goodnessgracies--blog

[goodnessgracies--blog]

Every child finds a day when they realize that adults can be weak and wrong just like everyone else. After that day, you are an adult. Like it or not.

Peter V. Brett, Warded man  (via wordsnquotes)

[goodnessgracies--blog]

What happens when they are blood? What happens when they are the very people supposed to protect you? Is this a scar I will forever sport? Will my heart ever fully heal?

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[goodnessgracies--blog]

My heart does not have a fallback, no plan b or failsafe,  it’s you or no one else.

Beau Taplin // F a l l b a c k   (via afadthatlastsforever)

[goodnessgracies--blog]

Oh, what about you?

”What about you? What are your wishes? What do you want?”

Is anyone going to ask me that at all? 

Slowly, everything I ever wanted, I’m giving up one by one. Even though it’s our day, our life.  But they just want to take, take, take it away. Force me to accept that things are the way they are and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I get one shot at this. One shot.

And it seems I’m losing.

Having to fight for almost everything is taking a big toll on me, it’s draining. I hate the fact that other children are probably getting a ton of support from their parents emotionally, financially, and they never ever will have to think of choosing sides, picking sides, wondering how to pay for every single thing, fighting for their loved ones to be present at the most important day of their lives, I hate to compare. But it seems I just get the shortest end of the stick every time. 

If one day I no longer pick up, stop showing up, will people then start to realize that I exist? That I have been silently screaming but they haven’t been listening? That I have always been asked to “Be strong through it all and keep my head up” but they don’t see I’m trying so hard to stay afloat even though my heart is so crushed.

I miss you. I miss the safe haven that envelopes me when things get hard, that caresses my hair and tells me It’ll be okay. That pulls me in tight and I know it’ll be okay with you.

This must be where heartache get it’s name, cause it literally hurts and my chest heaves with each intake of breath, my heart aches a physical, dull ache that never seems to go away. 

[goodnessgracies--blog]

Reflections.

So we are just about 5 months away from #siangtochan’s wedding!

Gosh! 5 years have whizzed past just like that and some days I still can’t wrap my head around how is it that we have ended up together, grown, fought, made up, and then realized the depth at which we loved each other, to being engaged, and now, to 5 months away from being officially Mr and Mrs! I love this guy, he constantly makes me want to be a better person and to love and trust God with greater intensity and fervency. Totally looking forward to doing life together with you baby!

I think back to my past, which really seems so distant now. I think back to Dad, whom I see now on a regular basis and can have conversations with. I think back to the time when our family was falling apart at such a fast and destructive pace I couldn’t even see this happen.

I recall when the walls around my heart were so thick, like a fortress that I never knew if anyone would be able to break through them to get to who I am inside. I wondered if I would ever marry, if I could ever love another person from the depths of my soul and allow him to love me back the same. Questions often raced through my mind at the darkest hours of the night, and insomnia was often a familiar face.

Yet I witnessed for myself the tremendous power Forgiveness has had - it broke the power of darkness and set me free. I forgave, because I have been forgiven much.

Yes, my family is still broken. Yes, it will never be whole, and I have thought before I would never be whole again. Yes, my heart bears scars that still rip open from time to time.

But what does being whole mean? To have 2 parents living together under one roof? To not have a broken family? Is that the definition of wholeness?

I have realized that for me, to be whole is a state of mind, it is very much a choice I can make.

I am whole now, by the grace of God that has crashed over me time and time again, giving me strength to stand and courage for another day. I am whole now, because my Master Craftsmen has delicately placed each broken, discarded piece of my heart into His hands and slowly, patched me back up again, and while doing so, placed a part of Himself into me, making me a beautifully messed up tapestry of my life and His.

I am whole again, because He whispered so many times into my ears to stand again, that He’s carrying me.

I am whole, I have forgiven, I am ready more than ever to embark into a new season of my life.

How could I ever leave this endless chasm of love that sweeps over me daily? That comes from the biggest giver of Love - God Himself?

May my life always be a song for You, God,

[goodnessgracies--blog]

[goodnessgracies--blog]

Because I walked myself into a bus stop seat made of concrete. 😂 #bodyfullofscars

[goodnessgracies--blog]

Sweetest friend and best staff I'll ever have! Thank you so much @kaixinnnnnn for your sweeeeet gesture, it really sweetened up my tiring week :') Love you loads hun and we'll make that retreat happen one day! 😘

[goodnessgracies--blog]

And to my amazing big hearted client, gosh, just hearing what she shared gave me goosebumps. We were blessed because of her giving! Thank you! 💕 Considering how we didn't tell anyone we really wanted to go at all, and to hear how months ago, she already bought 8 tickets at a go without knowing who she will give them too yet, but just with the intention she wanted to bless. The tickets totalled about a thousand dollars. And she gave them away just like that. It's not about whether she could afford it, many probably could too. But many wouldn't have thought of it at all. Knowing how God already sees the desires of my heart even before I uttered them.. :') Don't take for granted small blessings or chuck them aside. Every step, every small thing. Adds up to much. Tired, but refreshed. Weary, but encouraged. One word. Blessed!

[goodnessgracies--blog]

#fangirl moment! But beyond that, something was deposited in our hearts yesterday. Still so tremendously grateful and blessed we got to go. :') To want to see His will done, on earth as it is in Heaven. True freedom in worship. Not restrictive, regulated performances. And to have such audacious faith to believe for what may seem like the impossible right now. On earth as it is in Heaven, let Heaven, oh let Heaven come on earth, as it is, in Heaven..

[goodnessgracies--blog]

"The best relationships in our lives are the best not because they have been the happiest ones, they are that way because they have stayed strong through the most tormentful of storms." - Pandora Poikilos, Excuse Me, My Brains Have Stepped Out) // Thank you for weathering the storms together with me. Even through the rough patches, I know there's no one else I'd rather fight to have time with, and no one else I'd rather be with. 💜 (at Carol Mel Cafe)

[goodnessgracies--blog]

One of my clients got me an issue of Kinfolk, all because she saw this page and thought of me. 💕😗 How funny I'm reading this now while her 2 crazy felines run amok in front of me... And try to eat my legs. #petsitting #gratitude @comfortsfromhome

[goodnessgracies--blog]

The things a photographer has to do in order to get good shots. Like contort your body into various weird poses to be on the same level with your photo subjects. 😁 Thank you @wildlifestyle.co for a great afternoon of shooting Yogi and I at work! Can't wait to see all the shots! Yogi sure put up a show for ya! 😘 #behindthescenes

[goodnessgracies--blog]

When conversations got too serious, we do train-fies. 😂 #fellowship #n505

[goodnessgracies--blog]

Andddd we're back again! Cos the food is just so good! So so so so so thankful for Date days. 😘😘😘 (at Aeiou)

[goodnessgracies--blog]

Sneaked this shot while he was sharing..(I was still listening!). Realized I really enjoy listening to my man share his heart, preach, challenge and inspire/encourage. He's a thinker, he doesn't blindly follow the crowd, often thinks of things no one else would have thought of and sees things in different perspectives, and is a person of such great faith that I am honestly sometimes awed. Thank You God, for blessing me with a man I know I can follow. Just 9 more months to go till #siangtochan. Excited to start our lives together and see where God leads! :)

[goodnessgracies--blog]

So privileged to do life with them. My heart is overwhelmed this week by Your goodness and love, and it's not even the end of the week yet. :') #treasuredpeople #n505