gods-why-do-i-do-this-to-myself

[gods-why-do-i-do-this-to-myself]

FUCKKKKK

I'm so fucking done. With everything.

I've been sick since December, fucking December, I have been sick for almost 7 straight months. I've been dealing with joint issues since march 2022, joint pain and joint instability, I went to cross my legs the other day and my hip pooped out of place, i was talking with my hands and my thumb dislocated. I can't tell my mother though because she'll just tell me I'm over dramatic.

I lost interest in this book i have to read for my English class just over half way through the book. Now i have to finish it by Tuesday, and make and memorize an 8-10 minute presentation by Tuesday as well.

I'm pretty sure I just lost another friend, maybe even my whole friend group. Most of my friend group that's my age has been hanging around this kid, Maxx who spread a massive rumor about me in 8th grade that really fucked me over and got me ostracized my majority of my grade I graduated grade 8 with 4 friends when i started it with being friends with almost the whole class because of this. Anyways my friend Lucas, is one of the kids my age from my friend group hanging out with Maxx, and Friday at this big school event he repeatedly threw this soaking wet disgusting towel at me and on my head and face. I asked him to stop politely multiple times. He didn't he just kept doing it. I snapped at him and yelled "LUCAS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU I ASKED YOU TO STOP SEVERAL FUCKING TIMES AND YOU DIDN'T SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" and he just responded by laughing at me and going "Don't swear in my christian minecraft server" and Maxx and my whole "friend group" just laughed at my out burst finding it hilarious. Like I had already been having a bad day, i was tired, soaking wet because it had been raining, scared I was going to be yelled at because my charging block got left in what turned into a puddle and no longer turned on, I was achy and sicker feeling because of the rain and the fact it went fro 20 degrees to so cold i could see my breath in an hour. My friend and two teachers asked if i was okay because i looked ill. I was pale and shaky and looked so out of it. Of course i has an outburst about having something wet and gross repeatedly thrown at me.

And on top of that my mental health has gone to shit and yet again i cant tell my mum cause last time i did i got 6 sessions with a mental health professional and even tough i wanted to continue she told me just to use the schools guidance counselor from now on. I've has several episodes of what i can only describe as massive "I'm on top of the world" high periods that become massive suicidal and depressive low episodes and i cant even ask my parents for mental health help.

[gods-why-do-i-do-this-to-myself]

I'm kinda fucked

"Dysphoria's a bitch i wanna kick her in a ditch"

legit so real, today's is so bad that I've hit two of the three cardinal sins of wearing a binder. Like I put this thing on at 6:30 am , it is now 5:26, Also had practice today which honestly kicked my ass.

[gods-why-do-i-do-this-to-myself]

fly high cousin

i send all my best to some of my family who lost a son and brother today.

if i could take their pain i would in a heart beat.

i send my condolances

[gods-why-do-i-do-this-to-myself]

My friends

What am i without my friends i am nothing. if i have my friends i have nothing. they have built me up from the bottom and helped me be sky high. i can not leave them even if this one is worse than the last. i can not lose another friend. i cant lose one because they do not have enough trust in me to tell me they feel uncomforatable with something ive done. i can not lose another one because someone spread a rumor about me and it spread way to fast. i cant lose another friend because they are so toxic its makinng me a worse person.without my friends i am nothing. without my friends what is stopping mefrom hitting rock bottom and digging my self deeper.

I can lose some friends and be fine i think but i cant lose him. I can not lose my boyfriend. he has built me up the lowest point i have ever been at. he is the only think that holds me up while the rest of the world trys to drag me down.

without him i would land in the pits of taturaus and still fall farther down.

for what am i without my Percy Jackson who will save me when i fall in to the depths of taturus, who will drink from The Phlegethon with me to survive. What am i without my Magnus Chase who will fight the end of the world to help save me. what am i without my Alex Fierro, to garot me all the while as saving my ass. what am i without my Hazel Levesque who tells me i am more than enough on the daily. what am i without my Leo Valdez who makes me laugh and smile as much as posible? for he is all those and more.

I cant lose my friends but i can not lose my boyfriend

[gods-why-do-i-do-this-to-myself]

Fucking why?

I am so fucking done with every thing. I'm so tired of being the therapist friend, like I'm glad I can help others but at the same time I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not allowed to share my feelings because "no I deserve the attention I'm doing worse than you" because that's always what my ex friend told me and I'm scared to open up to people even my boyfriend now.

And like I'm always in pain and I'm always sick right now. And for the last month I have been constantly on the verge of tears and i am so fucking done