g-uardia
la guardia
i'd call myself a writer if i wrote more often
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what a feeling it is to have no place to run to to not want to run in the first place it is odd everyday i feel like my bed is where i go to die or exist in sleep as if that was the only way i could let myself survive as if slumber was an excuse to let time pass as if slumber was an excusable way to live and time just washed itself a way in an endless and hopeless repeated attempts of getting up past 10 past noon past 1pm past lunch only to get up and get out and come back to the same place by 4pm and continue dying.
this is where i know how to exist in the covers in darkness in quiet
no tears or cries just a quiet, questionable existence constant question of meaning of what’s the point of it all of dreaming so constantly i have no dreams anymore when i am awake when there is nothing i want or everything that i want out of the question so many questions
where am i alive? in my quiet days and quieter mind it seems as if all these words pouring out are the complete
opposite
of
quiet.
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sleep
i used to be able to sleep everything away. this semester hasn’t been the same. mostly because there isn’t much that hurts that i need to sleep it off. but this thanksgiving, i’ve had to do it twice.
the first time, i didn’t know it was my solution until after i prayed to God that i didn’t want to suffer. shortly after, i fell into a deep nap - the kind you don’t realize you were falling into and then woke up feeling no pain.
but i’ve come to realize i can’t abuse that refuge - that i should only make it my way out when i am incredibly overpowered by what i’m feeling. i need to fight through the sublter ones, even if they still hurt to be awake through.
i love myself a lot.
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“I just need to be alive so that other people won’t die.”
There are so many ways I can try to explain this. But I’ll let you think about it, let myself come back and read this and think about it.
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Do u ever wanna punch urself in the face for procrastinating and ruining ur life
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“The most intimate thing we can do is to allow people we love most to see us at our worst. At our lowest. At our weakest. True intimacy happens when nothing is perfect.”
— Amy Harmon (via h-o-r-n-g-r-y)
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There are 4 things I learned when I was 25:
You do not have to be affectionate all the time to care for someone, in fact, caring can also mean a couple of texts or silence for a few days while you both live your lives happily and separately.
People do not care for you less when they’re busy with their own lives. It’s your reaction to them being their own person - and your ability to make yourself happy - that determines how they feel about you.
Not everyone reciprocates to your actions the same way. If you want someone to acknowledge, be interested in, or treat you a certain way for your efforts, all you have to do is let them know. They will try their personal best to accommodate that within their personal spectrum of feelings.
No one owes you 100% of them, not even after 30 years, because someone having a percentage of themselves is what keeps them sane at the end of the day and that’s okay.
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honestly these days i'm never where i want to be. and it isn't like i know where i want to be, what i want to do. it's a ridiculous phase to be in because it's childish and tiring. i don't wanna talk to people, i don't see the point in a lot of stuff. i don't show any amusement for anything? all i want to do is sleep and sumpah tak function when that's all you want to do and i'm tired of wanting that because sleeping a lot is tiring. it's an ungrateful move to dread everyday and have nothing to look forward to. it's ridiculous and i'm sick of it. sick of myself for not having a reason for being like this. as if not being physically sick to use all of these as a side effect to that invalidates everything that i refuse to do on the grounds of me being malas and tak kuasa. i don't listen to people talk anymore, i zone out most of the time. sometimes when i don't i'm just asking them in my head to stop talking. i have little to say to them. i am not here in their conversation, nor have i felt like i want to be in it lately. i'm sorry i can't say my mind is elsewhere because it's not like i know where else i want to be. when every place eventually becomes the same. i'm sorry if this makes me unappreciative of those around me when they are asking for my presence but i am refusing to be here, almost incapable of doing do without incredibly draining myself. i am not okay, i have not been and i keep feeling like something is wrong with myself and it's a tiring thing to try and prove that when it's nothing anyone can see.
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