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graceunfathomable-blog · 6 years ago

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4/25/2019

Today I went over Romans 1: 1-14. I’m going to try going as in depth as possible and essentially just scribble down anything that I deem important or highlight things that stick out to me. One thing about Paul is when he writes he always ALWAYS puts credit where it is due: to God. He uses his platform to further glorify the Lord rather than using it to elevate himself. I find this hard to do for myself. Despite my own self loathing, I still think of myself better than many around me. I compare my acts of service to others, and more than not, I find myself feeling more accomplished than those around me. And yet, everyday I struggle with desiring things that are not good.

About two years ago, I fell in love with someone. Someone who I find beautiful, amazing, precious, and worthwhile to live with for the rest of my time on this Earth. But this person was someone who I should not have desired as my own. Though she was someone whom I felt could best understand and love me, gender was the one factor that separated her and me from fantasy becoming reality. It all started off as harmless, just two girls hanging out and getting to know each other better. Just building a relationship through understanding each other’s brokenness in feeling unwanted and unloved. But it all got twisted and dark. The day I realized my emotions... these unwanted yet existing emotions... the fear that crept into my mind of how our relationship would fall apart, how the community I had just started to rebuild would react, and the affect it would have on fellow church members... I remember telling myself that I would never tell her. We had a game where we would share secrets and gauge at what “level” we were at. My level 10 was liking her. She would always pester me about what it was. What was the big secret I was hiding from her? I had told her all of my past sins of lust, pornography addiction, and masturbation, so what could be bigger than that? ... It wasn’t until late summer of 2017, when I broke my own promise to myself.

“I like you...”

The words rolled out of my mouth... I felt so nervous. It was silent for a bit as her mind processed the words... Words that apparently she too felt. The feeling was mutual. I felt so relieved, and yet scared and worried. What would this mean? What would this do? Not more than 3 months later, I found myself kissing her neck and desiring for more than just her friendship. I wanted to be bonded with her in body, mind, and soul. It felt taboo, yet I wanted it so bad. I remember crying as I fell back, realizing what I had done. I remember sitting as communion was being passed around after church and wondering if she was going to take it. I remember feeling so naked and ashamed at what I had done. I remember feeling like I was already in front of the Lord, holding up my sins. I remember feeling like I was the greatest hypocrite in the room and that there was no room for forgiveness. I told my roommate that night, one of my closest friends. We cried together and shared in the burden I felt in wanting to be accepted, but still understanding that God’s way is best. I remember sobbing into my pillow from the shame I felt, but I also remember her tears shed for me as she sympathized with my frustrations and fears.

But unfortunately for me, my sins have only culminated further as these past two years have gone by. My relationship with this girl, from a worldly perspective, was blossoming as we got to understand each other better. We now know what we would like from the other sexually. We know key words to get the other heated. We know where to touch and kiss on each others’ body to make the other sigh in pleasure.

But we also know how the other thinks and feels without and exchange of words. We know all the references that the other makes. We can understand each other through mouths full of a toothbrush and toothpaste. I don’t want to lose this friendship, but I wonder if it is the only way we will be able to stand before God and telling him that we did our best to love him first. Because I feel as though, as of right now, I am unable to do so.

But that’s also the beautiful thing about the Gospel. It says “You are broken beyond repair, but you are still loved.” It tells you, “You aren’t good enough, so let Jesus pay the price for you.” It screams, “You are so loved beyond compare, please please please love me back.” I am torn between the two things I love most, but I know where I am to head. I am to head down the narrow path. It is not easy, in fact it will be extremely hard. I may have to lose my best friend in order to love Jesus more than myself. But despite how hard it is, I want to strive for a heart that is willing to give up the world for my God. I want to be loyal to the one who gave me everything and gave up everything. I want to come running to Jesus, not because of what I have done, but rather because of what He has done. His sacrifice on the cross for my sins is greater than any gift He could give me on this Earth. His resurrection that gives me new life is a greater hope than any relationship on Earth can give me. I want to love Him more. I want to love Him most.

This grace unfathomable extended to me is something I want to share, which is why I started this. Perhaps some day someone could be encouraged by my story. Maybe one day, someone who understands the struggle could come to faith. And maybe some day, we will meet in Heaven where we can praise our beautiful, holy, treasured God together.

Until then, fight for the finish line. Fight for your savior. Fight for God.

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