goobus-central

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NOOOOOObut actually its not that bad because every post you make reaches into my flayed soul and expresses all my feelings for me

yes even this one

i think the spider in my bathroom is dead lemme flush it down the toilet

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marie has a #1 dad mug. its the only one she uses, and will be Very Upset if someone uses it and doesn't wash it. upon being questioned about it, she will always respond with "what do you mean? i'm a wonderful father".

this is not a headcanon.

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my two very strange splatoon ocs/au characters

garbagetwink: evil possessed mad scientist who is garbage and a twink, hence the name. he exists for the sole reason that octavio is dead and i needed an antagonist. canonically responsible for all the psychological warfare the new squidbeak endured, and potentially arson. everyone hates him. callie has nearly strangled him on several occasions.

god: god. they have four arms, three eyes, and are pro lgbtq; often depicted with top surgery scars. super chill. doesnt really have anything to do with any of the suffering that happens to people, and is powerless to prevent it without spawning a meteor or some shit. denies any affiliation with the bible. pretty much just a silly self insert, except they dont like suffering and i crave it

edit: OH YEAH i forgot that they interact regularly. garbagetwink occasionally pops into gods part of the void like "hey kinggg whats the tea" and god is annoyed at his mere existence. god did not make garbagetwink and has no idea where he came from

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i think (my au) marie wrote this

thanks for being nice to me. in return i will die for you and never leave your side and go grocery shopping with you.

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i bet marie was CRUSHED when vine went down. she cried for at least 5 days

Pearl: Croissants? Dropped.

Callie: Road? Works ahead.

Marie: BBQ sauce? On my titties.

Marina: shavacado? Fre.

Marie: Miss Keisha? Fuckin' dead.

Dj Octavio: ...

Dj Octavio, grumpy: I didn't understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.

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i love lesbian with religious trauma callie and autistic forest-dwelling cryptid marie.

marie thought callie was american

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im so obsessed with this that i am compelled to write the Do You Order Clams There bit in full. this is from s3 e9, if i've gotten you interested

marie: callie this game is very simple. im going to tell you a place, and you tell me if you're going to order clams there or not-

callie: okay-

marie: -and i will tell you if you're correct or not.

callie: okay *incessant giggling*

marie: you're going to try to do this as fast as you possibly can.

callie: ok am i going to tell you if im

callie: if i

callie: if i in this state of mind know i should or shouldnt, or if i honestly will?

marie: if you honestly will.

callie: ok.

marie: ok?

callie: ok.

callie: im going to be ashamed of some of my answers

marie: tell me when youre ready

*callie gives a thumbs up*

marie: so this is Do You Order Clams There; callie are you ready

callie: yep!

marie: number one; an italian restaurant overlooking the pacific ocean

callie: yes

marie: good. italian restaurant overlooking the atlantic ocean

callie: yyes?

marie: correct. italian restaurant overlooking a pond of street water in a bakersfield parking lot

callie: i- yes.

marie: no

callie: *more giggling*

marie: no.

marie: olive garden

callie: y-yes.

marie: no.

callie: *giggling III*

marie: petsmart cat section is giving out free samples of shredded clams

callie: *still giggling* no

marie: good. gas station in italy

callie: yes *even more giggling*

marie: we'll take it. gas station on an island in greece

callie: ye e es??

marie: we'll take it. gas station on [indistinct] boulevard

callie: ...no.

marie: correct. hard rock cafe

callie: yes...

marie: no.

callie: *endless giggling* i know i shouldnt...

marie: rainforest cafe.

callie: ...no.

marie: good.

callie: i would order fried shrimp tho

marie: good. any chain restaurant ending in "cafe"

callie: sure.

marie: no.

callie: *can you guess what im about to type? giggling.*

marie: your parents house

callie: yes.

marie: correct

[a bit that doesnt fit because syd is jewish and im pretty sure marie isnt]

marie: a bar in downtown los angeles.

callie: yeah.

marie: no

callie: i know...i know... *giggling doesn't even seem like a real word anymore*

marie: a 24-hour fitness locker room

callie: no.

marie: correct.

callie: thank you :3

marie: a moving box under a highway overpass that has "Clams-R-Us" written in sharpie on it

callie: ...not if im sober.

