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An Easter Story

It was exciting to be living in a city like Jerusalem in the year 33. Being Gentiles and citizens of Rome, we enjoyed certain privileges under the umbrella of the Empire. We were grateful to Tiberius Caesar Augustus, God’s representative on earth, to Pontius Pilate, the fifth Prefect of the Roman province of Judea who ensured peace and tranquility with the help of the Roman soldiers and, most of all, to God Himself - Jupiter - who answered our prayers, protected us from evil spirits and vanquished our mortal enemies.

There were no temples in the land of the Hebrews dedicated to the worship of our God so every Monday night eight of us, all men, gathered at a common meeting place to reinforce our belief in the one, true God and to study His teachings about the road to salvation.

We worshipped Jupiter as the God of the Sky and the creator of Light. He sent rain in times of draught. He was the great, protecting Deity of the Nation, our very special Nation, under God. He was assisted in his deistic endeavors by two of his co-Gods, Minerva and Juno. We referred to them as the Trinity, even calling them blessed.

We had no doubt that Jupiter was the True God. We prayed to Him daily, especially in times of personal crisis and He answered our prayers in our favor about half the time. When our prayers weren’t answered, well, who knows the mind of God? What was important was that Jupiter had a plan for us. All that was required was that we had faith in Him.

One Monday, just before our evening religious book study, Marcus, one of our youngest members, told us a most amazing story. He had spent the afternoon buying fruits and vegetables in the marketplace where he met a Jew who had been one of the followers of a Rabbi they called Jesus.

“You guys remember Jesus, don’t you, the one who was crucified a short time ago?”

“Sure do,” Orgetorix replied. “Some of us were there. It was one of the most gruesome spectacles we’ve ever seen.”

“Well, this Jew told me that Jesus has risen from the dead! He’s alive! But he cautioned me not to tell anyone yet. He said that was Jesus’ explicit instructions.”

“Jesus is alive? How does he know that?”

“He told me that he actually saw him, spoke with him, and that he and his followers even shared a meal with him.”

“If this is true, it changes everything. It would be proof that Jesus was the Messiah, maybe even God itself!”

“Let’s go and find out for ourselves. Where are these followers staying?”

“They rented a small apartment in North Jerusalem. Let’s forget about our studies tonight and pay them a visit.”

The eight of us raced for our donkeys, hopped aboard, and made our way to the outskirts of the Old City. Arriving at apartment 12 we knocked on the door and were greeted by a middle-aged man dressed ion the traditional garb of a Bedouin tribesman, the kind who were often seen in the population centers throughout Judea.

“Yes?” he inquired cautiously.

“Excuse us,” I replied, “the eight of us are Roman Gentiles. We have heard a rumor that your Jesus, the one who was recently crucified, has, well, has .... risen from the dead. We understand that you have actually seen and talked with him. We were hoping you could tell us about what happened and perhaps introduce us to your Jesus.”

“Certainly, we would be happy to but you must promise not to tell anyone else. The Master made that very clear. By the way, my name is Simon Peter. Let me introduce you to Jesus’ disciples.” He mentioned each of their names although I can only remember a few of them. There was James, Bartholomew, the Zebedee brothers, Thomas Didymas. There were also a few women there, too. Mary Magdalene, Mary, mother of James, Salome, a few who came down from Galilee to follow Jesus when he entered the city. It was Mary Magdalene who spoke first.

“I was the first one who came to the tomb. It was still dark when I approached. I was alone and ...” Magdalene was interrupted by Mary, the mother of James. “No, Mary, that’s not right. It was already daylight when you and I - the two of us - went to the tomb and ...” A third woman, whom everyone referred to as “the other Mary,” interrupted Mary, the mother of James, who had previously interrupted Mary Magdalene. 

“You’re both wrong. There were three of us, me, Mary Magdalen and Salome. We went down together” Salome sat nearby nodding her head in agreement. Suddenly, two more women interjected, their names not mentioned but, hopefully, having monikers other than Mary. “That’s not what happened at all. We women who were with Jesus in Galilee came down as a group to anoint the body. You three Marys weren’t even there!” Like a gaggle of geese, the women hurled verbal barbs at each other, challenging the veracity of what each of them said. Peter pounded on the table, imploring them to civility.

