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It's been a while.

Life can get so busy when your recovering from such intense mental health and trying to get back into some sort of normality and routine. I don't really have anything interesting to say right now, other than I am doing ok. I'll update this a bit more when I think of something a bit more entertaining than rambling on about pointless crap...

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Medication and others views.

Some people don't like my tablets because of how they make me sleep more or how they make me spaced out. These are the type of comments that I get pissed off at. I've got people telling me to take them as it's important. I was sectioned this year and medication and therapy is what has kept me well. What would people rather? I hallucinate, have delusional thoughts, harm myself and possibly be sectioned or would they rather me to be better but just sleep a bit more?

I know which I prefer because I am the one that has to live with it ultimately.

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So many times this has been me, but now I realise that it was just my illness telling me this. People do care and I can talk!

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Talking, being open & honest.

For me, talking and being open and honest is something that I've never really found that difficult. However, recently I've started to learn that there is such a thing as being to open. I've started to close up lately. Choosing What I am open about and hiding some things away.

Especially things that not many people would understand and to avoid being stared at.

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Mental health & my family.

Don't get me wrong, my family are great. I share lots of beautiful times with them and really do enjoy their company. However, most of them have little understanding of mental health. My family haven't ever had to deal with mental health is complex as my own. I have tried doing a few things to educate them but it hasn't really worked. It's difficult to be at family get togethers and sneaking off somewhere quiet for a breather without being asked questions, they also find it extremely difficult to get why I self harm when very unwell. Like I've said, I do love their company, but sometimes it can be difficult.

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My views on PRN

Incase you don't know, PRN is a medication that is taken as and when needed. It usually has a sedative affect and is taken when anxiety is at its highest peak. I feel that prn is good, and can be helpful and most situations. However, it's only ever a sticking plaster, it doesn't actually solve whatever has triggered the anxiety in the first place. I do appreciate that it helps and sometimes it is the only way, I just feel that tackling the trigger is also extremely important.

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I'm starting to learn how imperative it is to take my medication consistently and at the right times and how important it is to follow my psychiatrists instructions. If I forget doses, I can become unwell very quickly. It could even lead to delusional thoughts and hallucinations. Also, it is nobody elses responsibility to remind you either. It is up to YOU and you have to keep finding new ways to remind yourself that works for you.

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Restless Leg Syndrome

Whilst the benefits of taking medication is amazing when it starts to make you feel better and lessens my delusional thoughts, hallucinations and the need to hurt myself, there are side effects that people sometimes forget exist.

The main one being Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS). I am on quiet strong medication and have almost maxed out the amount of mg I'm allowed to have. That's fine, I get it and I know if I were to stop taking them I would become poorly again. Just like with physical illnesses that need treating with medications.

However, one of the medications I am on causes 'Restless leg syndrome' which I can with a lot of will power and energy control during the day. However, it becomes worse when I relax or lay down. It is a constant need to move my legs and it disrupts my sleep. The medication can also worsen my anxiety, but I again I have to take it to prevent delusional thoughts and hallucinations. I'm asked by my psychiatrist "what would you prefer? Hear things that arent there or have a bit or anxiety and RLS?". My answer.... "is that a trick question? Neither!". I actually have to weigh up what is easiest to cope with and the truth is, meds will only ever be a sticking plaster... that slightly falls off from time to time.

I dont agree with self pity or feeling sorry for myself. I also HATE people treating me like I'm a child or stupid when I'm poorly. I know I may come across as childlike but I'm still me deep down. Just talk to me like an adult. Remind me to take my medication if you feel the need to... but dont belittle me.

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Insense therapy.

I have been inactive for a while because I've been in intense therapy which finishes on Friday.

I cannot think of the last time I felt this amazing. I really feel like the old me is back and that i am strong enough to kick mental healths butt. It does NOT have control of me anymore.... I have the choice to take control and I WILL.

My mental health illness will always be with me and I've had to come to terms with that and accept that, but I can now also have the knowledge that it doesnt have to control me. I just need to use all of my power and all of my coping mechanisms (even if I have little energy) what I've learnt is that if I feel myself slipping... even just slightly.... in that moment I need to grab someone and talk straight away. That used to sound difficult for me because i felt like i was being a burden when infact, if I dont nip it in the budd then I could get worse and ultimately become a bigger burden.

I'm diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Eating Disorder Not otherwise Specified and Psychosis. Sounds like a mouthful, right? And sounds like theyve just put labels on me with every mental health illness in the book. They havent, in reality it is what I have... but I can take control of it in small steps.

I have an illness, I can chose to bow down to it or I can chose to fight it and live the life I want to live.

I have so many people in my life that care about me and I realise that now. If they didn't care then they wouldn't chose to help me or be there for me.

