godmakemethinnerr

[godmakemethinnerr]

ion see enough black women on my tl

[godmakemethinnerr]

so.. yeah, it's been a while

i've been well ngl, but maybe too well

i told my mum, and she didn't take it well, as i knew she would. she took it kind of personally ( which i already knew she would ) cuz she kinda felt that it was her fault because of all the diets she's been through and tried to get me into. which clearly isn't the cause

the thing is she also felt really really bad because for the most part it happened when i was living w her and she didn't notice, which obviously isn't her fault, as i didn't want to worry her but well, we kind of got over it, but she still worries that i eat enough and don't purge bc in her eyes i'm still very skinny (she has always had a distorted vision of herself bc of dieting since she was basically 7, so she was constantly jokingly saying how envious she was of how thin i was and how jealous she would have been of me) even though i keep gaining weight.

i know i technically am at my perfect weight but i still hate how every day i see how much i've let myself go. i see rolls of fat where i once saw my hipbones, my stomach isn't completely flat anymore, i can feel my legs rubbing each other when i walk (which i absolutely hate with all my soul) and i see my arm fat flapping around.

i just don't have any motivation. i don't have any motivation to get out of the house anymore. i would go on a run, but my phone won't keep track of the path i took so what's the point if i don't know how much i ran and how many kcals i burned, i can't workout at home bc my brothers are at home and will act like it's a big deal and mock me when i try (not in a bad way but it still doesn't help that it makes me feel bad) as well as the fact that i'm so out of shape that i'll just give up mid workout bc i can't make it to the end. i don't go on walks anymore bc i have so much homework to do that when i finish it's already late and dark and it's not safe. and i don't go biking for the same reason.

and because my brothers are home they keep making enormous portions of food (they need to eat a lot since one of them is a gym freak and plays w the local rugby team every week so he needs the kcals, and the other one is very active as well) and bc they know of how i was they insist on making me eat appropriate sized meals.

idk, i've been just so unmotivated to do anything lately, i'm literally one semester behind on two courses and basically drowning in unopened assignments. and to top it off my father keeps bugging me to leave my phone and do something, when i barely have any strength to even go to class.

i'm just so tired. i just want to starve myself again so that i can feel in control of something for once. but i can't even do that right.

[godmakemethinnerr]

pls don't repost, some body checks from having lost around 4kg after quarantine ended

i've been talking about my esto some of my friends and i'm so grateful to know how much support i can find in them

but i still haven't told my mum and i don't think i will

also since quarantine ended in my city i've been going out and hanging out with friends which allowed me to skip meals and get wasted hehe

[godmakemethinnerr]

so I decided to tell my family abt my ed. not my mum tho.

I told my dad and my oldest brother about 6 months ago and it went well, except for my dad kind of forgetting about it but he's old so I know its not his fault. 

The thing is that, since I gained weight in quarantine and fell back into it for a bit, I have been feeling pretty awful and guilty, and I don't really like to be hiding things from my dad. So I talked about it with him once again. And also I told my group of best friends, because I had been wanting to tell them for some time now. And I loved how they told me they supported me completely and I could count on them from now on. Telling me that they were proud of me for finally telling them and having confronted my fear. 

Well, the thing is, since I told my father, we also talked about one of my brother’s best friends who went through this a couple years ago, that has studied psychology to help other girls that went through the same. 

So my dad decided to tell her about my bulimia and tell me later. so she messaged me asking if I was okay with meeting with her to talk about it. 

at first I was very scared, and didn't want to tell her anything, but im gonna meet with her on Friday and see how it goes. 

I still am super afraid of having anyone else knowing about it, but I really want to get over this and this might finally be the opportunity to do so. and I feel like she might be really be able to help me and understand me. 

but im still not telling my mum because im afraid of her reaction and what she would do about it.

[godmakemethinnerr]

day 4: okay so this is actually a big one

one of my biggest fears is finally admitting that I am sick. the thing is I always constantly feel like I'm faking this shit, when I know deep down I'd be a fucking idiot to be faking it. but like I've never seemed help because of pure fear.

