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When I was seven years old, someone gave me a picture bible for my birthday. And I remember asking going to my mom’s room and asking her to read them to me.
And I remember this particular story. I have a vivid imagination so at that time, I could imagine the scene based on the picture on the bible of Moses on a hill with his staff raising to high heavens and an army fighting in the background. Now I realized what an important story it is that it was included in a bible for children.
There are a few insights I got from this bible passage.
1) Teamwork
In this story, we have 4 major characters. Moses, Aaron, Hur and Joshua. Moses we all know who he is. Aaron is the brother of Moses. Hur and Joshua were both assistants of Moses. Joshua would eventually become the leader of the Israelites after Moses dies.
Applying it to modern life, this is a good example of teamwork with God in the center of it. Joshua was doing the fighting or the work, Moses was doing the praying and Aaron and Hur were helping him. Without Moses doing the praying, Joshua would not have won the defeated the enemies. Without Aaron and Hur, Moses wouldn’t have survived the whole day with his hands raised. And without the strength of Joshua, the Israelites would have been eaten up Amalekites.
The fifth major character were the Amalekites who have come to symbolize the enemy. In Jewish tradition, they were sorcerers who could transform themselves into animals. To some beliefs, they come to represent aetheism or the rejection of God.
So if I’m going to apply it to Intergen, this defeat of the Amalekites is spiritual warfare. Here is the enemy, the antichrist, who keeps attacking us. In terms of teamwork, each one of us has a role to play to fight the enemy.
2) Community
Given the spiritual warfare we are always in, this passage shows how important community is. A community who believes in the same thing, which is to honor God above all. And to fight the enemy who is against God and is always trying to destroy our souls to hurt Him.
We are only humans, while the enemy were once angels and have God-given powers, meaning they are far more superior than us. Most of the time we need other people to help us fight the enemy. Sometimes in our human frailties, we need people to pray for us while we are busy on the battleground.
3) Suffering
Yesterday we were doing counseling for our two employees. They were supervisors and were feeling burnt out from the two month ecq where they were the frontliners in housekeeping. It was there I saw the reality of the effects of the pandemic. Those who were really out there, keeping our society going.
For some reason, I started thinking of our bible passage. And what came to my mind was, what if all we need to do is raise our hands to heaven the way Moses did. Never putting it down until sunset and until the battle was won.
It’s not a literal praying the whole day with our hands raised, but a symbolical suffering our way through it.
This is probably why most of the homilies, seminars and talks were about suffering. Because we have to suffer to survive this. Not as a penance but because we are at war.
I hear people rue the virus, get angry at it, curse it and literally lose their heads over it. And I thought of it as Teddy my dog, barking when the thunder rolls. He’s a dog. He’s allowed to bark at the sound. Getting angry at the virus is like getting angry at the thunder. It’s a waste of energy.
We are at war. It’s already happening. It’s reality. Let’s just spend our energy in the virtue of suffering. Continue praying, continue believing, continue trusting that it will be over soon. we just keep our hands raised up and by sundown, we can soon rest.
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I have to confess I have never really understood praise and worship. Not in a misunderstood way but I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to begin, how to proceed. Nothing. If you ask me to do praise and worship, I will draw a blank.
I think it’s because, in my old unchristian, judgmental, cynical self, I was allergic to the phrase: Praise the Lord. I thought of these as empty words. Not really attributed to God.
I know that there are 4 parts to a prayer. I’m good at all three, but the praising part is where I am having trouble with.
Gratitude, I am good at gratitude. I always say thank you for everything, even the little things, even those that don’t go into fruition.
I am also very good at asking for forgiveness. Those are the two staples in my prayers, thank you and forgive me.
Supplications or intentions are also easy for. Easy for everyone, I think. There is always something to ask for.
So praising. I’m good at praising people, I can focus on the good and always tell people that.
But how do you praise a Creator who is perfect? You will run out of words and adjectives.
So now I’m going to try and write a praise poem to our Lord.
It is called As I Bike
Praise the Lord for making us creative, just like Him.
In our little way, we created this machine called Bicycle that does more good than harm.
It makes us go far using the very strength He gave us.
Praise the Lord that it is so easy to bike now.
