goldenoyster

[goldenoyster]

being an online weirdo is fucking awesome because you get to befriend other online weirdos. just now saw a sexual motorcycle post and i was like "hey i'll send this to my buddy, The Motorcycle Fucker" and sure enough it was a smash hit

[goldenoyster]

[goldenoyster]

Don't be scared of getting older. Every year I'm reborn as the most me I've ever been.

[goldenoyster]

This is the level of hyperanalystic bullshit I live for

[goldenoyster]

i cannot hate myself into a version of me i will love.

[goldenoyster]

this is a Nazca ceramic vessel from the ica region of Peru made anywhere between 200 bce and 600 ce but don't you feel like you could log on to any website today and see this face as someone's avatar. pre-Columbian rantsona

[goldenoyster]

[goldenoyster]

Me meeting a genie: Okay, so my first wish is for 1000 dollars a day, deposited to my bank account without any way of tracing it to anything illegal. I want this money to come from the ten richest people in America (100 dollars each), withdrawn under the guise of nebulous, random purchases and surcharges. It would probably be best to split the money into a myriad of smaller fees, though, to reduce the likelihood of anyone noticing. Got all that?

Genie: um

Me, continuing on without a care: For my SECOND wish, I want you to give me the ability to learn any given phoneme, so that I can learn to pronounce new languages perfectly. If you’re willing, it’d be nice if it were a little easier to memorize new languages too, but if that’s not cool, I’m perfectly fine doing all the legwork myself I mostly just want to be capable of pronouncing things correctly.

Genie, now staring at me like I’m insane: ……okaaayyy?….

Me: For my third wish. I want to always have great ideas for gifts for people. Every birthday, every holiday, I want to be able to come up with something they’d really like, with enough time to actually get it for them.

Genie, just staring at me

Me: I can provide you with a written document if that would help.

[goldenoyster]

adding something to my "adult advice that i had to discover for myself either because no one told me or when i saw adults do it as a kid i couldn't possibly understand," featuring such hits as "grill sandwiches with mayo" and "almost no quality matters more than flexibility," and it is:

clean your house before a vacation because returning to an already clean house is waaay better than sex

[goldenoyster]

Happy birthday Queen

[goldenoyster]

[goldenoyster]

Oh woah hey there 🐱 I think that was a funny little accident just now. 🐱 You see I was just licking this plate of food left on the counter and you 🐱 pushed my face right out of the way. I think you just did not notice 🐱 my face was there so no worries, I’ll just go back to 🐱 OH you’ve pushed my face away again? Sorry I don’t mean to embarrass 🐱 you but I am in the middle of something here so I will simply just 🐱 You have pushed my face away again?????? 🐱🐱🐱

[goldenoyster]

[goldenoyster]

has anybody seen my pet piece of paper. his name is walter he is very fragile but very adventurous. i should never have left the window open in my tenth story apartment

[goldenoyster]

just saw a single piece of paper drift past 50 feet in the air over buildings like a beautiful white bird

[goldenoyster]

Selkie Eddie/Steve

Have we considered that with selkie Steve or Eddie that the battle vest being given gets extra juicy? Either we have Selkie Eddie and his battle vest is his pelt right, and he absolutely wops Steve with it when he's talking to Nancy like 'NO MINE' like some sort of claim/immediate marriage proposal, he's locking that shit DOWN Nancy Wheeler WHO. And Steve puts it on and wanders around the upside down with it, excellent, no notes. OR We have selkie Steve, who Eddie chucks that battle vest at, not knowing the significance it would hold to Steve who watched him wear that thing every day. It's a pelt equivalent, Eddie knows Steve is a selkie because of the boat situation (an added reason it was Steve going into the water) so, Steve's thought process going: Eddie knows I'm a selkie He knows my pelt is important He gave me his pelt Marriage??? Just rocking up to the ICU where Eddie is being kept and Wayne isn't there yet so nobody is in there with him and the hospital staff said family only and tried to lock them all out. Steve like well actually, that is my fiance, so I'm Allowed thank you very much. Eddie waking up when they're trying to pester Steve from the room like no thank you I'm staying with my future husband and just laying there like Am I dead Did I die Is this a dream? What's happening right now? Idk, I just think selkies

[goldenoyster]

Being ace in fandoms is so awkward sometimes because yeah the allos like the irredeemably evil villain who has murdered countless innocent people and experiments on children because he's conventionally attractive, what's my excuse? I like this guy for his personality. His personality is a burning truck of chemicals without a driver rolling at 220 km/h down the hill towards the daycare.