gellybearwrites

[gellybearwrites]

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept (via nondualreality)

[gellybearwrites]

Putting on pants while in space

[gellybearwrites]

Sa iyong pagpapalaya

Mag dadal’wang buwan na nang iwan mo ‘ko,

Bitbit ko pa rin ang sakit sa lahat ng sinabi mo.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit mabigat para sakin kumpara sa’yo,

Ngayong alam ko namang, pareho tayong may pagkukulang,

At sa isip ko, mas madami ka namang hindi nagawa at napakaraming beses mo akong sinaktan.

Hindi ko mawari,

Kung bakit ganun na lang kabilis mong binitawan,

Hindi ko matanggap,

Na sa tingin mo puro masamang alaala lang ang aking ibinigay,

Hindi ko maintindihan,

Kung bakit nagpapabiktima ka, pero ang totoo, ikaw eto’ng nanakit.

Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko,

Kaya pa kitang mahalin; kayang isantabi lahat ng pagkakamali mo,

Kahit pa paulit ulit lang ako masaktan.

Bakit ako nagpapakatanga.

Alam ko namang hindi na dapat.

Pinipilit ko ang sarili ko na hindi ka na dapat balikan,

Dahil napagtanto ko na ang tunay kong halaga.

Sa aking pagtulog, mayroon pa ring hapdi,

At sa aking paggising ay naroon pa rin.

Ngunit sa susunod na mga araw, aking panalangi’y unti unti na itong mawawala,

At sa bawat araw, ay kakayanin kong mag - isa.

Dahan dahan rin akong maghihilom at lalakas,

At sa wakas, magiging malaya mula sa ating nakaraan.

[gellybearwrites]

What’s up Tumblr!?

I am back. Took me long before I decided to write again.

The whirlwind that was last year and this year got me caught up in a dozen of things, hence I was unable to write.

My dad died last year. I wasn’t able to take much care of him, because it was the middle of my medical internship. I only got home during the lockdown and then he died two weeks after my siblings and I returned home. 

Nov 2020 PLE. Started reviewing in May, real review started in June, a few weeks after, medical boards was postponed for 2 months. This got me off track. Had difficulty getting back to the grind of reviewing. Self - review was never an easy thing. It’s definitely not for everyone. Kudos to those who gave it their all and passed, no judgment to those who didn’t. Finally got that MD at the end of my name now :)

I went through Pre - residency twice. Had a day of orientation and 3 days of preresidency at my hometown’s public hospital. I never had a doubt about the specialization I chose, but had to brood and realize that the place was not for me. My heart was somewhere else. Tried applying at a military hospital and got in. Now I’m up for military training, which I am superbly excited about.

Looking forward to my journey as a resident, a military doctor and an otorhinolaryngologist, can’t wait to share it with you.

[gellybearwrites]

Island life. Reminds me of Samal

[gellybearwrites]

Stop overthinking.

[gellybearwrites]

Like always

“Sometimes we get sad about things and we don’t like to tell other people that we are sad about them. We like to keep it a secret. Or sometimes, we are sad but we really don’t know why we are sad, so we say we aren’t sad but we really are.”

— Mark Haddon

[gellybearwrites]

I thought I was ready for love, yet here I am tired, and too frustrated to say I love you. I hoped loving you would be easy, given that I waited years for God to let me find you. I thought in the years he let me wait, he was preparing me for you - so that when the magic happens, falling and staying in love would be a piece of cake.

I thought I was ready for commitments, in giving my time, and maybe my life for someone like you. Regret lingers every now and then, because I give it a hundred percent and each night I break a little. A little every day until insidiously, a big piece is shattered.

I finally realize this is difficult. Its about tears and trying to hold on, and trying to move on past the heartache. The most difficult thing being, the decision to choose you over and over and over again despite all the bad and the good and the great and the hurt that happen in between.

As I move past the tears, its faith, hard work, forgiveness and love that do the work. But its that undeniable and wicked thing called love that keeps me.

[gellybearwrites]

I am too tired and I miss you too much.

Simone de Beauvoir (via qvotable)

It says it all.

[gellybearwrites]

Under the same stars, miles apart, souls intertwined, hearts longing.

[gellybearwrites]

I want you to unearth me - uncover my secrets, find out my demons, dig deep into the parts of my soul that I keep from the surface.

My walls are down, what else are you waiting for?

[gellybearwrites]

my instagram

[gellybearwrites]

my instagram

[gellybearwrites]

Hitting me in all the right places.

Sometimes I think the only thing between us that works is light conversation and sex. You’re much too hot-tempered and I’m far too emotionally repressed. If we go too deep you become angry and I fall apart. Tonight—tonight, Christ—we talked. We draped ourselves across the couch and across each other for a while. You sat up. You pushed up against me. You carried me to the bedroom and we could barely undress each other for the incessant desperation of our kisses.

Hours passed. I stared at you, and you stared back. We smiled in the dark. The way we talk during sex, the way your words resonate with comfort and I’m completely at peace, it’s extraordinary. I love the way you collapse onto me, breathless. I love the way you hold my body after. I love the way you smile at me with your eyes closed as I kiss you over and over again. I know you’re afraid of not being enough for me but I will never get enough of you.

—strawberries (excerpt #196) from “Whatever’s in Texas”

[gellybearwrites]

Carrying you.

[gellybearwrites]

You make my heart flutter

[gellybearwrites]

That's the problem with love - even after all those years of brokenness and fitting back working pieces together, the moment 'I still love you' is uttered in whatever iteration (I never stopped, it's always been you, no one comes close) you know you'll start doubting again. And hoping. Hope. God I hate that word. It's the most betraying word. The most insidious of all sentiments. It let's you believe. It let's you think a spark exists even when it's just been ashes from the start and you were gullible enough, hopeful enough, to keep lighting and fanning nonexistent flames. It's not just love. Hope is every where and haunts all other wishes and dreams. Love's just the most volatile, the most easily manipulated variable by hope.

- not bitter, just heavily guarded since