Less cars on the road, less rush to be somewhere, it has become a biker’s world out there.
Praise the Lord because it has made people in cars nicer.
There are less angry drivers who are quick on their horn.
And more drivers who let you pass seeing you struggling to balance your bike because you have slowed down.
Praise the Lord because I have always dreamt of walking along that riverside just in front of our building.
For some reason I just felt shy to go there..
Now, with a bike, I am always there as my last lap, enjoying the breeze and the colors of the sky when it is dusk.
Praise the Lord because that was the best influence on me. Well the second best.
I am known as this person who is too lazy to exercise. Just thinking about moving tires me.
The same way that I was known as a person who is an agnostic. Who will never go to church, never be caught praying, never talked about God.
Praise the Lord because here I am now, a completely remorseful person for wasting so much of my life staying away from God.
And praise the Lord because I cannot get enough of biking now. I go places I never thought I would see up close.
Praise the Lord because there is something I am doing in my life that is positive.
Praise the Lord for all His kindness, His love, His fatherly care for us.
And Praise Him, because I was able to do this.
Another discovery for me.
Because as it was said in the Bible, I can do all things through [a]Christ who strengthens me.
Praise be Jesus Christ forever and ever. Amen.
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When I first read our passage, my first thought was, did I get it right? And then, when I was certain it was right, how do I reflect on this? Until I realized this is about forgiveness and the depth of forgiveness.
Saul, as we know, near the end of his life, hated David so much to the point he had ordered his death. So, this story is a tale of mercy on the grandson of your archenemy.
I did get the passage wrong in the beginning. I was first led to the story of how David learned about the death of Saul.
The dynamic of the relationship between Saul and David had always interested me. Saul was a very curious character for me. He was a modern day hero. A noir character. With his goodness and dark side clashing inside him. He was a kind man, I’m sure. He was God’s chosen King, like David was, like Solomon would be later on.
But someone told me that Saul was ill-equipped to become a leader because nobody was guiding him. He was, after all, the first king of Israel. So, yes he was God’s chosen, and he was a war hero. But he was full of insecurities. To the point he would have depressions and often experienced melancholy.
How modern day is that, the moody and dark king of Israel.
Then comes this dashing, young, baby faced David who was wowing the Israelites.
In the beginning, he was so enamored of David. He became his mentor. David even became super best friends with his son Jonathan. Jonathan’s death was King David’s deepest, deepest heartbreak.
But the mentee surpasses the mentor. And the resentments came in.
So from friendship, Saul wanted David killed.
Still, David had so much love for Saul. In one story he could have killed Saul already but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
And now this story about David and Saul’s grandson, Mephibosheth.
I suppose this is how great a leader David is. Better than that, this is how great a person he is. So no wonder he was so loved by his people. His capacity for compassion is so deep.
Don’t be afraid,” David said to him, “for I will surely show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all the land that belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will always eat at my table.”
If you look at the Bible, it is replete with stories of revenge, of avenging for generations to come. And here is David being compassionate and showing honor to Saul’s grandson.
Because I read a lot, it’s easy for me to imagine the scenes in my head, and to add more subtexts to them. I think that’s what it meant to meditate.
When I read this passage, I saw Israel in post- turmoil. They were in a period of war, and Saul and Jonathan had been killed. Perhaps in this scene, they were trying to sift through the rubble of the war and putting order. Maybe David was in the exact same room he used to spend better days with Saul. Maybe he felt nostalgic for those days, and for Jonathan, his bestest friend in the world. And so in memory, he sought out a living relative of his friend.
Seeing Mephibosheth, reminded him of his friend, Jonathan and his mentor Saul. And he had forgotten all the animosity he had with the boy’s grandfather.
All he could feel was the love. This passage is about compassion and this is also about friendship.
When the rubble cleared, what remained was love.
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The line that struck me the most in this passage is: My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?
This afternoon my friend whom I met in Intergen, a batchmate of mine when we were candidates, texted me. She is asking for prayers because she tested positive for Covid-19 and her oxygen level is below normal. Even from her text I could sense her worry. She’s scared to go to the hospital and she’s been sick for 10 days. I was in a good mood before she texted. But my demeanor crashed when I talked to her on text.