“Ladies, please. Simply describe what happened next so that our visitors can have faith in the truth of what we say.”

After a pause, Mary Magdalene again took up the narrative. “As I was saying, when I arrived at the sepulcher, I saw that the stone was already rolled away. I was frightened and ran to tell Simon Peter and John that someone had taken the Lord’s body out of the tomb.” Simon Peter and John exchanged glances but offered no sign that they agreed with Magdalene’s story.”So, Simon Peter, John and I ran to the tomb with John getting there just ahead of us. John went inside the tomb but only saw the linen clothes lying there. When Simon Peter and I arrived, Simon joined John inside the tomb. Seeing the clothes but no body, they left, telling me that they were going home. But I stayed, by myself, afraid and heartbroken. I stooped down, looked in the sepulcher and - Lo! - I saw two angels in white, sitting, one at the head and the other at the feet where the body of Jesus had lain.”

“Weren’t there Roman soldiers guarding the tomb?”

“I didn’t see any.”

“Of course she didn’t see any guards because that’s not what happened,” Mary the mother of James insisted. “As Magdalene and I approached the tomb there was a great earthquake and an angel descended from heaven and rolled back the stone from in front of the door right in front of our eyes! The angel was as white as snow and the guards were so afraid that they began to shake and became as dead men. The angel told us to go quickly to tell the disciples. Mary Magdalene probably doesn’t remember this because she was scared out of her wits!”

“I was not,” Magdalene retorted. “You sure were.” 

Before Mary Magdalene could accuse the “other Mary” of being delusional herself, some of the women who had come down from Galilee joined the fray.

“Listen, this is the truth. When we arrived the stone was already rolled away. We went inside and there was a young man sitting on the right side in a long, white garment. He told us to tell the disciples that Jesus would meet them somewhere in Galilee but we were so afraid we told no one anything. Right, girls?”

“No, not exactly,” some of the other women replied. “The stone was rolled away when we got there but when we went inside there were two men inside in shining garments.”

“No, there was only one.”

“Two.”

“One.”

“Two.”

“What about the earthquake.” we asked?

“I didn’t feel anything. Any of you girls?” None of them did.

“Stop!” Peter’s voice echoed through the open window onto the dusty streets of Jerusalem. Hoping to avoid additional confrontations. I asked a question that seemed to be obvious but in need of a clear answer. “I take it, then, that no one actually saw Jesus rise from the dead and walk out of the tomb?”

“No, none of us did, but we did talk to hime later. Would you like to hear about it?” “Please,” we all said in unison.

The rest of the evening was spent in heated disputations about the events following the resurrection. How many appearances did the dead-but-now-living Jesus make, when, where, who was present, what was said. There was no agreement on any detail. Sadness settled over our group as our hope of learning the truth about a living God faded amidst the contradictions of those who claimed to see what others could not believe. It was left to Marcus to ask the most important question.

“Listen, it’s possible that because of the excitement surrounding this incredible story that you may have become confused about the details. What is important to us is that, in fact, he is alive. So, please tell us, where is he now so that we, too, may see him and speak to him and, in so doing, believe in him as you do.” A softly dripping water spout was the only sound that broke the silence. Eventually, Peter answered.

“He is not here ... right now.”

“So, where is he? Did he return to Nazareth, or perhaps to Galilee? Was he riding on a jackass or a camel or even walking? We have fast animals in our stables, we can ride swiftly, urgently. Just tell us in which direction he went.” The disciples exchanged furtive glances. It was left to Peter to explain.

“On the very day he rose from the dead he appeared to us in this room. Right, fellows?” Ten heads nodded on cue. “We thought it was a spirit but he said ‘touch me and see.’ A spirit doesn’t have flesh and bones. We served him a piece of broiled fish to eat and after he had finished we walked with him as far as Bethany. When we got to Bethany he blessed us and left.”

“That is what we want to know,” Linus interjected. “Where did he go? Where is he?” Peter looked at the eight of us for a moment, sighed, and gave his answer. “Well.” he began. “He was standing among us when - suddenly - he began to rise above the ground, floating in the air. Slowly at first but with increasing speed. He flew higher and higher. We watched him until he disappeared into a white cloud right above our heads. That was the last time we saw him.” Again the room went silent as we imagined the unbelievable scene that had just been described to us. After what seemed like an eternity, one of the disciples raised his voice.

