generouspeanutkitty

[generouspeanutkitty]

random stuffs

just want to get all of my soul out before going my bed PRAY FOR A GOOD NIGHT because I literally have a panic attack in the middle of last night and cant fucking sleep! RIP 

I wish that college is easier to choose. LIke it would be more pathetic but but better if i only have 1 choice and i must go to that shcool .then I dont need to be this stressed that having a buch of suicidal thoughts at 2 am and bail my eyes out.i fucking hate that bitch giving false info and forcing me to go to a school of her choice and then said something along with “no pressure” haha duma may . I fucking know shes using her credentials to impact on my stupid mom with no informations and like any other boomers believe everything people said except her daughter that literally gain more value in scholarship than her assets right now. fuck it. 

I feel like giving up but at the same time i cant see myself giving up and be a con rối for my mom, following whatever my mom told me to do. If you dont like my school? give me the same tuition that you would pay that the school you prefer. dont want to? okay imma fucking pay you all of the tuition fees and housings and whatever money that you need to pay except books and insurances and flights because it literally cost the same if I attend other school. ok 

it’s not even 100k im sure I can pay you in less than 15 years. with interest if you want. but then i think imma cut any connection with you because your such a shitty mom and unsupportive with your daughter. 

and yea thats why noone want to live with you mom :) or should i call you Mother then. 

Fuckk stop forcing me and guilt trip me. crying in front of my cant do shit. I can cry too, want a competition? 

Mother stuff aside. I know college stuff is stressed enough. I’m really doubting myself but Im sure im gonna do well no matter what.im an INFP and I follow my ideals, not anyone else. I know im good and capable of many stuffs. A college doesnt matter shit and I genuinely want a good time in college. I want to try and involve in stuffs i like. I want to make friends and create life long connections. Not a type of school that students come and go and so controversial over the value of the school itself. I know what I want and im willing to sacrifice for it. I wont ask for your help. EVER. because I sense that you gonna out it against me anyway. I need people that respect my choice and support me, not downplay me and chửi me like một con chó. no thank you. 

You r making hating the school more. I was genuinely interested in that school until the day you forced it to me and suddenly I hate it so much. I think that just please stay away from my thought process and let me decide myself. Im a grown-up and I’m responsible for any choice I made. If I struggle then it’s my fault. If I thrive then its my accomplishment. I dont want to credit anyone that I dont want to.

[generouspeanutkitty]

What’s the point of studying anymore? It’s too late to change anything and even if I spent all days and nights trying to make up, the change would be so small that the final result would be the same. But I don’t want to regret later so I decided to still do it and see how it goes. Now TOK essay, then I would chill for a bit and then started again on Chem IA and finish it tmr. Sounds like good plan!

[generouspeanutkitty]

Stress and depression

Here are just rants.

I really just realize that I lost all of my study motivation. I just don’t want to do anything, I know I have tons and tons of deadlines piling up but my soul really just doesn’t care. I don’t know why I’m like this. I used to be a very motivated student, love studying, and enjoy being at the top of my class. Now I just do the bare minimum to survive. 

Talking about the motivation for studying, why I study, I realized that it is all the negative things that keep me going. I study because I scare, I’m afraid, I don’t want to be disappointed. I rarely study because of my self, because I want to study. Is it a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t know. Honestly. Yes, I do interested in some fields. But, I dislike spending time to study a lot of knowledge on them and then get tests on. All the fun just disappear. For example, I tried to shift my thinking that I am not studying for Geography, I just read the world news and I remembered them because they are interesting. To be honest, no lie can save me. You have to admit that some are very boring and reading news normally wouldn’t require me to remember exactly the statistic, the name, and a lot of things like study for the case studies. RIght? 

Some teachers simply suck ass. How I am supposed to feel happy when studying? 

I honestly get jealous and confused when they tell me they like studying. Studying just give me depression and nightmares.