golden-rule1-blog

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I think it's about time that I go ahead and kill myself.

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I just hate that people have to be sick to love me.

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Even if this kills me.

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I can promise you with certainty that as long as I live you will never have to worry about not having someone to come home to.

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I'm gonna start placing distance between myself and the ones I love. I'm all out of fight and I want them to have time to get used to living without me before they have to.

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The pillars of creation. We are so small yet so infinite. We matter not to the mechanisms that surround us but create the universe of those who love us. I can't wait to be one of those stars.

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A long time ago I met the most amazing person.

You were vibrant and full of strength.

You loved music. You loved to dance.

And I don't know why I didn't love you better

when I had the chance. I dont know why I hated

those summer visits that seemed to drag on

forever in my younger years. All the ignorance

of youth robbed me of the chance to appreciate

you and your home as I should have. I

remember christmases and the year you got

the artificial tree because a real one wouldnt

hold up all the ornaments ,and how your home

always smelled like old books except when you

made breakfast. Then it smelled like

cholesterol. mounds of bacon eggs sausage

grits and all other manner of traditional

southern fare. To feed all 3-5 people at home

you would prepare enough to ensure a small

village would never go hungry. You liked to sing

Gospel while you toiled away in the kitchen.

Waking everyone up. Before 5 A.M. and I'm just

thinking about how much I miss that now.

You taught me how important it is to dance.

Even if you aren't good at it.

You told me that you've gotta just let loose

sometimes and laugh at yourself. Perhaps even

in spite of yourself.

I remember in my darkest brooding teen angst

days you were the only one who still believed in

me. Truth be told that meant more than you will

ever know because I never got the chance to tell

you.

Over the last year. I told you so many things that

I loved about you that I took for granted, but that

was after your mind had begun to fade.

I only hope somehow those words made their

way to you. I hope you know how loved you

were. And how sorry I am for not telling you

sooner. I miss you so much grandma and I

know you deserved better.

But you were a woman of unshakeable faith

and if theres a heaven I know you're waiting on

me. I'm only hoping that I learned enough from

you to get in. I'm getting buried in dancing

shoes, I owe you that much .

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It's been a while.

A long while since I've been honest. With myself or anyone else. I'm living the best I know how and taking changes in my life in stride. I'm doing the best I can to navigate the delicate balance and trying not to push people away. But the truth is I'm not well. In spite of my best efforts I am losing ground. This isn't for anyone but myself. To help me chronicle the events as they happen and serve to remind me of where I've been and where I've come. I am burdened with a negative self perception that I can't seem to shake regardless of how much I try to do the right thing. Compounded by extreme trust issues and feelings of abandonment due to friends over the years growing inexplicably more distant. I am almost 30. I have a solid job with a great path for development. I am sending myself back to school. My son is brilliant and pure and wonderful. I have so many things to be thankful for. My brain chemistry doesn't allow me to feel loved. My perception is so skewed that even with all of these great things I still feel as empty as I've ever been. It's not that I'm not trying and I feel that I'm losing more people because I don't know how to stop these feelings. It is awful and I'm sick of being a burden to the people I love. I don't want to lose anyone else because I'm not good enough. I want to be well. I set an appointment and now my only objective is to make it that far. I know I'm fucking trying and I just hope that my friends see that as well.

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Yup

xx

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Architects- Doomsday

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The Devil In My Bloodstream // The Wonder Years

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Dismatling Summer // The Wonder Years

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Popped up while I was scrolling through facebook. It gets me every time.

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Tell me I'm not as worthless as I feel I am. Tell me I matter. That my life has purpose and meaning. Lie to me, and tell me that all my actions have contributed to some greater meaning. Tell me that I will find love, strength, peace, happiness. Tell me that I have things left to look forward to. Give me your best shot, hit me where it hurts so I get to feel alive again. Knock the wind out of me so I know that there is air in my lungs. Because right now, in this year, this month, and this moment. I feel like I'm already gone.

I've never cared much for myself. I always needed others to convince me that I was worth it. I guess that's the problem with building homes in people when everyone you love is as unstable as you.

It's easy to give up but I've always been a fighter so I'm looking now for a reason to fight because I just don't feel that fire.

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You’d break your neck to keep your chin up.

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SLC Punk! (1998)

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