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gengars-exorcism · 4 years

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2/16/21 - 11:36am

It’s been a good while since I posted. Seems like yesterday but it’s been 5 months give it take, almost half a year.

No coincidence either, I’ve met the love of my life around 5 months ago. Literally. I’ve been keeping my IRL journal up to date, and I haven’t really needed to use this, but since my journal isn’t on me and I really need to write I thought let’s use Tumblr again.

I’m a bit depressed right now due to university. I have the same mentality of myself being stupid and inept. I still think I’m worthless sometimes, but honestly she’s helped me so much. My depressive episodes feel so docile now. I don’t feel as stupid when I’m with her. She loves me for who I am and it’s in turn making me love myself for who I am.

I love and trust her 100%, so when she says that I’m worth loving I believe her.

I’d do anything for her.

Regardless did I waste 1.4K on university? We will soon find out. In the mean time I wrote this in my notes a couple days ago so I’ll leave this here. Hopefully the next time I use this will be in a year or something.

<Stonks: (thought)

Yesterday I put 89$ USD into SNDL stock and today I sold it for 94$

At first I was mad.

I hate myself so much that I was mad that I was progressing. The AMC stock I bought has me down 70$... my Air Canada Stock had me down 20$.

Gaining 5$ should be a win since technically I haven’t gained from any stock that I’ve sold yet.

Sure I haven’t gotten back my net losses, but I still gained. My brain doesn’t want to think that way. Instead I think that I’m worthless... if I’ve only made 5$ back on the 90$ I lost then I’m I’m a failure.

I just started this. I need to cut myself some slack.

Maybe it’s everything piling up. Not having a car, losing money in stocks, failing my first university exam....

everything together makes me want to cry and kill myself. Everything together sucks.

But I have an amazing girlfriend. She’s so caring. I’m so lucky to have her by my side. I should be grateful.

I’m just scared I’m a failure and she’ll leave.>

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gengars-exorcism · 4 years

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10/10/20 - 12:04am

I have no understanding of my life. I don’t know what to do.

I’m too easily attached. Clearly.

I want to be someone that I’m not at all times when I should be focused on myself and who I am. It’s just really hard when everyone around you is better at doing what you want to be good at.

My best friend is much funnier than I am, and I don’t envy him because he’s my friend, I want him to prosper. He’s talented and has bigger balls than I ever will. Being able to preform comedy on stage, and successfully, takes a lot of spirit. Granted I don’t want to be a comedian by any stretch of the means, I do however like making funny YouTube content, and so does he. I don’t want him to stop obviously but when I look at his videos and mine, I feel terrible... because he is everything I want to be. Not tit for tat, his comedy and mine are different... but I just find myself loud and obnoxious with maybe a sprinkle of funny compared to his natural born comedic talent.

It sounds preachy but it’s true. It’s really true. I’m not funny and I try too hard- even though people say I’m hilarious or whatever I don’t feel it. I feel loud and obnoxious. That’s just a small part of everything in my life. I just realize that people are better than me and I’m a background character. I’m the shortcomings of everything I thought I could achieve. I’m second place in everything. It sucks.

I try and not self pity because it makes it worse and I really try and just amp up my game but every time o feel like a fall flat. Maybe it’s imposter syndrome.

I’m honestly a failure. No one would miss me in a couple years if I killed myself.

I do want to add something positive to this entry though, regarding something I said previously about a videogame my mother for Christmas. I talked to her about it... about a month and a half ago I visited my mother and I talked to her about this 11 year long guilt about this videogame and how I felt so bad for not appreciating it. She laughed. She said she didn’t remember which was either a lie since she didn’t think I’d remember and she knew I must have felt extremely guilty for bringing it up or I really over thought it.

Regardless that of all things took a lot of stress off my shoulders. Honestly it might have been the cover for a lot of other guilt I had as a kid and the way I treated her. I have a strong opinion/hypothesis that sons only appreciate their mothers, truly, when they get to be 19-20.

I love my mom.

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gengars-exorcism · 4 years

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9/3/20 - 2:38am

Maybe I’m just not looking at myself right. I don’t fit the specifications of what I want. I want to be popular in some regard- and all I feel like is a nobody. I feel like nobody likes me. I feel like a side character in some shit sitcom.

