ghost-run-free

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giovanni's room ruined me

"it was this last fact which was our undoing, for nothing is more unbearable, once one has it, than freedom"

giovanni's room's audacity to spit on my face and tell me that nothing is more unbearable than the thing i've spent my entire life seeking. there is, to me, nothing more agonizing than to read a story about a man who've ran "so far, so hard, across the ocean even," only to find himself trapped in giovanni's room. and the bulldog in his backyard having grown bigger, the yard smaller.

i had no choice but to swallow and let every sentences bleed into my life. my life, which i honor and love deeply, currently in its most unfortunate state. never have my bleeding, pumping heart felt so useless. never have i felt so far away from my wet dreams of having freedom. i was so struck at how unbelievably sad the short time i had of reading this book made me feel.

"confusion is a luxury which only the very, very young can possibly afford, and you are not that young any more"

giovanni's room's audacity to make a 20 year old girl miss the luxury of being confused. i don't remember the last time i was ever genuinely confused about banal things and this realization somehow made me feel deeply sad and cheated and robbed. the audacity!

i felt like my skull was being cracked open page after page and even more so once i felt like i'd made direct eye contact with David through a reflection in a mirror. his cruelty and his lack of desire to convey love in the ways that matters. his inability to accept. "All day, while I worked to make this room for you." when he'd never for a second even accepted that there was a space there for him. to be at peace with his "insistent possibilities" all at once. all at once.

James Baldwin's ability to describe human interiority... truly unmatched and unlike anything i'd ever read before. the type of unbelievable writers who are able to write about life as is. i gained so much knowledge through David, Giovanni and Hella, as he grappled with the real & imagined benefits and pitfalls of compulsory heterosexuality, living outside the "norm", gender roles & toxic masculinity. "Where he has found a lover who is neither man nor woman." i will never forget. a perfect book to me and has unequivocally changed my life, for better or for worse. i want more than anything to live and to love who i choose to love and to be confused and to be sincere and to be free.

as proof that i still have will to live and that i am crazy, i did read 2 whole chapters of part one in a stadium full of people during a football match. indonesia vs. thailand AFF championship u23 semifinals. it was down to a penalty shoot-out and we won, btw.

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Robert Lebeck, New York, 1967.

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Anaïs Nin, in a letter to Henry Miller, from A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin and Henry Miller: 1932-1953

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the hidden bobbin that relentlessly spins inside of the tricky machinery of my sewing machine becomes an allegory of a heart that i once thought had ceased its labor. unnoticed, dusty... but there. there, and laboring and spinning and pumping. there is life before knowing you and an entire life after.

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i am moving here and leaving twitter forever and ever

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Kairo (Kiyoshi Kurosawa, 2001)

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AND INDONESIAN TOO I LOVE YOU JILLIAN 😭😭 #me

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"I am the other half of William Burroughs"

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Virginia Woolf, from her novel titled "The Waves," originally published in 1931

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wonders never cease even though i believe i’ve been cursed ever since i was conceived. a beast. a beast whose favorite question to ask herself is; why do i turn everything sour? i make everything dull. i piss everyone off and i am so irrelevant sometimes i can’t even believe how… invisible i am. i need to go the fuck to sleep .

[ghost-run-free]

Burroughs' posthuman becoming of unlimited desire

from the cambridge companion to the body in literature, in the chapter "posthuman bodies," 2015

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tal…. i love YOU 🫵

oh my god it’s the poml (pea (love) of my life) 🥰 i love /you/……..

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my baby lumia 🤍

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wow i’m blogging… crazy

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Charles O'Rear. Bird in farmland bush, May 1972

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Bastiaan Woudt

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Ocean Vuong, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous, 2019 / Ocean Vuong, Night Sky with Exit Wounds, 2016 // Queer (2024), dir. Luca Guadagnino.