Also, I am very very very afraid of my family’s reaction to me losing weight. my mom has been dieting and exercising her whole life because she’s been feeling fat since she was basically 12 yo. and since I started losing a tiny bit of weight she's constantly been in my back telling me that I'm too skinny (which I hope I was but god no) and cursing on me for reaching the goals that she couldn’t because she’s never really stuck to it. but like I'm happy that she's not suffering from it because its really not good.

I never told her about me being kinda bulimic and I really would hope she wouldn't know because I know for a fact that she's only gonna make the situation worse. I know she would start over feeding, because she already does when I go by her house. and if she knew I purge she wouldn’t leave my side at any moment, and I wouldn't be able to stand it.

I’ve been doing it behind her back for a year and she almost noticed a couple of times but I played it off as me being sick or such. and now that I don't live with her anymore I really don't want to worry her more as she already worries about me not eating enough

I found this post while looking for thinspo so I thought I might do it

day 1: i’m 18, weight is somewhere around 54-53, measurements are 86cm around the legs, 66cm waist. also gw around 47kg

[godmakemethinnerr]

bodycheck from a couple of days ago

not super thin but kinda okay?

still 4 kg to lose so that ill go back to my weight b4 quarantine but oh well

[godmakemethinnerr]

thank god i went biking yesterday

i went 800 kcal over my limit but then i did about 20 km in my bike

so there’s that

[godmakemethinnerr]

also, quarantine update:

not purging since a couple of days, but i’m constantly controlling what I eat and i’m kinda eating normally, but just enough not to be sick and not to worry my father

another thing i do is I try to ride my bike everyday for at least 10-15 km which burns around 300-600 kcal

basically i eat around 900-1100 kcal a day and burn around 400kcal a day and for now i lost 1kg so all’s good

[godmakemethinnerr]

day 3: i don’t have pictures of thinspo in my phone but basically any girl with a thin physique and a flat tummy keeps me going tbh

I found this post while looking for thinspo so I thought I might do it

day 1: i’m 18, weight is somewhere around 54-53, measurements are 86cm around the legs, 66cm waist. also gw around 47kg

[godmakemethinnerr]

[godmakemethinnerr]

day 2: I’m 160cm and I dont really care abt my height tbh

I found this post while looking for thinspo so I thought I might do it

day 1: i’m 18, weight is somewhere around 54-53, measurements are 86cm around the legs, 66cm waist. also gw around 47kg

[godmakemethinnerr]

X not mine X

[godmakemethinnerr]

I found this post while looking for thinspo so I thought I might do it

day 1: i’m 18, weight is somewhere around 54-53, measurements are 86cm around the legs, 66cm waist. also gw around 47kg

[godmakemethinnerr]

I thought I had finally overcome this...

I really thought I had won this shit, it had been months since the last time I cared about my weight, about my measurements, and all that shit.

But quarantine has really messed me up.

first 2-3 weeks I was doing fine man, real good, I was talking with friends, having fine, sleeping late, eating whatever... but then I noticed the weight gain.

In just two weeks I had gained over 4 kilos. In just 2 weeks.

I was devastated. but I couldn’t do anything.

I’ve never been a person that would workout for more than 2 weeks because I always give up. So I got back to my binge-purge cycle. It’s terrible. I hate it. But it’s come to a point where it just happens naturally.

After I eat, if I know I ate more than I should have, my mind makes me feel sick, and I have to make myself vomit, or I won’t feel good.

I HATE THIS.

To try and stop it I’ve started riding my bike around, for two days in a row I’ve done 15km, burning around 550-600 kcal in each ride. I was so proud of myself.

But today, I couldn’t go out because of a project for one of my finals I hadn’t finished, and I know I ate a lot, so unconsciously, I made myself vomit right after I sent the project.

This fucking shit is going to kill me. And I can’t do anything except feeling fucking sorry for my self, because I'm fat and still won't do anything about it.

So for anyone who just came here for fun or is in time to go back to normal, please believe this shit, is nowhere near as useful as you might think. It’s fucking horrible to live with this. Because once you fall in this trap, there is no coming back, there is no way to escape this sickness.

[godmakemethinnerr]

April.

[godmakemethinnerr]

[godmakemethinnerr]