gettingthewordsout

[gettingthewordsout]

People Are A Lot

If you've known me for any amount of time, you'll find I don't care for people. I am super picky about the people I choose to be around. I genuinely used to be more friendly, but when you're taken advantage of, that ends.

Yes, that means I also have trust issues. I simply stick to not enjoying other humans.

Growing up, I was bullied.

A lot.

I had very few friends, no kids my age in the neighborhood, and I was weird anyway because my parents were "old." (Context: my mother was 34 when I was born, my father was 40. Dad was often confused for my grandfather.) My parents weren't friends with any parents (again, only kid my age in the neighborhood), so I just stayed fairly solo. I was a tomboy, so the friends I did have were usually nerdy boys. I was more like them than the girls in my class.

If you want to take it way back, bullying probably started in daycare, but that's an entire can of worms in itself. Throughout elementary school up into college, I wasn't liked by my peers. Teachers loved me, but to other students, I was too smart, weird, ugly, had glasses, I looked like a boy (I've been misgendered since '87 y'all), and as I got older, I was called slut, made fun of for my physical appearance, implications made about my genitalia, the list could go on.

I don't like people because people didn't like me.

I was in advanced music classes- didn't really fit in. I was in advanced English, maths, etc. Didn't fit in there either. I was in senior government class with kids I'd known since kindergarten and they didn't know my name. The teacher was my elementary school gym teacher and HE remembered me.

I graduated high school in 1999 and I've never been invited to a class reunion. There's a handful of us who are just forgotten. University? I wish I could forget it. Thousands of dollars in student loan debt from graduating in 2004. I'm no closer to paying it off now than I was then.

I'm smart. I'm creative. I'm a writer. An artist. I should have nurtured my musical side more. People don't believe me when I say I have a Bachelor's Degree in Communication and theatre. I really do though.

I was picked on a lot. Students, family, boyfriends, spouse, etc. People just aren't that nice to me. I would love for someone to observe a human interaction with me and "friends." Not once am I asked for input. Or my thoughts. Or my feelings. It's always take. Take my time. My money. My love. My concern. My peace. When I do get the rare chance to vent to someone, there's not a lot of listening. It's more of a 'I don't want your bad mood' kind of thing.

So, I cut people out of my life. Family- no problem. Hell, as a rule we don't talk to more than half of my mom's side of the family. Friends? What friends? I work with people. I'm their boss. I'm at the bottom of everyone's list, so don't expect to be at the top of mine.

I enjoy being alone. Just me and my cat. I miss hugs. I miss affection. I miss a kiss. But let's be honest, no one wants to give me any of that without taking something from me. My needs are low. Even in my day to day life, a hello can go a long way.

There is no hello.

I've given myself freely for 40 years.

I turn 41 in a month.

I am no more the doormat.

You didn't like me before, you're going to despise me now. I'll wake up and choose peace every day.

My peace.

Mine.

[gettingthewordsout]

Introvert

“Oh she’s just shy.”

“Oh she’s bashful.”

“She’ll grow out of it.”

Guess what, I DIDN’T!  I just handle situations differently while appearing completely relaxed. Having a BA in Communications and Theatre really does come in handy.

I work a very public job were I engage with 200-1500+ relative strangers for 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week.  In my downtime, I really enjoy being alone.  Most days I can’t wait to get home where it’s quiet and peaceful.  I’m coming off a two week vacation where, for the most part, I had minimal engagement with other people and IT WAS FANTASTIC.

I am quite choosy about the company I keep and the length of time I spend with people.  For most, 2-4 hours is where I max out with one-on-one interaction.  A small few get me for longer and if I’m in a group environment?  I cannot begin to explain how taxing that is.

If I’m comfortable with my company, my personality comes out.  Textbook introvert if I ever did see one, am I right?  It’s not a bad thing.

Choosing to be solitary is not always a sign of something negative.  Some of us really enjoy our space.  It’s not like in visual media where a character is depicted as an outsider for being alone-- be it the nerd trope playing video games or the business person who would rather stay late at the office than sing karaoke.

Being asked to go to karaoke honestly sounds like a nightmare.  I like my coworkers but not like that.  Some of us don’t feel the deep need for whatever extroverts are going for.  Trust me, I get plenty of social interaction at work.

I was that kid who played by herself.  There weren’t a lot of kids my age in my neighborhood. I didn’t have a lot of friends in school- a small handful of boys because I didn’t really fit in with the girls. Misgendering isn’t a new thing- I was a tomboy and I looked like a boy, so older kids would make fun of me and ask me if I was a boy or a girl. Blah blah blah kids are cruel, so on and so forth. My childhood best friend wanted to study law for quite some time so she could defend me.

Should you encounter an introvert in the wild, approach with caution as to not startle them.

Not everyone likes being around people. I understand that some people really feed and vibe off that energy of being in a crowd.  I get it.  I’ve felt it.  Now imagine that intensity being sucked out of you-- welcome to how I feel!  Pile on the emotional baggage of people making you feel bad for being introverted!  Still me!  Why is it looked down in this culture?  Just because I’m not awarded social accolades that somehow makes my life less full?

I’m literally the happiest I’ve been in years.

I have my space, my cat, my painting, my job, my life.

My life isn’t Pokémon.  I don’t have to keep adding to my friendship collection or social circle.  I will when I want to and when the time is right, but that’s for me and the universe to decide.

Hi!  I’m an introvert! Unless I bring you into my world, please leave me alone.

kthxbai