gobblegloop

[gobblegloop]

Travel

Amy,

“The more often you do the more experienced you'll be and also you'll start expecting less from people.

The margin of disappointment will gradually fade away…. “

He is wise. He has patience. I tried to block him but I couldn’t. I’m scared. Scared that he might actually be what I need to feel safe. I told him all of my fears and struggles and he still wants to even be a listener as a I heal. Heal from the grief of the person who abandoned me. The one I thought wouldn’t. The one I thought would be a safe space for me but instead caused chaos. I’m addicted to chaos. It’s a familiar friend. But that’s not how life has to be. Life can be calm and I can experience peace. I can heal.

“Probably no one you met has ever lifted you or been an inspiration” not all true. But I tend to inspire others more so than the other way around. I’ve outgrown this pond.

He’s right I will meet ppl that will change my life just by a quick conversation and then leave. The purpose of life is to be closer to god. I tried to write my own destiny and failed. I have to learn to go with the flow and talk to god more.i did then I stopped. I was lost for a bit. I wanted this to workout but hey if it’s meant to be then it will be.

I refuse to go back to how things were. I never want to experience that bad ever again. Only the good. Ive and we’ve been through enough bad. I wish we could have tried to be together when we’re actually in a good place and have healed. Had I known what I know sooner, we could have been still together. But he tainted me. My ability to trust is tainted. he could have just told me how he felt. I would have been sad but I would have had patience with him and our relationship. Because I loved him with all my heart. He was the one I chose. Chose to spend time with giving him unconditional love. I wanted to do so much with him. But he didn’t feel worthy of love. He self sabotage what could have been.

A man who doesn’t even love himself or have a relationship with god cannot love anyone. He needs to heal on his own. He has to do the work. To learn how to love himself and to never get lost in someone like that ever again. I’m sad that I wasn’t a safe place for him. I regret that. I know better now. Two broken people cannot heal each other. We just can’t.

I need to heal from doubt and fear and addiction to chaos. Chaos is my friend I feel like I’m going through withdrawal symptoms. I cry and I cry a lot, and then I don’t cry and then I’m hopeful and then I cry. I hope he’s crying so he can heal. He has to be comfortable with his feelings and not ashamed of who he is. We are human and we make mistakes. But we need to learn from those mistakes or else history will repeat itself over and over again until something detrimental occurs. The first time I saw him cry was when he showed me the wedding ring. I think he realized then and there what he truly did.

A man for me will not be so easily taken from me. A man for me will fight to have me in his life. He will do everything humanly possible to keep me around because he knows I’m worth it. God damnit I know I’m worth it. I will never go back to a life of chaos. I want peace I deserve unconditional love I deserve support and I deserve to love and be loved by the right person whom god wants me to be with. Whomever that may be. Wherever he may be. He will find me and know I am the one for him and he will be gentle and patient with me. He knows I’m the one for him. He is obsessed with me. Just by being me. And he’s secure in himself. He knows that he’s worthy of love too. He knows what he wants. He isn’t confused. He is a man who has a relationship with god. He will tell me about how he talks to god. God is his friend. Mine too. Love you God. I know better is on the horizon I have to do the work god, I know. I know.

[gobblegloop]

I deserve someone who chooses me everyday. When I’m mad, sad, happy, excited silly, all of it. He chooses me and nurtures me. He doesn’t take me for granted. He sees and values me. One look and I don’t feel alone. I feel comfortable and complete. I feel inspired and passionate. I feel like I can accomplish anything with him by my side. He doesn’t take from me. He reassures me with his actions and not his words. When he says he’s going to do something, he does it. I don’t need to remind him. He wholeheartedly wants to be a husband and father. He isn’t scared because he has a relationship with God. He’s spiritual. Hes ambitious and does what needs to get done. He’s organized. I trust him. I trust him wholeheartedly. I feel safe. I feel loved everyday.

[gobblegloop]

Piercing Betrayal

I once cherished and loved someone with all my heart, but their deceitful actions shattered my trust and left me feeling lost and devastated. Their infidelity carved a gaping wound, leaving me to grapple with the shards of shattered dreams and unfulfilled promises.

The memories of our tender moments now serve as a bittersweet reminder of what could have been, had they not chosen to exploit my vulnerability.

The thought of food now leaves a bitter taste, as the love I thought would nourish me forever has poisoned my soul. Even the simplest pleasures, like sharing a meal, have been tainted by the lies and deception. My stomach churns with anxiety, and my appetite has vanished, a constant reminder of the heartache that consumes me.

If only he had shared his emotions and worked towards financial success with me, we could have built a life together, free from secrets and lies.

Maybe I could have been better at creating a safe space for him to share his fears and doubts, and together we could have faced the challenges that drove him to infidelity.