marie:*disgusted*...no??? just no in general

callie: i mean no in general

[another syd-is-jewish thing]

marie: an amc movie theater that is also selling wicked popcorn, which is just stale green and pink kettle corn

callie: *deep breath* oh boy....

marie: you know this one

callie: i cant.

marie: correct

callie: i cant cus i already bought the wicked popcorn and then ate two handfuls of it and went "oh my god i think im gonna die" *giggling #69420*

marie: charlie day has 6 clams in his pocket

callie: yeah.

marie: no.

callie: 100%.

marie: no.

callie: doing it.

marie: no.

callie: *giggling...again*

marie: an italian restaurant your dad recommended in santa barbara

callie: yes.

marie: correct

callie: AH. THATS A GREAT GAME

marie: and that was the game Do You Order Clams There

callie: oh man, thats a beautiful game

can you guys see where im going with this...

i can just HEAR the Do You Order Clams There bit in callie and maries voices

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sometimes when im too delusional about my au, the canon gives me whiplash. what do you mean marie didnt get so pissed she carved octavios spine out of his back and kept it as a trophy???? what do you mean she isnt socially inept and more than a little feral???

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im begging you to stop flooding my fyp. i love every single post i see with all my heart but you are quite literally EVERYWHERE.

i think the spider in my bathroom is dead lemme flush it down the toilet

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(be warned, this is an au post!!! not canon compliant!!! alternate universe!!!!!!)

me omw to write a log for marie from when callie fucking disappeared. it'll never see the light of day, but im willing to share a few morsels of it. (just so you know, marie literally didnt sleep for 6 months and not all of the entries are totally coherent.)

here are the highlights!:

12/25 - merry fucking christmas.

the entry for february 7th is just the word "FUCK" repeated 57 times. i refuse to write all that.

02/19 - i can't sleep. i feel like shit.

03/13 - its my birthday. planned on putting myself out of my misery as a little treat, but i have better things to do.

04/25 - did 3 really just leave me to fucking die

05/17 - agent 4 needs to shut up

06/03 -if god is real i hate him

06/15why cant i fuckin g sleep

0630 im so cold

hope you enjoyed watching her slowly devolve into near insanity! she does sleep for two days straight and mostly recovers afterward

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i have no idea why you sent me this but i agree wholeheartedly. please bash her head against the wall a few times for me <333

edit: i just remembered i was gonna follow you so im gonna do that now. unless i already did and forgot

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i desperately want to drop-kick callie as well (affectionate...kind of)

Can I dropkick your cousin (She'll be fine, in fact I think the impact would hurt me more than her)

Why would you even attempt that? Why? Like...why? Buuuuut, if she does so happen to put on the hypnoshades again, I give you full permission to dropkick her.

Who said that?!

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time for my 7 billionth squid sister post of the day i accidentally made an inside joke with my (non-splatoon fandom) friend about callie and marie's government names being "super lesbian" and "penis lol" respectively and somehow i got so used to it that i just instinctively call marie "penis lol". hypno-callie is referred to as "super-not-lesbian".

they asked who my favorite character was but i didnt realize theyd be drawing her and needed a reference and they legitimately almost looked up "penis lol from splatoon"

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for all my very autistic squid sisters fans that get violent at the mere thought of them, make sure you torture your SS amiibos!!!! marie has been waterboarded on several occasions and was then hung upside down for several months. i dont currently know where she is. callie was exposed to horrors beyond her comprehension and is now completely catatonic, reduced to staring at the wall and crying on occasion. they haven't seen each other for like a year, but that might be a good thing since their only memories of each other are from before The Great Suffering, and seeing each other now would only hurt them further

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can you guys see where im going with this...

i can just HEAR the Do You Order Clams There bit in callie and maries voices

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begging on my hands and knees for someone to make a llamas with hats animatic for the squid sisters. its just so perfect.

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gay hcs for the new squidbeak

-callie is lesbian but if you ask her about it she gets really scared and nervous (shes haunted and the thing haunting her is homophobic)

-marie is a cryptid that has no concept of gender or sexual orientation. shes just here to visit family

-agent 3

-agent 4 is transmasc. he got stabbed once. he is also bi

-neo is questioning but theyre definitely not cishet

-captain cuttlefish is dead and so is octavio. im sorry but they were too old

-i have an oc that im currently dubbing "garbagetwink" that is somewhat affiliated with the new squidbeak so ill put the fact hes gay in here