I could sense she is very worried because she kept saying to pray for her, that she knows I pray a lot so please pray for her. I was worried for her. I was worried for how she is feeling. I can feel her fear, how scared she is of going to the hospital, and also how she is fearing for her life. I wish I could do more than pray. Ease her fears, talk to her when panic arises. She had been trying to setup a catch up zoom with me so many times. But that was the time I was carrying so much load for Intergen, so I kept canceling. I had been feeling guilty about that.
But then prayer is the best thing I can do, pray that the meds would work miraculously and heal her.
Again, mortality weighs heavily on my mind. I don’t know if I am a pessimist or a realist, but I always think of death. Not as a fascination but wondering when it will happen to me. Long, long ago, because I know I abuse my body by pushing it to the limit, I would always be surprised that I’m still alive when I wake up.
I also wonder about other people’s death. I would wonder if I am prepared should they die. How I will deal with their loss.
I don’t know the statistics but at almost 46, I have lost so many friends and loved ones to death. So it’s very real for me. Very vivid. Some from lingering illnesses, some in the blink of an eye.
One of my favorite talks by Fr. Larry was the first one he gave for our Prayer Circle Hour. The one about how we shouldn’t worry about the illnesses of our body but rather the illnesses of our soul.
It would always reverberate in my head when I think of mortality, my own and others. I would hold onto it, worry for my soul more than about covid or other fatal illnesses. I would think I should be more prepared for after life. Nobody knows when we will die. It’s really a thief in the night. I could croak anytime. I could croak right now. Am I ready?
I know I’ve been doing some things to purify my soul. But of course I’m still a sinner. I know I have a gone a long way since I went back to God, but I still fail Him lots of times. I don’t do enough. Sometimes the most I could do was be still, just so I wouldn’t commit anymore sin.
Right now, God is the most important aspect of my life. The most important. Everything else are just fillers until the time comes. There is no one I would like to please more than Him.
I want to go to heaven. Not because I’m afraid of hell, or because heaven is heaven. I want to meet God. I want that when I see Him, He is smiling at me. Proud of me. Because I did good.
I think of the parable of talents, how a master gave his servants pieces of his property because he was going away. The first servant was able to double the five pieces of coin his master gave him.
I want to be that servant. I want that I was able to double what He gave me. And I want Him to say, good job. When the time comes.
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In a nutshell, this passage is about holding on for me, that if we only hold on despite the trials, we will soon see the glory of Jesus Christ.
A few years ago, I attended a talk of Fr. Syquia. The audio was bad but I got one lasting sentence from it: God doesn’t like siguristas.
At that time, I applied it in terms of occultism. How we loved believing in superstition, in paganistic beliefs, in the horoscope, in what will bring luck. We have a Sto. Nino in our altar and beside it is the feng shui waving cat. We have so much devotion to Mama Mary and yet we say, wala naman mawawala kung susundin mo.
This behavior is being sigurista. We want to make sure we have covered all the bases. So we throw in all kinds of beliefs just to cushion us so no bad luck, or what should be called hardships, will happen.
God hates siguristas because 1) occultism breaks the first very commandment: You shall not have other gods before Me. And 2) this shows how we lack faith in Him.
How can you completely surrender your whole life to Him if there’s a safety net? How can you say you are really a disciple of Jesus when you have others gods? And how do you prove yourself worthy of His glory if you don’t allow things to happen to you?
It is Thursday today as I am writing this, I am in a good mood even though my rhinitis is still badly pestering me. And I’m thinking about this quarantine, how, if I think about it, I’m actually not that bothered by it. I should be. Our family business from which I get my allowance isn’t doing that well. It’s like I had a 50% salary cut. My tenant just moved out, the proceeds of which I use to pay for the car I bought early this year. But I’m not that freaking out.
In business, sigurista is a very good character trait. Being sigurista is being conservative. And I was a very sigurista businessperson. I think I also applied that discipline in my life. I became very sigurista as a person as well. Everything was careful, everything was anticipated, every problem had to be nipped in the bud before it becomes too problematic, everything had to be controlled.
Until one day, all that neatly organized, obsessive compulsive sigurista life became pointless.
