gothmefuckedup

[gothmefuckedup]

The devil couldn’t reach me so he made sure that the love I give is never reciprocated.

[gothmefuckedup]

And I feel like this works, that we're on different schedules. We can't get too much of each other. I miss you when I'm up all night and you're sleeping because you have work in the morning. I texted you before I fall asleep and you're just waking up. Then you spend the rest of your morning without me until I get up for work.

We can't get too much of each other. But I miss you when you're gone.

[gothmefuckedup]

Be present. All of this is temporary.

[gothmefuckedup]

If we were both cows would you stand in a field and eat grass with me

[gothmefuckedup]

i am the definition of letting it destroy me

[gothmefuckedup]

tumblr is the little town I visit everyday and you guys are my fellow village people

[gothmefuckedup]

Honestly i think it's a bigger problem. I'm okay with just being friends with him but the broken part of me will try if ever I'm particularly emotional. I feel like for the most part I do well at being just friends because I'm starting to dislike him as a person. He's very negative, very cynical. He has confessed that he magnifies the bad in himself to defer me. But then he's salty when I say I'll move on. Says it was all fun and he looks forward to talking to me. I don't know. I see the red flags, I'm aware of them. It's because he rejects me and gives me good feelings sometimes that keeps me around. It's endearing to the broken part of me. Give me little breadcrumbs of love and I'll feel overfed. Then starve me for a while. Someday I'll move on from it but not easily. I've never moved on easily.

I really do know there's nothing special between us.

I make it special.

[gothmefuckedup]

spotify wrapped this spotify wrapped that why don’t you come here and wrap me in your arms instead

[gothmefuckedup]

unfortunately i need to be put down immediately

[gothmefuckedup]

are you in hate with me

[gothmefuckedup]

I move on with my life. But I'll always love him. I always have. I always will.

[gothmefuckedup]

I posted it because you had lied to me.

After all of that you went out to a bar on your last night out and you never texted me back. When you got home you avoided me. Wouldn't tell me what happened for you to change your mind. I wish you had just been honest, or even cruel so I could move on easier. Instead we slept together right before Christmas. And then February 2023, around valentines day - you chose someone else, not even the girl youre with now. I never spoke to you again.

I got into a relationship with someone that seemed super great. In the end he cheated on me.

I looked you up again and seen that you were in a relationship, it showed her name.

I continued to leave you alone. Until one day .... She added me on snapchat. I felt like maybe something happened so I added her back and messaged her first.

She was surprised I knew who she was ... I told her I knew because she was dating my childhood best friend, that we aren't in contact anymore and to treat you right because you're a good guy.

She said she added me because I keep being reccomended to her and that we have a mutual friend in common, that she wanted to know how I knew her.

Back in the day ... I used to live in her neighbourhood and worked with that mutual friend. She's seen pictures of him and listened to me gush back then about how much I loved him. This is the mutual friend she means. I find it impossible that she didn't know who I was, hear my handle from his friends, see me on old posts on his socials. I seen that she posted her pregnancy announcement.

I told her that I understand if she wants to unfriend me because he wouldnt be happy that we're in contact. I told her I wasn't a good friend to him. Honestly? I was obsessive and crazy. Kinda how she looks to me right now. She said he knew we were in contact and doesn't mind. Says it's all in the past. She watched all my stories. She even responded to stories to keep the conversation going. Then she accidentally liked a post of mine on Facebook. I realized she was watching me everywhere. So I took her off snapchat and left it all alone entirely. You won't catch me stressing out a pregnant woman.

Obviously something was bothering her and she wasn't being direct with me. I didn't know what he told her and I didn't wanna share more because it wouldn't make her feel better. He left me, for another girl. And it wasn't even you.

I carried on with work. Then he adds me on snapchat. Sending me a huge paragraph to stop posting about him, making fake accounts to contact him and his girlfriend and to tell me he regrets what we had, that I pressured him, that his friends pressured him. That's why I posted my journal entries.... Because ... A year and a few months ... You didn't want me but kept me anyways? Reassured me daily? Are you only cruel to make her feel better?