I know that’s not true because my friends have my back, especially my 2 closest friends, but I still just feel like super shit about myself. I hate myself so much. It’s suicide prevention month but that just keeps my mind on it. They say depression is a liar but is it? I mean- it would be easier if I was dead, then I wouldn’t stress about it while I was older... but besides that I wouldn’t stress about anything at all!

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gengars-exorcism · 4 years

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9/2/2020 - 12:38am

People tell me I’m a good person or I work hard and I don’t believe it. I don’t know why I don’t. It’s weird. I always feel different, I always feel like a different person... not to be confused with multiple personalities or something, I just sometimes don’t know who I am. It maybe is because I don’t agree with what people think of me and it conflicts with my actual thought of myself, but regardless I’m not good at getting what I want.

What I mean is generally I like something and I try to obtain it but I just can’t because I let myself get in the way. I’m a loser. There’s this girl I’m working with right now, she’s a student learning the trade and I think she’s flirting with me but I’m scared because the last time I thought that, the girl turned out to have a boyfriend. I really really really suck at being myself around anyone, and with potential love interests I suck even more.

I really believe I’ll die alone at this point, which sucks. I mean I don’t actively chase girls, but when they fall into my life I don’t know what to do, then I get upset because I miss my shot or I make a tiny fuck up and don’t try again and they cycle continues.

I’m impossible.

I hate life so much. I really do. The entire concept makes me sad. Working in an old age home just provokes that. I see people there dying, but that’s not the scary part, the scary part is dying alone. A lot of people are widowed but they have memories or kids to come visit... others don’t have that. Others literally die alone, without having that success of lasting love. I know for some that’s not an issue and they chose that themselves but Id like to not go out that way. It sounds so stupid out loud but I want to be in love with someone and for them to feel the same way back.

It’s cringe when you say it out loud or word it the way I have but it’s honest. I long for that sensational feeling again. The feeling of being wanted by someone. Someone you can rely on and they can rely on you. Mutual trust. Sharing. I miss that. I miss all of that.

Granted I don’t fall for everything with a vaginal crease but I do when I just feel like they’re good. I can’t explain it but it’s different every time. My type doesn’t exist I guess, because I’m not pansexual but I do go for personality a lot. Looks are also there but, personality is the thing that hooks me in... and it’s weird because there is no rhyme or reason- it just clicks.

Like I could fall for a bubbly girl or a dominant girl it doesn’t matter, it’s as if I just get a feeling. I can’t explain it. The last 2 girls I liked had nothing in common besides they’re french, but I know french isn’t necessarily my type because I go for English people too.

I’m confused. I’m so confused that I’m timid and I’ll be alone for the most part. I suck. I wish I died. I’d kill myself but I’m afraid I’d feel guilty about it somehow. My mood swings are all fucked too. I have to admit that I’m a strange person, I just wish people shunned me or ostracized me because it would make life easier. I wish my own friends, who I like being around, told me to fuck off.

I want to be alone now, because I don’t want to try anymore. It’s useless and a waste of my efforts.

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gengars-exorcism · 4 years

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8/14/20 - 12:51am

I’m tired of being bad at everything I’m passionate about. I’m going to delete my YouTube Channel, I’m going to stop doing music. I like doing it but I’m not good at it.

I think I’m going to end it soon. The only thing I’m good at is being mediocre. What’s the point of living life if I can’t live it the way I want to.

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gengars-exorcism · 4 years

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7/15/20 - 12:41am

I cried thinking that if I go along with killing myself, my mother would have raised me for nothing. I don’t want her to feel like I was a waste of time, or maybe she’d think she didn’t do enough... which she has, by a long shot.

My mother is amazing. Some of the moments I regret in life is being a dick head kid. I remember one Christmas I got this Wii game called “Safe Cracker” and I really didn’t want it. I was expecting I guess a more triple A game, but clearly my mom was strapped for cash, not because we were poor but at Christmas she had shopped for 5 kids so money was going left and right. Also it was a videogame which my mother rarely got me for Christmas, (or ever) which really showed that she put thought into it since I loved video games so much.

