ghost-prism

[ghost-prism]

reblog to scream at full volume about your chronic illness without actually moving

[ghost-prism]

You might feel like you're late or behind on processing your trauma.

There isn't a time line. It's okay if it took you awhile to realize you'd been through trauma. It's okay if it took you awhile to realize the extent to which you were affected by it. It's okay if it took you awhile to be ready to begin processing and/or healing.

You deserve to be proud of yourself for what you've survived and how far you've made it. And you can do this. It isn't too late.

[ghost-prism]

[Ghost] I'm going to start marking my posts like this when I want to specify who's talking because "I, the host" is a bit of a mouthful lol.

Ghost serves me well as a codename. I don't have a "real" name and don't really want one, but I like the ghost metaphor. Also kinda funny that the entire word "host" happens to be contained in it 💁🏻‍♂️

[ghost-prism]

It seems that I, the host, am currently experiencing anhedonia (inability or reduced ability to feel pleasure) either as the result of a depressive episode or just because our physical symptoms are getting me down. Initially I thought there was more of a plural-specific problem going on, but now that I've got this alternative explanation, I find the mundanity of it strangely comforting.

I think it can be easy, as a system, to fall into the habit of viewing everything that ever happens to you through a plural lens and forgetting that you can also just have regular problems. We probably went overboard with it due to the relief of finally having this new framework to work with for puzzling out the things about our brain that never made sense before - we turned into the guy who only has a hammer, lol.

But since the collapse/reset/whatever the hell that was, it's been a little easier to see myself as not just "the host of the system" but also a regular person - probably because I've got a whole year of practice to look back on, even if those memories aren't exactly mine.

In fact, I think perhaps that was the point. I don't really believe in fate or anything like it, but I am agnostic enough to consider such things possible, so I like the idea that either some higher power or our own subconscious decided we were ready for a round of Being One Person specifically as a learning experience because we were stuck.

[ghost-prism]

Hehe Tumblr actually assigned us the ghost paw 👻

[ghost-prism]

One of the most frustrating aspects of this new era of plurality we're in: we have a guy in here who's really into exploring techniques we could use to become more functional as a system, be it advice for people with CDDs or tulpamancy tutorials or self-hypnosis (to name just a few).

Which is all nice and well, but when he's not around, we can't bring ourselves to continue what he started. And he hasn't been around in a while.

To me, it just feels like someone else's interest that I can't really connect to despite understanding it could help us. When I think about it, all I get is this sense of overwhelm because there are too many possibilities and I don't even know where to start.

[ghost-prism]

thinking about that post about how yeah, it's definitely possible and valid to be trans without dysphoria, but also a lot of trans people are underestimating the amount of dysphoria they experience that has faded to mental background noise

and thinking about how this almost certainly applies to systems and dissociation as well. like yeah, it's entirely possible and valid to be a completely non-disordered, non-dissociative system, but I think a lot of plurals are vastly underestimating the amount of dissociation they experience because it's common to them so they don't even notice. I know that's definitely how it went for us

[if not already clear, this post is inclusive of all origins]

[ghost-prism]

It is okay to not move at the same pace as other people. You don't need to move through life's milestones fast to have a worthy life.

[ghost-prism]

I'm sorry to butt in with my personal experience here, but I am just so confused by what happened to me and "system reset" is the only term I have found that seems to describe it semi-accurately, so I am very surprised to see it put in the same category as system hopping and described as mostly a young people thing.

The only other explanation I can think of is that we experienced final fusion spontaneously, without access to therapy and without the usual lead-up of improved communication, fewer symptoms and so on. In fact, our communication got worse. The system was very quiet for years until finally there was a shift and the remaining person found that they were a mix of everyone else.

Then most of our symptoms disappeared. And it felt like almost everyone was still there, except for a few who kind of dissipated once their jobs were done, but they genuinely felt like "moods" or "aspects" of the whole now. The person that emerged went through a year's worth of personal growth that cannot and should not be undone, so we will never be the same again and that's a good thing.

