.

i lost friends for other reasons too. i lost one because i found out about some disgusting things he did a couple years ago. i lost others because they took me for granted. it was an array of things that was exhausting to deal with.

i cant put a number on exactly how many people i dropped but I can say i removed at least 50 people from my private story on instagram.

at least at the end of the day i passed all my classes! i’m still on track to graduate in just two more years.

[graysonfell]

so i go back to campus for the semester in about 8 hours. i’m ready and excited for a few things but god im STRESSED.

i used to dream about getting ‘popular’ and getting involved in the scene but now that I have that I don’t know if I want it. the scene is toxic as fuck. i know too many people that love me but hate each other’s guts. i hate needing to pick and choose friendships like this.

there’s a couple of specific people that need to graduate and then things will be better. until different people become problematic i guess.

and you cant even make the tiniest jab at the scene or someone who did something wrong without people getting up in arms about it. everyone needs to grow the fuck up!!!

literally the best days i had last semester were with people who do their best to avoid drama.

here are my two positive core memories:

Me and my friend róisín went to another college’s house party/venue together because she had a gig there with her band. it was halloween and she was covered in fake blood (as her famous character “the bloody lady” who had made an appearance at a different gig earlier that week💀). i wasnt dressed up because I had a rehearsal right before she picked me up. At this place you could draw on the walls and by the time we got home it was 4 AM (this was also daylight savings day). We had to go to a gas station because we needed redbull on the way home and it was a fucking fever dream. We spent the car ride talking about relationships and love as a whole. we bonded so much that weekend and i love her like family

my other friends (connor eliot and anne marie) and róisín all live together and i crashed on their couch one night because i was drunk and i didnt want to walk home in the cold. she warmed this heated pillow for me to sleep which was the kindest thing ever. it was also cold as shit in their living room and i was in the clothes i had worn all day and at some gross basement show but i havent felt more comfortable in my life. connor’s friend atticus was over too and when we all woke up, eliot connor atticus and I went to get coffee and donuts together. the whole place was filled with old people who were looking at us funny because we totally stunk of cigarettes and were a little hung over. driving around in connors mom car ™️ was so nice and he just talked about how much he liked whatever came up in his playlist. it was very endearing.

my goal for this semester is to have more times like these than bad times. because there are a good amount of days i can recall ending in tears and/or drunk to cope. the lesson ive learned is that i need to be extremely careful who i hang out with and choose to bring into my life.

[graysonfell]

trying to reconstruct my feelings of love so i can accept that the chances of This Fucking Guy liking me is slim to none.

a crush is an idea right? what’s my idea of this person? my answer to that is that he’s complicated. he’s rough around the edges. he’s a little dense sometimes. but underneath that he has a soft spot for art and music and literature and his friends.

how much of this is true? from the time ive gotten to know him over the past year, these things are true. theyve come from observation and how our relationship developed over time (i thought he was an ass at first). but here’s the thing about all that: how do i know how true this will be in a romantic relationship.

most people i know behave differently with their partners. they know each other on a different level and see sides of each other that most never will. for all i know he could be way more distant in a relationship that i’d imagine him to be. and though we are friends now, our dynamic could entirely shift if we ever took things to another level.

with that cleared from my head, it’s a lot easier to accept that he might not be into me. if there is no true vision of what i think the relationship would look like, it’s easier to move on if necessary.

so the hypothetical unlikely scenario is that next time we see each other, he does or says something that could be read as flirting. instead of totally drowning like i have before, i need to remember everything i just said. if he says something, i will say something back.

on the other hand, if it is just friendly behavior, i think the crush will stop there. i dont see the point of liking someone who clearly isnt interested.

i just need to CALMLY wait for our next interaction. i shouldn’t feel any anticipation for that day that isn’t related to hearing some good fucking music or getting to see a FRIEND.

[graysonfell]

boss didn’t email me back… i accidentally send it at almost 4 AM but he shouldve seen it right? i’m anxious

[graysonfell]

regardless my second job loves me and im really thankful for them

[graysonfell]

oh also my boss was considering replacing me at my job because i didnt work a lot of hours last semester :( it was because of mental burnout from this absolutely ridiculous drama i’ve had to sort through but he can’t know that. replied to his email saying how much i wanna stay cuz i really do enjoy this job but idk if its just gonna look like im sucking up to him for no reason. i really do wanna be dedicated and i love being part of making shows and music happen. i just made some mistakes and i hope he believes im being genuine

[graysonfell]

so now im making a plan to detach myself from most people. piece by piece i will pull myself away until i feel like a person again and not a ton of external opinions thrown at each other.

