funkyratman

[funkyratman]

imagine how much more fucked up the history of the world would be if eating someone's brains reliably conferred on you their memory and knowledge

[funkyratman]

comic sans comic

Thank you for reading!

EDIT because people keep missing my footnote in the page itself: the top two panels in the "unfortunately [...] a haiku" page are a reference to THIS comic!

[funkyratman]

basically, i think the general rule of thumb is: if someone REALLY wants the blood that’s inside of your body, and they’re like… a vampire, or a dracula, or some sort of mansquito, then that’s probably okay. a dracula and a mansquito are made for removing things like blood and swords from inside your body. that’s basically fine.

if something wants to get at your blood, and they’re, say, some kind of murdersaurus, or maybe a really big frog, that’s where the problems start to arise. a really frog is not made for removing blood, and your blood knows this, which is why it is so vehement about wanting to stay IN your body instead of coming out. 

unfortunately this will not deter a really big frog, because a really big frog is full of things like prizes, and value, and quite a lot of hatred, and it would REALLY rather like to replace any and all of those things with your blood, and basically by any means possible.

[funkyratman]

society is actually wrong. u can like poem and talk about it to ur friends

[funkyratman]

variations on "feel old yet" meme:

lying (overshooting): feel old yet? the first episode of spongebob aired 36 years ago

lying (undershooting): feel old yet? the first episode of spongebob aired 7 years ago

lying by a ridiculous amount (overshooting): feel old yet? the first episode of spongebob aired 900 years ago

lying by a ridiculous amount (undershooting): feel old yet? the first episode of spongebob aired 15 minutes ago

real date of event no one reading was alive for: feel old yet? the great san francisco earthquake happened 118 years ago

real date of event no one reading was alive for or cares about: feel old yet? prince frederick henry died 395 years ago

event no one reading was alive for and also lying: feel old yet? the great san francisco earthquake happened 4 years ago

event that did not happen: feel old yet? brian mulroney was assassinated 48 years ago

event that did not happen and even if it did this would be a lie: feel old yet? brian mulroney was assassinated 197 years ago

real date of event on a cosmological scale: feel old yet? the sun was formed 4,600,000,000 years ago

lying on a cosmological scale (undershooting): feel old yet? the sun was formed 12 years ago

lying on a cosmological scale (overshooting): feel old yet? the first episode of spongebob aired 12,000,000,000 years ago

real date of a personal anecdote that only you know or card about: feel old yet? i made a really good stir fry 5 years ago

reversal: feel young yet? frozen 3 is coming out in 3 years

reversal on a cosmological scale: feel young yet? the sun will collapse in 8,000,000,000 years

reversal (lying about event): feel young yet? the first episode of spongebob will air in 3 years

reversal (lying about time, overshooting): feel young yet? frozen 3 is coming out in 8,000,000,000 years

reversal (lying about time, undershooting): feel young yet? the sun will collapse in 3 years

reversal (lying about time, really undershooting): feel young yet? the sun will collapse in 12 minutes

real date of a recurring event that wasn't very long ago: feel old yet? halloween was 13 days ago

lying about recurring event: feel old yet? halloween was 10,000 years ago

reversal of recurring event: feel young yet? thursday is tomorrow

reversal of personal anecdote: feel young yet? my laundry is done in 52 minutes

real(?) date of a nonspecific event: feel old yet? something happened 2 years ago

lying about the reader (undershooting): feel old yet? you were born 5 years ago

lying about the reader (overshooting): feel old yet? you were born 650 years ago

making a reasonable guess about the reader: feel old yet? you were born 22 years ago

technically telling the truth about the reader: feel old yet? you were born between 0 and 120 years ago

threatening the reader: feel young yet? you will die in 7 days

non sequitur: feel old yet? half of all chameleon species on earth live in madagascar

non sequitur (lying): feel old yet? chameleons are immune to fire

lying on several levels: feel old yet? chameleons were invented 36 years ago

self-reference: feel old yet? i started writing this post 40 minutes ago

giving up: feel old yyet?th e emmenkr,tn dbw a 8 gn m hk\

i can't finish the joke someone else come up with a punchline: feel old yet?

