gazingatthevoid

[gazingatthevoid]

[gazingatthevoid]

journal entry

lost souls scenes:

scene i

greeting a long lost friend, a loved one who I havent seen in many years, but everything is so simple. We have a lot of history; most things must remain unsaid.

friend/lover/caregiver: that’s our exit again, we keep passing it. me (the version from when I died, 2021): I know. friend/lovercaregiver: If you know then why are we still driving me (2021): oh my god i forgot! friend/lover/caregiver: lack of concern/ disinterested what did you forget? me (2021): I always keep a lucky cigarette in the glovebox, would you like to share? friend/lover/caregiver: no emotion, straight face, more disinterest. it is very hard to get attention or emotional reactions or reassurance.

im tired of feeling stuck, i feel stuck. a cigarette is nice, but it’s time for something bigger, a shift. something to grab my shoulders and shake me and ugh.

me (2021): i dont know, things seems dont seem so bad? i’m comfortable, are you comfortable? Why cant we both just be comfortable and stable and nothing changes? do i make you feel stuck? i can get out of the car right now if that’s what you want, like i will quite literally just jump out and walk away. voice is getting unnecessarily loud, and agitation and frustration starts to build in my chest.

*deep breath*

hmm..

i feel lost, like i’m not going somewhere, im not doing something i just feel empty and confused. i think that’s my way of coping with the relentless and overwhelming change and choas of just being alive.

*rhetorical* how much of our memory lingers after a loss? when is it useful? when it surfaces how can i savor it?

friend/lover/caregiver: you know we dont know each other well at all. i cant help you with these thoughts. please dont jump out of the car? why would you even say that..

me (2021): feeling like a dumb bitch.

me (2022)- character notes: she does not seem to know how to really sit with things, everything appears stressful and important to her. she tries to help people but it falls flat or is downright harmful, she fails to enjoy the beauty and joy in the world. for this reason: sex, drugs, desire, pleasures appeal strongly. she has a problem with following her whims, especially during moments of crisis

they are both still in the car, resigned to their fate, but restless

me (2013-2023): BOREDOM. I’m tired of the monotony. every car, sign, and light is blurring together for me, your company as well. i’m getting a migraine. it’s not that painful yet but i do feel it right behind my eyes, just sitting there, aching. i feel like it’s threatening to get worse, to hurt me. are you upset with me? ive been thinking about the things you said last week, im not sure if you remember.

friend/lover/caregiver: deep sighh i do not want to be here with you anymore. if i had any agency over the situation i would leave. do you understand that? I am only here with you because i have no other options.

scene iii

me (clinically depressed, addicted to nigotine and sex still, attempts to pray and fast and worship and organize. they do not come naturally, it is hard work. everyday is hard work).

me (non static, present, in motion): *lights cigarette and takes a drag nice and slow. *pause* friend/lover/caregiver: I would like a drag. me (non static, present, in motion): *silently hands the cigarette over while noticing the breathing, facial expression and other small details of the other person. these things are important to establish safety in any given moment. allegedly. friend/lover/caregiver: I always lvoe the open road. me (non static, present, in motion): cars are terrifying! friend/lover/caregiver: please dont interrupt me. I hate that. It makes me not want to talk to you. me (non static, present, in motion): attempting to regain composure and not get upset which would just make the situation worse. i got excited, but im listening, please continue friend/lover/caregiver: *loud sigh, deep breath* okay. me (non static, present, in motion): smiles with satisfaction, disaster was adverted. friend/lover/caregiver: I connect with the car, I feel it is an extension of myself, like an appendages that makes me powerful and extends my awareness. on the open road I can engage fully with this awareness without distraction, it calms me.

In a car, we are free, we can go anywhere we want. it’s this balance between wanting to go to leave, but being so at peace in the comfort of the car I never want to stop. and that’s true. I never want to stop, to disrupt the balance. change isnt really change if you’re moving between static places. It is, but the anxiety of it dissipates. that’s all i ever wanted really, to finally be still

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chicago

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