goingnoname-blog

[goingnoname-blog]

EGO

Just never knew if it was Ego or lack of Self-confidence. Turns out the two can easily be confused.

I have been told a million times by so many people that I tend to remain silent. Silent when in a social gathering, silent when in a phone call, silent when I was bullied for two straight years in school, silent when in the family there were arguments and I could have saved my parents a lot of pain only if I spoke, silent when I’m around my closest friends even. And the funny thing is that the same “people” then one day would come and say that we should never ever trust a person who doesn’t talk much. That this person will do anything to hurt you. That this person is silent only because he/she is planning something evil. I cannot say that that never hurt. I really hoped that because of the pain of getting judged for not speaking, either I would get used to it or maybe eventually it would teach me a lesson and I would overcome my Ego / Lack of self-confidence, but that too does not seem to be happening.

It’s not that I do not want to be social. I really do. But whenever I am in any conversation, there is no input to it from my side. I would be with my school friends or my hostel mates or even with the ones who I consider the closest, having a conversation, and the only thing I would do is nod and smile. Even if I have something to say, I would be scared to put forward my ideas. What if they do not agree, what if whatever I am about to tell is actually stupid and most importantly, what if because of me trying to be part of that conversation, say something the others do not like, and I end up killing the whole discussion itself? And so, I keep quiet.

Not just speaking. From the numerous judgments people pass I came to realize that I can never show my excitement or any kind of feeling to anything. In my mind, I may be really excited, but apparently, I do not show it out. Instead what I show people is how uninterested I am with what new has happened with their lives, how indifferent I am to the problems they are facing, how unexcited I am by their success stories and the list goes on. When the first person complained to me about this behavior I have, I thought he must be joking. But eventually, I started to see the picture as a third person. All the exciting things happening in my girlfriend’s life, whenever she shares it with me, I do not jump in joy as much as her friends might do. All the problems she faces, whenever she shares it with me, I do not show my concern for her as good as her friends do. All the jokes my friends tell, I do not laugh as hard as their other friends do. All the work problem my cousin shares, I do not respond to them as good as my younger brother does. But that is so not what is actually happening. I am excited at my girlfriend’s success, and I am unhappy when she is unhappy, I do like my friends’ jokes and do laugh at them as hard as I can, I am concerned for my cousin and her problems just as concerned as my younger brother is. But for the world, maybe I was never enough.

There were times when I too was approached by people trying to share their grief and issues and sometimes I really connected to what they had to say. I connected to them so well that I just wanted to tell them, “I know exactly how you feel. I have been feeling the same way for years” and hug them because that is what I would have wanted if ever I could share. But I never said that. What if what I was thinking was actually stupid? What if they don’t believe me when I tell them that I feel the same way and I have the same issues? What if when I speak, I would end up killing the whole conversation? So instead I would say the lamest things one would say. Things like, “That is how life works. It is not that bad. It will be over soon. Forget it” and try to make jokes. I was a total jerk. If the person in front of me have taken the pain to come to me to share, which is something that I have been failing to do for like forever, why could not I make a little more effort and say what I really wanted to say? No doubt, those people, my closest friends, my oldest friends and the one girl I loved the most have now found comfort in someplace else. I am just the one person in my group who knows but all the stupid things about one another. But the things which matter the most to someone, I lost the right to be the one to hear about them.

I knew this misinterpreted picture of me will get me in trouble someday and it has. I no longer know what is going one with the guy’s life recently whom once I called my best friend. I am no longer the go-to person for my girlfriend whenever she has something to share or is upset.

Maybe I could never show it to anyone but that hurts. That hurts a lot. Knowing that I am slowly being drifted away with everyone’s life with only me to blame for that, has started to kill me. Until just a few months earlier, I was able to handle myself and the pain of knowing all these. Maybe not in a healthy manner. It was just me, a pack of cigarettes and endless sleepless nights just dreaming to be a part of people’s lives again. I started to spend more time at my workplace because coming back to an empty room in a city where I did not know anyone and knowing the fact that I cannot talk to anyone as I have already scared all of them away by my disinterest, knowing that they all are now busy with the new comfort they have finally found, is hard. I know why people might think that I do not need anyone to share my stories with, why I am okay not needing to talk to anyone even though I am alone because that is exactly what I showed them. But it is not who I am. I too need people around me, comforting me, sharing stories about them to me. I have my family’s support like no one else has. I am the luckiest guy in that sense. But there are only a few things you can share with your mother or your father. Right? For everything else, you need a friend.

I am not as strong as people think I am. I too want someone near me. I want someone who can break my shell and be the one with whom I can open up without the fear of getting judged. I want to be a part of people’s life again.

I want to see that day when someone asks me how I am, and I can answer them with the truth. I want to answer them that I am lonely. I want to say to them that I am hurting. Not just “I am fine” and smile.