When the lockdown was first announced I, if I can be honest, liked it. Our world has become too complicated, it needs to shut down. It needed to go back to basic, it needed to go back to its roots.
It became pretty lonely for a time but then something always comes up and it’s going to be ok again. I would get depressed, I would freak out, I would get angry. I would sometimes worry myself silly deep into the night. But all in all, I’m more contented than any of those combined.
Before this pandemic, I kept praying for something, and no matter what, no matter how I pray for it everyday, nothings happens. It was the same stress day in and day out. And as much as I wanted to get out of it, I didn’t know how. During one of my prayers, I realized or maybe the Holy Spirit whispered to me, don’t you still get it? You never have to ask for anything for yourself because God always gives you what you need even without asking. And it’s true, He really does.
I remember when I was much younger, when I was more innocent and less arrogant, I never prayed for myself. I always prayed for other people. My belief was He will just give me what I need when I need it.
I’ve gone back to that old self, now the only thing I pray for myself is forgiveness for the day’s trespasses.
Still I experience trials. I experience tremendous trials. Sometimes my trials are so farfetched, my shrink would say, hay sharmaine, the things you get yourself into.
When I experience these trials, now, I let it happen. I accept it, I take it in, I live through the question, as one poet would say.
It’s hard to swallow sometimes. I clench my fist sometimes. But I would offer it to Him. Give these sufferings virtue. I just need to hold on.
When the time comes I want to go to heaven. I want to meet God. I want to, as the passage lyrically explained, rejoice in the glory of being with God.
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When they prayed to Mama Mary to comfort the families who lost a loved one because of Covid-19, in my mind I imagined her hugging the house. That image gave me peace.
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Dark Night of the soul
A week ago, I experienced this debilitating existential crisis. I still called it existential crisis because I was more into philosophy in my younger days as opposed to still learning more about God today.
I am 45, turning 46 next month, and although I grew up Catholic, I rejected the church because I thought I was an artist. That was my role in life, to propagate art in my life.
So, I called it existential crisis.
I wasn’t depressed, more of melancholic, that I don’t find anything enjoyable in life. I had so many questions. I was starting to doubt the nature of kindness. I was always being disappointed by people.
These days, I value God more than anything. I value my prayer life, my religious discipline, my service to Him. In my younger, more arrogant self, He was the least of my priorities. I acknowledged His existence. I acknowledged that He created me and that He is our God. But He was way down the food chain.
A few days later I received the Daily Divine Mercy Reflections email. It’s different from the Gospel reflections, which I get by the bulk. I figured, this is rarer, so this was what I subscribed to.
For that day, it talked about how holy people would experience an interior darkness of the soul. Here it explained that while most of the time we experience a sense of peace when with God, when praying, when attending mass, sometimes God disappears, hides Himself. This is to test your love for Him. Do you pray only to attain peace? Do you love Him so He will love you? Or do you simply love Him no matter what? Even when you cannot feel Him, even when it gets confusing.
My existential crisis waned by late afternoon. When evening came it completely disappeared and I am ok again.
That night, someone messaged me – one of community members in HMHS who has been kind to me ever since I taught her how to use zoom. It turned out she was a former nun and she mentioned about the dark night of the soul. I’ve heard that phrase before, it sounded so poetic, so deep, but I didn’t really know what it was. The next day I decided to read about it.
The Dark Night of the Soul is a poem written by St. John of the Cross (funny how in Spanish, it translates to Juan de la Cruz, which in the Philippines means the communal Filipino).
In a way it is a spiritual crisis, brought on, not by the hardships of life. Or, truth be told, it is not brought on by anything. It just simply happens. It is a point where you feel your trust in God is slipping, all of a sudden you are not to sure.
St. Faustina experienced this, which she wrote in her diary, from which the interior darkness of the soul was based on. St. Teresa of Calcutta experienced it from 1948 until her death in 1997. St. Theresa of the Child Jesus had full of doubts about eternal life but held onto faith by deepening her further faith.
I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is the dark night of my soul. I am nowhere near the saints mentioned but I can understand how they feel.
It’s so hard, to hold onto that goodness in you. Sometimes it’s hard to keep praying, to keep having conversations with someone who isn’t physically present. And it can get lonely.