But instead, his betrayal has left me with a hunger that cannot be satiated, a longing for the love and trust that we once shared. I'm left to wonder what could have been, had we only communicated and worked together to build a foundation of trust and understanding.

[gobblegloop]

Unwritten

Ah, my heart goes out to you, dear one, For the weights you've had to bear, so young. Loss and pain have left their mark, But in your strength, a light will spark.

With parents gone, a void so wide, And a brother's cruelty, a heavy stride. A love lost, too, has left its ache, But know that time will help the heart unbreak.

Now, as you embark on a journey within, To heal and grow, let self-love spin. Take time to breathe, to learn, to mend, And let your spirit, like a sunrise, ascend.

You are strong, though the road's been long, And though shadows fell, your light's not gone. In every step forward, you claim your space, And rise above the shadows' dark embrace.

Remember, dear one, you are not alone, Your resilience will guide you to your throne. Keep walking, keep growing, keep shining bright, And know that you are loved, in every step into the light.

[gobblegloop]

My Husband

self motivated - He works hard towards his goals with our family in mind. I don’t have to constantly argue with him because he’s gotten so complacent in playing video games or browsing social media all day. He’s not easily distracted. He’s a man of his word. If he says he’s going to do something, he does it in a timely manner. I don’t need to remind him of this often. He’s got it taken care of

He is a key player in house management - he can cook, clean, and fix things around the house. We share the load. If I can’t do something he takes a lead in getting it done without me having to be the project manager and telling him what to do

He can handle my emotions- doesn’t shut me out whenever I bring up some thing that’s bothering me. We can have a conversation about it. He sees me. He understands me. I understand him. Even if he doesn’t understand me in the moment, he is kind enough to ask for clarification so things don’t escalate more than they need to.

romantic- he plans dates, from picking out what we’re doing to cost. I don’t have to worry about the mental load of coming up with ideas. He takes the lead and has ideas

in tune with his emotions- he’s gone to therapy to work through his shit. He even teaches me techniques he’s learned as well

caring

considerate

loves to travel- he books trips for us to go on - traveling the world.

he has a good relationship with his family and sets boundary with them. I get along with them too. He has the ability and self awareness to communicate with his parents in a kind manner.

good with kids - he loves kids and teaching them new things

likes what I cook but also cooks his own stuff for us

cleans up after himself

hugs and massages me a lot

affirms how much he loves me.

healthy- exercises and eats decently heathy.

has the common courtesy to check in when he’s out of the house for extended periods of time. For example, if he goes out with his boys and doesn’t expect to be home till 4am, he tells you.

Doesn’t have any addictions to drugs alcohol sex gambling. He understands his emotions and can talk them through.

he’s faithful- he has a wonderful relationship with god. He seeks god for guidance and isn’t easily influenced by his peers. He is a leader. He has no intention of cheating and never will as he’s been hurt in the past.

he’s a geek. He loves discovering more about and more about the world and sharing his knowledge.

I feel safe in his presence. I never feel alone.

he genuinely wants to spend time with me and the family we create.

he reassures his love for me and our children

He has hobbies such as music

[gobblegloop]

I am destroyed.

It was his cousins wedding. October 7th. We had spent 9+ hrs driving from NJ to Canada with his sister. The road trip was fun. Really fun going to Canada, but as soon as we started hanging out with his family, I was left for the wolves.

Day 1 - Mehendi

His mom and dad were there for the mehendi and I mainly hung out with his sister. When it came to introducing me to his other family members, he was no where to be found. He left me to myself and didn’t introduce me to anyone unless someone forced him to have a stink about it. Luckily his mom and dad were there. At least I could talk to them and his sister and they were kind enough to introduce me to them.

Day 2 - Hindu Ceremony

He still isn’tintroducing me to anyone. I kept to myself and still wondered why. Is he embarrassed to be seen with me? His mom and dad is still introducing me to everyone. I am sad. He doesn’t notice. His Canadian friend that has family in NJ walks in. We are both happy to see her, but instead he starts introducing her to everyone. Not me. Her. What is this? This is so insulting. Why do I have to beg to be seen or noticed? I am hurt. I am forgotten about.

Day 3 - All is fine - I meet his mom’s side of the family. I like them the most.

