goldenoyster

[goldenoyster]

TOMORROW IS HALLOWEEN!!!

[goldenoyster]

shit man tomorrow is christmas eve i swear yesterday was June 2010

[goldenoyster]

If William Shakespeare knew what neopronouns were he’d be unstoppable

[goldenoyster]

scurvy has got to have one of the biggest disease/treatment coolness gaps of all time. like yeah too much time at sea will afflict you with a curse where your body starts unraveling and old wounds come back to haunt you like vengeful ghosts. unless☝️you eat a lemon

[goldenoyster]

hey bro can i ask you a question that will reveal a deep and fundamental gap in my knowledge of the world

[goldenoyster]

stop trying to be palatable, stop trying to be palatable, stop

[goldenoyster]

"syntax error: unclosed if at line 56": perfect error message, tells me exactly what I need to fix and exactly where to look for it.

"memory write failure at address 0xeb008a": good error message. describes the problem well enough to enable troubleshooting by an experienced user.

"something went wrong, please try again": bad error message. does not tell me anything useful.

"oops! something blooped! 🙁": I will kill you with my bare teeth

[goldenoyster]

[goldenoyster]

[goldenoyster]

the hottest thing a man can have is a vaguely haunted look in his eyes like he had to confront an eldritch being a few years ago and the horror has mostly worn off but still sometimes sneaks up on him in quiet moments. the second hottest thing a man can have is a hoop earring.

no no. I trust that this will find its target audience

[goldenoyster]

[goldenoyster]

Just so you know… There is no “the queen”. Why? 

There are so, so many queens.

They make up half of the human population.

We call them “women”. 

[goldenoyster]

Concept I've been stewing on for a while here. I've got a name for it now and I'm calling it the Shot Dog Factor. It's a numerical value, assignable to any internet post, which represents the average number of engagements it needs to reach before someone comes along acting like this post shot their dog.

And for the sake of High Number = More Danger, which feels like the intuitive and sensible read, let's call it the inverse. As in the chance that any given interaction results in a Shot Dog response.

"Hee hee haa haa" type of silly shitpost? Low Shot Dog Factor. Largely safe. A genuine political opinion? Critically high Shot Dog Factor. Guaranteed to elicit such a response if it breaks containment.

As a result of this phenomenon, you see phrasings and circumventions added specifically to lower the Shot Dog factor. Every "now I know this doesn't apply to EVERYONE'S specific situation, but I just think--" about something where the non-specificity was obvious, but OP needed to add that disclaimer to avoid the Shot Dog from someone who thinks it needs to apply to them.

And another--perhaps the most--critical thing to understand about the Shot Dog factor is that 0 is not a valid value. There's a discontinuation at 0. And as such, the Shot Dog limit, as engagement goes to infinity is, in fact, 100%. Any and every post you have ever made, given enough containment breaching, WILL piss someone off in wild ways. You can lower the Shot Dog factor but it is never 0. Sometimes when a post of yours escapes containment, you must simply sit back and accept this reality.

[goldenoyster]

[goldenoyster]

tumblr is really funny because a bunch of the posts on here are the kind of funny that anyone would enjoy them. but then there's also a good fucking portion of posts on here that are so fucking bizarre that they're only really funny to the weird cockroach bitches whove been on tumblr nonstop for over a decade. and if you're tumblr-irradiated enough, you start to lose the ability to differentiate between those two types of posts.

[goldenoyster]

I love old union songs because it's like this fucking asshole was a scab so we fucking threw him in the river and he broke his spine and when he went to heaven he was scabbing on the angels so they fired him down to heaven and the devil was like you have to work in hell for being a dirty scab

[goldenoyster]

its always devastating when the hyperfixation dies/changes and ur left in the rubble of everything you built for said hyperfixation. like what now

WHAT NOW !!!!!!!