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gosomewherefindyourself · 10 months ago

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Hurts (But It Goes Away)

It's been a very long time since I've graced the feed of either one of my tumblr's. It kind of feels like visiting the catacombs of my past but with the knowledge of all that I've become since I last wrote words here.

So much has happened since 2015, 2016, 2017, and 2018. I've gone through a lot more introspection, heartbreak, grief, personal development, friendships, joy, laughter, tears, etc. etc. etc.

What brings me here today is a desire to write again. A desire to put down my thoughts and feelings and record them for future Holly to check back in at another stage of her life. In the past, what drove me to write was an inexplicable need for connection and understanding. I felt so lost and misunderstood by everyone, including myself. I put my words on the page with hope that someone, somewhere, would read it, understand me, love me, and help me understand/love myself. What brings me here today is not the same intrinsic need for understanding. Instead, its me coming back to say I found me. I understand me. I love me.

As mentioned, A LOT has happened in the last few years. To attempt to sum it up, I spent a chunk of it in a deep grief morning the loss of my grandmother, the woman who I idolized, cherished, and held above all other humans in my life. My heart shattered when I lost her and a few pieces of me died right along with her. Her cancer was what brought me back early from the Peace Corps. She had stage 3 lung cancer and nothing else mattered. When I came home it became a group effort to get her better, to ensure her cancer knew how special she was to our family, to me. It seemed to work for a bit, she went into remission after a few months. She was better. I moved back to LA to jump start a career I had put on hold. The cancer didn't care. It came back and took her shortly after. I have such distinct memories of my grief before losing her. Realizing there was nothing we could do. Realizing I had lied to myself for years, telling myself over and over she would live forever. She would live long enough to see me get married, have a child, a career, and have a life she would be proud of. Have you ever been in a position where you are pleading to the universe for an outcome you know will never happen? It's desperate. It's ugly. It's raw.

I spent a decent chunk of time crying to Taylor Swift's "Soon You'll Get Better" song. It put everything into words that I experienced, the desperation and rawness of begging for an outcome you know won't come. You grieve for the pain your loved one is going through and you also selfishly mourn your impending loss. "Ooh-ah, Soon, you'll get better. Ooh-ah, Soon, you'll get better. Ooh-ah, You'll get better soon. Because you have to. And I hate to make this all about me, but who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do if there's no you?" I still feel this deep in my bones.

I spent the next two years in a depressing fog. I entered a grief support group, started seeing a therapist, and threw myself into my career. Work had always been a comfort of mine because it was something I could control. As a kid when things were rough at home, I longed for the hours spent in the classroom. Getting good grades and ultimately earning approval from the adults in my life in the only way I knew how. When I was bullied throughout middle school, I told myself it was all temporary and one day I'd make my life successful with a great career and life. Here was my chance. I lost all control I thought I had in this life. The most important person was taken from me and all I could do was hold onto the one thing that got me through my childhood. So I dove in and held nothing back.

The universe seemed to align with my plan. Enter the global pandemic more commonly known as Covid-19. Everyone was forced to isolate inside their own homes. Work, other than essential workers, was also moved to our homes. I was PREPARED for this. As a Peace Corps volunteer, I had a lot of experience isolating alone but this time I had electricity, running water, the internet, amazon, and an excuse to not socialize if I didn't want to... and let me tell you I didn't want to.

I spent my days working, reading, working, working out, working, watching tv, working, occasionally seeing friends, working, gardening, walking, oh and working. I was great at lockdown and it paid off. I moved up in my career and got the validation I spent most of my life striving for.

Post lockdown- I continued to ride that same train. Everyone else was focused on their own path and for once in my life, I wasn't focused on theirs either (the life of a CODA). I couldn't be. I was still drowning in my grief and honed in on this "successful life" I waited my whole life for. I don't know... I think I felt if I achieved "success" in my career, all of my problems would be solved. I would finally find myself, understand myself, and be whole.

Insert the biggest LOL here.

The next two years were filled with a lot of fulfillment through work. I loved my job, loved my coworkers, loved the trust and respect that came with it until I didn't anymore. It didn't happen overnight, and it definitely didn't just happen because something shifted in me... There were some external factors that showed me more about the "successful life" I thought I wanted and it ultimately turned out to be a hard and challenging life lesson. I'm not ready to lay all of that out there for public consumption. Just know that this was my second largest earth shattering heartbreak since 2019.

