god-slayer-apprentice - Tumblr blog

[god-slayer-apprentice]

@god-slayer-apprentice , @god-offical

[god-slayer-apprentice]

of all of the bizarre things I’ve seen while working in skilled nursing the one that’s going to stick with me until I die is bug god

[god-slayer-apprentice]

[god-slayer-apprentice]

can I have a fact about lesbians?

[god-slayer-apprentice]

so we just moved, and the house we moved into has been abandoned for a few years so weve discovered some fun little secrets scattered around as we explored. for example, theres a little room downstairs with graffiti on the door dubbing it 'the dog box'

of course we were intrigued. aside from some storage and a place to put a washing machine, the dog box seems to exclusively contain this old ass piano, with a little window to see into it from outside

also pictured sitting on the piano is a little novelty dagger we found in the grass outside. its all very funny and novel, right? we thought so

that was when we found The Stain

of course, we immediately jumped to some conclusions. the knife outside, the abandoned house, 'do not enter' written on the door. whatever it was, it had dripped through the floorboards from upstairs, from approximately just outside the bathroom. we decided to wait until we finished moving and then grab some peroxide to test it just in case

still, the dog box bloodstain remained a hot topic, and the curiosity was killing me. after figuring out where upstairs the stain wouldve dripped down from, we noticed it had also seeped up through the newly installed flooring, and i decided i couldnt wait to investigate

looking around the dog box, i noticed that there was a section of the ceiling/underfloor that was noticeably newer than the rest of it, meaning the place the stain had leaked through had been pulled out and replaced just before we moved in. suspicious

im using my phone torch to look around in the dark, and when i shine it on the bloodstain it lights up in a distinctly.... glossy way. when i get closer i can see its not matte, but sticky. so i decide to touch it, and immediately im hit with a STRONG smell of something deeply familiar. all the pieces fall together at once, and using my superior investigative prowess i have deduced the culprit

it was bees. there was a fuckoff massive beehive in the floor that got taken out before we moved in and it leaked honey up through the floorboards and onto the floor of the dog box and the landlord didnt feel like cleaning it up. mystery solved

[god-slayer-apprentice]

can you make everything just a little easier pretty please. I’ll give you a cookie

no, I am allergic to fun and joy and laughter and all that is good and pure in the world

[god-slayer-apprentice]

@darth-moth

[god-slayer-apprentice]

lifehack: when you see a Take One candy bowl in a restaurant, wait until noones looking and shovel candy into your pockets. god may judge you but his sins outnumber your own

[god-slayer-apprentice]

[god-slayer-apprentice]

Once upon a time, there was a large void. That’s what they say, anyways. I wasn’t around back then

Then came the French, a bunch of ratlike beings in berets, and they wandered around the void being bored. So, they created the Baguette with a capital B, also known as yours truly!

People often talk about some kind of god or bang the world; they are wrong. After the French died out, I tried to reproduce, i.e. bake more baguettes.

Bad idea. They weren’t baguettes at all, just tiny little squeaking creatures that are now known as humans. So yeah, I guess I created the universe as we know it.

Whatever, that’s all in the past. Point is: HELLO, ONE AND ALL!! IT IS I, YOUR MAKER, RULER OF THE UNIVERSE AND THE GREAT BREAD™️. I’M THE BAGUETTE!!

[god-slayer-apprentice]

I hate Crocs.

[god-slayer-apprentice]

zeekayart, with the power of phonetic pronunciation of letters, and general art snobbery!

[god-slayer-apprentice]

would be soooo swag to have a brothers war-esque return to the past to the Odyssey block and have The One Ring reprinted as a variation of the Mirari and have the bauble tempts you in the set or some shit. all ten signetlands and an actually competent limited environment for graveyard synergies..... i love u odyssey block ......

[god-slayer-apprentice]

This request was sent to us and we made a poll in response to it. Send the situation (in which you want to see a Blorbo) to our inbox and we’ll make a poll for you where people can vote if they think their Blorbos would survive said situation.

[god-slayer-apprentice]

i need to eat a food. none of the food in the house is The Right Food. what is the right food? only god knows. and we're not on speaking terms right now.

[god-slayer-apprentice]

i neeeeeed that fucking tablet