But it’s nice that I got to understand that our soul goes through a darkness. It’s not that we are slipping into the dark side, it’s not that we are turning away from God. It simply just happens. These are the realities of life.
Sometimes I feel like a child who have discovered something for the first time. I have so many questions in my head. I seek to understand it.
I’m ok for now. It just happened one morning. But now I know this will always be part of my journey.
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After rosary, I pray the St. Michael the Archangel prayer. I pray this religiously because I always remember how it was written and why. Pope Leo XIII during the late 19th century was said to have heard Jesus and Satan talking during mass. The devil was telling Jesus that he could destroy the church. Jesus agreed and gave the devil time and power to wreak havoc on earth. Nobody really knows the exact story but what was certain is Pope Leo VIII was very disturbed by his vision, and so he wrote this prayer immediately after.
I don’t know where I heard this but it was also said that the intention was to see how many souls the devil will be able to drag down to hell. And this is why there is so much chaos, war, hunger, plagues and unspeakable crimes in the 20th and 21st century.
But the saving grace for this was after that period of time, the devil will leave humanity alone and go back to hell and peace will once again reign in our world.
When a Messiah was promised in the old Scriptures, it took so many centuries for it to be fulfilled. So many generations passed before He was finally born in a manger in Bethlehem. Now we keep waiting for the second coming of Jesus. We keep looking for the promised signs because we will know when it will happen, the way we know when a season is coming. There are changes in the air.
I often wonder a lot lately if this is it. If the time has come for Jesus to come back. When the Scriptures promised the Messiah, nobody expected it to be a poor carpenter from Nazareth. They all thought He would be a warrior, a heroic figure, the one who will save them from their earthly enemies. Instead, Jesus was a peace-loving, humble, uneducated, penniless teacher, who went from town to town, preaching the Good News.
So I also expect that when Jesus comes back, it won’t be as we had anticipated. The way nobody anticipated Covid-19. The way nobody anticipated it will change our lives.
When I read this passage, I remembered that promise by God that after the chaos peace will soon reign. When I read this passage it made me feel hope again. I thought, a promise is a promise, God never breaks His promise. Never. So I am looking forward to that peace that He promises. I look forward to how: verse 1 The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
I don’t know if it will happen in our time, if we will still be alive to see it. Sometimes I can feel Simeon, who was by the told Holy Spirit that he will not die before he had seen Jesus. I, too don’t want to die yet until I see peace reign over our world. I am a child of my time, full of chaos and selfishness. I have rejected the church but came crawling back when I realized I am no one, a nothing without God.
During my darkest times and I would be praying and seeking for answers, the thoughts that would perennially come into my head are: carry your cross, just stay on, just hold on, obey me.
I’d like to believe I will see this peace. Or that it will happen soon. Not necessarily in our time, but a promise is a promise. Peace will really come.
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When I first read this passage before, my first thought was, grabe talaga yun ibang tao no? Walang konsensya. Sila pinagbigyan ng boss nila, tapos sila hindi marunong maging considerate.
Which is true. You hear stories like this in real life. The landlord who was given a chance by the bank to amend his loan but then evicts his tenant for not paying. Or an employee who has vale from his employer pero grabe makasingil sa may utang sa kanya.
Then it hit me, oo nga no? This is exactly what forgiveness is about. And I was amazed at how Jesus would use storytelling as a way for us to understand the word of God.
Last week, the theme of our bible reflection was about humility. And I said that, next to humility, one of our pitfalls is forgiveness. How many candidates and even members find it so hard to forgive the people who have hurt them?
Personally, and not because I am a holy person, I tend to forgive easily. Most of the time it’s because I don’t like the feeling of being angry at someone. I palpitate, I become cranky, I’m no fun to be with. And if it’s someone close to my heart, after a while I miss the person. So I usually do the reaching out first. Sometimes my mind would tell me, so ano ka ngayon? Enabler? Teach them a lesson, hindi yun puro ikaw lang ang give in ng give in. When my mind becomes like that, I fight it off by saying, bahala na si God sa kanila. They are accountable to God, not me. Sila naman yun pupunta sa hell kung ayaw nila magbago.