Day 4 - me him and his sister drive back to NJ with little to no sleep. We made I back safely

Punta Cana

Day 1, Tuesday - We travel to Punta Cana. We had a good nights rest the night before. This trip to Punta Cana is a big deal for me because I’ve never travelled outside of the US and Canada. It’s also the first time we travel together out of the country together. This should be so special. I can’t wait! His friends Alex and Aleeza are there. I love that they are there. Idk what I would have done without them. The flight is great. We make it there safely and I had a great time on the flight. The dinner mixer is fine. We notice the shower head isn’t working properly at night time. I don’t feel comfortable showering there but I do it anyways. I call maintenance to take a look at the shower head. While I’m handling business, he leaves in the room to explore on his own. Day one in another country by myself. He leaves me by myself. Great. Just my luck. I text him to tell him I’ll be there. He finds Sarah and Khateja. They are exploring while I’m stuck by myself. He gets to have fun. I have to be the responsible one. I’m always the responsible one. He gets to go to the casino. The casino is our thing. I am hurt. I am hurt. I am sad. I do the dirty work to complain to our butler. I finally meet up with them. Idk what else happens that night. We sleep. Why can’t he take initiative? It’s not fair. He doesn’t check on me either. I don’t feel noticed. I feel like I’m bothering him. It’s only day 1. Shove your feeling down. It will get better Amy. I had to. He knows how important it is for you. He knows.

Day 2, Wednesday

I message our butler around 8 am. She says she can move us. 11am still nothing. The butler says we won’t move until around 2pm. The whole day is pretty much gone. He’s getting restless so I say he should hangout with his family. He doesn’t even say no I’ll stay, we should do this together. Gone. He is gone. I’m left by myself to pack up his things all by myself. The butler helps me move everything. I suppose I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s my fault. I guess. I would have liked him to at least tell me no, I’ll do it with you. But no, he doesn’t. I am disappointed. I am exhausted. I take a shower and get dressed to hang out with everyone. I end up at the beach. the beach was fun. He’s with family but by himself. We go into the water together. That was fun. He helped me get comfortable with the water. I don’t feel as bad. I feel like I can let go of the other things that happened. It’s fine. We also went to a French restaurant. Maybe the room switch was all that I needed. Things will get better.

Day 3 , Thursday- 12am hits. It’s His Birthday. He doesn’t want anything but to be with his family. I tell his cousin. She agrees they should all meet up at her place. The day is a blur for me. We sing him happy birthday and drink it’s fun. I hope he likes it.

I asked the butler to do something nice for his birthday. I tip her. The room looks great. The jacuzzi is too hot! We can’t enjoy it. It sucks. I don’t want to do it again. Maybe a different place. Definitely not here. I can’t remember if I had mamajuana today. Probably but I know we had amazing sex. It was probably the day before. I can’t remember. I think it was today. Either way it felt like the first time we had sex. I felt connected to him. I felt free. I thought things were good. i think we also did the beach this day. at somepoint i leave because its getting to hot for me. i end up spending a couple hours in the room by myself because i need a break from interacting and i want to take a lonnnggggggg shower. i do that. a lot of hours go by. we dont talk to each other until later. im glad hes haningout with everyone and i can freshen up.

Day 4, Friday - reception. It’s fine. We look beautiful. I spend most of the afternoon getting ready. Idk what he’s doing. Most likely at the pool. Idk. He doesn’t check on me either. The After party was lit. I enjoy myself.

Day 5, Saturday /Sunday HELL

saturday roughly 9am-2pm we go to the spa. I really liked the spa. It was fun. We spent morning there. I can’t tell if he’s having a good time. He doesn’t really say anything to me unless I ask. He teaches me to float. Woohoo!

The rest is a blur. i think i go to the beach with everyone.

Saturday we go to the club in the evening. It’s a bust. I try to dance. Everyone tries. But they’re all tired from the day before. Alex and Aleeza are leaving the next day so they don’t hangout as much. We end up at the bar.

Everything was fine until I see Anand randomly poke kahteja in the stomach. It’s weird to me because he normally keeps his hands to himself. I’ve never seen him do that with anyone else. Idk why he did it. I’m not used to it. I pretend like nothing happened just to suppress my feelings. I had already been feeling disconnected at some point. I probably should have caused a scene then. Maybe I would have gotten some sleep.

the night continues, it’s about 2am. Pretty much everyone is tired and leaving. But Sarah Katejah and mikey don’t want to leave. Neither does Anand. Ii would have left too but him poking her really upset me and now I have to stay there so he doesn’t do anything further. The night continues he still doesn’t want to leave. He’s pretty drunk and now banging on the chairs. These two white guys join and now they’re all jamming to songs idk. Idk what’s going on. I’ve never played this game with Anand. I’m too tired to think but i have to stay here because I’m scared he might do something further.