Fall of 2022 I went on a 3 week roadtrip to attempt to put myself back together. I was even more lost. I didn't have the one beacon I held onto my ENTIRE life anymore. Success didn't look like the success I cared to hold on to anymore, not when it came with all of the baggage I wanted no part of. Not only did I lose faith in the one thing guiding me most of my life, I lost faith in humanity. This shit has the ability to bring anyone to a point of questioning everything.

I think it's important to share here that most of my life I lived in a very black and white mindset. Do/Be good, receive good. Do/be bad, receive bad. I naturally believe the best in people and situations. If shit is rough, it just means that this is not meant for you and there's better things out there. The situation I found myself in really challenged that way of thinking. I thought I was doing good... but I was receiving bad. I attempted to right the bad and still received bad. I questioned myself a lot. Was I a terrible person?

Going back to what I mentioned at the beginning... I grew up feeling so lost, empty, and misunderstood but I ALWAYS believed that I was good... I yearned for someone else to see that goodness in me too. Now? Now I questioned that goodness. Was I ever good? Was I just lying to myself for all those years? Did I create this martyr persona but deep down I was just innately bad? As you can see, my shit was rocked. I was completely thrown off my axis.

The roadtrip helped me create space between me and the "bad" I left behind in LA. I was able to come back to myself, "coming back together, different but the same." I gave myself a rough timeline to execute a new plan to get out of LA and get out of a career driven mindset. I looked around and was so confused on how I lost my sense of adventure and how I gained a singular focus on career success. It was an absolute mindfuck. I was going to start carving out time for a personal life again. Making space for things I wanted to do because I WANTED TO DO THEM. This happened, it was great. But something else happened to... I was sucked back into the false sense of safety and growth in my career. In hindsight, this was either a test from the universe that I failed... or it was one last lesson the universe was guiding me through to show me VERY CLEARLY that a life of happiness/fulfillment is not 100% built on the foundation of a career.

This time, though, I was ready. All of the trials and tribulations I had been through in my life (and the support of an amazing therapist) had prepared me to recognize my worth and let me tell you, I was worth a hell of a lot more than the shit stick I had been handed, yet again. The day I finally realized this self worth, was the day I drove my ass to the store to get my first load of boxes to move.

I haven't yet mentioned the wonderful people in my life, which I feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded by. There are many times when I pause to reflect on my life and the fact that I've changed so much. I used to look around me and focus on the negatives... But lately what shines above it all are all of the blessings I've received. My friends, my community, my family. Do you ever just have a moment where you look back and think... "when did that happen?" I think that often about my support system. How blessed am I, to be surrounded by people who see me, love me, and support me? Who have taught me to appreciate all of the work I've done to be where I am now. People who have forced me to pause and give myself credit, even when it feels cringe to do so (I just think of that scene in Barbie where the Barbies are thanking themselves for the awards they've won because they deserve it... This is the kind of energy I am talking about here). Like I did that... I created a community for myself that I KNOW I am very blessed to have. I created a community that 10 year old Holly would never have believed was possible. A community that 4 year old Holly deserved to have. A life that 16 year old Holly would be proud of.

I think this is the kind of success that is not widely talked about. The kind of success that should be honored and appreciated far more than the dollar amount in your bank account.

I moved to Denver in November in search of a personal life I can be proud of. A life where my career is secondary to the life I am building for myself. I aim to be intentional with how I spend my time and so far I am really enjoying the ability to embrace newness. New opportunities, new adventures, new pieces of myself I get to meet and grow as I allow myself to expand beyond the boxes I've either put in place myself, or allowed others to put in place for me (more on that at another time).

Lately I've been thinking about the person I want to be known for. A person who is known for being your biggest cheerleader. Someone who who loves securely, unconditionally and freely and doesn't allow anyone in their lives to feel they only deserve love/happiness/success if they stay neatly in their "box" or how they believe they should act/behave. Someone who radiates joy, positivity, and happiness in a healthy completely realistic humanly way. I want to be someone who makes others around them feel like they are capable of anything they set their mind to.