I never made an account to contact her. I would send that shit directly. I am a confrontational person.

He said that after her first trimester she became super anxious about me, thinking I'm gonna try and steal him away from her.

I'm gonna be honest, I cant be her friend because it would be insincere. I would always want him back. If he left for reasons of his own and not for another woman I would take him back. I am no homewrecker. I'd never find value in a man that can be stolen. They'd have to break up for unrelated reasons.

I want him to be happy though. If this makes him happy then ... Go be happy.

He really broke no contact after two years of no contact to tell me not to contact him because his girlfriend is delusional and feels threatened. The fake account was a coincidence. It was an 0nlyfans girl looking for clients.

I blocked both of them. If your relationship is so solid - stop bringing me into it. Seriously. I really did not make any contact. She did it all first. Just to rub it in that she's carrying his baby.

I'm leaving it all alone. Because his baby is an extension of him. I need to protect them by not stressing his babymama out. I just wish she'd realize that she has the life I wanted and she's fucking it up by being crazy.

[gothmefuckedup]

artist: felicia chiao

[gothmefuckedup]

Indeed

[gothmefuckedup]

it’s not mental illness it’s my zodiac sign

[gothmefuckedup]

Monday September 5th 2022

On the night of Sept 3rd he finally agreed. He met up with me outside of their house while he was on his way home with his sister. We went in to smoke and his friend showed up. I didnt smoke with them because I'm awkward while high around new people, had already been smoking and I wanted to be comfortable. I don't remember what we were talking about to start the conversation but at some point we were talking about couples arguing and sleeping on the couch and he was like "she's not sleeping on the couch, neither am I. She can sleep next to me angry" - my heart.

His sis and I chatted a bit and she brought it up again saying how sweet it was. She kept trying to get his friend to leave after and then went to bed. I think she was trying to be a good wing woman for her brother 😂❤️

From like 11PM to 2AM we were out there. When they left I put out the balcony lights and pulled out a massive joint and we smoked together peacefully and chatted. We went downstairs to his bedroom. He changed the lights settings with his phone to a dark red light, his usual. First I sat on the couch to kinda respect his space but then he got up and I wasn't comfy so I sat on his bed. He did too and we sat with our backs against the wall. I played with his hair. Then we laid down together with my head on his chest. His heart was pounding. I smiled and made the first move.

I couldn't believe it was happening. I had wanted him for so long. Before I ...

He undressed me and kissed me all over. We kissed a million times. From 2AM to like 11:30AM. I was starting work and 3PM and finishing at 11. We both wanted to sleep. But we didn't. It was all worth it being tired. Kisses, body rubs, holding each other in different positions. He's surprisingly affectionate, amazing with his hands. Really sweet, loving. I asked him why he waited so long. He said he didnt know why either, he said he wasn't expecting "easiest chemistry ever".

This was the first time in our entire lives that we had been alone together. It was a surreal experience. We did have sex but between the whiskey and anxiety we weren't consistent. It didn't take from the experience. It was 100% better because we were comfortable with eachother and we're abnle to laugh. He made me come twice, he didn't at all. He's the first to do that with ease with no help. For the longest time he said he didn't wanna date. I think he's holding to that, at least for a bit. I know this going into it, I just wanted this experience with him. I do believe that this changed things for him. He shyly told me this turned out to be an amazing night. Cradled my face in his hands.

We curled up on the couch in his room while I was trying to get ready. I decided to call an uber to put off leaving him. We reminisced ablut our childhood and talked about how I like that he knows all about me and that there's nothing on my past to catch him up on because we grew up together. I don't remember life before him.

I love that he's actually met my mom. Nobody else has, nobody else ever will now. And they have the same birthday. To me it feels like a good omen.

He knows me inside and out now. Out of nowhere he mentioned that once I have him, if I lose him, hes gone. I told him that after all this, it taking this long for him to let me in and he finally has, I'm not messing that up. I told him a million times that I'm keeping him.