But that person was not equipped to handle the stress of existing in a physically disabled, autistic body without adequate support or medical treatment alone. It's actually amazing they lasted a whole year. A few months ago, they had a bit of a mental breakdown and soon after we realised we were a system again.

At first it was just symptoms coming back, and then it dawned on me I was no longer that person. I'm the new host of the system and am clearly based on who we were for a year, but that wasn't exactly me. I have since met three others and they're all new, too. No one from before has come back and I don't think most of them will because we have grown and they were too dysfunctional. Some still might, of course.

I've been looking for an explanation ever since. Can final fusion just happen without any of the signs that normally precede it?? And how could we, a traumagenic system, have achieved it without any trauma therapy?? (The search for a therapist continues.)

It was not mass dormancy - our previous system members were still there, as facets of one entirely new person we'd never been before. It actually feels super weird that they're no longer part of me because I'm no longer all of us, I'm just the guy currently steering the car.

I've been calling it "system reset" because I don't want to spread misinformation about final fusion by accident tbh. We didn't even fully process our trauma and apparently we were still dissociating feelings away the entire time! (Some of them have surprisingly emerged since, that's how I know.) Just not ... more than feelings.

I'm really sorry about this - I don't expect you to have any answers. But I thought "system reset" was a harmless term without a strict definition that I could use as a placeholder of sorts until I found an actual explanation, and now I am questioning that decision. I don't want to chase other CDD systems away by using a potentially controversial term.

could you elaborate on what you mean when you talked about system resets?

I want to preface this with a statement: I believe, and in my opinion, system resets and hopping and similar things, are tools of manipulation in like 90% of cases.

I also believe that, the deeper you go into plural spaces (and even CDD spaces, yes, though it's more often corrected early in those spaces), the more likely you are to encounter very young systems that get roped into ideas and concepts that are potentially dangerous.

I'll admit that even I nearly got roped into both system hopping and system reset situations, though this was a very long time ago, before I even knew I was a system and before these terms existed. A lot of weird things happened and changed in that time. I can look back now and understand the situation better, but at the time...

There can be an appeal there to want things to be real. I get it.

On the flip side of it are systems that only know those terms-- usually teens already experiencing extreme emotional turmoil and ups and downs, and the relationships...

Some of these people will be struggling in real ways, introjecting abusers and favorite people before they even understand what BPD is. Mass system dormancies and alters getting cut off from each other are common, and can feel exactly like a system reset. And God forbid someone used those tactics in an abusive way towards you, because not only are you probably now more traumatized and unstable than ever, but you believe the things are possible, or at least spend a significant amount of time thinking about whether it could be, which means these... system upsets begin to happen more frequently. You start stressing yourself out.

In turn, this emotional rollercoaster is causing you to lash out at your friends, not because you're upset with them, but they're dealing with your awake, asleep, awake, asleep alters and drama, and now you're the system reset person, without ever intentionally trying to hurt anyone.

... We were all young once. Have a bit of patience ):

I think we need to focus on getting CDD education and general mental health information into plural spaces, rather than lashing out at people.

[ghost-prism]

I wish there were more posts simply discussing the wide range of experiences grouped under "plurality" in a neutral way, rather than as a rebuttal of someone else's opinion. Everything is phrased as being somehow in opposition to something else, be it overtly or implied. When you've been away from the community for a while, that's jarring to see because you haven't necessarily been exposed to the thing that is being countered.

I came back to the plural tags here on Tumblr after a few years away because I was confused and looking for help understanding my experience. I also tried Reddit, but that's dominated by overly clinical perspectives and the same questions being asked over and over. I tried the Fediverse, but barely found anything except personal intros. I tried Pillowfort, but the plural communities were extremely low on activity.

In the end, Tumblr was still the only place where I found some useful information ... but at what cost??