... to be continued.

Thank you for reading this far <3

#personal post

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gosomewherefindyourself · 9 years ago

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gosomewherefindyourself · 9 years ago

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Obsessive Procrastination.

December 29, 2015

Today I procrastinated what I really needed to do by doing some more Peace Corps research. Surprise Surprise. It’s what I choose to obsess over when I really should be focusing my time elsewhere. Christmas was great. My friends, family, and bosses are really supportive and have helped me with supplies for the Peace Corps in one way or another. I finally feel I will be able to purchase everything I am going to need to get settled in Africa. I feel incredibly blessed.

Just before Thanksgiving, I was given so many medical and dental tasks on my map for the Corps. I immediately started doing research on how to get my tests done for as cheap as possible, since my health insurance cut me off October 31st. Thankfully, my obsessive research led me to some very helpful answers. Various RPCV blogs and posts on reditt shed some light on my situation. I learned there are dentists throughout the United States that offer to do dental exams and X-rays free of charge for any potential PCVs. I immediately contacted the organization and received a list of those near me. I also learned that because of the Peace Corps Act that passed in 2011, I am eligible to receive any medical tests/vaccines at a government facility, including the VA. I collected all of the information I could and called around to several VA’s. I was determined not to get the run around, like many had mentioned in the blog posts. I was fortunate to contact the VA in Los Angeles. The operator assumed by my description that I was covered under employee health, I don’t understand how but it worked in my favor so I am not going to question it, and I was placed in the hands of a lady by the name of Nichole. Nichole was very helpful. She tracked down the answers to my questions and tracked down the right person who would approve of me being seen at the VA. Unfortunately, this all took place around the holidays so the process was dragged out longer than it needed to be. So yesterday, I emailed her and had not heard back from her. I called today and got in touch with her. She is going to call the Peace Corps Medical office to get whatever answers she needs on her end. It’s growing increasingly frustrating. Everything just feels overwhelming, but I think that has a lot to do with what is going on in my life right now.

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gosomewherefindyourself · 9 years ago

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Motivation: Lost or Found?

November 12, 2015

I wrote a journal entry the other day… but it didn’t show up when I opened this document so I guess it didn’t save? Well pretty much what I wrote was that I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of things that there is to do for the Peace Corps. I have to remind myself to listen to others and take everything one by one.

For today’s entry, I’m going to get a little emotional. I have been feeling quite discouraged lately. As I have been compiling a list of things I will need for the Peace Corps, I am realizing how expensive everything is. How am I going to pay off my debt AND buy things that I will need: It is all quite stressful. So today I went to Sports Authority because I wanted to do some in person research on items that I have been considering getting. Unfortunately, their camping section is very minimal and I did not have much luck there at all. I went and looked at jackets and those were expensive too. Who was I kidding, of course its expensive. So I went into Ross to look at their jackets too, I didn’t find anything that would help me with my need for the Peace Corps, so I just shopped around for other things instead.

On my way out of the store I decided to check my “On This Day” posts from previous years on Facebook. I came across this post I wrote two years ago:

When I came back from Europe this summer my friend Adam played me his song, Generation Sleep, and it expressed everything I was feeling at the time. Three months later, I listened to it again and all of the emotions and desires came flooding back. I want to be someone who makes a difference in this world. I know it will be difficult and I will have people in my life that will disagree with how I decide to fight for what I believe in and what I want for my life, but I also know that if I believe in myself and don’t give up, I will make that difference. I think the youth today has spent so much time waiting for what comes easy, I admit that I too have let myself slip into it these past few months, but when we take the opportunity to step out into the world and face what scares us, the unknown, this is when life happens. I love it when life happens.

“I’m going to be the voice, be the voice that screams. I’m gonna set the tone, I’m gonna make them see, that they’re all asleep. I’ve gotta little thing to start a great big fire. We’ve all gone weary, we’ve all gone tired of what we’re told about getting older, how it makes us ghosts but we’re gonna grow bolder. We’ll not sleep. The world’s a raging sea, I’m not the enemy, you wanna make me bleed, I turn the other cheek, and then the world will see that I’m not asleep.”

