ghostlyglide

[ghostlyglide]

Seeing my dad freak out over his own mortality is making me freak out over it too along with my own mortality, this is fine

[ghostlyglide]

“Wow. I’ve noticed for a few of years I’ve been feeling generally apathetic and no strong sense of sadness or joy. I wonder why,” she said as she took her daily Zoloft like she’s been doing for the past few years.

[ghostlyglide]

Fuck governments and fuck any entity that’s willing to sacrifice the lives of unwilling victims to maintain power.

[ghostlyglide]

It annoys me to no end when someone doesn’t reply to my message but they still send messages in other group chats. Logically I know it’s not malicious and most likely they genuinely forgot to respond…but it still makes me feel like they don’t care enough to get back to me.

[ghostlyglide]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

[ghostlyglide]

My own attitude stress me out sometimes. I be mad at me for being mad

[ghostlyglide]

wanting to kill myself versus not knowing how to without causing other people trauma

[ghostlyglide]

Doing a thing that my therapist will most likely never approve of that involves compiling a list of all the shitty things I’ve done to my friends and reading it over and over again and wondering why they would ever want to be friends with someone like me.

[ghostlyglide]

I’m numb and burnt out. I want to die but I have no energy to do anything about it. I feel so alone and lost. I feel like I’m drowning. I can feel and see everyone around me functioning properly but my insides are screaming. I want to scream at every person that can’t see the pain in my eyes. I want the pain to end

[ghostlyglide]

I really, really hate that when I make one mistake that I know logically I can move on from my brain is IMMEDIATELY like “oh everyone fucking despises you and is just barely tolerating you so take that as your hint to kill yourself now okay? <3”

Like my heart physically hurts and I’m literally crying but I KNOW it’s not that big a deal, I can move on, it’s not the end of the world and it doesn’t mean my friends are putting this in like a list of “reasons why we need to stop being friends with her”

But the reaction is so immediate and I can’t stop it. And when it feels this intense it’s like, isn’t that proof that you’re just a terrible person?

[ghostlyglide]

Not to bash on anyone who has said this, but it’s really interesting hearing people talk about their teen years saying “yeah when you’re that age you think you’re invincible.” Meanwhile there was me believing I would be dead long before I graduated college

[ghostlyglide]

You ever get the urge to just ruin your life? Start drinking, smoking, doing hard drugs. Telling everyone you know to fuck off. Cut until you’re covered with angry marks. You know it won’t help anything. But you can’t help but dream about it.

[ghostlyglide]

starting to think I may actually have some issues and even perhaps problems

[ghostlyglide]

To be honest I only have this blog so that 1) I can let out my frustrations on here without anyone I know seeing but also 2) so maybe when I die then someone I know will find this and understand.

[ghostlyglide]

me texting my friends mental health advice when I belong in an asylum

[ghostlyglide]

me:

my brain: dont worry if things go wrong you can always kill yourself :))))))

[ghostlyglide]

I can’t imagine a future. It feels as if I’m not meant to be here