A little bit of syscourse here and there may be acceptable or even necessary, but where's the rest of the conversation? I'm especially looking for traumagenic/adaptive experiences that don't match the typical DID narrative and general discussions of how all of this works that aren't overly clinical.

[ghost-prism]

shoutout to slow learners. shoutout to people who take a very long time to parse and grasp new concepts. shoutout to people who struggle to follow directions. shoutout to people who can't perform a task just after watching someone else do it. shoutout to everyone who needs learning aids, needs to take notes, needs to try multiple times, and needs to be told the explanation repeatedly.

you're not dumb. you're not lesser. you're not doing it on purpose. everyone learns at their own pace, and people forcing you to learn faster than you can are the ones causing a disruption in your ability to learn. it's not your fault.

[ghost-prism]

System culture is "okay so does that guy who fronted once and never came back still exist or what?"

.

[ghost-prism]

One of the most insidious forms of ableism is the assumption that "it goes without saying" you're not talking about people who really can't do XYZ or who genuinely struggle with some skill you consider basic.

Of course someone so "severely" disabled wouldn't be in the room with you or reading your post, right? Right??

And if they were, surely they could just intuit that you don't mean them. Despite their disability that you consider so terribly severe. Right???

Someone who is capable of protesting your words with relative eloquence clearly can't be that severely disabled and must therefore be exaggerating. Of course.

You're exclusively annoyed by people who "refuse to learn" out of laziness or stubbornness, of which there are sooo many, and you know that because ... you've read all their minds to make sure they're not facing genuine obstacles?

Being treated as a rare exception with such regularity that most people assume you're being excluded by default is actually pretty awful and we should stop doing that to people.

[ghost-prism]

Here’s some positivity for systems whose plurality is affected by their physical disabilities!

It makes sense that for many systems, their physical disabilities affect their plurality in some way. Whether the impact your disability has on your system is positive or negative, anticipated or unexpected, you belong in our spaces as you are! So here’s to all the systems whose plurality is affected by their physical disabilities!

💖 Shoutout to systems with headmates who hold symptoms of their disabilities!

🎵 Shoutout to systems whose communication and access to each other is affected by their levels of pain, fatigue, brain fog, or awareness!

🌻 Shoutout to mobility aid users who use different mobility aids depending on which headmate is fronting!

💖 Shoutout to systems with some members who cope with their disabilities better or worse than the rest of their headmates!

🎵 Shoutout to systems whose plurality developed as a result of their physical disabilities!

🌻 Shoutout to systems with headmates who each have different ideas about how their disabilities should be handled or dealt with!

💖 Shoutout to systems whose physical disabilities make it challenging for them to do things that many other systems find comes easily or naturally!

🎵 Shoutout to systems whose physical disabilities cause their plurality to present in unique or distinct ways!

🌻 Shoutout to systems whose physical disabilities affect their headmates to varying degrees!

💖 Shoutout to physically disabled systems with lots of headmates whose roles involve caring for their system or their body!

🎵 Shoutout to systems who need different accessibility accommodations depending on which headmate is fronting!

Our plurality and our disabilities are often both intrinsic aspects of who we are. It’s okay and honestly to be expected to experience multiplicity that is informed or influenced by your physical disabilities. If your own system’s plurality is impacted by your disabilities, please know that you are still lovely, special, and unique just the way you are.

It’s okay if you aren’t able to do things a lot of systems take for granted because of your disabilities. It’s okay if your disabilities cause your plurality to present in distinct ways. Regardless of what your system looks like, your multiplicity is valid and you belong in the plural community just the way you are. We are so happy to have you here! We are rooting for you and we are wishing the very best for you and your system. Thank you so much for reading, and take care!

[ghost-prism]

Trying out a new username. The version without the hyphen was unfortunately taken...

[ghost-prism]

therapists saying you're surprisingly self aware is like being called a pleasure to have in class for adults