*Side note, after reading this several times today, I want to mention how it pains me to read so many grammatical errors.

In the parking lot, I felt like I had read exactly what I have been needing to hear. It is amazing how “past” me wrote something that would emotionally charge “future” me without even knowing it. Thank you Facebook for the wonderful idea to share past posts. I felt extremely emotional and somewhat excited to be sparked by my own words from before. I shared the post and then searched for “Generation Sleep” on my iPod. I listened to it on my way home from the store and I broke down and bawled- not the cute kind either. I sobbed as I sang my heart out to this wonderful song. When I got home, I pulled into the parking garage and replayed the song. My heart has been feeling so discouraged and unmotivated lately and after reading that post, I felt like I needed that reminder more than anything. The reminder that I was put here on this earth to make a difference. That I need to make sacrifices in my life in order to be a positive change in the world. I felt such a rush of emotion as I listened to this song and thought about the words I had written two years ago. I don’t know how to put it into words, but I had a great feeling in my heart that I am doing what God intended me to do. Going into the Peace Corps and serving is what is right for my life. It was such a beautiful and positive moment amongst my tears.

I I feel more comfortable going into the Peace Corps. I know that it is going to be really hard and I will probably have a few emotional freak outs before then, but hopefully I will remember that I am doing what God has called for me to do.

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gosomewherefindyourself · 9 years ago

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How It All Started...

Saturday, October 31, 2015

I don’t have much time to write but I feel that I need to write something down before I forget the details of everything that happened this week... if that is even possible. Anyway. I feel like it might be important for me to include a little back story too.

As a child of two deaf parents, I grew up helping others as a second nature, a sixth sense if you will. From young adolescence, I was beckoned often to interpret for my parents or assist them in understanding something. Helping people was just what I did, without realizing it was something “special” that other kids didn’t have to partake in. Throughout my childhood and teen years, I continued to foster and grow this skill, ensuring it became a part of me as much as the stuff that makes up my DNA. In college, I found myself lacking when I was not helping others. Whether it was the occasional babysitting or tutoring of my cousins, or being a positive mentor to those I considered to be in need, I did not feel myself unless I was contributing my assistance to those around me.

Fast forward to my last year of college, while I was trying to figure out my next step I struggled emotionally and mentally about what my purpose in the world was. I remember investigating the Peace Corps late one night in my bed. I was so emotional and scared about the possibility of applying and getting placed in Africa so I did research on Middle Eastern countries that the Corps volunteered in. I remember being on Facebook and seeing my neighbor logged in and messaging her to see if she was awake and willing to meet me outside. Thankfully she was. I sat on her patio as she smoked and asked her many questions about Armenia, one of the countries I was researching. She gave me as much information as she had, as an Armenian-she had a lot. It made me feel better being able to talk to someone and knowing someone was aware of my meltdown. I decided after that night that my main focus would be to graduate, travel Europe, and then figure out the rest.

After I was bit by the travel bug, I knew that I had to return to traveling the world and becoming much more aware of the many different lifestyles out there. When I returned from Europe, I lived in Bakersfield for three months. This was either the best thing that could have happened or the worst. I lost almost all the motivation I mustered up on my trip and became very lazy. The little motivation I had was dedicated to figuring out how to move back to LA and support myself. Thankfully I was blessed with AMAZING friends in college and opportunities presented themselves. Arby, my big sister in Alpha Sigma Theta and one of my best friends, was able to arrange an interview with Burbank Unified School District for me to Substitute teach. I was so fortunate to get a job there. The next step was getting a place to live. Thankfully, sorry I am not going to mention too many details about this, my wonderful BREF-former roommate, second cousin, and best friend- was able to create a space in her apartment for me to move in. That was it! I moved to LA! I did it! I made it out of the black hole of Bakersfield! Unfortunately, my dad was sad to lose me so he refused to help me move anymore (it’s quite understandable because he helped move me twice already in a six-month period). I am very lucky to have an awesome dad like him. Anywhoodle, my awesome friend Meg drove all the way to Bakersfield just to help me move. Did I mention how blessed I was for amazing friends? We rented a trailer and hooked it on the back of her friend’s vehicle and drove about 40mph to LA in the dark. She helped me carry all of my heavy furniture up a giant flight of stairs and I was finally in LA.