Anyways I pull this game out of the package and I said something like “oh I’m probably not gonna play this game” or something scummy like that, acting like Mother kept up with the latest games. She probably saw this game at the grocery store on sale and thought it be a good stocking stuffer...

My mother looks me in the eyes andresponds “well if you don’t appreciate the gift for you maybe you won’t get one next year”.

Those words still echo in me. Sure I was a kid, probably 10,11 at the time and I had stupid kid brain, but I could have hurt my mom. Guilt always hits me. The fact I could say that is disgusting, that’s not how I was raised by my mother.

My mother was a single mother who raised me with respect, put amazing food in my belly and a roof over my head. I should have never said that. When I look back at it now my mother was probably hurt that day. All the effort she put into Christmas just to be spit in the face by some greasy, chubby dirty mouthed 10 year old. Who did I honestly think I was saying that. It sickens me till this day... and I i early think about this fucking game about 4-5 times a week in passing. That’s how guilty I feel. I want to appologize to my mother but I don’t want to seem weird.

The irony is that the game is now worth 100$. It’s funny to think about it. Apparently it has a 3.3/5 star rating.

I wish I could go back in time to yell at my younger self. To tell him to respect his mother and to treat her like a queen because she has given everything she has to give you the best life you can live.

I know moving in with my dad broke her heart. I know it made her feel like she didn’t do enough despite her not admitting it. That isn’t true, I wasn’t doing enough, that’s the real reason.

I was hard headed. I was in my own ways. There was no give and take, is just take. I’d be lying if I said that moving to the big city and going to a city highschool wasn’t better than going to a country bumpkin highschool, but I missed my mom. I didn’t miss the kids bullying me though. Major plus. Those kids would harass me all the time. If I had a time machine to yell at myself I’d also go back to beat the fuck out of those guys. At the time they seemed so big but now looking at myself, I could take them all on now. I’d leave them half dead, barley breathing. One kid I wouldn’t even feel bad making into a vegetable.

But enough with the violence. I need to pay for my mistakes I made before I kill myself, the ones with my mother especially. I can’t have her thinking like she didn’t do enough for a second time. That’s one of the things that holds me back from leaving this world. That and my brothers, I can’t have them think they too could have done more. I want everyone to be assured that when I go (If I go) that it’s no ones fault but my own.

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gengars-exorcism · 4 years

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7/14/20 - 11:25am

I never write usually this much in one day, but I guess with the aid of modern technologies it makes it easier to. I still prefer the physical book though.

I couldn’t sleep. I actually woke up at 9 finally because I was just annoyed with falling asleep and waking up 25 minutes later.

I shouldn’t be upset by this, but I am. I want to focus on why the happiness of someone I care about is upsetting me. On the surface obviously it’s because I cared for her romantically and she’s with someone but is it really that? Or am I just mad at myself because I had a full year and a half to make a move and I didn’t, or am I upset because it wouldn’t have happened at all, even if I did make a move. I think today will be like any other day recently:

1) eat a raisin bagel

2) stay in my room and watch sad anime

3) cry

4) maybe play some call of duty or smash bros

I hate being sad but I love waking up to a grey sky. It’s beautiful. Rain and grey skies usually are linked to being sad but for me they’re always linked to being happy. I’d say that “oh my mind is just hard wired differently” but I know a plenty of people who think the same thing, one of them to be her. What I’m getting to is that this morning I was greeted to a reminder of my inept decision making.

It probably was never meant to be. Honestly. I should drop it. I have to drop women from the eqation. *Loving women I should add.

I get asked to fuck regularly. I wouldn’t say often, but a good amount. I used to think I was ugly, I still think I’m average but I wouldn’t say ugly anymore. I’m not atttactive, but I’m not ugly. I lost weight which was nice, I thought finally I can keep someone around. Turns out- it’s not the weight.

I’m just too much. I don’t want to just have one night stands though, I want to love someone, I want to be loved. I want to wake up next to someone and got to bed next to them when I come home. It’s cheesy but it what I want.

Mostly though I want someone to understand me. I feel so alone all the time. The last person I dated I had to break up with quickly. It was just weird timing and scenario, matter of fact I don’t think I’d consider it a relationship, just a mess. My highschool sweetheart however, she accepted me for who I was. She made me feel really safe and loved. I just have a feeling, no, I know I won’t find that again. I know I’ll never be able to feel that again. It sounds stupid but I know I won’t... and it’s no ones fault but my own.

