grand-admirable - Tumblr blog

grand-admirable · 21 days ago

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My name is Jack Amyx, aka ct-echo, crosshairshusband, and thrawns-babyboy; and this is my suicide note. Posted on my current active accounts. My dying wish is to tell the story of how self sacrifice is never worth it, even for those you love the most.

The history of this story starts with my sibling, Erron, and I. We were raised in a house that wasn't a home, and the type of abuse we endured classifies our family as a cult. We were both raised in an environment of poison and we both knew that leaving it would require the will to rid ourselves of it no matter how deep we had to bleed to get it out.

It was a multiple month battle. It included a murder attempt from our father, police gaslighting us, a sketchy motel, stolen important mail and documents, identity theft, attorneys, cameras all over the house and property, and no means to reasonably leave. I was living in a flea infested trailer with no air or heat because it was what I "deserved", my father even cut my internet so I often was left with a weak signal to be my only connection.

I was the one who did most of the work to move, I was making calls and researching and lining the ducks. Erron pitched in financially and otherwise blamed me for problems and intentionally sabotaged our chances to play the victim. Why? Because they have BPD, and this is all they know to do.

And that is all that happened the minute we got out.

We signed the lease April 10th, 2024. I thought we were free, but then they turned into our father and accused me of being him.

I prioritized their health. I got them into therapy, on meds, set up with doctors. They say they "will think" about therapy, they stop taking the meds, they do nothing but give me excuses. My needs go neglected as I scramble to try and help someone who won't help themselves.

We have job issues, they watch YouTube all day while I beg them to start applying, be proactive because I cannot carry us both and it's time for us to grow up. They tell me I'm belittling them, degrading them, they create problems for me to solve to avoid getting a job that hinders my ability to get a job.

We starved for a week, almost got evicted. Why? Because they spent all our money on fancy hotel stays and unnecessary splurges and blamed me because I "knew their spending habits and moved in anyway."

I tell them I can't handle the stress they put on me, they tell me that if I killed myself they'd figure it out without me. Unbeknownst to me, they already had been in communication with our father to fallback on him once I was used up.

I go to a psych hospital for suicidal ideation and end up traumatized worse by sexual assault and a doctor that made me go through a police style interrogation to prove I can go home after my hold when I refused to sign a 14 day extension they thought they could trick me into signing. I get out, I get home, I find Erron told everyone I went missing and filed a police report. I told them where I went. They accused me of prostitution for money and acted like I abandoned them and played the victim. They got caught and lost a dear friend and began to be envious that the friend stayed with me.

They start creating more scenarios to try and make me seem abusive, I stop engaging, they tell me "I just want to know what to say to make you happy," I tell them "I want you to work on yourself", they purposefully try and mess something up to force me to engage to save it. They try to get the car toed to play victim. They try to mess up rent to play the victim. They try to turn a friend against me and when that failed, they played the victim.

We make a legally binding contract, at the advice of my partner who has lawyer family, and it is what saved me from falling flat the minute things blew.

Now we get to the explosion when I found out that during my absence from CF333, a break they encouraged me to take by leaving the server, they had been spreading lies and rumors for months. Having other members spread these falsities and not a single one of you mother fuckers even thought to ask me about it. You just believed it and got weird when I said hi 1 on 1. I was even attacked via multiple rants by the one who Erron manipulated into a relationship that I hope to god has ended by the time the schedule posts this. A perpetrator or a bystander is all the same to me. Every last thing Erron accused me of was the twisted reality of my fucking abuse and you all stood there and believed the lies. I forgive none of you.

That's also when, oops! Erron exposes themselves as a child predator who used a Warrior Cats RPG server to find and groom their victims. Don't worry, all evidence has been taken to the police for investigation, because babygirl I got the evidence. Don't think because you took it down the minute I told you "So it's Warriors Rise Of The Elements, Starclans Destiny, where you met the kids at?" that I didn't plan for what I knew you'd do. And I saw the way that sociopath stare was shot at me, because that's when you knew that I knew.

You are just your father.

This is when Erron goes to stay at our dad's, comes back in a chipper mood like "Dad bought me hot dogs :)" I tell them they have to leave, because they don't get to act like all that didn't just fucking happen. The next day I pack their things, they go back to the cult we called a family.

And now I'm left with the pieces. And when I say I tried by god did I try. I got 3 jobs to pay for the apartment they ditched me with. I went out and socialized. I saw a drag show. I got my hair cut professionally. And I did it, I did it for a little, but I'm so exhausted by this life. I couldn't hold on to my reality, I had no support. I spent my life giving and giving and giving to ensure my empathy remained intact in the face of cruelty that it became my downfall.

I am proud of myself for making it alone, physically. All you back stabbing bitches couldn't say the same, y'all either had a knight in shining armor come save you or had to abuse the kindness of the trail of people you left behind. I didn't have shit for support and I fought like hell and I made it. Mentally? Isolation killed me. I was made for love but never given the chance to understand or learn how to, it was just an ache I could never ease. I have my mother's heart and I hide it behind my father's anger.

The bottom line is we come from a family of poison. We are all poison. My best efforts to change ended in my isolation because I am poison. People can't help me learn to be human because they can't understand why I'm not, and I can't understand them either. I am so forged by poison so it's all I can offer.

In a way I think I got lucky. I find I have a severe dissociative disorder that fragments my emotions and leaves me comfortably numb. My emotions separated into individual pockets in my mind, meaning I can front with apathy to preserve empathy and shuffle between joy and sadness and whatnot as needed. It let me survive my house without becoming the evil that destroyed me, not entirely at least. In another way it's not lucky, because now I might as well be an AI trained on emotional data than a human. I can't understand my emotions through feeling them, I have to follow a logical course of action, I have to take my most educated guess. I will be misinterpreted and misunderstood because I cannot express what I do not feel even if it influences my decisions and thoughts.

I've been robbed of my ability to connect to other humans. I start to spiral, I go crazy, I watch conspiracy theories, I sabotage my relationships, I get grindr just for connection, I find myself completely alone. And all I can do is say that I don't regret it, but if I could change it?

I'd have stopped caring when I had the chance. Because what is the point of having empathy if you're too broken to use it.

So this is where I say my goodbyes. Scheduling this for 1/1/25. The first year this world will not see me in it.

My pride and joy will always be my beloved Clone Force 333. What a silly thing to love, but at the time, when I was trapped in my house with nothing but constant abuse and my Star Wars Tumblr life, it was such a bright thing to get to have.

I'm grateful for what I had, and I'm too exhausted to live a life where I am just empty and dejected. Some things are too broken to fix, so make sure you maintain them before they shatter. Please, put yourself first because nobody else will, and they will just leave you to die when you're used up.

Stay Golden 💛

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