gonedigital22

[gonedigital22]

November 3rd 2024

i had a good morning today. I fell asleep at 7:30pm last night so I woke up very early this morning. I was able to wake up my cousin and we went to waffle house this morning. The guy at waffle House gave us a hat and it was cute, we wore out hats the entire meal. I was able to eat a 2 egg breakfast with double hashbrowns because I did a 24 hour fast yesterday. I measured my body today and I'm not happy about it but it's okay

-Elizabeth 11/3/24

[gonedigital22]

October 26th 2024

Children mean everything, their laughter can warm you on a cold day. The smiles that surround them bring out smiles to our faces on joy we had forgotten about. However, as a child becomes a preteen, then a teen, a young adult, and in finality they become an Adult, no one smiles for them any longer. The world has forgotten their joy. The world has integrated that joyful child into its own dark chasm. And as we all have become adults we slowly know we were never special and we were never really anything at all. The children are special they are kind and joyful, curious, funny. But our time as Adults has come and we must wallow and toil in our filthy miserable lives devoid of love and laughter in such a pure genuine way. A way that only a child would know.

This is why children are important, they can bring us to their levels and let us glimpse once more the world we had known so long ago.

-Elizabeth 10/26/24

[gonedigital22]

October 26th 2024

Today we are taking calls at work again. I like it better than just sitting through accounts and making outbounds, plus I like being an asshole to customers when they are doing fraud. Earlier I had a fraud account, the customer was creating multiple accounts to get new customer promotions and I told them we will not be honoring it any longer, they will need to place a new order on their old account. They told me that those accounts were other members of her house and I said "oh that's interesting they all have the same name and we're ordering the same items?" She got pissed and just started saying, "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you." Then hung up. It was funny and satisfying, I don't give a shit about your lies lady. I have to be so polite and kind all fucking day to people I want to scream at. I'm delighted to ruin yours. I don't give a shit about your life or nothing.

Fuck you lady

-Elizabeth 10/26/24

[gonedigital22]

October 24th 2024

why do people seek relationships they have no business being in? They want love and acceptance then when someone is ready to give them that forever they can't seem to comprehend how that person can fit into their life even though they have already got that person there and they have already actively been with them for so long. Unfortunately (or fortunately I do not know anymore) in my case they have fit me into their lives for 5 years plus. I don't know what to do I've searched for answers everywhere on how to make this work for me and I come up with zero certainty. I have no one to ask for help and I've got no one to cry to. I've wrapped my friendship into him just as much if not more than our romantic involvement. I desperately do not want to lose him and his comfort and warmth. I want that more than anything even when I'm so very angry with our situation I just want to be loved and promised that love forever just like anyone else

-Elizabeth 10/24/24

[gonedigital22]

October 23rd 2024

I know that I must take time for myself to heal after what has happened. I need to be my own friend again and connect to what is important to me. Chasing after a man who has made it very clear where we stand is worthless. I am not ready to end whatever it is that we have but I will not fall back into the patterns that lead me to this heartbreak. If he so chooses to stay he will. I'm through being the person who puts in the most effort for this. I'm through having hope that we may be anything more than friends with benefits. He tells me we have a significant romance, that saying boyfriend and girlfriend would diminish the closeness that we have. Well that is bullshit utter bullshit. He can shove this "significant romance" up his stupid ass. He clearly has big feelings about me and that's fine. I don't care how he feels about this sudden change in me. I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of my feelings being second to his own. I'm through. He can suffer the loss of me. I won't suffer anymore.

-Elizabeth 10/23/24

[gonedigital22]

October 20th 2024

I wish you did not teach me suicide was an option. I wish you kept on going. 9 years old was too young to lose a father. Should you be here now however, I'm not sure if I'd love you the same. You got to die when I thought of you as a hero still.

The reality of such is that you were good with me. Would you be good with teen me? Would you be good with the prospect of me having sex or dating a Muslim man? Would you love me still after I've cussed you out and said your ruining my life? Were you really a good dad?

I know you were a bad husband and a drunk. I also know you were molested and beat to shit and that you protected me. You never spanked me. You loved me.

-Elizabeth 10/20/24

[gonedigital22]

October 20th 2024

I woke up crying this morning. I had a nightmare that you told me you were getting married to someone else. I woke up and cried "NO!" And hit myself in the head because it stressed me out so much. In my dream I begged you to marry me instead. I promised to take care of your parents as they aged. I promised to work hard and save money to support us. I swore that I'd be a perfect and kind wife. I begged you on my knees not to leave me alone in this life. None of it mattered to you. You looked at me guilty and sad, with pity, but you had made your mind up. I was doomed to be alone again. I was doomed to be promised all this love but never have it because for some reason all the promises were lies again.

-Elizabeth 10/20/24

[gonedigital22]

October 19th 2024

the need for a moment alone and to myself is insistant. Though, when I'm able to have that it's wasted with my stupid phone or work. Perhaps I need a week of aloneness.

