galvanistic

[galvanistic]

hopefully this is the final post i make about you i havent posted on tumblr in a really long time to talk about my feelings but i need a platform to gather all of my thoughts the summer right before transitioning from sophomore year to junior year was when it all went downhill it was definitely really rough and complicated for me to describe what i was feeling but all i can say, for a lack of better explanation, is that i have my own thoughts and my brains thoughts i have my own feelings and emotions that appear to be mostly genuine and my own, and then i have my brains thoughts that i cant control, that make me feel differently, and make me think terrible things for so long ive held such a harsh grudge against you, ive had so many negative feelings towards you i wanted to scream at you, i wanted to tell you terrible things to hurt your feelings, shit that cuts deep i wanted to make sure you knew how badly i felt on the inside but thatd not fair at all and thats not who i am and i would never want to hurt you but something inside made me want to and that scared me so badly it took me this long to understand myself better and to grow up it took me this long to try to be rational and to block out the crap my brain was trying to trick me into believing yes my feelings were hurt, we did stop talking for a long time i was very lonely, i was very dependent on you because i didnt really have anyone else to talk to and i felt accepted by you yes i do love you i still do love you and yes i do want you to still be in my life in sny shape or form please i really just wanted to let you know what my brain thinks and what i think i need you to understand me and understand that im not entirely the most stable person but i do care still and ive moved on i like talking to you when we can i miss you sometimes too i want to meet you one day i hope one day we can strengthen our relationship again because ill always want to be around you and can enjoy you

[galvanistic]

i know i shouldnt be mad about this but literally i feel so fucking ugly right now u had so many opportunities and youre basically fucking it all up for me i hate this so mucbb im so fucking disgusted with myself you dont understand how badly this is hurting my feelings why am i like this i literally want to did

[galvanistic]

it really hurts me to keep thinking about a certain person but i cant really control it it hurts because ill always wanna talk to them and ask how their day is and be a supportive friend but since time has passed and weve both changed its obviously not going to feel the same and ill never get that feeling back and now i can barely gather the courage to message them without wanting to have a breakdown and im just trying to force things to be the way i want it but i have no fucking control of anything im being punished for being too dependent on other people and for being extremely clingy and its all my fault lmao

[galvanistic]

im in such a bad fuxking mood now

[galvanistic]

BASICALLY IN SHORT IM HAVING A PANIC ATTACK OVER A LOST SOCK LMAO AND THEYRE ONE OF MY GOOD SOCKS i specifically remember putting both socks in my dirty laundry basket i sorted out my clothes if i dont find matches for my socks i DONT PUT THEM IN MY DIRTY LAUNDRY BASKET but here we are im missing a sock i checked the washer i checked the dryer i checked between the cracks of the washer and dryer i checked all my clothes in the basket i checked the rest of my dirty clothes on my floor i checked my moms bed because i placed the basket there i checked my bed because i remade my blankets i checked the hall and kitchen because i walked through there but i didnt see the socks WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO DID I EVEN PUT THE SOCK IN I FEEL LIKE I CANT REMEMBER BUT I SWEAR I DID IT BUT NOW IM NOT SURE AND IT MAKES ME CRY SO MUCH IM LITERALLY SO MAD OVER A FUCKING SOCK what the fuck is wrong with me why do i react like this

[galvanistic]

its sad that i texted u while doing it too last time i did was BECAUSE of u theres just so much i just dont understand and i dont know why i cant drop it and its my fault because i dont know how to exactly piece out words to communicate with you that im still upset why do i even bother trying to keep you in my life and be my friend i dont need you my brain thinks i need you but i know i dont but my brain my brain my brain its not all in my control because im sick

[galvanistic]

my relapse sucked yesterday bc my arm just stings a lot and hurts when i raise my arm and im such an idiot

[galvanistic]

I LIKED YOU BETTER WHEN YOU HATED YOURSELF EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT LOVE I THINK ABOUT ME THINKING ABOUT YOU

[galvanistic]

i relapsed

[galvanistic]

why..... is it so hard to keep feeling happy after something fun happens i get this unsettling feeling inside of my stomach, i get really paranoid, and i just feel so empty and extremely lonely lol

[galvanistic]

im listening to music youve shown me and it makes me dissociate a lot my body doesnt feel real at all and i just wanna float away i keep remembering old conversations and skype calls and it just makes me gloomy

[galvanistic]

i just want boys to give me attention because every boy in my life has hurt me in some way i probably deserved it im being punished by god and these boys are causing me so much damage physically and mentally i need it

[galvanistic]

love tfw u look in a mirror and it isnt even u

[galvanistic]

i dont really have the energy to vent lately even though i want to i just keep it bottled up its pathetic because all i do is feel extremely lonely lol and then cry and shit im all by myself ill always be alone and to top it off my hallucinations havent stopped they keep going every day theyre pretty mild but very bothersome whenever i have breakdowns or im paranoid or really angry they get really bad especially when shit doesnt go my way oh well

[galvanistic]

i just saw the face of someone who sexually abused me lol and i want to die so badly.......

[galvanistic]

i hate myself because i switch from hypersexual to sex repulsed so quicky and even when im hypersexual i get too scared to do things i love trauma and being raped and molested when i was younger and it effecting my sex and romance life

[galvanistic]

i havea headache from crying or maybe from hitting myself in the head a lot and my legs are sore from hitting them too i cant cut i cant cut again i have to resist even though i want to so badly i want to die