gh0stinthep0st

[gh0stinthep0st]

sometimes I'll sit here with my thoughts and wonder who else has ever felt this way before. i mean, someone definitely has had to before. we're all unique individuals but we share the common struggles. i think all I want in life is to find others who share these intense feelings i do, or at least is able to communicate well enough with me that i know they know what i'm talking about.

i don't think i want much as far as friendship goes. if that's too much to ask, maybe i'm not looking for friendship. maybe i'm past friendship. maybe what i really need is a depressing relationship where we both perfectly understand each other, but it only brings pain because we both realize how meaningless it all feels. i want someone to lie in bed with for 3 days straight with no motivation to do anything until one of us has the willpower to drag the other out of the aether.

[gh0stinthep0st]

adhd is killing me

yes, adhd is slowly killing me by making me forget to take my damn vitamins. okay, not really, but i have been in a car accident that i blame entirely on my adhd. driving is one of the things i’ve learned to have a “system” for. 

my adhd has transitioned to ocd in many cases because of this. i’ll explain: with certain activites, particularly dangerous ones, i learned very early on that i need to have a very calculated system where i have responses to everything. the way i drive is very methodical. turning left is a whole procedure of checking my rear view mirror, left hand mirror, looking over my shoulder if possible.. i basically check and double or triple check that there’s no cars that are to my left or could possibly be there. i have to think 3 steps ahead because i know others often don’t. when i drive, i drive for the safety of not just myself, but everyone around me. i take calculated risks based on how i think people will react. it’s incredibly draining to drive for me, but i still manage to enjoy it because it becomes a sort of puzzle to solve. 

and back to why my adhd is killing me: this is why. because i was trying to program just now, had this thought, and decided that i need to write it down. yet that original thought i had is now long gone, replaced by a dozen other thoughts that now seem much more important to chase down the rabbit hole(i’m very aware of rabbit holes. they’re everywhere!). 

whenever i talk to people there’s a moment in time where i get “stuck”. my brain suddenly forgets what it’s thinking about. as if there’s a break in the stream of consciousness that’s just big enough to forget what i was just talking about as i’m talking about. my memory isn’t as bad as people think, well working memory is bad, but my short term and long term memory is mostly fine. it’s hard socialize because of this problem however. people lose interest while telling them a story. at this point i’ve more or less figured out the time it takes for people to lose interest while i’m trying to remember what i was saying. it’s around 10 seconds or so. most people forget things too, but the difference is that extra few seconds. it amazes me how much people care about seemingly important things when you can’t convey them quick enough, that is to say, not at all. 

actually, i think this is more of a problem today than it has ever been because stories are so easy to come by. everyone has a story to tell but not everyone is good at telling stories. civilization is built on stories. a good business started with a good story. we’re overwhelmed by it without even realizing it and nobody has time for a badly crafted one.

[gh0stinthep0st]

on staying up late

sometimes i’ll have the energy to stay up really late into the night. i feel like i have enough energy to do something important. it doesn’t happen often, but it’s nice when it does because having the energy to get shit done is harder to come by nowadays for me. i usually don’t end up doing anything when i stay up tho. i just end up thinking about my life and trying to figure out what i need to be doing.

i think the later you stay up, the more you realize how alone you are. it’s not necessarily a bad feeling. i think that’s the kind of loneliness you want to experience. you know that eventually you’ll be back having to socialize, annoyed by it even. i think it’s good to practice feeling this kind of loneliness. there’s a lot of clarity when you’re alone with your thoughts, when you know there’s no one else to text for an opinion. 

[gh0stinthep0st]

hey there

decided to make a tumblr so i could have somewhere to write out my thoughts. i feel i often have ideas that are lost to the void only because i don’t have anywhere to put them. i don’t enjoy keeping a diary as it feels very lonely(loneliness is something that has permeated every aspect of my life for as long as i can remember).

here i’ll post things i know at least one person will read eventually, which is comforting enough to keep writing: basically a collection of my streams of consciousness, or rather the effort i’ve made to try and encapsulate it all into “short” form, fun-little-quirky, blog posts. 

and with that, i wanna say thank you for reading this and i hope i can inspire something in you