ghostfire

[ghostfire]

Astarion doesn't ask for affection because he can't..... yet.

Ah, more tea steeping in this seeming endless sea of thoughts. This brew is a bit strong on the heart. Read with caution.

Warning for game spoilers and talk of abuse.

This perspective is from game content only. How anybody cannons their relationships or behaviors is perfectly right. No blame, no shame, it's your game.

I was always miffed at the lack of initiated affection from Astarion as a partner. YOU ask him for a kiss. YOU ask him for a hug. YOU ask him to tell you thank you after being an amazing partner and killing a massive beastie just for him! Brat...

But then I had a sudden realization. Given his past, affection is probably insanely hard to ask for. Like it can be for a lot of us.

Stay awhile and listen. (nerd)

Now when I speak of narcissistic abuse I am only speaking from what I know about it. I have no academic or phycology degree on the matter. Just good ol' tossed in the pond and forced to sink or swim experience.

Astarion spent 200 years under the crushing weight of narcissistic / psychopathic abuse. One of the things these types of abusers love to do is take what you love and make you hate it and then make you hate yourself for ever having liked it to begin with. All very nasty business that. But it's one of the main corner stones for the cage they build to control you.

They make you feel as if the request of a simple hug is the most pathetic thing you could ask for. Or the most selfish thing as it inconveniences them. They don't want it, why should they give it to you?

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue..

200 years with a master who used him like a tool. 200 years with siblings that fought amongst each other so much comfort was a liability. Nights coming home assaulted only to be mocked for your tears. Insulted for your need of comfort.

"Pathetic! Weak! Disgusting! "

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue..

Affection was nowhere to be found there, I assure you.

And for a Narc. anything given is expected to be "earned" in any way they see fit. And if you were "rewarded" with anything, it comes at high price.

And how dare you not find it fair. You ingrate!

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue..

Hugs are pathetic. Kisses are an intrusion. Or they become gateways to other unwanted behaviors. To be held...what are you? A baby? The only way you are going to get held, is down.

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue.. The pattern continues.

But you ask HIM for a kiss. And he says..

"There is nothing I'd like more."

And he means it.

I'd bet a mountain of gold he wants to just ask you himself. But years of conditioning to expect pain when seeking pleasure probably keeps him in a choke hold. Like rats that are shocked every time they try to eat food out of a dish. They learn it is safer to starve.

"I want to ask Tav for a kiss or a hug, but they might think i'm weak. But if they ask me first then it's them who wants it and they can't degrade me for it because they asked, not me. It's safe then."

"I want to ask Tav for a kiss or hug, but they might reject me for being too needy and shame and berate me for being so selfish or demanding of their time and person. But if they ask they have time and want me to kiss/hug them."

"I want to ask Tav for a kiss or a hug, but my primal brain keeps telling me they might demand more than I want to give in return for it. But if they ask, I have the power of negotiating the outcome."

This leads me to believe he would view sex and affection very differently as well.

Where most find affection safe and nurturing, it's anxiety educing and unsafe. It means there are feelings and if there are feelings there is the risk and fear of rejection or judgment. It's much scarier.

Where most find sex to be connecting and intimate, it's been used so much it's lost any meaning. Something you can do a thousand times over and walk away the second it's done and feel nothing afterward.

This may even be a part of the reason why he wants to stop having sex.

He wants to connect with you in ways denied to him. He wants the experience of being courted, treasured, nurtured. It means so much more to him than sex. It is so much more connecting.

Feeling this way is wretched and lonely. The most basic instinct is to want to seek comfort in the arms of those who love us. But it's broken. The risk is too great.

And it's hard. Because you could be the sweetest most honorable Tav in the whole of Fearun. But after being fed poised apples one too many times, all apples appear poisonous regardless of if is true or not.

I have no doubt that this prickly elf soaks up every second of non sexual affection you give him. And truly is grateful for your patience while he slowly and carefully disarms the safety measures he put in place to survive. The fact that he even allowed you to touch him like that at all was a monumental act of trust. And why not? You are incredible after all.

I'm going to go ask my elf for a kiss now. And then cry in my cup.

[ghostfire]

This is what we call "foreshadowing."

Solavellan wasn’t really my thing, but I can’t help but think of them every time I hear this song, especially with how many end up with lil’ elf babies. As an added bonus, the story the song tells dates back to the mid-1500s.

[ghostfire]

[ghostfire]

i promised something from my bank of astarion wips 👌

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Oh my god. This is sooooo wholesome.

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I imagine this is no more than a year after the end of the game. Cullen and my Trevelyan Inquisitor are going to end up with so many wavy, blonde-haired babies.

[ghostfire]

Returning from Skyhold/Hiding Near Weisshaupt

My first reaction to seeing that Anders tagged concept art was hostility. Anders is basically a punching bag throughout the Dragon Age games, unless you pick your path carefully. I could, though, handle it if that was just one of many possibilities - a sort of “contents of your Anders cave will vary due to player choices” thing. So I decided to make my own future.

Anders: “I should have trusted you. Even with all we’ve shared, I never thought you’d spare my life. If we live through this, you know I’ll be hunted. No one in Kirkwall will offer me mercy. But, if you would join me, I’d rather be on the run with you than safe with anyone else.”

Hawke: “Then we will be fugitives together.”

Anders: “We will fight for a world where our children can be born mages, and free. Ten years, a hundred years from now, someone like me will love someone like you, and there will be no templars to tear them apart. May the Maker bring us victory, or everything else is meaningless.”

[ghostfire]

Why are they sitting together? Don’t worry about it.

Closeups of the rest

Like this work? Want to see more? Consider supporting me on Patreon! Even $1 helps tremendously.

[ghostfire]

Decided to give a bit of a background and a loose color to last weekend’s drawing. Arthur Rackham inspired Fereldan spring fashions for Alistair and my Warden Brenna Cousland.

*All support is greatly appreciated! Even $1 through my Patreon is a tremendous help.

[ghostfire]

[Patreon support is appreciated!]

I call this one, “Dirty Hobo Mages with Cats and Regrets”.

[ghostfire]

"Let's commit a Terrorist Attack with the power of friendship"

- The Fighter's Player, about a plan that he still hasn't told me, but that sure as hell involves a lot of explosives.

[ghostfire]

I still don't have Veilguard (both my main monitor and my car have died in the past week and a half ;_;), but I did finish Inquisition last night (all the way through Trespasser, which was not out when I last played ten years ago), and I'm having big Solavellan feelings.

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My housemate's cat came into my room while my dictation was on...

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Being obsessed with your own ocs is so so good for you i seriously can't recommend it enough

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Can it wait three games? I'm in the middle of some calibrations.

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How fandom should feel.

[ghostfire]

*bites ur scruff*

[full on twitter]