I really hurt her. I didn’t beat her or assault her. I certainly didn’t rape her or anything amongst those lines, but I was in highschool and I said hurtful things. I was scared of a lot of things that were happening and instead of learning out of fear I lashed out due to fear. Not who I am today. I cheated. I kissed 2 girls at a party. Yes it was probably 4 years ago give or take, yes I’ve learnt my lesson. I was drunk but I could have said no. That’s why I don’t drink much today.

Regardless I know I’ve messed up and everyone can have a cool anime redemption arc but I just don’t feel like I deserve it, not only that, I can’t move on because no one I like emotionally wants an emotional connection... They want to fuck because I’m cute or just be my friend because I’m a good friend.

Also I think the “being tall with blue eyes is an advantage in dating” thing is a hoax lol no one cares. Nor should they.

I don’t want to sound like those guys who are like “I want a woman who’s not just beautiful, but smart” acting like women are mostly stupid, because they’re obviously not. I think what retards like that are trying to say is they want a woman that’s not only stunning but fits their core values and morals, which isn’t special because that’s what literally most people want on this planet. That’s what I want too. I don’t want one night stands (not saying they’re bad, just not my cup of tea) I want a undisclosed amount of nightly stands with a woman I truly adore.

Maybe I’m jumping the gun. Maybe I should be focused on dates, which I am. I make it seem like I just want to find a girl and be married to her within the same week but really that’s not the agenda. Dating is fun. I want dating. I want dating with the girls I fall for.

What I’ve learnt is that people I like don’t like me. I should honestly give this up. I put my heart out on display and have it literally broken each time, and it’s no ones fault but my own. I can’t force people to like me, and even if I could I wouldn’t because what would be the point. I just can’t change who I am, and no one will love who I am. Even if I’ve grown from my previous relationship. Even if I know I’d never hurt someone like that verbally, or cheat on them ever again I’m just not an attractive archetype. I can’t blame anyone because this happens, it’s just life. It’s the odds.

Life isn’t fair. I’d be lying if I said I had it the worst. There are millions of people who probably wish they could be in my shoes I’m sure of it, and I feel bad saying that.

I guess the rebuddle in this situation I’ve heard used against me is “girls like confident men”. I was confident. I was confident on dates. Confidence is really not the issue despite is seeming like it is. I’ve lost it currently but I haven’t been on a date in this current state of mind, because I don’t want to anymore.

Being confident is not the issue. It’s an umbrella term. Girls are falling for TikTok e-boys who cry about the same shit I talk about and then roll their eyes back into their skull and mass amounts of women still want to be slammed by them. The confidence rebuddle for the most part is bullshit.

It’s really just [your looks + your morals = Intrested/ Not Intrested.] Very simple. Just as much as I don’t want to date an unattractive woman, a woman doesn’t want to date an unattractive man. I think it’s fair. And sure you can make the point that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but for the most part, if you’re actually unattractive, people will agree with that. I am not a hot person. I’m not someone’s dream looking man. I’m 6 foot sure but that means shit.

What I’m saying is that I’m not the normal level of attraction. I’m below that, and all I can do is take that L. I might envy some good looking people but I don’t wish them any misfortune just because I was dealt a shitty hand. If you’re a queen you should be slaying.

My writing is so chaotic. Okay so they didn’t want me because I’m below average in looks and my personality is too strong, I’ll never get a girl I’m looking for, and I refuse to settle for someone I don’t find myself wanting because I’m not desperate trash. I’m accepting this L. Women I like will never like me. I hope they all do well, I hope they all strive. They deserve the best and that’s from the bottom of my heart. I’m hurt but it doesn’t mean they have to hurt just because I wasn’t what they were looking for. It be hypocritical of myself to judge them and their wants when clearly I’m a picky person & set in my ways myself.

It won’t stop me from peeping Instagram and upsetting myself. Curiosity killed the cat.

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gengars-exorcism · 4 years

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7/14/20 - 3:38am

The more I think about it the the more I hate it. I should be happy for my friend. Happy that she’s with someone but I’m not. Everyone who I had romantic feelings for liked me for a bit. I made a good impression until I put my whole heart on the table.

