frutiholics

[frutiholics]

Our Times (2015)

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OH MY GOD? 

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shadow and bone as ao3 tags lmao

edit: I added a few more because I have homework and I am procrastinating :) 

[frutiholics]

about love

i have been coming into realizations lately. i was conflicted in my feelings for this certain guy, convinced i was getting mixed signals, and a lot of other things. it made me sullen and blue for a couple days, and i don’t like that feeling. i debated telling him how i felt, how i perceive this thing going on, but i don’t want it to change. i don’t want to make it weirder than it already is. but that night, i felt things shift. 

seeing a lot of people i know is already at early stages of settling down with a partner didn’t help this cause. it made me feel like that is a necessity for someone at my age, and so i forced my expectations and want into this guy, even when he sees us nothing as old friends. i get it now that it isn’t fair, both for me and for him. because loving someone in real life is far messier than your ideation of it, and far more unpredictable too. you can’t make someone feel the way you want them to feel.

by seeing those posts i also felt like maybe i don’t deserve that kind of love. maybe no one would want me. it pummeled my self-esteem, and my idea of love. but then my mindset shifted, i tried to look at another perspective. maybe the universe hasn’t been kind of me in the matter of love because i haven’t love myself. i still focused on directing the love i have outwardly, when it should’ve been inwardly all along. maybe this is the way the universe showed me that i need to learn to love myself first before i love someone else. with that new understanding, i tried not to be too hard on myself. i tried to not put the blame on me when someone doesn’t feel the way i want them to feel about me. maybe that’s how it works, one unrequited love leads to another truer love, and lessons learned.

and for you, i’m sorry for expecting too much of you. i realize now that i’ll always had that love for you. but i want you to know that even if the love’s still there, the love i have now is different than the love i have 5, or 10 years ago. it is now laced with acceptance, and selflessness. all that matters is that we’re both happy, but when it comes to it we’ll always have each other. you’ll always be my confidante, the place where i could pause and unravel my mind. i hope i’m worth the same to you, that’s all. if i don’t, then i hope you find someone who’s worth the same.

this valentine’s day, i celebrate love in the little things. i give my love to helping my sister bake cookies, i give my love to my bestfriend, i give my love to my parents, and the most important one is i give my love to myself. i’m trying to mend my broken idea of love, turning it back to the one i had when i was 8 years old. if you’re like me, who are hopeless, even borderline desperate for someone to love romantically, maybe this is a sign that there’s someone who’s more important to give love to: yourself. 

Happy valentine’s day!

[frutiholics]

so many words hanging from my lips the ones i could never fit in a kiss ones about how i tried to find time to tell you my side of the story

maybe it’s not the right time, maybe it never will maybe this is how it’s supposed to be: unsaid confessions as our epilogue, a half-written eulogy for forgotten dreams

you and i, we never make sense yet we always find a way back in the midst of thornful forest path, a chipped sidewalk that we chose to walk on

i tried to carve out this love so that yours can come as a whole as you give them out to the world along with your soul

but this emptiness came at what cost? in expense of my hollowed out heart i gave you a spring in your steps each one of them lead on my feet

is this what love is supposed to be? a sacrifice of one’s part, so the other could be whole? a thorn in my side so that you can bloom? tell me, is that how loving someone supposed to feel? if that’s what it is then maybe i don’t want to love at all

at what point do i become selfish? is that when i tried to cut up my chest to take out this poison called love so that i could be spared from bleeding out dry? or when i tried so hard to hold the idea of you in my head so that i could never lost you?

nov 26, 2020 -- the lines are too blurred between me acting out of mere self-preservation or masochism 

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for the first ever

• it was an honor for me when you took me out to eat where your family used to eat. i dont know what's gotten into you to treat me breakfast that day, but i was glad i said yes.

• i'm glad that i fold plastic bags the same way as your mother, and have the same taste in houses like hers as well. i know how much you love her, i wonder if the same applies to me too... but that is called wishful thinking, isnt it?

• i'm happy that you didn't mind that i asked you to drive around for a little while, and along the way you showed me bits and pieces of your past. it made me feel honored to be included in your past, i wonder if our futures somehow converged... but that is also called wishful thinking, isn't it?