When my roommate was back at home with our family for 3 weeks I got to be alone and I read more and went to the coffee shop more. I was lonely but it felt better than when I'm here with her and she doesn't understand me and she is selfish and she is cruel. I stupidly try to reach out yet she continually crushes me when I do. We've known each other since she was in the womb. I was born 4 months prior. We shared our childhoods together, we shared our traumas and sorrows. So why is it that we are so different.why can't she see me. Why do I have to be incredibly alone in this life yet she gets to have me.

-Elizabeth 10/19/24

[gonedigital22]

🙏Please donate a small amount that may save my father's life, only 38€ left to buy my father's treatment, his doctor's appointment is tomorrow, please do not ignore my message and do not hesitate to help me❤️‍🩹

Account No. 9 due to repeated deletion😭💔

🛑I am having difficulty communicating, please donate or share.🫂

✅My campaign is verified by: @gaza-evacuation-funds

🙏

I've sent some money your way. God bless you and your family I wish you nothing but prosperity and most importantly safety. I pray that we may meet as brothers and sisters at the end of this horrifying injustice.

[gonedigital22]

October 19th 2024

I wish life was an easier endeavor for me. I understand that there is nothing special or important about me compared to anyone else and that when I feel it is unfair and unkind that there are a million and more people who are not starving by choice like myself. But they starve because of me and everyone else in this God forsaken county. So it feels insulting to starve myself and it also feels insulting to eat at all. My people benefit from the world exploitation, genocide, racism, oppression and such things. My crackhead mother and all of the abuse done to me pales in comparison to any child of Palestine or Iran or the countless other countries that we have been uncomfortable with and continue to watch with passive indifference saying "oh isn't that horrible"

-Elizabeth 10/19/24

[gonedigital22]

October 15th, 2024

I don't know how we are going to move past this. I feel no joy when you hold me. I feel confusion and sadness, I feel hurt and heartache, I feel all the pain of 5 years at once. I hate that I still need you to hold me. Things would be easier if I could resolve myself and leave this situation. Though, for how miserable it is, it is also wonderful and stimulating, kind, hopeful, loving, and a million other positive things that make separation feel impossible.

I need you, I could bear the burden and suffering alone as I have for so many years before you, but I don't wish to any longer. Life is more vibrant with you in it. Life feels more kind and hopeful. I love you

-Elizabeth 8/15/24

[gonedigital22]

October 13th, 2024

My joy is gone I feel only sadness now, I am depressed. I often wish I could simply stop existing. I do not wish to do this myself. However, if I were to suddenly be no more without a trace, no one would remember, no one would have known me at all, that would be fine.

It would be a blessing if God took me back before I was born so that no one would feel the sorrow of me being gone since I'd never been here to begin with. I wish for God to cut off my whole lineage to the first woman to fail as a mother, that began the Domino effect of all the failed mothers past that lead to me. So that the black hole of my family never hurt all these people and children that were so unfortunate to be born within it.

-Elizabeth 10/13/24

[gonedigital22]

[gonedigital22]

October 12th, 2024

i feel beautiful when I'm starving. I have been restricting again I only eat 1300 Cal or under now. Hope to be at my goal weight as soon as possible. I'm going to get on Adderall soon that will help me get my weight down. I don't care how I do it I will be there as soon as I can. I will work so hard to be thin again I want none of my clothes to fit I want collar bones and hip bones I want people to be concerned when I drop all the weight that I can loose.

I can't control anything else so at least I can control what I eat and how much I weight. I'm through being a size large.

-Elizabeth 10/12/24

[gonedigital22]

October 9th, 2024

When I was younger maybe 16-19 I felt like I could do anything. I had so much passion and drive.

I'm 27 now and motivation is very hard to come by. Every day I struggle to do what I need or want to do. My priorities are pathetic and I find myself being close friends with my phone. I miss the girl who used to always have a project she was working on. Who felt pride in creation. Now it's there but so much less intense I fear the older I get the less I will create. I'm sad that someday I may put the paintbrush down and never pick it up again. I don't know who I am if not an artist

-Elizabeth 10/9/24

[gonedigital22]

October 7th 2024

I'm feeling creative today but I don't know what to do in order to satiate that feeling.

I was supposed to have called the psychiatrist, I need to get back on Adderall. I desperately want to get my shit and my thoughts together m plus the added bonus of getting thin again.

I need to get back on my mood stabilizers again too. I wish I wouldn't have gotten off my meds in general but this is the path I've chosen.

No one seems to give a fuck about me or my fucked brain so I may as well drug myself to make them comfortable

-Elizabeth 8/7/24

[gonedigital22]

October 5th 2024

I was having a really good day yesterday. I got to take a 2 hour walk on the trail. I got to go to get sushi and was generally having a nice time with my roommate.

When we got home however she went to take a bath and I needed to use the bathroom a while after.

She got really angry at me threw some things and told me I ruined her time.

I feel bad so I cleaned up her bath for her and apologized but she refused to talk to me for the rest of the night and locked herself in her bedroom. I was actually having a nice day so it was fitting that someone would ruin it.

-Elizabeth 10/5/24

(roommate is my cousin as well so it's stupid fucked family shit)