Another reason I forgive easily is death. I didn’t know the impact of the death of Fr. Larry on me until the reality of covid was getting closer and closer to my shores. And I would have fights with people, exasperating, paulit ulit, masakit, iniiiyakan. But then I would think, what if I die, what if that person dies, what if something happens. That would haunt me for the rest of my life, to have someone die on me without peace between us. And it’s true for me because two people have died in my life where there was conflict. One was suicide and the other was a business partner. I don’t want that to happen anymore, especially during these covid times.
Still, for me it is so easy to forgive the people I love because I already love them.
And then I am reminded me of the story of Cherry Pie Picache who forgave the killer of her mom. I didn’t get to watch the documentary but I heard her being interviewed on ANC. And I was so awed by what she did. And I tried to think what if that happened to me. This is not someone I love, this is not even someone I really know. This is someone who killed my loved one. And there’s the rub, will I be able to forgive as Cherry Pie forgave?
When I wactched that interview, napaisip talaga ako. What would I do? I imagined being in heaven and then seeing the killer in heaven also. Even then I felt the injustice. You are a killer, why are you in heaven with me. You caused me so much anguish, why are you now acting like all is forgiven? Even by just imagining it, I felt the injustice. He should be taught a lesson. He should be punished. He should go to hell for this.
So going back to the parable, am I sinless? Am I so pure that God has nothing to forgive about me? And even in that vengeful mindframe, I don’t think I will even go to heaven because of that alone.
I am not a killer but I have disappointed God so many, so many times. And yet each time I go back to Him, I feel Him embracing me, welcoming me, forgiving me. I know each day I have these sins that I didn’t know about. And yet I pray at night and I ask for forgiveness and I am confident in my prayer knowing I am forgiven.
But there’s the rub.
Should I face a situation where there is someone who would cause me so much anguish, just like with Cherry Pie, how do I forgive?
I will try to remember this parable. Am I so sinless that I, myself, cannot forgive, as I am forgiven? Easier said than done. But I will try to remember this parable.
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Galatians 6:1-10
Doing Good to All
6 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load. 6 Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor.
7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
There was a time I felt I could stand in front of God and say I have done everything You asked of us. I have purged myself of impurities. I don’t say it with arrogance because it was a very tough thing to do. To die to yourself. To carry your cross. To accept things. I have denied anger. I have denied modern romanticism. I have denied greed, inability to forgive. Not lust, I was never a lustful person. I think the only thing left was envy, because I cannot stop buying things. And it came from social media advertising envy.
I felt like I was a soldier, training for battle. And I had to toughen up my feelings.
Or a sinner who turned hermetic, in some fashion. I love people, I care for people. But not intimately.
Since we started this bible sharing, my reflections always touched on how this quarantined made me feel things I haven’t felt in a while. I became soft. What was once a sinful act for me, I find myself wondering, how is it a sin? It was such a beautiful feeling but yet it isn’t allowed in the eyes of God and man. And I would wonder why God allowed these things to happen? Is it all just freewill? That you should always say no? No, because that is a sin. But I would wonder, how is it a sin if it brings such tender and beautiful feelings? Someone who failed in the first marriage and found a healthier relationship with another one. Someone who by chance met someone while married, and fell in love not completely by choice. All these things that by law of the scripture isn’t allowed.
I don’t know if this is the right thing to feel. Before my thoughts would be, it has to be corrected. But now, I am understanding it. I have more empathy. I would feel sad even. The way Jesus cried over the death of his friend Lazarus. Crying because it was so human.
It’s not as if these people are using these people or murdering or even raping. It was simply, for lack of better word, love.
I listened to Fr. James Martin yesterday in a webinar. He is one of my favorite authors after reading his book on the Jesuits. I know we have been teaching this in Intergen, to speak to God as if you would a friend. But I think it was in the mood I was in that it was there I would learn how to speak to God intimately. This was also the time I started calling God Father. Because in the past I would be polite, I would never question Him. I would be afraid to express my feelings lest He gets angry at me and call me an ingrate.
But it was the Ignatian Examen that changed my prayer life.
So I would ask Him, why do You allow these things? Why make it so beautiful? When You have been so clear in the scriptures, and even Jesus was adamant about the sanctity of marriage. He never even mentioned homosexuality, not once. It was only in the Old Testament and St. Paul’s letters. But there was this whole passage in the New testament about marriage.