[graysonfell]

i had the most insane rumor spread about my friend in november!! an ex claimed he was an abuser and later a r^pist. a fucking r^pist. she came up to me one day in our very public college building and was like “oh i should just tell you that xxxxxxx is getting kicked out of <band> because i told them all he’s a fucking r^pist!” there were children in the area because said rumor girl teaches them violin and it was right before her shift.

and that sentence sounds absolutely so bad out of context but she has been in a situationship with several guys in xxxxxxx’s old band for like fucking years and manipulates them. she is so nasty and gross and lies to people about not having stds and then will have sex with them. she fucked up ANOTHER of my friends’ lives by dating one of their mutual friends at the same time after he told her he wasn’t comfortable with that. she’s also been an ass to many of my other friends.

and the way her story about xxxxxxx got exaggerated to hell over time was nuts. and she has blatantly lied about him before (proof from her ex roommates) saying he was abusive when he wasn’t.

i had to go all journalist mode to figure out who was lying because i was NOT about to A) accidentally become an Apologist or B) leave one of my closest friends over a god awful lie. im so tired of thinking about this but long story short my gut and heart came to the conclusion that it was lies.

another key piece of info is that her best friend and i had talked about xxxxxxx after the incident apparently happened and she is very very outspoken about SA in the scene. she would have absolutely told me if he was anything close to that and all she said was “he wasnt the best with (girl’s name)”

but the thing about this girl is that she has a fucking grip on the scene and people worship her. her core circle overlaps a lot with mine as of now and if they knew that if i dont fw their evil friend hell might break loose.

and she really fw me too. like i was at a party and she was tryna cuddle with me. girl bye

[graysonfell]

on top of that i’m worried for the next semester of college. i have a game plan of isolation for my own genuine benefit.

selfish to say but i am stretched far too thin. people look up to me and like having me around. they think im genuine and kind and always on their side but i’m not! that’s sad to say but it’s true for most of them!

with the way this fucked up little community works i have to prioritize my friendship with some over others. and with the degree of the rumors people spread about each other, you have to pick sides. i have been a middleman all semester who is secretly very for one side of things. i know everything about everybody. it makes me feel dirty.

there are several people who i want to hold on to as tight as i possibly can and never let go but there’s so many other people latched on to me. i can’t reach the ones i truly love.

[graysonfell]

give it up for day 2 of half baked dreams about gay things

[graysonfell]

and i would really love to be drunk and walking around lowell rn. maybe not with a cig because i need to avoid getting addicted. i would be able to walk away all this pent up shit.

[graysonfell]

my avatar is me smoking the absolute ASS of a cig while walking home after 6 drinks

[graysonfell]

you think it would go away by now as it has been over FIVE MONTHS since that specific gay awakening but i am still here hopeless

[graysonfell]

last night i couldn’t sleep but i was in this semi-awake dreamy state for at least an hour. every scenario my body drifted into involved him

we were both at the show that’s happening in a few weeks. i waited for him to come to me as he kept teasingly spamming my phone to figure out where i was. we hugged for an insane amount of time but it felt that probably because the world was moving in slow motion at random times.

we were talking for a while and i just remember staring into his eyes and i don’t remember a word he said. he has these fucking eyes. and then eventually there was a moment where we were both lost like that.

and it clicked for him how i felt. and i guess he felt the same and said he was scared of saying anything because he didn’t want to hurt our friendship. I said the same. for whatever reason he didnt have a car so i ended up letting him come home with me.

then i snapped out of it and sat right up in bed when i realized how DOWN BAD i was for him even subconsciously. DOWN BAD.

i don’t even remember the other ‘dreams’ because i was just so out of it. it was like 6 AM btw

[graysonfell]

I see A in a couple weeks and I am nervous despite him being a very good friend of mine. i just don’t know if i should try to send signals. i want to but i’m scared. i’ve subtly tried before but i don’t know if he caught my drift.

[graysonfell]

i think that’s why i refuse to let myself give in to my own feelings anymore. even if i told A. and we started dating, would i break too? i don’t work as a prison guard or anything close but i am already so bitter about the world and i have a past of mental health issues. i’m so scared of love.