I have to stay alert at this point it’s 4am now they’re suggesting let’s stay up longer to watch the sunrise. A reasonable person would have gone to sleep, and then woken up at 6am to see the sunrise. Now that I’m apart of team no sleep and now these two creepy white guys are following us, I can’t leave Sarah and Katejah alone. Sarah was fighting with her boyfriend pretty much the whole night and I felt she was in a no fucks given mode and wanted everyone else to stay with her. Katejah is depressed and also didn’t want to go to sleep. Why doesn’t anyone want to go to sleep????!!! No I have to keep my cool. I can do this. Anand wants to be here. I have to be cool because he won’t like me anymore and will think I’m no fun. If it were my choice, we would have gone to sleep at 2am and woke up at 6am. I should have just left and went to sleep and if he did end up doing something then clearly he’s not meant for me. And I should learn to accept that. I can’t control him. I can only control myself. I guess the reason I’m upset is because we’re on this trip together. I don’t think it means as much to him as it does to me. I see that now. And now I feel he’s investing most of his time being the star of the party. He had to impress everyone. I don’t get it. Why does he feel the need to be center of attention? Why does he need to impress these girls so much? Maybe he’s not thinking it this way. Maybe this is who he is and always been? Maybe it’s just me overthinking. I guess I’m overthinking because my level of attention isn’t being met. But how much attention do I need? Now I’m watching will he touch me? Will he poke me? I don’t sense anything from him. I feel lousey and disconnected. Why is everyone else in this group able to have so much fun and not me? He says he’s here to hangout with family. But these girls aren’t family. They’re Reshma’s friends. all the family have gone to sleep. I am so confused.

The sun finally rises, we take pictures. That was nice. Now it’s at least 6:30am on Sunday. I’ve bit my tongue the whole night. STILL no one wants to sleep. It’s chaos. The white guys are swimming. And now they’re trying to peer pressure Anand to do it. We don’t leave until i FINALLY say I’m being over stimulated. Why do I need to start acting angry to be noticed. Why does this need to be the person I have to be in order to be seen? I don’t want to be this person.

We don’t sleep until around 7am-12pm. we miss breakfast. The only meal I enjoy at the resort. I’m awake at 11am. We should go get breakfast. Now he’s tired and wants to be left alone. I feel shoved to the side. I feel insulted. He’s getting snippy with me so I get snippy right back. We’re getting ready to leave the room but he says something rude to me and I can’t hold in my feelings any longer. He’s wondering why I’m acting this way but I want to know why he’s being such a jerk? Is it because I wanted to sleep and took him away from the fun? I don’t understand him nor do I think he understands me.

the day progresses. I end up hanging out with Reshma’s and Amrit from about 1pm-4pm. I’m really upset. Feeling alone. Drinking drinking drinking. I haven’t eaten anything. I feel very drunk. I need help. I ask Anand for help. He thinks I’m annoying him. I leave. I’m alone. I have to take care of myself because no one is going to take care of me. I asked for help. No one noticed. I am outcast. I don’t fit in. I am alone. I am sad.

I shove me feelings again because if I show any sign of emotion then I’m the problem. He’s teaching me to kill a part of myself that I’ve worked so hard to have. Courage. The courage to speak. He wants me to me to be complacent. I cannot for the life of me, go back to being someone’s agreeable personality. A part of me will die each day if I continue to neglect my emotions.

it’s now dinner time, I try to talk to him about how I felt today but he gets snippy with me again so I drop the conversation. I die inside.

Day 7, Monday -well, it’s the last day here. Finally. Maybe I can enjoy breakfast and forget about everything. I can’t. But I’m going unheard and unnoticed buy him. It’s fine. Shove your feeling down. You’re not allowed to be expressive here. How dare you have any emotions. You are too emotional for these people. They don’t understand you. No one does. As they’ve shown you yesterday right? You are alone. You have no one.

We are home. we made it home safely. The airport was fun. Just the two of us. Eating chicken and fries. We are both sick. Just my fucking luck.

Tuesday- he then tells me about how much fun he had. I should have said something again, but what the point? So I agree like a good little girl.

Wednesday- he asks me if it’s inappropriate for him to massage people. I ask who was there and what kind of massage it was. The one I taught him. He shared that with others. HA he must have been doing it to Sarah and Katejah. Yup, he confirms. LOL as soon as I left after I needed help from drinking, he chose to help them by massaging them. Got it. I am furious. But nah girl he doesn’t see you. Shove your emotions down again. Tell him yeah it’s fine. You massage ppl all the time. Like reshma had to explain to everyone, yep Anand is like this. He loves to give massages. Sure.

what am I feeling? I feel again left out, and alone. I feel suspicious because of what happened the other day and this morning. I can’t catch a break. It’s one thing after another hitting me.

Thursday. The blow up. I can’t hold it in any longer. We go to the chiropractor. He asks how was the trip. I lie and say it was great. I lie to myself yet again.

I can’t hold it anymore I’m in the car and I try to tell Anand I didn’t have a good time. And here’s why… he doesn’t get it still. Idk if he ever will. Now I’m all emotional. The one thing I feared would happen. Hes defensive and then he does the ultimate thing to destroy me. He posted our argument on tumblr. After he knows I don’t like things being posted. Idk how to forgive him. I don’t know who I am anymore. I am alone. I am unheard. I am misunderstood. I am unnoticed.