And I don’t know if I am being right in feeling this way. Of being soft. Where I once toughened my feelings, I am now pondering which is right.
The bible says no no no. But my heart aches. I would ask, why God? How do you differentiate flesh from feelings? How do you know if you are being deceived in thinking of these things? Am I already being tempted? Falling in the trap?
This is not a very clear cut reflection. I am actually full of questions. Questions I ask God during mass and nightly prayers. Like a curious child. Why this God and not that? Why meet this person? Why allow these softer feelings? Why this pain? Why this ache? Why this confusion?
Most of the time it would be complete silence. But one time I asked something, it was during the communion time. And the answer was quick. He said, Because you asked me if this is as good as it gets? Wandering around, wasting time, waiting out the quarantine. I simply answered what you asked for.
For all my confusion right now, I know that I am still with God. For all my temper, my rebellious thoughts, my radio silence when I get angry, He has already bought me from my past sins. Because He knows, I will never leave Him again for anyone else.
And He has become a true Father who is being patient with me as I still carry the flesh of my humanity. Right now my mind is rejecting this bible passage. I cannot feel anything in it. Because I have so many questions.
One good thing about my confusion, I find myself more and more surrendering my life to Him. Now that I am less sure of things when the quarantine happened, the trust is stronger.
Naguguluhan na ako Lord, pero sige lang. Your plans are always better.
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John 4:1-40
This story has become one of my favorite stories in the bible. It’s not a very popular story, unlike the prodigal son which was clear cut in its message. It is actually a very mature story. Something that needs to be contemplated upon. But this one can mean so many different things to so many different people.
I have often heard of the rift between the Jews and the Samaritans. And yet there are so many stories in the New Testament about their values. I think of the rift as something like Muslim and Christians. Their beliefs are so diverse. And yet in one story about a Jew who was robbed and left for dead was brought back to health by a Samaritan.
This time the story is about Jesus meeting a Samaritan by the well and reaching out to her.
He reached out to her, like reaching out to a Muslim who doesn’t believe in Him.
Two things that touched me about this story is:
Jesus didn’t have to reach out the Samaritan because her belief was way different from His. And yet He engaged her in a conversation. For Jesus, despite of our diversities, we are all the same to Him. We are all children of God.
It reminds me of what’s happening in the states, about black lives matter vs all lives matter. All lives matter, but sometimes the black life matter more now. And that time, Samaritan lives matter. He needed to reach out to her because He wants her to know about the Kingdom of God too.
The second is how the woman is living in with a man who isn’t her husband. I imagine what if it is one of the high priests during those times who was at that well at that time. I wonder what his reaction would be in the marital setup of this woman. Them who had been so to the letter about the laws of Moses. And yet here is a woman living in sin with a man. How scandalous that was. How dirty. Maybe the high priests wouldn’t bother, because she was a Samaritan and she was a big time sinner.
And yet there was Jesus speaking to her the woman without any judgement at all. I couldn’t help but feel such overwhelming love for Jesus. Such understanding and kindness and forgiving. He didn’t judge the woman. He simply stated a fact. What He was more after was that she hears the word of God.
That is one of the vital characteristics of Jesus during His time on earth. Not to judge but to reach out.
Although these are my reflections for this story, this is the verse that struck me the most:
21 “Woman,” Jesus replied, “believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. 22 You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. 23 Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. 24 God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”
Our church still hasn’t opened its door for actual presence during mass. We still hear mass online. And we feel a little guilty not partaking in the Holy Eucharist and we long to do our worshiping in the church.
But does it really matter? Whether on this mountain or Jerusalem, whether in the church or in the privacy of our homes.
What matters is where our heart is. Is it in the obligation or because we want that one hour with God?
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Jeremiah, chapter 18
Whenever the vessel of clay he was making turned out badly in his hand, he tried again, making another vessel of whatever sort he pleased.
It is Friday as I am writing this. It took me a while to really reflect on this because it’s a hard passage to understand. I was drawing a blank.