• i like the way you didn't shy away in saying you missed me, i hope i could so the same. but if i said i missed you too, and turns out you just said that to humor me, what am i supposed to do?

• it pains me not to talk about this, because i shouldn't have this feeling. i mean, look at what happens to our inner circle once the couple broke up. i don't want that. i don't want to ruin it all.

• in a way, i think you'll always hold a special place in my life, being my first ever boyfriend. thats not something a girl forgets. you were the first guy i held hands with under the table. it was nerve-racking because i remember your hand slowly crept into mine and it sent electric jolt through my body. i was kind of surprised and nervous my hands get clammy. but it was quite an afternoon, and i love every single minute of it.

• we were only 12 or 13 at the time, and look where we are now, ten years later.

• i like just hanging out with you, whether it's at our friend's house, or eating junk food at the mall. i miss talking on the phone with you for hours, just talking about everything, or not talking at all, just your constant hum and the reality that you're there on the other side of the line.

• it's always easier with you, i didnt hold anything back. i'm always me when im with you. unlike the other guy, i always be this vulnerable side of me and i dont like it. but with you, i could be what i thought was a happier version of me. sparring banters and flirtatious jokes here and there, never seem to deter our somewhat weird relationship.

But i guess it was my fault for not keeping my feelings in check. look at where we are now. conversations reserved for birthdays or to congratulate one another. you have another love now, and i will always be there on the sidelines, cheering you on. you deserve to be happy, even at the expense of my own heart. that’s okay, i always knew somehow i’d end up like this. i just hope the cycle ends, and we can finally allow ourselves to be happy.

even though i knew you’re happy with her now, i always wondered, did you ever think about me now that you have her? not in a romantic way or long for me, just that if i ever crossed your mind? did you ever wonder what am i doing now? what am i up to? did you ever wonder if i was happy with my life? because i seem to find myself wondering about those things about you. idleness is an enemy, for it makes me wander into a lane of our own memories, of entangled mess that is my feelings about what could’ve happened between us. so i tried to keep busy. to occupy myself with things that kept me a distance away from you. but you should’ve known by now, i dont have that kind of luck. your name kept popping up when i least expect it. that’s okay, i’ll manage. i practiced to not responding to everything you posted, out of respect for your girl. even though you don’t think it more than a friend reaching out, but i knew better. so, goodbye for now. it was nice loving you in silence.

[frutiholics]

“Unsaid Emily” Guitar Tutorial w/ Charlie Gillespie

[frutiholics]

endings and beginnings.

oftentimes, the lines became discernible after you went through the indefinite loop over and over again. two interconnecting dots that at some point became one. it made your mind melt, sometimes. you began to lose your grasp on where it begins and where it ends. what-ifs filled the space between. it made you crazy. day by day. 

a constant loop of voices whispering you’re not good enough. that everything you do isn’t up to standards. that you’ll never fit in the mold. that the ones who are worthy of love are ones who turns eyes when they passed. the ones who look like they stepped out of a story book. not you, who tore your nose in spite of your face. who felt like the curves of your body a death sentence. you, who is constantly criticizing every minuscule details on your face. the slope of your nose, the gap between your eyes, the unruly thickness of your eyebrows, too-dark lips, crooked teeth. nevermind the self-love bullshit you tape to your wall. the knives showed up everytime you look in the mirror. you thought, maybe the only way to love yourself would be to have someone who love you more than you could ever love yourself. that external love outweigh internal ones. 

but then again, like i said, when you thought you’ve reached the ending of your incessant, self-deprecating thought, just like that you’re back to the beginning.

[frutiholics]

#couples that organize human rights protests together #stay together

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Endless Anne 2/???

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twitter: @mundodeseriess

like/reblog this post if you save.

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i will never forgive the harry potter movies for taking away the ‘are you a witch/wizard or not’ scenes

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danielle and calahan are really giving us helniks Everything We Ever Wanted huh

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#FINALLY

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yes officer it’s them, those criminals have stolen my heart

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Diego Hagreeves + tv tropes