“Peter, if I might, that’s not exactly what happened.” Simon Peter whirled around, glaring at one of the brethren, one who dared contradict the newly appointed leader. “First of all, it was not the same day as the resurrection. It was forty days later. And it wasn’t at Bethany but on Mt. Olivet.”

“Not true,” Bartholomew chimed in. “It was eight days after the resurrection, not forty, and it happened right here in this room. Remember, guys? It was meal time. After we ate, the Lord was received right up.”

“Received right up?” Linus asked. “You mean, right here, through the walls of this room?”

“Right through the roof!” Bartholomew replied.

Where once there was dead silence there now was turmoil, only it was the men who were disputing each other. We watched in disbelief until, with a nod of Linus’ head, we all got up to leave. We thanked Peter and the others for their gracious hospitality but before we reached the door Peter added a parting word.

“There’s one more thing, some good news.” We all turned toward him, hoping to hear something that would give us a reason to believe. “Before he left, he said to us: “Verily, I say unto you, there are some standing here who shall not taste of death until you see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.”

“Wow, that sounds like he will be back very soon.”

“It is such a short time,” Peter replied, “that he told us that we, his disciples, shall not have gone over the cities of Israel till he returns.”

“Thanks again, Peter, peace be to you.”

“And to you,” he answered, closing the door behind him. As we mounted our donkeys, heading for home, one of us (I think it Flavious Maximus), said what we all were thinking. “You know, fellows, it sounds to me like they made this whole thing up.”

I am now an old man. Of the eight of us who visited the leaders of the Jewish cult that Monday so long ago, I am the only one still alive. Marcus, the last to die, did not readily dismiss the resurrection claims of the followers of Jesus. He was a skeptic, to be sure, but he wanted to give the story every opportunity to be proven true, just in case. Unknown to any of us, he had kept a diary, written on papyrus and bound with cloth at the seams. On the day of his funeral his widow presented it to me. After the service I went home, settled myself by the warm hearth in the kitchen, and opened the tattered pages. Glancing through it I turned to the last page. He had written the names of the eleven disciples and beside each he had placed an “X” and a date when he had learned of the death of each of the followers of Jesus. I counted them again. There were eleven X’s. Beneath the last name Marcus wrote: “All of the disciples are dead and Jesus has not returned.”

I closed the diary, pored myself a cup of wine, and gave thanks, for I had remained faithful to Jupiter, my Lord and Savior, the one, true God.

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Sorry Ladies, Your Anatomy Is A Disqualifying Characteristic

Several women have contacted me with requests to ask God about the recent pronouncement by Pope Francis declaring that the doors to the priesthood will never be open to females. During his recent visit to Sweden the Pope was confronted by a female Swedish reporter who asked him about it. “St. Pope John Paul II had the last clear word on this and it stands, this stands,” Francis said. “But forever, forever?” the reporter asked. “Never, never?” Pope Francis slightly hedged his bet with his answer: “If we read carefully the declaration by St. Pope John Paul II, it is going in that direction.” The irony that he was invited to Sweden at the behest of the head of the Swedish Lutheran Church who happened to be a woman was apparently lost on the good Pontiff.

I must admit that I was quite hesitant to ask God about women priests in His own One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic church since it is the one true church and the only gateway to heaven. After all, the Pope is the Vicar of Christ on Earth. I haver did figure out what a “vicar” was so I looked it up: “one serving as a substitute; an ecclesiastical agent.” So, the Pope is Christ’s agent. What business do I have asking God about a policy established by the Second Person of the Blessed Trinity’s own agent in his own church? Sounded dangerous to me. I did it anyway.

It took God several weeks to give me a reply which is understandable since the “holy season” was upon us and the Trinity was quite busy answering prayers, turning bread wafers into Jesus’ body and blood, forgiving sins and performing miscellaneous miracles as circumstances required. But here is God’s answer:

“I must say that I have been disappointed in my Vicars’ attitude about female priests, especially John Paul II. I was reluctant to grant him sainthood in the first place because one of the two required miracles was suspect but I went along with it anyway. He’s here with me now in heaven and we have had many conversations about it. I don’t want to publicly reprimand him for his 1994 encyclical about female priests but I suggest that you read it very carefully. My teaching will reveal itself. Pretend it’s like a parable.” The Voice of God went silent.

