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Yeah he's fucked

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I made this so now all y'all have to look at it.

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New Character Unlocked: Kit!

She is the main character of a new game I’m working on called Who Killed Arthur?

Who Killed Arthur? is a whimsical murder mystery game about a young girl named Kit who is trying to unravel the disappearance of her grandparent’s beloved cat, Arthur. Employing the help of Atom Bomb, a feline detective looking for his next big break, and her newfound ability to talk to animals, Kit must search for clues, make new friends, and travel through the Animal Kingdom to find out the truth behind Arthur’s sudden vanishing.

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I don’t know how we’re letting trump get away with all this shit when I truly believe that if you threw a blanket over his head he would think it was nighttime and go to sleep like a bird

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I love every fucking part of this.

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"I never thought he'd take us back to 1929," sobs woman who thought she was only voting for someone who'd take us back to 1950

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legitimately my first feminist awakening as a ten year old child was realizing that girls were expected to respect “boy stuff” but boys were never expected to respect “girl stuff”

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Do you think urban fantasy settings have porn discourse? Like all the races have different ideas of what they find appealing and how it should be presented. Drarves mostly write erotic literature in runes and you would not believe how slow burn that shit can get. You're five volumes in before the two main characters figure out each others' genders and realise that they may be attracted to each other.

Orcs don't really do narrative arts, they figured out advanced chemistry before writing, and they manufacture perfumes specifically meant to mimic the scent of an orc in heat and then jack off to the smell. Having an orc roommate in college is unbearable.

Gnome porn is unspeakable. Do not speak of gnome porn.

Elvish porn, regardless of media type, features more humans than the uninitiated would expect. This is largely because elvish mating customs are just as slow-paced as those of dwarves, so the myth of humans as wildly promiscuous hypersexual turbosluts is somewhat based in reality: the culture shock that elves often encounter in mixed relationships, where the human partner whom they have been appropriately courting in a perfectly respectable way all of a sudden throws all propriety in the wind and goes "hey we've been together for ten years, do you want to see my tits while they're still this good?"

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I had a really bad migraine last night, but I've run out of everything except these hungarian pain killers my dad gave me 9 years ago, anyway I don't remember anything and I can't feel my tongue and the only thing in my search history is this

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Honestly bizarre that tomatoes get all the flack for “not being a vegetable” because they're technically a fruit when:

A) There are a ton of fruits that get categorised as vegetables. Like this also applies to pumpkins, squashes and cucumbers.

B) The fucking mushrooms are standing there at the back of the crowd in this witch trial, trying to look inconspicuous because they somehow got into the vegetable club with no fucking controversy despite the fact that they're not even plants.

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advice i think we should tell children is that when adults say stuff like ‘now that i’m an adult i get really excited about stuff like coffee tables and bathrooms and rugs etc’ they don’t mean ‘and now i don’t care about blorbo and squimbus from my childhood tv shows anymore’ bc your average adult still loves all the same pop culture stuff they always did; they just have a greater appreciation for the mundane as well. growing up just means you can enjoy life twice as much now. you can get really excited about a new stuffed animal AND about a new kitchen sponge. peace and love

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Bug lady

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Imagine hearing this behind the bush and you thought its a cat 💀💀

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Let’s Have Another Bullet Point Story, Courtesy of a Friend

So I have a friend that used to be in the tumblers troupe at the renfaire as a contortionist

We were chatting online and she told me to tell you all this story.

I love Kat dearly

but she forgets that she’s stupid strong and hypermobile

so one day she throws her back out

bad enough that she needed painkillers and couldn’t stand upright

“But also I needed Tampons and like.  A Burrito, real bad.”

she’s flat on her back in her apartment when she decides this

and, in an

impeccable

leap of reasoning, decides

“I can’t roll my back forward to sit/stand up like normal.

But I can ARCH my back just fine.

SO 

I’m going to do that and get on my hands and feet in a stomach-in-the-air this-shit-belongs-in-a-horror-movie-type pose,

And amble on down to the 7-11”

“And get me that Burrito”

It is, 

for context, 

after midnight in July during a wildfire so it’s hot as satan’s own asshole and the moon is red and shit’s already generally cursed.

Imagineyou are some poor sap working nights at the world’s deadest 7-11, and you hear the door jangle but you don’t see anyone’s head over the counters.

Whatever.

Except you keep hearing noises like there’s someone in the next aisle over.  

Fucking around in the burrito section

It’s also worth mentioning that Kat

1. sings whatever earworm is currently running through her head when she’s not paying attention

2. sounds EXACTLY like some kind of creepy child from a horror movie when doing so

tonight’s song is something from veggietales.

DUDE ACTUALLY STANDS HIS GROUND

and/or is really fucking high and isn’t sure if he’s tripping balls or notanyway

Kat goes up to pay for her burrito and tampons

She realizes the counter presents something of a challenge, and then demonstrates for me on her kitchen table at 4AM during a different july wildfire, 

exactly 

how she used the shelves to climb up the counter 

like one of the boston robotics beasties

dude stares at her for like, five minutes and says.

“Register’s broke.”

“Oh No!” Says Kat. “Just Take ‘em.” “Really?  I can leave cash-you don’t have to give me change I don’t want you to get in trouble with your manager.” “…Nah.” “Oh!  OK!  Thank you!” “Yeah ok bye.”

Shortly after she arrived back at the apartment, she got a text on her phone from the campus security about  "A Suspicious Individual” at tle 7-11. 

It took her 

FOUR

FUCKING 

YEARS

 to realize she was the suspicious individual

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star trek tos au where all the uniform boots look like this