I told him I just know he's gonna break my heart. He said "don't say that. You never know. Maybe you'll break my heart instead"

I asked him if he was the jealous type. He said no. He said he gives his trust and just waits. They can do what they want, post what they want, but once I've lost him its done. Told him I'd be loyal and there would be nobody else.

I sat in his lap, kissing him, telling him how much I'd miss him. Putting off calling the Uber to stay with him longer. He's like "can i convince you to call off?if I had it my way you wouldn't go in. My father would bring you to let out Roxy and you'd be coming back our I'd stay with you"

When we went upstairs his sister was upstairs smiling and blushing. He walked me out and kissed me goodbye. We both stayed up until I finished work. He's been messaging me today about romcoms he wants us to watch together.

September 8th 2022

The days have been passing so quickly. Work has been okay but I've accepted that I'm leaving. I'm gonna miss this house, this chapter of my life. But it wasn't working anymore. It was lonely. I felt isolated out here in the west.

Yesterday I worked 7-3 shift, went home to Roxy, then went to my sister's to smoke with the fam.

Met up with him. We went right to his room to watch that romcom. I couldn't really pay attention. We needed up shutting it off. We barely slept... Even thjough he had work at 8AM. We're both so thankful it happened. He said in his last serious relationship it wasn't like this. It's never been this loving for me either.

He said he didn't know where it came from, that he's changing, that he wished he hadn't made me wait.

With how things are I understand.

It's worth the wait.

It's all so surreal. I can't believe it happened.

We spend a lot of time just cuddling, talking, filling in the blanks from when we were apart.

I'm really falling in love with my best friend ... Again.

I finally got to feel him fully. He says we'll keep up at it , it'll be fun. He always makes me come. And his mouth .... Hes like hungry for me. I'm obsessed with this man fr.

We agree we're exclusive by default. Because I won't deal with anyone else and he avoids altogether.

But it looks like things are changing. We went and smoked and cuddles, kissed on the balcony. Went back to bed to cuddle more. Got like three hours of sleep. Loafing and waiting on his brother. But then they were waiting on him because he decided to fix my charging port on my phone. I don't want him to be late but he makes me feel taken care of.

Its been like 8 years for him. I wanna give him something to brag about ❤️

My phone charges now and he was on time for work. Said it was a short drive. He loves the new job.

September 11th 2022

It's Sunday. I work overnight. So I start at 11. I've been cleaning, smoking, napping. I finally feel like I have some time to myself after experiencing work burnout. I feel better after my talk with Steven. He told me he'll plan the move. I'll quit and he'll help me find something better.

C has been at camp and I missed him. We're 11 again.

It's been 8 years for him. I need to chill.

I wanna rush in but it's worth the wait. I miss him but I guess he's having fun. He does hit me up first when I'm dry but idk. I'm needy. Lol.

When we were just besties I'd blow up his phone non stop, shamelessly, and flirting with him. He loved it but didn't wanna date so I accepted that but kept flirting until he eventually trusted me and opened up. I really hit him up constantly. Now that it's more ... I don't. Because I don't wanna be clingy.

We keep each other updated on what we're doing after having that talk about trust. We don't have to, but we do. I have no reason to overthink ... But I do.

September 20th 2022

I ubered to his house on Saturday night. When I got there I went around the back and he was on the balcony with his laptop finishing a bleach ... Movie? I was cool with just watching whatever he was watching because I asked if I could just show up and he said the doors always open. When we got back onto the balcony he's like " i rolled a joint for us" and I immediately laugh cause "me too"

He refuses to watch the movie with me while I'm not caught up and says he has others in mind. So we watched movie trailers and chatted. Decided on a horror movie he had been talking about forever.

Deliver us from evil.

We talked a bit about our comfort films and studio ghibli movies. The we go to his room to watch a movie on his TV. We curl up on his couch with a big blanket and cuddle. I don't know what the movie was about. I think I kissed his cheek and he kissed my lips and I was on him from there. He smiled because I was behaving before that and he's like "guess we aren't getting through this movie"

There was no doubt he was into it. I wanted to give him head and he came. I wanted to have sex but I was still happy as fuck. We kiss, we cuddle, we talk and catch up. We fell asleep. Woke up at 7, not too tired. Stayed in bed, messed around more. Gave him head , he's like "you're really good at that. Slow down". I don't listen. Worth it. He always helps me come though. It's rewarding. We went upstairs at like 10AM to smoke again before I leave. We talked more on the balcony. Mentioning the reactions of his friends and family abiut our sleepovers and kissing on the balcony at 3am. He says they're all team k and thinks they're just really happy for him. "who were you necking ?"

