gautesque

[gautesque]

As expected, I forgot about this the second I started it up. Maybe it’s because I mentioned talking about myself -- about the Gautier name and legacy. I’ve spent how long trying to avoid its curse, now? Seems like just one more thing to not take responsibility for. 

Gautier. Gautier. Gautier. 

I feel it like a weight on my chest, a noose on my neck. Even at war, I think about it. Claude says he wants to reshape all of Fodlan. I have to keep trusting in that image, lest the noose get tighter. Gautier might be Kingdom territory now, but when the Kingdom and the Empire are gone, the duty falls back to me. The idea of surviving this, only to become breeding fodder for the next legacy, makes my stomach turn. 

The thought has only gotten worse with nothing to distract me. Even my favorite books are about becrested heroes and their brilliant bloodlines. Starting to worry that the time I spend with Felix is coming too frequently. He’s bound to get tired of me sooner or later, and the safe harbor from my own thoughts will disappear with him. 

At least that’s something more pressing to worry about. I don’t know that Felix will leave, not after everything we’ve said to each other, but the fact that he could... 

The fear all comes back to the same spot, even if the paths diverge. I’ve got too used to having a warm bed. Going back to the cold seems like a death sentence. 

SJG

[gautesque]

P.S. 

Byleth offered to bring me sweets. 

[gautesque]

Said I would talk about “Gautier” but that’s not a conversation I want to have tonight, even with myself. Today was a good day. I want to keep it that way. Nothing important to report.

Even if there was, I wouldn’t need to. Because this isn’t a journal. And even if it was, I’m tired, and Felix is too warm to not curl up with. 

Tomorrow.

[gautesque]

I told myself I wouldn’t take up this habit, but after driving myself half-mad over things I couldn’t say, maybe I should tuck it all away somewhere. And there’s lots of things I don’t know what to say right now. 

I just won’t put a date on it. Then it’s not a diary, but an aimless record of Sylvain Jose Gautier. 

Every day is a slow crawl anymore. The walls of the infirmary don’t change, and neither do the faces. Manuela comes in to change my bandages. Says I’m healing up fine. She’s been helping me with standing up and moving around -- should be able to get up and move to my room tomorrow. At least then I’ll be able to talk to other people, even if I can’t leave the dorm itself. 

Trying to not balk at the idea of being under such close guard. Can’t blame Claude for it -- I’m the flight risk now. Not that I’m planning on doing it again. Seeing the way Felix and Byleth looked at me... 

I haven’t seen her much since then. She seemed surprised at Felix and I. Have to hope it didn’t upset her. Doubt she was that attached to me, but I still... Worry. I didn’t think we were anything but casual, but... It’s me talking. Been wrong about this kind of thing before. I should talk to her about it. 

and Felix. Felix. Always been my best friend. Always been my closest ally. This is something new, though. I said I loved him. I still question it. Not that I love him, but how I love him. He’s my best friend, it’s natural to love that person. But is it more than that? Does he think it’s more than that.

Do I want it to be more than that? 

I already hate this. It’s giving me a headache. That or it’s Manuela’s perfume. She’ll probably be around soon to check on me, so I oughta wrap this up. 

-SJG 

*Reminder to do some deep thinking about the name Gautier tomorrow.