When God speaks, I listen! I found the May 22, 1994 pronouncement by St. Pope John Paul II and carefully read it. The saintly Pope declared that he wrote the tome so “that all doubt may be removed regarding a matter of great importance.” He reminded the faithful that after a night of prayer Jesus chose twelve men from his many followers both male and female and that the Apostles themselves were careful to pick their successors and they were all men! So there!! Jumping ahead to the conclusion (thus sparing the patient reader from further Papal sophistry), the Good Father declared “that the Church has no authority whatsoever to confer priestly ordination on women and that this judgment is to be definitively held by all the Church’s faithful.”

After reading this encyclical I was puzzling over God’s suggestion to carefully examine the document and discover His true teaching on the subject. Eureka! There it was! St. Pope John Paul II’s encyclical was not issued ex cathedra and therefore was not infallible! It was issued under the “ordinary magisterium” and not the “extraordinary papal magisterium.” In other words, it was NOT divinely inspired!

So, ladies, if you still aspire to be a fully human being within the umbrella of the One, True Church, there is still hope. Maybe not in your lifetime, or your daughter’s, or your granddaughter’s, but maybe some day. Imagine being able to spread the Good News from the pulpit and distribute the bread wafers without regard to one’s genitalia. The Lord be blessed!

Glad I could be of help. If you want me to contact God about any subject drop me a line at BibleAce@aol.com.

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God Explains Trump

Please understand, this is not an ordinary, everyday blog. As explained in the first chapter of volume 1 of my book, You Godda Be Kiddin’ Me, I have a special pipeline to the Divine. I ask them questions, they usually respond. I use the plural pronouns “they” and “them” because, as every good Christian knows, they are three separate persons although only one God. I have a personal relationship with each one of them but I must confess that the Holy Ghost is my favorite. Jesus and the Father get lots of attention and millions of prayers every day but no one seems to pray to the Holy Ghost. I actually feel sorry for the bird. He just flaps around heaven cooing and cawing, waiting for something important to do. But the Ghost is a cool God, very kind, very loving. I recommend that you pray to it - sincerely - and welcome it into your heart as your own personal savior. You won’t regret it. Honest!

But I digress. So many people have been praying to the Trinity regarding President-elect Donald Trump, some asking for deliverance from the perceived evil while others offering prayers of thanks for bringing us the modern Messiah. I decided to use my special powers and ask God directly how we should deal with him. Their answer arrived today. 

“Look to my sacred writings,” they told me. “Pray with an open mind and guileless heart and I will tell you what I think.” The voice faded but the Bible opened in front of me, the pages flipping by themselves until finally landing on 2 Thessalonians. Highlighted with a yellow stain was Verse 4 which describes the Man of Lawlessness: “He will oppose and exalt himself over everything that is called God or is worshipped, so that he sets himself up in God’s temple, proclaiming himself to be God.” Could it be? Is God telling us that Trump is the Man of Lawlessness, even the antichrist? Verse 9 was also highlighted: “The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with the work of Satan displayed in all kinds of counterfeit miracles and in every sort of evil that deceives those who are perishing.” It was hard to believe. Surely God wasn’t branding the next President of the United States as this devilish character describes by Paul two thousand years ago. I wanted more proof. Suddenly Sacred Scriptures began flipping again, stopping at Acts 20. Verse 30 was highlighted: “Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them.” No! This can’t be Trump! Except for a few pussy-gropes here and there he is the voice of reason, a champion of tolerance and fair play, a man we can all admire and point to as a symbol of what is right about America. 

The Bible began flipping yet again, stopping once again at 2 Thessalonians.  This time Verse 11 was highlighted in yellow with hand-drawn stars on either side of it: “For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie.” 

My pipeline closed. The Trinity had other things to do. Who could blame them with all of the emergency prayer orders that had to be filled. I was left with the Bible quotes that I shared with you and the implication that Donald Trump might be the Man of Lawlessness. 

Remember that I am only God’s messenger. They will reveal what they will reveal to me and withhold what they will withhold. But I am in touch with them every few days and can ask just about anything. So if you have any questions of the Almighty on any subject, drop me a line. No promises but I’ll do my best to put it on God’s agenda and entreat them to respond. Faithfully yours.