But Jeremiah has always been an unpopular prophet. Unlike Ezekiel or Daniel, people don’t like listening to him because he was always crying out doomsday scenarios. When I was going through a very dark time late 2018 and early 2019, I was reading Jeremiah. I was reading the Bible that time like a book, from Genesis all the way to Malachi. And that particularly dark time, I was on Jeremiah with his cries for Jerusalem to prepare for punishment. That time I really felt like God was about to punish the world because nothing was going right. Almost everyone I know was anxious or unhappy. Nobody could say they are at peace in this world. No one.
I finally decided to sit down to write my reflection after mass, which was a good thing because the homily was about being molded by the Holy Spirit, being guided by the Holy Spirit to use our gifts for the glory of God. It was also the feast of St. Paul VI who oversaw the last part of the second Vatican council. Because of this he was persecuted greatly for trying to change the church.
Jeremiah was persecuted for wanting Jerusalem to change its wicked ways. St. Paul the VI for trying to bring the church closer to the people.
So in a nutshell, this passage, Whenever the vessel of clay he was making turned out badly in his hand, he tried again, making another vessel of whatever sort he pleased, and Jeremiah and St. Paul the VI, they are all about change.
The art of pottery is hard. One small wrong move could leave the art with a dent, misshapen or completely a wreck. But what is nice about pottery is you can start all over again with the same clay. As long as it hasn’t hardened yet you could use it again to perfect it.
What is God trying to tell me? Although it is so easy to connect it to the pandemic I’d like to connect it to something closer to home. Intergen.
I might get violent reactions from what I will say but please indulge me.
Ever since Tita Joy died, we have been trying to restart Intergen. We have been trying to mold it again and again, the way Tita Joy has been doing, not knowing how misshapen it has really become.
But maybe what we should be doing is start all over again, with the same clay, and making another vessel of whatever sort.
We will be persecuted for what we are doing. We will be looked on as fools. We will be misinterpreted, thought of as arrogant, thought of as self-righteous. We may even be ignored. But today Jeremiah still rings true, St. Paul VI helped to usher in a new Catholic Church. And as the homily said, we will be molded by the Holy Spirit. We will keep on trying because we have the Holy Spirit behind us and we will use all the gifts given to us, and we will perfect it.
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Lamentations 3:22-23
22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
This quarantine was a bit of a challenge for me. Prior to it, when it was first announced, I was able to foresee things businesswise. Our family business is like Chinese, it doesn’t close down for anything. So these were my worries. Economics. It was my anticipated stress.
What I didn’t expect is the profound loneliness I would feel under quarantine. There were friends, there were new friends. But I was longing for a partner. Someone I could talk to, comfortably, like before.
So I think there was a bit of resentment. For the longest time during quarantine, I never heard mass except Sundays. Even when it was just so easy, I didn’t. I was really struggling, especially when I wouldn’t feel good or that time I developed colds, skin allergy and diarrhea all at the same time and I was sleeping 12 hours a day. I felt so very alone. So I think I was angry. I have given up so much. I have turned my back on so many things. I have carried so many crosses. How much more do I have to carry?
Last Sunday, during mass, I thought about hearing daily mass again starting Monday. It was one of those things that pops in my head. And it is usually these sudden decisions that becomes a habit for me.
So Monday, I saved the 12 noon mass of Manila Cathedral and heard it around 130pm after lunch.
When the host was lifted, I suddenly said My Lord and My God three times. The same with the chalice. And then I started crying. It was not emotions that were bottled up. It wasn’t like a release. It was more like happiness. I don’t know what I was happy about. I just know I was happy. Inside me I was rejoicing. My chest wanted to burst out with rejoice. I kept crying until The Lord’s prayer.
I have always said this, that God speaks to us all the time. In the past I used to think it wask because something was beautiful. It was a work of art. It was colors, words, sceneries, whatever.
As my relationship with Him grew, I realized it was Him talking the whole time. It was Him saying, I am here. Him with His never ceasing love.
He didn’t get angry with me even when I was resented Him. In fact He had been calling me back. And when I did, there was much rejoice.
I read somewhere that God doesn’t need us. Creating us didn’t make Him more powerful, more creative, more God. We need Him more. And yet when we come back, He is the one most happy.
Why is that?
Just unbelievable overwhelming love. Who loves like that except Our Father.
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