getagripordie-blog

[getagripordie-blog]

So apparently texting him is a huge help.. but in general my paranoia in life is fucked. I'm so sure that I'm a terrible or weird ass person people simply tolerate or pretend to give a shit about.

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I don't want to keep on. I don't want to because I see no purpose in doing so. Without him it really sucks, but in the end I guess it would suck any which way. Honestly, they should of let me starve or get beaten to death when I was younger. I'm very jealous of the children who pass away young and never find the truth out about life. They pass with faith in things that are not truly real. With a passion that we lose and the innocence that we all actually want..

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I'm building up to the best of my ability, but I still miss you. Any time something reminds me of you, I lose it, in my mind. I wish you were here with me love. I don't want to ever move on or get close to anyone anymore. I can't anymore.. because no one is you. I hope Heaven is nice. If it isn't then we've all been fooled and you were right all along.. which honestly wouldn't surprise me. But darling, I love you to bits. Just know I am truly trying here because you'd want me to. I want to make you proud baby.

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I'm losing it little by little, yet I feel like I'm in the same exact spot every morning and if I could just give myself a moment. I might be about to end it all and forget. And be free.. but then I'd let down everyone and I can't do that..

[getagripordie-blog]

alone. I feel alone right now and when I do I get emotional and my mind heads the wrong way. I wish my mind wouldn’t immediately run to negativity, but I can’t help it lately. I need a job or something to occupy life and make me feel useful. Because I feel like a failure, a burden, and useless when it comes down to it.

note: my menstrual cycle makes it 10x worse

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I don't want to do this anymore. But small bits keep pushing me to. So I'll keep on.. but I need to start focusing on myself..

[getagripordie-blog]

death

Death, I am so fucking excited to die. And no, I’m not going call it passing away or going to a better place or something fancy term to make it sound ���better.’ Not because I’m rude or trying to be a rebel, but because death is one of the most beautiful ideas in the dictionary or human language to be honest.

Just think on it, people are placed in an area with drama and bad people and bad things and then one day, all of the bad things stop happening. All of the bad people disappear. And this, this is what we call death. Sure, you leave people behind, but I have this feeling that after you die.. time won’t feel long.

Not saying that you should ever bring deathupon yourself or those around you. The most beautiful and innocent deaths is a natural one. Old age or just natural causes showing that it is your time to go. So please don’t think suicide when I bring this up. Just think of the beauty of death. And how happy those who have passed naturally are about now.

[getagripordie-blog]

I don't know what to say or do. I feel like anything that I do or say is wrong and dissapearing would do me well. But I cannot dissapear.. not to mention that all my emotions are building. And as a result I'm only happy when people are around. Today has been filled with sadness & anger tbh.

[getagripordie-blog]

Trust is Earned

So he is trying to earn trust, but nearly expecting it too fast. His friends & acquaintances are telling me he fell in love with her. That he texted her when he said he wouldn't and got her a ring to ask her a question. But, he claims it is all made up. And he expects me to believe him without question. How though? I can't comprehend where he is coming from honestly.

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So he did it.

He cheated & I'm not doing well with it.

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Another Average Joe

When I look into your eyes, I cannot tell if you look at me with love, regret, or just average ad if I'm just another average joe from around the corner. For now, I'm going to assume I'm another joe.. because I'm scared.

[getagripordie-blog]

dying it, at last

On an off note, I have decided to dye my hair again because I feel it will bring back my self esteem. Lately, I have been down in self esteem and it’s unhealthy honestly. So, I’m excited, but, hoping that my boyfriend doesn’t get upset because I originally said that I would not dye it.

But it’s been driving me insane..

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You may have shown me love and kindness at a point, but we are long past that point now. So far gone that the attention from a stranger would make me smile because I cannot feel the care you once showed me. I cannot see that sparkle in your eye anymore. And to say it hurts is far beyond any understatement.. it’s nearly killing me inside. But for now I will sit and wait and pretend as all the others girls do.

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I am scared.

I’m admitting it.

Losing him will be fucking hard if I do.. and it scares the hell out of me.

And, I am trying to trust him. But, this girl gets his full attention if she is near and so I get nervous that one day he just won’t head back to me. It’ll start off with apologizing and saying he didn’t mean to fall out of love. Or loves her more. Which will lead to breaking my heart. Leaving me.. for her

These thoughts worry me. But I also don’t want to scare him off.

I want them gone. And it’s keeping me awake as of late.

[getagripordie-blog]

I almost hate you. And I just want you to go away. Like, far off away from that which I love.

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why you gotta be like that?

So my boyfriend, the one that I love with all my damn heart and would choose above all others........ happened to mention if my best friend didn’t hate him he would go after dating a person like her. So I got jealous as hell. 

[getagripordie-blog]

So lately, I have been having random overwhelming sadness or anger overcome me. I figure that it is something in my subconscious bothering me, but I wish I knew what it was because it is really starting to mess with me. And I don’t like to bother people near me with it either. Hopefully it will just pass.