ghost-run-free

[ghost-run-free]

William S. Burroughs at kitchen table 206 East 7th Street New York, Fall 1953, getting in condition to edit Yage Letters and Queer. He'd returned to New York from Colombia & Ecuador and Mexico, his Junkie had been published recently as Ace Books cheap paperback, Gregory Corso now on the scene visited as did Kerouac as described in "The Subterraneans" of the same year.

Photo & caption: Allen Ginsberg, courtesy Stanford University Libraries / Allen Ginsberg Estate

[ghost-run-free]

To me, Queer is a tragedy. It's an apology. To lovers who find themselves unsynchronized more often than they are. To self-hating addicts who dream of finding love and connection. To explain, in a series of funny and dark humored stories and unfortunate events, how hard it is to live in a daze and not knowing yourself. Your identity. Your sexuality. How you feel about all of it. To explain wanting to be vulnerable and pliant but also wanting to assure dominance and command, symbolized by a pistola on your hip. To describe how hard it is to look into a mirror. Really, really look. Until you think that there's no escape for you except in someone else. To try, and try, and try again. To go into the depths of the jungle and leaving your entire life behind to find the answer. Finally finding a mirror, an escape to look into only to find yourself looking at a shell. A ghost. Just as vacant as you are, or even more so. It is not so simple a love story. It is the mention of Joan Vollmer in the introduction, and the fact that it was absent before the official version is a testament to Bill trying to make a point and emphasizing what he wants the reader to know as soon as they open the book. Bill writing the entirety of Queer while awaiting trial for Joan's murder. Joan Vollmer haunts Queer. She's lurking in every corner of the Ship Ahoy. Every shot glass is a call back to the tragic William Tell act. It's tragic and bleak and hopeful and funny and apologetic and unapologetic in the way it apologizes. My first time reading the book truly felt like rubbing salt in the wound times and times over.

But of course I don't mind at all the way Luca interpreted it as a love story the way he did. "A new love story by Luca Guadagnino" in the trailer makes for a reasonable distinction between the book and his adaptation. He's putting his own true, original meaning into it. Getting the rights for a book you've always wanted to make for the cinema since you were seventeen and getting to weave in your favorite art pieces and interpretations is a dream many would kill to have. I'm forever thankful that dream came to the visionary that is Luca Guadagnino. I get emotional every time I get to talking about Queer, the book and the movie. I want to live in it forever.

[ghost-run-free]

i am nothing

but an observer. i see what's being posted on here under this tag and while i am a hopeful and optimistic person, i am more inclined to dismiss these blind items. that is, by no means am i completely dismissing the wonderful relationship these two have managed to create while filming Queer.

i get a headache just thinking about the myriad of questions i have surrounding actors. the relationship that these very real people have on set is one that is so incredibly unique and one that has an impending, scheduled time limit. it has always been a subject of particular interest, personally. recently i've been listening to clairo's newest album, Charm, and how in the song 'sexy to someone' she sang about not getting a part for a movie or not getting the job for a tv show. this gave me sort of a weird (made up) context for the album. basically, i listened to the album from the perspective of a struggling actor. the song pier 4 in particular, really made me ponder about actors' relationships on set (i understand the dangers of going too deep into that, re: the harmful rumors that have ruined relationships between actors for centuries being the very result of mere speculations. but i still can't help looking at it from a distance and thinking... they're people at the end of the day. they contain multitudes just like me and as complex as their emotions can be, they're only somewhat a variation of my own. i can't help but wanting to humanize them even more and to find their flaws) as i feel the lyrics to this song paints a perfect picture of it.

'What's the cost of it, of being loved?'

'Where's your line, when do you draw? When close is not close enough'

'Where's the fun in it? And now I'm too tough. From Close being just too much'

i don't know. i might just be talking out of my ass.

to circle back to these two, i find their relationship so wonderful. as i observe them further, i even feel like the immense closeness we see between daniel and drew goes past the need of there being any speculations or blind items.

i love how daniel always used the word 'kind' to describe drew in interviews. 'a kind, wonderful human being' he once said. 'i liked drew the moment i met him' and 'a beautiful actor to work with'. tsk tsk tsk, actors... actors... it's also them saying that they practiced their choreography for 6 straight weeks, and by the time they're on set to film the sex scenes, they're already 'very familiar with each other's smells and the feel of each other's skin', in luca's own words. it's a marvel, really. 'i've never moved my body in that way before' drew said in one interview, cue daniel looking at the camera knowingly and laughing cheekily. i love being able to witness how great these two got along despite the 25 years gap between them. it was never even mentioned. instead they talked about how 'we shared some strange and funny stories with each other' that aren't allowed to be shared in front of the camera. smh. drew saying that daniel is punk and counterculture is a true testament that he really got to know that man. daniel endlessly bullying and teasing drew's lack of public speaking abilities and zero knack for answering questions in general... the ENDLESS stories of them laughing and (basically) having the time of their lives shooting the sex scenes. drew saying that daniel 'really kept him going' on set and he likely 'would have exploded' if it weren't for daniel keeping things moving and holding the fort strong enough for the both of them. god. the dynamic in their relationship is truly so beautiful (and complex). and as someone who's been obsessed with actors and relationship between actors all their life, theirs was a special one to observe. i think that's due to their unapologetic attitude towards showing how much they enjoy each other's company (and existence). (and how in love they truly are with each other)

anyway that's my rant. i love actors. i love drewniel.