gaeyl - Tumblr blog

[gaeyl]

#68 - Confession

It's been a while since I blog. I got lost in process of fixing myself. I had no one. At least that's what I thought. Then I remembered, I've been trying to fix myself, trying to keep my feet on the ground, longing for support from people I once knew; then He reminded me that I am not alone. I was never alone. All those days I am being frustrated at work. All those days I am trying so hard to figure out my purpose. All those days full of questions and forgetting that I was never alone.

He reminded me that I need to trust Him; that I need to trust His plans for me; that I need to be patient. All those days I am frustrating and stressing myself over things out of my control. He was there. He is here, with me.

I lost touch with Him. And now I know, that this is His way of reminding me that He is always with me. Glorify and surrender everything to Him.

Lord, I thank you for not forgetting me, your little warrior who almost surrender her life to death. Thank you for reminding me that I have a purpose and I need to be patient as your plans are better than mine.

[gaeyl]

#67 - How can someone be mentally prepared for something that you didn't expect coming?

I'm trying my best not to feel or show that I'm exhausted to my partner to avoid dramatic conversation which I will end up suffering.

I'm trying my best to put up and show my warrior side when in fact I am already troubled and crying inside.

I want him to feel that I am at my best and I am with him with full support when in fact I am already crashed and broken.

I know that there are lots of things we cannot control and out of our control but at least how can I be mentally prepared for it when it comes unexpectedly?

[gaeyl]

#66 - I used to dream about coming back to this place. Taking a huge step forward and making sacrifices to reach this point. But everytime I look back, I feel lost and disconnected to someone I once knew, myself.

[gaeyl]

#65 - How do you know when it's over?

[gaeyl]

#64 - Painful part is when you know what needs to be done, but your mind is unable to process it. Fighting with your own mind is the most difficult thing you will ever do to yourself.

[gaeyl]

#64 - Painful part is when you know what needs to be done, but your mind is unable to process it. Fighting with your own mind is the most difficult thing you will ever do to yourself.

[gaeyl]

#63 - I am worthy of it.

Today, I realized that I should start choosing myself, again.

Above all things. Above everyone else.

Coming back here, being with you again, I lost myself.

I lost myself again in the process of loving you.

Being with you made me realized that as long as I love you, I will keep on forgetting myself.

I don't know if what we have right now is still worth it.

Is this love still worth it?

Is forgetting myself for you worth it?

Is this love still worth fighting for?

If it does, then I shouldn't be changing myself for you and for this love. I shouldn't be chasing it. I deserve that. I deserve it.

I want myself back. All the things I used to have. All the things I want to do. All the places I dreamed of.

Let me do the things that make me happy, again.

Let me fly as high as I can.

Let this love be free.

[gaeyl]

#62 - Not all blessings are in the form of money.

Being alive is a blessing. Being with the people we love is a blessing. A whole day of rest is a blessing. Even a cup of coffee is a blessing.

Focus on the good.

Be thankful, always.

[gaeyl]

#61 - One of those days

Dear Sunny,

It's been a while since I last wrote to you, to express myself and reveal my feelings.

I fvckd up these past few days. I made a lot of mistakes at work. I had a lot of personal issues. My mom got sick; operated; needs to be treated. My head is loaded with worries and fears. I cry. A lot. At home. At work. Alone. My depression is back. I'm having trouble sleeping at night. I started fearing sleep knowing I'll forget for a while until I wake up and face the same sh*t again. I don't know what to do anymore.

It's one of those days when I needed someone beside me, someone who will tell me that everything will be okay, that everything will pass through.

It's one of those nights when I needed a shoulder to cry on, someone who will listen to me until I unload all the burdens I have behind me.

It's one of those days when I needed my bestfriend, my boyfriend, my family.

It's one of those days when I needed someone to hold on to. Someone who'd make me feel better until I find myself again.

Unfortunately, I'm having one of those days when no one is available, I have no one to talk to, no one to listen, no shoulder to cry on, no one to catch me when I fall.

Sunny, can I have you at least for a day? Can you be real for at least a night. I don't know how to go on another day without having someone beside me.

--

I just want to sleep and never wake up again.

[gaeyl]

#60

The older I get, the more I realize I don't want to be around drama, conflict or stress. I just want a beautiful home, work that fulfills me, and to be surrounded by the people I love.

[gaeyl]

#59 - You can never completely know anyone, no matter how well you think you do. There will always be some truth about them you don’t ever get to know. 

[gaeyl]

#58

I started missing the things I used to do, the people I used to speak with, the things I used to have and the space I used to get.

I'm starting feel suffocated. No room for mistakes. No room for learnings. No growth.

I'm tired.

I want something new.

[gaeyl]

#57

Better days are coming; I won't always wake up in the morning with a heavy heart.

I put my trust in You, my Lord.

[gaeyl]

#56

When the time is right, He himself will take and guide you there.

[gaeyl]

#55

She's guarded because she knows how it feels to get broken by the words of someone who was supposed to protect her.

She's guarded because love has done nothing but cause her pain.

She's guarded because she no longer wishes to place her heart in the hands of someone who is too weak to love her correctly.

She's guarded and you'll have to prove that you're worthy of her love and dedication.

The women with their guards up are capable of loving the hardest; have the deepest love to give.

If you are not ready to provide her with the type of care she deserves then don't waste your time trying.

The women with their guards up are worth the effort, we're worth the fight.

[gaeyl]

#54 - I can give nothing more than my best effort. I am not perfect, but I'm good enough.

Just the way I am.

[gaeyl]

#53

Everyone has a story.

Everyone has gone through something that changed them.