A difficult childhood also doesnt have to define the rest of your life. Dont let the people who took your childhood away take your adulthood too.

I'm living my best life. 💖

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Today was a better day.

Saying I've had an amazing day feels like forever away. However, saying that I had a better day is happening today and this makes me so happy.

We have my partners brother over and he makes me laugh until my belly hurts. I made others feel good today and that always makes me happy. I also used more of my "healthy" coping mechanisms which is great. I also put things into place MYSELF to stop me from using "unhealthy" coping mechanisms.

I also had chinese. Yuuuuummmmyyy.

Today was a GOOD day. 💖

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Sometimes expressing yourself through songs can be extremely helpful when your not sure how to put how you feel into words. 💖

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The people in your journey.

Someone taught me today that some people throughout your mental health recovery journey wont understand... but that's ok. Try not to dwell or see them as a bad person.... teach them, educate them and give them that chance to understand.

We are all human and are all different and that's ok. Just because someone might not understand your illness it doesnt mean they dont care about you. Understanding you and caring about you are two completely different things.

Own your recovery, own your journey. So long as you understand yourself and are honest with those that do want to help then things will start to move forward.

Tomorrow is a new day.

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Being honest.

I struggle with being honest sometimes. I feel embarrassed, ashamed and am petrified of losing people due to my own stupidity.

It is proven that most people with complex mental health diagnoses like myself, loose people and the prospect of this scares the crap out of me.

I am trying.... trying so hard. People ask me.... are you feeling more positive? How are you? What is making you feel this way? I feel guilty because I just cant answer the questions.

I can actually feel very positive about my life. I can be feeling optimistic and positive about my home, my relationship, work, family... basically every aspect of my life yet still feel empty and alone, anxious and out of control all at the Same time.

I cant put the way I am feeling into words because half the time I dont know myself... leterlone trying to explain to other people. All I can do is hope and pray that the next day will be better. The next day I'll wake up and the emotions and feelings wont be so strong. The memories of things I just dont want to remember wont pop into my head and haunt me. All I can do is hope every day that tomorrow will be a better day.

I dont want to come across to others as that person that is depressing or cant be bothered to try. If people give me a chance and see beneath the surface I am ok. I promise.

I am trying. I promise. I am recovering. I promise.

Being honest is hard. I dont want to disappoint you.

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About me.

Hello :). I’m Maria. Welcome to my blog. A safe place where I can share my recovery with others, which i’m hoping will motivate me and encourage me even more to recover. I was recently sectioned and part of my therapy taught me that sharing is caring. You can help others at the same time as motivating and helping yourself. 

About me: 

I’m 24. I wish I wasn’t, I have a massive phobia of being an adult because really i’m still a child. 

I have a tendency of getting attached to people very easily and have a phobia of being lonely. 

Butterflies are beautiful and I love them lots, but maybe I love my cats a little bit more. Sometimes, I describe my recovery journey like a butterfly depending on how well I am doing. 

I love the color pink with a passion. I love rainy days, it gives me an excuse to get out the hot chocolate and blankets, but I also love sunny days as well. It’s nice to take a walk along the beach. 

I’d do anything for a peaceful life, but sometimes it’s just not possible. I love retail therapy! and with a cup of tea I can achieve anything. Whatever I have to do just make sure it involves the colour pink or a cup of tea and i’ll happily do it for you. I love train journey’s with music playing through my headphones, it makes me feel free and in control. I have a massive phobia of spiders and I HATE change! I also cannot stand rejection or knowing that somebody hates me.

Sometimes I care a little to much of what others are thinking about me. I am a people pleaser and wear my heart on my sleeve and i’m starting to realise that this can make me vulnerable and people could take advantage of me and i’m working on it! 

I find it difficult to trust people, it takes me a hell of a long time, but once I trust you... I trust you completely. I hate empty promises.... if you tell me your going to do something and let me down with no good excuse, then i’ll probably be grumpy with you for a while. If you want to know how to win me back, cup of tea!!!! :) 

I am a MASSIVE chatterbox when I get to know someone, but if i hardly know you then i’m very timid and quiet. I try my best to please everyone and make everyone happy, which isn’t always possible and being like this sometimes gets me into unintended trouble. I have a tendency of getting miss-understood by people, when really all i’m trying to do is please them or gain there approval, but sometimes I don’t exactly know what pleases some people. I have a habit of double checking things at least three times over, and then getting someone else’s approval. I’m not sure I have to much faith in myself. 

I live down south not far from the  beach with my beautiful fiancee, Sophia. Sophia is the love of my life, my best friend and my hero. We live in a cute little house with our two cats Sky and Shaya (we call them our babies) 

Keep smiling, stay safe, support each other and spread love <3