ghvfira

[ghvfira]

I have no problem being a woman. Most of my problems come from how people treat me as a woman. It's not easy to live as a woman. Unlike men, there's no guidance written where we are the main characters to our own plots. There's no version of the story where we lead our own life with our own choices. Everything we choose in our paths is always considering other people. Other people will not go out of their way to adjust their lives to ours, but that's exactly what women do since the beginning of time. I'm supposed to blindly trust men's leadership for the sake of the deen. I don't know how long I can continue waiting, instead of living for the life I want.

[ghvfira]

Sometimes things just run its course, although nothing ever ends. I have been through this crossroads, but I've never felt quite like this before. It feels like I'm holding on to the parting of the eclipse and I couldn't help but still enjoy basking in the darkness.

I have planned my life around you since I met you and it would hurt us both if things doesn't come true. I can't focus today. All I think about is you and if you would be better without me. I will always have love for you. I will always be thankful and never regret the times I get to share with you.

[ghvfira]

My father is the most quiet man I know. He doesn't often tell me about his week, his wishes, or his woes, because his presence is often in the future. Even when he speaks of his past, it was in relation to my future. The only things that remain of him once God takes away his voice, are the stories I have been meaning to ask but I will always wonder about. In a way, everybody grows old and sick, and it's not a reason to put one's living on hold, but it is, for a mind that can only fix one thing at a time. I wish I didn't owe my old man so much, because it's a debt that I have to pay with my sweat and sanity. A man so difficult to love, but I am a child and I have no other options, but to love him.

[ghvfira]

I want to forget every thing about you. I want to believe that the times we spent in that bed means nothing. I want to burn the trivial memories of you that haunts me. I want to stop caring about how you might turn out if I leave. I hope your life is filled with the pain you have caused me. You have been the worst thing that happened to my life and you will never learn.

[ghvfira]

When I think of my past, I don't blame Allah for all my wrongdoings. I know that I made my own decision when I commit the sins I've done. When I look back, my regret is that I love this world more than I love Allah. I just end up hurt and disappointed in the end. Maybe it's the only that Allah can teach me that Allah is the only true love. Maybe it's because I was hard-headed, so Allah had to teach me through hardship.

[ghvfira]

There's nothing else to write down. All that will happen has already happened before. I am living through everything over and over again. My core is the center of a map. It's a round room with several doors and I hold the keys. The key could be a song or a certain smell. It could be a feeling at certain times of the year. I'm not even sure how many doors there are.

For awhile I have been planning to start labelling those keys. At the end of my life, I shall leave every door unlocked.

This song reminds me of people who believe they will never find another love like their first. They don't have to tell me a thousand reasons to stay. I can always recognize a pair of eyes that sees only beauty at the sight of ugliness. They make the room feels small and easy, but I always have to leave.

[ghvfira]

"All of my regret will wash away some how, but I can not forget the way I feel right now."

I think that's a perfectly fine way of living. No more restraining myself more than I can handle. No more holding myself from saying what I need to say. No more stopping myself from defending myself. I'm a different person now. I will choose confrontation whenever necessary. it's better to ask forgiveness than permission.

[ghvfira]

I hate that I always run when things get hard. It's a habit that's hard to die. I don't know how else to show you that I love you, that's why I think I should go. I don't think I deserve you. I'm unstable. I'm not good with conflict. I see the worst possible outcome in everything.

I pray that you find the peace you need. You deserve someone better. Someone who can calm you down when things get heated. You deserve someone who is easy for you to accept. While I will always want you, no matter how difficult things get. Maybe I never wanted easy in the first place.

[ghvfira]

My problem has always been that I've always kept a part of me for myself and from any relationship in my life. I've always kept a safe distance from everyone because people will always leave. In my eyes, no relationship is permanent, not even marriage.

Maybe it's because of what I witnessed as a child, or maybe there's just something instinctive in me that no matter how much I try to fix, I can't seem to talk myself out of it. Something that is so afraid of commitment.

It's the reason why I keep my distance even from my closest friends, because I never know when they will criticize me once they get close enough to know me. I even keep that distance with my parents, so if they die one day, it might not hurt so much for me. It's why I'm closest to my youngest brother, because somehow I believe he will outlive me and I can live with that.