We talked about his birthday, good omens, shares the teasing from his friends about how he doesn't do stuff like this. It all feels unreal and amazing. I hope it stays this way.

When we got into the house, his brother and father were up. He offered a hot chocolate and I went to coco instead. Things has been good so far.

September 22nd 2022

Looks like Saturdays and Wednesdays are just ... The thing. Yesterday after work I went to drop off the sublet form to my brother's. We had casserole and went to Chantals. I had a shift at 7am. I wasn't planning on staying home. It's a long trip back to pierrefonds.

"do you wanna smoke a blunt?" is a love language. So I texted him to see if he wanted to go for a smoke by the canal. I was gonna leave by like 10. HA-HA NOPE.

He met me outside with his lil bro. And we started smoking and walking. Listening to them talk was funny. They'd share random stories. I was on another planet.I felt like I was listening to a podcast.

The time flies. When we finished the blunt, John calls. Told him to come meet us with another. He came to hang out. When he got there he gave them both props but not me. His lil brother immediately called him out and told him to greet me too, gave me double props. Super wholesome. He puts his arm around me a few times. I'm surprised he's being affectionate in front of his friends. I'm so into him. I'm so sure it's him or I give up.

Hes the last one. Idgaf.

Made sure my ass stayed on the inside of the sidewalk. I was raised that way too. My exes weren't protective of me like that. I'm honestly ... So screwed. He asked me if I wanted to go back with them. I told him I love roxy and have to go check on her. We both have work in the morning. John says bye woppy chotters.

September 25th 2022

Friday night I went into town to bring my monster some groceries to make sandwiches at stevens. She's been watching angel while stevens away.

Texted him to see if I can steal some time from him and he's like " you already know my answer. Where are you?"

I went to psc. He met me outside. We smoked and talked like we usually do. He kissed me on the balcony. I love when he makes the first move. We went downstairs so his videos would load. We were both tired. I'm always a fiend so he was laughing at me. "you came over while I was tired".. We cuddled and fell asleep. He made sure I was comfy and put the fan on high -my love language. He said I'd keep him warm.

We woke up together at 6am. Cuddled more. He put my hands on him. Before I put him in he's like "your choice on the condom". We don't bother. He said he thinks people should have sex with people they wouldn't mind having a kid with. It's so new but not new. I want to take it slow and experience things with him first.

I hope it's a forever thing. I hope he feels the same way even if he's afraid to be vocal about it. He let me know when he was coming and I got off. Gave him kisses. He said "why did I wait so long?"

He so loving. We cuddled until we had to leave. His mom, brother, and father were up and greeted me upstairs. He insisted they bring me to the metro. I declined and was going to walk but his mother told me to go so I did. He opened the car door for me. Held my hand during the car ride.

October 6th 2022

I went over Monday night. I was sad about him leaving for 3 weeks to Texas. Knowing it's like 16 hour days. He loves his job so it doesn't feel like work but he's always tired. He was sick and didn't wanna get me sick. Talks to me daily but I feel like he ignores me anyways.

His parents were painting. He went to get something in his room and I chatted with his mom about home repair. Then we went to his room.We watched an anime. I have no attention span. His brother walked in. I felt shy. I feel weird about the physical affection in front of his family. When they ask, I'm still just his friend. Like... Is that gonna change or are we not talking for another 3 years? Idk. I love his actions but he has no words. He pulls me closer but says nothing.

We cuddled and had sex. Fell asleep together. Then messed around again in the morning. Chatted with his mom again before we both left and split ways in the metro cart.

[gothmefuckedup]

Nikita Gill, from Fierce Fairytales Poems & Stories to Stir Your Soul; "Seven,"