declarative statement: you feel old.

subversive declarative statement: time isn't even real.

reference another meme: feel old yet? yeah. this is the beach that makes you old.

reference another meme specifically about injecting non sequiturs into long posts: feel old yet? the glue that lets you walk up and down anything was invented 36 years ago

[funkyratman]

new character mischaracterization; “he would NOT admit he is transgender”

[funkyratman]

So many experiences to have when you think about it really

[funkyratman]

I can't do this I'm going to (remembers suicide jokes have negative consequences on mental health) make a post that does the thing where a suicide joke is interrupted and replaced with something wacky and unexpected . And subvert the punchline in an avant-garde self-aware meta manner to reflect my curious and intellectual soul

[funkyratman]

tuesday night dashboard simulator

mutual 1: late night cry sesh with the mutuals hurray

mutual 2: still havent fucked my grandpa's friend :/ maybe next week though

mutual 3: i love getting meatburgers and shakeyshakes at the america restaurant

mutual 4: [seventeen consecutive gifs of dean winchester] i miss him </3

ad: Click here to learn about my journey with Fred Flintstone!

mutual 5, vaguely flirting with mutual 2: ive been told i look really old when i put on a fake beard

mutual 6: [detailed analysis of gender and power structures in celebrated video game Bangshootkill 4]

mutual 7: i wish i was a girl but im a guy so i cant be a girl :( all the trans girls seem nice i wish i was one :( too bad im not :(

sponsored post: Hi i'm new here #spiderman #reylo #supernatural #girls #music #boot cut jeans

mutual 8: heres fanart i made of vriska serket shooting joe biden in the head

mutual 9: if we all pray really hard maybe aliens will save us from my work shift tomorrow

mutual 10: [link to a 13 minute song] oughhh this is so me

[funkyratman]

🥀 thirst-2009 Follow

contrary to popular belief some vampires live in places other than new orleans

🧛🏻‍♂️ i-bid-you-velcome Follow

exactly, it’s like vamps on this site forget transylvania exists

🥀 thirst-2009 Follow

contrary to popular belief some vampires live in places other than new orleans and transylvania

🧛🏻 vampedupvamp Follow

wait. doesn’t transylvania like… not exist anymore. isn’t that a thing that happened?

🩸 feeder Follow

WHAT

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN

⚰ fangs4fags Follow

1 December 1918

👻 ghost-with-the-most Follow

okay was anyone gonna tell me transylvania doesn’t exist anymore or was i supposed to just learn that from a tomblr post

🐺 wolfiewonder Follow

ghoulgle is a thing…

🦇 diaryofabattyvamp Follow

@.feeder how are you unaware that transylvania stopped being a country but you know about the internet

🩸 feeder Follow

i’m sending my familiars to your crypt to slay you. you’re gonna be slayed. so hard.

[funkyratman]

I would really like to make cool art but tragically my artistic capabilities are not up to the same standard as the media I consume. in order to remedy this feeling I will continue to create absolutely nothing

[funkyratman]

I love blocking people I've never interacted with based off their replies on some random popular post. Wow random user on a post with 50k notes with the worst take ever, I hope I never meet you and will make sure we never do

[funkyratman]

It's such an amazing feeling when someone picks up on something in your writing that you 100% intended but didn't think people would notice. Like, YES!! My writing properly conveyed the thing it was supposed to!!! You are so awesome for noticing that!!! I am so awesome for writing that!!! I feel so good about my story now!!!!

[funkyratman]

Hey bitches and bros and henchpeople of indeterminate gender

[funkyratman]

yeah. i've got the wikipedia page for rat. on cassette.

[funkyratman]

The author's blatant fetish. The one you picked this book up for. Because you also have that fetish.