I rush into things fast. I guess I’m scared I’ll miss my opportunity. Everyone (recently) who I’ve had feelings for are now in relationships. One of them even told me a little while ago that they would have been with me and liked me until I came off too strong. I’m a mess. The countdown to my inevitable suicide.

I want to put out it’s not their faults. I’m not a white knight, or an r/niceguy. I realize this is me. I realize this is my fault.

I’m the problem. I’m the x in this equation.

I’m my own worst enemy.

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gengars-exorcism · 4 years

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7/14/20 - 1:58am

I made this because I’m really angry and upset. I didn’t think I needed to buy another journal to write in but I should have, the last one helped a lot.

I’ve been really good recently with the bad thoughts. The thoughts of committing suicide, but they’re sprinkled on my mind again.

This is a social media no one has me on, I can make these posts anon and people wont know it’s me. I just really need to write. I’m good at writing. I’ve always excelled at it. I think one of my only talents in life is I can write well enough to get my point across & then some.

Regardless I’m not here to vent about that. I just need a place to write until I get my journal... or maybe a form of Internet diary when I don’t have my journal in possession and I need to formulate something. I feel like when I write my emotions out and re-read them after, I understand how I feel in depth. This is why this is important.

Anyways, I found out a girl I’ve liked for a while has a boyfriend and I’m not sure how I should cope. I was really upset by it but I realized due to Covid and friend drama between hers and mine, we hadn’t seen eachother in a while. She told me she didn’t like me, but kissed me on multiple occasions. Maybe she was confused. I shouldn’t take it to heart but I am. It’s been a while and people are destined to move on, that’s how I should be looking at this, but I also just want to be sad about it too. This always happens. I think it’s me. I’m not desperate, I’m not always looking for a companion or a partner, but when I find someone who potentially peaks my interests, I’m weird and stupid. I eventually would like to have someone I could be happy with romantically and come home to but it seems like I’m not destined for that. (When I re-write this in my journal I’ll use names but since this is on the Internet I should keep everything anon)

It took me a while to get over my ex. A while. To a certain extent I’m not over her. I feel like if she was the problem I’d be over it, but I was the problem. I was the fuck up, and I think that’s why when someone peaks my interest and I’m on their radar, I fuck up and give too much of myself because I try to be perfect, as oppose to being myself. I don’t want to fuck up like that again. I don’t want to be my partners bad day like I once was. I caused her anguish that I’ll never forgive myself for.

I want to kill myself for multiple reasons, but the main one(s) is that I’ll never accomplish what I want to be. I want to be an artist, I want a loving girlfriend, I want a lot of things. I don’t necessarily want these things now- I can certainly wait and work for them- but I just feel like even if I put my blood, sweat & tears in this I won’t make it, I won’t be able to achieve this, so what’s the point? Why would I want to live a life that I don’t want? Why waist my time, why waste resources? Someone else can live this life and love it- and I’m not gonna envious of them at all, I wish them the best- But if I’m not why do I have to suffer. That’s why I want to die, because there’s no point in living a life you don’t want to live.

People will call me delusional. I have a job that pays basically 30$ an hour and only increases, which is better than most. I live in a 1st world country. There’s a lot of things people will tell me to be thankful for before giving it up- but when I was dealt these cards I didn’t get to pick what hand I wanted. I should be able to forfeit the game if I please. I wish sometimes I had the courage to.

I make myself sound like a depressed simp but I’m not. Obviously killing myself would mean I’d have to say goodbye to my brother and mother which is probably the reason why I don’t. My family is everything. I love them with all my heart, especially my mother. I’m not ready to say bye to her yet. The day I’m ready to say bye to her will be the darkest day of my existence... I hope it never comes.

I don’t want to kill myself, I want to be happy, but I’m picky. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy. I haven’t been happy for years. I haven’t been me for years.

I’m sorry this is a mess. It’s 2am and I’m tired. I just needed this out. Out of my head. I think I’m crazy when I write this stuff but I’m not, this is the rawest form of me in the moment. And here’s my last raw take for the evning: I really wish I wasn’t ugly. I wish I was okay with the way I look.

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