gaylortould

[gaylortould]

I need poetry

(this is a quick note I woke up in the middle of the night to get in my phone before drifting back to dreamland)

I need poetry. 

I need its gentle rhythm and often subtle rhyme.

The cadence that comforts and confronts.

The images created: birthed like a phoenix from the ashy limits of our verbal language to spread its wings into the fullness of abstract thought and indescribable.

Poetry discovers depths unreachable through our daily pleasantries: it connects experiences and builds understandings

It saves lives and sets afire purpose.

Poetry heals. 

[gaylortould]

I’m new to the tumblr world!

Hello! I’ve been told a time or two that I should write a book, but knowing my attention span, I thought I should give tumblr a try first. 

If you met me in person, you might assume I did the tumblr thing in middle school and high school, but I started on the darker sides of the internet and am excited that at 29, I get to dip my toes into this beautiful world.

So here’s my sell that you should read my book:

I’m a former pastor, current professional baker, formerly married to a man but now out as my full lesbian self. My mom died by suicide, I’ve survived a world and a half, and I want my stories to help others find wholeness.

I grew up in a town of 700 in Iowa. My mother was an alcoholic with narcissistic tendencies, and my parents brought me up in the United Methodist Church (as in, we had keys to the building and were there 5/7 days of the week). It was a moderate/progressive small town church, and they fostered some great leadership skills in me. Long story short (trust me, I’ll be unpacking these stories along the way), I became a pastor.

While in seminary, I came out to my mom as pansexual. Her response? “me too!” A year later, she called me telling me that she was leaving my dad for her best friend. A year after that, she took her own life. I carry with me a ton of pain both from her life and her death, and I’m incredibly thankful for my support systems along the way. This whole time, I had been dating a man that I still consider my best friend, so when seminary was coming to an end and I had no form of stability coming into my life, I proposed marriage so we could navigate life together. I deeply loved him, but had never asked myself what I want/need/am attracted to in a significant other.

We moved to the PNW together and have been building community out here the last 4.5 years. This last year, in the midst of the pandemic and the 5 year anniversary of my mother’s death, I reached burnout in my ministry life and reached a new level of suicidality that I had never felt before. I quit my job, planned a trip to France, but first, went on a shorter trip to Nashville. While there, I had a whirlwind of a week with an incredible woman who was the first to ask me what it meant to me to be attracted to men and women. I could not come up with an answer for the men part, but had a huge list for women and NBs. That’s when I realized I may be a lesbian. I came home, told my husband on our 7 year dating anniversary, and we began sorting out what separation would look like. 

It’s been a journey the last year, but I am on the up and up. I have so many more self care tools in my toolbox, I have deeper honesty with myself and the world, and I have so much more hope for the future.

I’m looking forward to sharing my journey and my unpacking of the past with this corner of the internet!