When we fought that time during my finals week, something changed in me. It triggered that reaction. That reaction where I want to keep my distance from you. I didn't want to love you as much anymore because there's a 50-50 percent change we would fail.

If that 50% happens where we make it, then it's because we worked hard and we preserved. But if the other 50% happened where we don't end up together, don't blame yourself, blame that instinctive part of me that just won't seem to commit to anything.

That's why I stopped talking to you. I started to resort to something else or someone else when I need to talk. I don't wanna do that anymore. I don't wanna hold myself back anymore. I think I want to really love, really fall for someone, commit myself entirely.

I want to give everything I have and in return, it becomes my good deed. It becomes atonement for my sins. I think I want to get married because I'm tired of running from commitment I'm tired of hiding parts of me from you.

[ghvfira]

I am the world inside of me. I'm colorful in contrasts. Every now and then, the world outside tries to bring me out of my world and it makes my world tremble from the inside. At the same time, the world outside keeps finding a way to remind me that it's still there.

[ghvfira]

It's surprising to me. The fact that once I figured out who I am, that's when I become more lost about who I really am. I've found one life that works for me, but I also found other lives that I want to discover. Is it possible for a person to live and relive? Are we who our parents raised us to be or can we be a person of our own choosing?

I've been watching and reading a lot of techno-romantic. I feel no longer the need to question whether my reality is real. It's only ever real when you feel it. It's not real only if you want it to be. I will for the rest of life dedicate myself to a creation, as much as I try to do so for a creator. I will always succumb to both sides at one point or another.

[ghvfira]

I was unsure whether you would be the right person, but I tried leaving so many times. I kept looking back so many times that I eventually saw myself in you. So now, I'm certain that you're the right person.

Then, I wondered if this was the right time. I'm still a few more years to go. Before I met you, I wasn't even thinking that a relationship would be something I could handle, but after everything that has arrived in my life lately, I think I met you at the right time.

[ghvfira]

I'm so tired of living through this again, even though I knew it was going to be like this. I just thank the Lord that I have the people and the love I need to get through whatever I have to do. It's so heavy and it hurts so much right now, but I still have faith.

[ghvfira]

I'm really losing myself. Maybe I'm really just a vessel while it all comes and goes. I wish I'm having a better week. I wish I can handle it all at once. I wish you cared enough. I wish people weren't such assholes.

[ghvfira]

What I have with you isn't what I had with him - and maybe I will only learn later what I have with you, just like I only understand what I had with him now. Two years after we went our separate ways. One day after that moment, I told him we are already lives apart. He didn't understand, maybe he does now.

I used to love the way he loved things. He was passionate about things to its most metaphysical aspects. I didn't understand but I loved that about him. Only now I realize why he did that. Why he loved the way he loved. Why the thought the way he thought. And I find myself starting to love and think the way he did. Or perhaps, I've always had it in me and that's why we needed each other then.

I found myself loving and thinking the way he did and I realized is there a hole in my heart that he left? A hole that I thought I had patched with my new-found forgiven-ness from the creator that I found again. I don't know yet how to well-define what I have with you, but it sits in that hole. It's only empty because I don't know how to appreciate it. I love what we have, I just haven't learned to love it yet.

[ghvfira]

I've always been like this.

Most of our fights used to be about me criticizing him. His clothes, his speech, the way he react to people, to things. He begged me not to take him for granted. He just wanted to please me, make me happy, after all I've been through. In the end, I changed him without knowing if I intended to. He (my ex) never criticized me, unless I asked for his opinion. He was happy for me, about me and everything I have and don't have.

This time, I was the criticized one and I hate feeling like I'm not good enough. I hate feeling like I'm not perfect and then when I'm angry, I will hurt him before I know he's hurting me, which he never intended to. It still hurts to not hear what I initially wanted to hear.

I guess I haven't changed.

[ghvfira]

I just knew you're gonna be in my life for a long time. I was right. I still have your lust for life.

Then, I knew I could never be with you and that I had to sacrifice a lot. I was right about that too.

Now, I just know you're really gonna hurt me. I hope this one doesn't come true.

Sometimes I hate the way I can predict my own future and still end up disappointed as I watch it happen right in front of my eyes.