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tumblr journal - SU23

My apprenticeship at The Wilds was basically a summer camp for adults, if you can call college students that. The interns never got to start our independent research projects, to no fault of our own, but we've gotten into a lot of shenanigans once we stopped caring about that (about halfway through). I think it's really healed me from what happened in the spring. I also started using time that I would've spent on a project to instead plan for the future; it's the summer before senior year, so I should be applying to grad schools. The plan is to get my master's in something Ecology related.

But maybe I could take some time in between school to do research abroad - I'm seeing some other undergrads mention doing the same with a Fulbright grant. So I decide apply. The time working on this application has been from 6pm to 3am, pretty much every night.

I'm especially close to two people that I've met at The Wilds. We hang out together outside of work quite often. CL is another intern, we share a wall in the cabin. She's a year older than I, but doesn't try to mother me. In fact, we're very similar. We sing during long car rides past the farms, avoid gossiping about the others, and understand each other without crossing any boundaries. I don't know if I can be very close to someone again, but we're comfortable with the small distance that we maintain.

I was the first to arrive at the beginning of the summer. The nighttime silence scared me during that first week, especially when mysterious banging would occasionally interrupt it. I finally understand 'deafening silence' as a loud hum that vibrates in the ears as you try to fall asleep. It gets so dark, but you can see the stars really well. I got to see a meteor shower, and watch bats follow my car up the gravel drive once. There's a garden on top of the neighboring research building with all kinds of flowers, and hummingbirds visit often. Dr. FE has taught me many flowers species, so now I'm the one that the interns ask to identify them.

It's paradise, but not an escape. There's one evening where the Columbus roommate groupchat gets loud. It's two against me, and DI is trying to mediate. I've noticed the others love bombing her in my absence, so I'm not surprised that she's on both sides now. We have a porch overlooking a lake, so I sit outside and hope the pouring rain drowns out the noise. I sit there long enough to get soaked through, and when I walk in I don't notice CL sitting in front of the door, stunned. We'll later laugh about me looking like a monster that crawled out of the lake.

I tried to come home most weekends. It's the first summer that I've spent away, since moving in. The drive is 3 hours each way, and I buy my own gas, but I feel like I'm missing out when I'm not there. This stopped after AU's graduation party. Aunt DE and her kids stay in my room, I sleep on the basement couch that weekend. One night, she and Mom are chatting. Listening in, Mom is speaking the way my birth mom would. It makes me freeze. I brush it off. I overhear KA asking to have friends stay the night, to which Mom agrees.

I'm not sure how to go about this, but I've noticed that the other kids are usually petulant when asking for things. While I've tried to be more careful, maybe it comes off as cold. Maybe that's why she always forgets when I ask. So when I approach her, I make a face. "Does KA really need to have a sleepover tonight? Where am I supposed to sleep?" I say it with a slight whine. Maybe if I emote for once, I can get my point across without having to say any wrong words.

I miscalculated.

"This is my house, and I make the rules. If you need somewhere to sleep, you have your own place in Columbus."

I open my mouth to argue, until I see the drink in her hand. It snaps shut.

"What, you have something to say? Say it!"

I walk away. As I do, she keeps shouting at me to speak up. I shut the door.

So long as I don't leave property, blips like that are rare. We're eating lunch in the conference room when someone points out my strange food choice - avocado with panko crumbs on top. The avocado sits in its shell, the tin of crumbs next to my water bottle.

"Are you from an ingredient house?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like, you eat scrounged up stuff because there aren't snacks and you don't want to cook."

I figure it's not the time to explain the difference between an ingredient household and childhood food scarcity: "Yeah."