I really enjoyed subbing. It was probably one of my favorite jobs because I was the COOL sub. And there is no joke about that. I loved going into different classrooms each day and being able to get the students to do their tasks so there would be down time for everyone at the end of the day or period. It was just an awesome job and experience. I worked as a sub for a little over a year. Throughout this time, I did research on graduate programs relating to human rights and genocide studies. Oh yeah, that is another thing about me. I am quite passionate about learning about the Holocaust. In Europe I visited Auschwitz-Birkenau and the Anne Frank House. Standing in those places made me understand what it is I have to do in this world. There is so much injustice in the world, so many bad things that happen and nobody either knows about it or cares enough to do something about it. I knew then and there I had to be the person who did something about it. So I looked into graduate programs and found one that I absolutely LOVED. I began my application and even wrote to a former professor, Martin Pousson, asking to keep me in mind in the next few months to write a letter of rec for the program. I contacted the school to ask for more information and was told to wait for November 2014 for more information. At this time, it was Summer 2014 and I was in Seattle nannying for Rita and Bryant. I never thought I would be the type of person to like kids so much that I would allow myself to make it into a job, but I did and I do. While I was in Seattle, I decided to start taking steps to improve my chance at grad school. I had always loved the Museum of Tolerance and I thought there would be no better place to gain experience and more knowledge about the Holocaust than at the museum. I applied to become a volunteer and thankfully it worked out in my favor.

When I came back to California, I continued subbing and babysitting for Hope and Josh. In October I began working for Hope and Josh full time, assisting them during the day and nannying in the afternoon. I also began volunteering at the museum in October. In November, I went to the graduate program’s website to check on the program only to find out the page the program originally existed on, existed no more. I was crushed. Way bummed. I didn’t even want to look at graduate programs anymore because THAT was my program. I worked every day, volunteered when I could, and continued just living life.

Over the next few months I attended every event I could at the museum and my motivation and passion for human rights and the Holocaust grew and grew. I took notes on EVERY presentation, movie, or documentary and my little paper collection of notes grew and grew. Life seems to have gotten busy over time. Working, volunteering and of course the occasional Hulu and Netflix binge kept me going for the year. In July 2015, my best friend and roommate, Jenna, got engaged to Paul. We had a feeling it was coming but when it finally came I was not prepared for how emotional I would become. I was very excited for them but extremely nervous and terrified of what my life would become. I was fearful of finding another roommate, fearful I would have to get to know someone as well as Jenna and I had gotten to know one another, fearful of what my life would be like without my best friend, fearful of being alone. At least with Jenna being unmarried, I didn’t feel like a complete loser. With, what it seems like, everyone around me being either married, having children, or beginning their careers, I often would stop and evaluate what I have in my life. A good job that I have really grown to enjoy, but not one that I had previously decided I wanted to do for the rest of my life. A time of big change was coming and I was scared to death at the idea of facing it. I was sad and even withdrew from others because I didn’t know any answers and wasn’t sure what to do. I can’t remember exactly how it was brought up, but I started looking into the Peace Corps again. I remembered sitting at several events at the museum and hearing the stories of such incredible people who devoted their lives to promoting peace and tolerance in the world and I would be in awe of their commitment and their spectacular souls. Few times, when someone was sharing all of the great accomplishments these amazing people did, the Peace Corps was among them. I felt this could be my first step too. Something to change me, some way to help others, some kind of beginning to the life I want for myself, the life I believe I need. So in August 2015, I began looking at the jobs listed on the site and I decided to start filling out an application. Time started slipping and it just went by so fast. I was following the Peace Corps on Facebook and Twitter at this time and there was a notification stating that if I applied by October 1st, I could be shipped out in June of 2016, after Jenna and Paul’s wedding, and about the time I would need to be looking for a new place to live. So I began working on my second attempt of the application. I submitted it on September 30, 2015. I was completely unaware there were additional steps after the original submission until I received an email almost immediately after my submission. The next step was to pick a location and a job I was interested in. My first choice was Fiji and the position I chose was any. The second choice was open to wherever I was needed. There was a little box to fill out any additional information I wanted to include so I took to the time to include that I wanted to depart in June of 2016 and I needed to live in a country where vegetables are available, or that it was possible for me to grow a garden wherever I went. I had heard so many stories of the difficulty of maintaining vegetarianism while serving and though I was willing to attempt eating meat again, I knew it would be IMPOSSIBLE for me to maintain existence without vegetables. My sorority sister Liz and informed me that while she was placed in Birkina Faso, there was not many options for vegetables. I was nervous about that, so I made sure to include this in my placement requests. There was also a medical questionnaire that was VERY thorough, I mean VERY, and a few other steps. I filled out this information on October 1st, which made me a little nervous about getting a June departure date because everywhere I read, it stated that I had to apply BY October 1st.

