gingercardigan

[gingercardigan]

IT'S BEEN A YEAR.

Kinda? Haha! A LOT had happened. I don't know why I stopped writing my thoughts. Char, kasi tinatamad talaga ko. Bakit ba around September talaga ako nagsisipag mag-gather ng thoughts? Don't know.

Sooooo... Before I start, I came across my last entry. It was last Oct 2020 and while I'm reading it, I could feel the pain and I know I am still not completely healed that time.

"There are so much things that we cannot control. I really hope that someday my heart will find its healing. I hope I’ll realize that it is not about who comes first and that the love that I gave will eventually find its way back to me."

I remember that time kapag tinatanong ako if naka move-on na ko, I would always say " I don't know" and feeling ko you will never know if naka move-on ka na talaga completely. But today I realized na ganun ang response ko before kasi sa totoo lang, I am still in pain. In reality, my heart is still shattering and I am in denial of the heartbreak because I wanted to show others that I am strong, that I can stand on my own.

Today if you ask me if I moved on, I will confidently say YES. So how do I know nga ba if naka move-on na ko? Siguro kasi I can talk about it anytime without feeling anything. I could talk about the story of my heartbreak without shedding a tear. Naalala ko dati siguro until December of last year, while I'm in the middle of my sleep, I will wake-up just to cry. I am crying and at the same time praying that my heart will be healed. Now, I can't remember the last time I cried because of that break-up. *pats myself in the back*

So how did I do it? How did I move on? I don't know din. HAHA.

PRAY. Always keep in mind that prayer works. There are things that we cannot control and during those times ang makakapitan mo nalang talaga is si Lord. You have to keep your faith that eventually things will get better. Mahirap, yes. Pero what choice do you have? Healing isn't achieve overnight. It will take time. Trust the process that soon everything will fall into place.

Endure the pain. Wag mo iwasan. If you need to cry, then cry. Just let it out. Promise, hindi mo yan forever mararamdaman.

Do whatever makes you happy. In my case ang hirap kasi pandemic and I can't go outside to vent out with my friends or watch a movie or eat out. Siguro ang naging coping mechanism ko talaga is BTS. Sila talaga binigay sakin ni Lord para ma-divert attention ko. Other people may not understand, pero talagang iba yung magic ng BTS when it comes to healing. Basta ayun, gets mo naman HAHA.

Acceptance. Moving on doesn't mean you forget about the things. It just means you accept what happened and continue living. There are far far better things ahead than any we have left behind. Your life doesn't end there. Rise above and focus on yourself.

Don't lose hope. Have faith. Trust that your happy ending is somewhere out there.

[gingercardigan]

Paubaya

It’s been a while... Haven’t written for so long as I’m kinda busy with stuff. Stuff = sleeping. Anyways, I recently heard Moira’s new song ‘Paubaya’ and feelings came my way so I decided to write my heartbreak story.

Taglish nalang para mas feel.

I was in a relationship for 6 years. We were friends when we’re college. You know, the typical love story ng magkakatropa na na-fall and eventually became lovers. How we started is a cliche, not that exciting. How we ended, uhmmm.., siguro cliche din? Haha! We broke up last March this year, kasagsagan ng lockdown. You would not want to know the feeling of breakup in this freaking pandemic. It was really hard not being able to be with your friends and do something else to divert the attention. Sobrang hirap.

Anyways, why we broke up? I found out he was eyeing other woman. Actually, November palang nafifeel ko na. He was cold back then. May mga chats na na “Paano kung pagod na ko?” something like that. But I was the one pushing the relationship. Sinasabi ko sa kanya na we take a rest and we go back again. Naging biro nadin samin yung pagkakaron ng kabit. Selosa kasi ako, or siguro malakas lang din talaga instinct ko. Nung November I was really so close in breaking up with him kaso nung birthday ko he made me feel so special. He gifted me stuff that I really really really want. So that time sabi ko “Baka nag-ooverthink lang din ako sa mga bagay. Ah, mahal padin ako nito talaga.”

But then after ng New Year ganun padin. Alam niyo yung everyday parang routine nalang? Wala nang emotions na involved. Goodmorning, goodnight and iloveyou became an obligation nalang, wala nang spark. I can feel na he was no longer into us. He was a natural palabiro kaya nga parang naging biro nalang yung kabit kabit na yan samin. Until one day parang napuno nalang ako. I asked him, ano pa ba ko sa kanya. Ayun, I was perfect naman daw, perfect partner. Kaya hindi nya din daw maintindihan bakit siya nakikipag-usap sa iba in the middle of pandemic. Viola! Umamin din sya na he’s eyeing someone. Parang yung relationship nalang namin yung naghahadlang sa kanya na maging sila, something like that. So siyempre, I decided na mag-break na kami.

It was hard. Sobrang sakit. 6 years bro, 6 years. I sacrificed so much for him. I even do a lot of things that I’ve never done before for him. He was my first and I was expecting that he could also be my last. That time, I was furious because I’m in pain. Naging doubtful ako sa sarili ko kahit lahat ng tao sinsasabi na walang mali sakin. I guess yun yung mahirap sa lahat, when you start doubting yourself. I was left hanging asking myself what did I do wrong, what happened between us, what happened to those promises we made.

Eventually, naging sila na nga nung girl and now, the girl is pregnant.

