goldwarriorprincess

[goldwarriorprincess]

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I always said I would never use drugs or alcohol, at family gatherings the adults always drank and everyone seemed happy so I grew up thinking alcohol makes you happy, still I did not do it. As kid and a teenager I went through many emotions and some trauma , I grew up a Jehovah’s Witness and though I did care for them and love god a lot of there ways I did not understand or was very hard for me to do. I had the feelings of bi sexuality as well but had never did the a woman relationship thing, needless to say I left the religion, I had my experience with some women and I finally discovered drugs and alcohol, I did not realize I was suffering from depression now diagnosed with bi polar disorder,  the drugs and alcohol made all the pain from the past go away, so I thought, little did I know I would be lead down into a downward spiral, my life was filled of lies and webs some I could never untangle. I won’t go to the war stories just yet, however I will say after many failed relationships, programs and rehabs 20 yrs later at 41 I got sober and have been sober for 3 yrs, by the grace of god and it’s been a good 3yrs bumpy at times but good, I came a cross a wonderful AA group who have loved and supported and have become my family. I have also been a rainbows and unicorns type of person, I love dance and sing and write, and especially now its the little things that I realized I really love, sobriety has been a blessing. In the first year I was blissfully happy because I finally understood what I needed to do. As people that suffer with addiction know that we are encouraged to get a sponsor, well in my blissfully happy state I found a sponsor who was amazing to me, she was everything AA, she had quality sobriety, she was very active in sobriety and happy and excited about it and I had never seen that in all the programs I was in, I never felt apart of , but this group and this person was different and it felt right. I was caught up in a blissful web of being very involved in AA and helping other, and she became my sponsor and really helped me and guided me in the right directions and was there for me in every step of the way. However even though I was sober and happy I still had my own webs that needed clearing and that would take time to heal and work out the right way, but being me and not realizing the pink cloud of new sobriety, I still had some of my old ways especially the struggle that I have had with co dependency I always pick the wrong people for me even some were really great people. So what happen part of me being tired of men wanted to explore being with a woman and I chose my sponsor who is gay, I had a fever for her all I wanted was her and I was happy and in the clouds with her, a part of his thought this is a bad idea but we like the thrill of it and that the  people in the rooms did not know. But with all things the fever died a little however we came to love each other very much we have been together since I was 5 months sober, we have alot of fun together, and experienced some good some bad, if I continue the story I will definitely go into more details of my life which will be rough but it’s webs I need to clear. Today I find myself in the unique position where from the beginning she never wanted anyone to know about our relationship, however I come from the old school where when you meet someone and you decided to be in a relationship you become a couple, she had stifled me and has strongly let me know for a long time that we are not together when it comes to our AA group, I was ok with it for some time, however it has come to point now that I have matured in sobriety and with myself that I want to be a couple and I don’t understand why you must let people know that we are best friends, she says she does not need to be defined with my, does that make sense? I don’t want I want to be proud that we are together, everyone knows she is gay it doesn’t have to be said she is but everyone knows. Now that I have matured in sobriety, have my own place have a job I love etc. I want to be with someone who will love me for me and not be ashamed to express that we are together, or want to build a future, another thing in which she lacks a lot of ambition and just life in general which has not been easy for me, I find myself wondering if this experience should just stay and experience and I should move on, I know a part of me misses being with a man, hold his hand or him hugging me in public something we don’t do, i’m tired and i’m still co- dependent I don’t want to loose her it makes so so so sad and I cry at the idea, I don’t want this to affect our sobriety, however the other day in AA share, I shared a story and I referenced her as my partner that was a bad move and she is now very upset with me because she did not want anyone to know about us in that way, yet we are together for 2 and half years and go to meeting together all the time, people are not stupid besides that they love and care for us no matter what, but this situation has created tangled webs of emotions I do not know how to untangle or get out of, I know I won’t drink but like they say it is an arms length away, I down want to wash my webs away with poison which is what alcohol is to me. I welcome feed back and perhaps i will share my story in full, I believe it will help and encourage anyone who reads this.