I was contacted on October 5, 2015 by Beth from the Peace Corps, requesting to arrange an interview for the Peace Corps program in Malawi departing in June 2016. I was very excited and completely floored that I got an interview that quickly! I filled out the form to pick my interview time and I signed up for Friday, October 16th, 2015 at 10:00 AM EST. I was excited and informed only a few close friends, my family, and my bosses. Everyone was very supportive and excited for me except my family, which is understandable. They didn’t really understand the entire concept of the Peace Corps and they were scared allowing me to go to Africa, the land of the complete unknown. I spent some time trying to share what little I knew, but much more than they knew, and my dad was supportive and even talked with me about the possibility of him coming to visit if I were lucky enough to be placed. My grandparents on the other hand were in complete defense mode. They tried talking me out of my decision to join and made it quite clear that though they didn’t agree, they would still support me. My sister is jealous and scared to have me leave, but she understands.

On October 16th, my interview took place at 7am via Skype from the comfort of my own bedroom. I woke up at 5am to get ready, both mentally and physically. I curled my hair, did my make up, made a big breakfast and a whole pot of coffee. Thirty minutes before my interview I was SO incredibly nervous. I had the nervous poo. My interview lasted about two hours and I had mixed feelings about it. I honestly didn’t really feel like it went well, I tried to be honest and realistic about EVERY aspect, including my unsureness and fear about living conditions and life away from America. I felt like my answers were very similar to one another, not providing much range in my replies, which made me a bad candidate. At the end, I was asked if I would consider being placed on the waitlist and I said of course I would, and then I was told that decisions would be known on or before December 1st, but not to be surprised if I were to hear soon. I took this as a good sign, but I was still unsure about every other part of my interview. I waited and waited and about a week later I emailed Beth to thank her for my interview and to inform her I had done a bit of reading on current volunteer’s blogs and felt more comfortable with the idea of living in Malawi and living without running water or electricity. She wrote back and told me that she was glad to hear I had been doing research and have become more comfortable with serving in Malawi. She also informed me that she would be reviewing my application in two weeks. Awesome. I would hopefully have a better idea in two weeks? Maybe? I was being hopeful.

Four days later, Friday, I received the invitation to join Peace Corps Malawi. I was in complete shock! And I know I am going to want to remember that moment forever so here it goes:

It was 1:00pm, the time when I usually leave the house to go pick up Rowan from school, but Hope and I were talking about who knows what. I had been waiting on a shipment from china with my Halloween costume in it so I was constantly checking my email to see if there was any update on my package. I absentmindedly sat down and refreshed my email as I was in mid conversation with Hope and I saw I had a new email from Beth and the subject read “RE: Peace Corps- Invitation!”. I immediately gasped and said Oh MY GOD! I was speechless. I opened the email and just stared. Hope asked me what was wrong, I looked at her and couldn’t say anything so I just pointed at the computer. She asked me again, “what?” I replied, “Oh my god,” and continued to point at the computer. She walked over and looked at the screen and grew excited for me, stating she knew I would get in. I felt so many emotions, excitement and fear were the two most felt. I had to get going to pick up Rowan so I had to suppress my excitement and get through the work day because I didn’t want Rowan knowing just yet, in fact I am VERY scared to have that conversation with her. I am going to miss that little girl so much and it is going to break my heart having to tell her the news when it gets closer.

When I got home, I was exhausted from the day and all of the emotions so I attempted to nap but it was pointless so instead I got ready for dinner, Jenna and Paul had suggested we celebrate!

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