It’s been 8 months since we broke-up and alam ko talaga na I’ve moved on. But hearing Moira’s song, I realized na I can still feel the pain. Sabi nga sa The Fault in our Stars, “the pain is still there demanding to be felt”, yun yung naramdaman ko. Masakit padin pala. Pero honestly, wala na kong galit na nafi-feel. Parang nagkaron ako ng reflection na dapat maging happy ako sa kanya. Yun yung parang gustong sabihin nung kanta. Even if the person caused me so much pain, deep down I really wish and hope for his happiness. We let go of the people we love just to see them happy with somebody else.

I was there at the lowest point of his life, supported him and gave him strength. Nung malakas na sya, I guess hindi na ako naging sapat kasi ako na yung mahina. Siguro nga we need to build a person for them to be strong for others.

There are so much things that we cannot control. I really hope that someday my heart will find its healing. I hope I’ll realize that it is not about who comes first and that the love that I gave will eventually find its way back to me.

NP: Soon you’ll get better - Taylor Swift

[gingercardigan]

BTS

This marks the day that BTS topped the Billboard Hot100 with their song Dynamite!!! Yes, I’m a huge fan!! Let me take this opportunity to tell you my BTS story.

I am a baby ARMY. My workmates were a huge fan. They are pushing me to watch their vids and they never get tired introducing the boys to me. I refused because I don’t have an interest at all... BEFORE. That time, Boy with Luv was a hit (until now) so I kinda started listening and watching its performances. It was hard memorizing their faces at first as I have poor face recognition. The first member that caught my attention would be V. He’s stunning. His voice mesmerized me as it is sooo inviting. The New Year’s Rockin’ Eve is a game changer. Right after I watched their performance at Times Square, I became obsessed with them.  They looked sooo good and they performed really well. It has been my dream to spend the New Year’s Countdown at Times Square, so yeah.

I then watched Run BTS and Bon Voyage vids and fell in love with them even more. They are more that just their visuals. They have a pure heart and so down-to-earth that until now they didn’t know they’re really big.  BigHit and BTS came from scratch. Their talent and humility made them what they are today. I just love when an artist writes his own songs.

Moving forward, let me share what BTS have done to my life.

As I’ve said on my previous blog, I’ve been on a 6-year relationship breakup during this freakin’ lockdown and I am grateful that BTS helped me moved on. Watching their videos took my anxiety away. Honestly, I don’t know what would I do without them during this freakin’ lockdown. I owe my sanity to them. It my sound exaggerated but their music really helped me get healed.

Another thing that I’m thankful for is the friendship that formed with my workmates because of BTS. I am genuinely grateful that I became close to them as working became so much comfortable. Also, I regain my communication with some people from the past that I never knew I would talk to. There’s this person from my high school that I really look up to. I am not close to her as I am really shy to approach. Right now, we interact so much and it makes me so happy. TT

Oh and Jin is my bias. I love every member but Jin really stands out for me. Not that he’s worldwide handsome but I super love his personality. He’s goofy and friendly. He came from a well-off family unlike the others but he doesn’t brag about it. He blends with the members and treat them as his own younger siblings. I can actually write a whole article on why I love JIn so much. May be I’ll do that on his birthday.

I have so much to say when it comes to BTS but I’m actually in the middle of work so I’ll just edit this post whenever I feel like writing. bye~

[gingercardigan]

New found kilig.

As I’ve said, I don’t really think someone would’ve spend their time reading my thoughts here. But just in case, I wanted you to know that I’ve been on a 6-year relationship breakup during this freakin’ lockdown. I’ll write that story some other time. It’s been 5 months since the breakup and I think I now have my new found source of kilig.

Have you ever felt happy when someone just send you a simple message? Whatever it is, just a simple kamusta or a photo sharing his stuff or just reacting to you story? Funny, right?

I never thought I’ll feel this again. I don’t think I’m just marupok because I’ve been talking to other guys as well and I don’t feel anything towards them. This kilig is just for him. :)

So basically, we’re close friends long before and he knows my ex. After quite some time, we stopped communicating for no reason. We regain our communication when I greeted him on his birthday. At that moment, I don’t have any intentions. I just wanted to greet him honestly, that’s all. But then he started asking my ex, my life, how have I been, etc. Our conversations became frequent. I have been ranting things with my ex to him before I knew it. He eventually shares me his little achievements and his anxieties. In short, we have actually regain our relationship... as friends.

I don’t know where this freaking feeling will lead me. My friend told me to guard my heart as it is still fragile. And I sure will. We’ll see. I’ll take this one step at a time. I’m just really happy that I found that kilig again. :”>

[gingercardigan]

Anger Management

There are two kinds of angry people: implosive and explosive. The explosive is the customer that keeps on yelling at the cashier for not taking his coupon. The implosive is the cashier that keeps calm day after day till she snaps and murders all the people in the store.

[gingercardigan]

Welcome.

I doubt that someone would bump into this account as I don’t have plans sharing it. If so, then congratulations! Welcome to my life. I can’t retrieve my old tumblr account which led me to this. Last time I check, we are still suffering from the freaking COVID-19 pandemic. Lots of thoughts spinning in my head that I need to write it down. Though I’m just at home, a lot happened and it’s worth saving.