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frogonthoughts-blog · 12 years ago

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Dad had a couple of friends come over today. A group of classmates for lunch and Raj, a friend he knows through his lawyer. For me, I had a feeling of dread. Oh dear, socializing with adults. The question's bound to come up. So what are you doing now? Where are you working now? What are you planning to do with your life?

During such situations, I always feel pressurized to come up with some answer that I hope will impress. A substantial, satisfactory answer. At that moment when the question is asked, there's panic and internal eye rolling. At myself and at the initiating person. When I open my mouth to answer, its like I'm sort of weirdly detached from what I'm saying. I'll say something and get it over with. Or I can't say what I truly want to say. It's too complicated and vulnerable to attack.

The truth is, I really don't know what I want to do, what I want to study in the future (though I reassure everyone that further studying is on the books, pun intended), or even what my particular interests are.

I watched an episode of Suits today which was highly reflective of my current predicament. Rachel Zane works hard and is good at what she does (a paralegal). This job consumes all of her. But when Mike dumps her and she goes on a dating site, she has no idea what how to describe herself. I feel like Rachel Zane. I want to set up a blog and write but the descriptions stump and scare me. I don't want to describe myself, I don't want to put a song lyric or a quote from a movie or book but yet I want to, I don't know what to say about myself. I like things, but I don't like them enough to be dedicated to constantly write about it. Or I am just scared. and lazy. Take for example, tennis. I could write a blog about tennis. It is not like I don't like it enough. I check my twitter list every second of the day. So what is it? Lazy.

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frogonthoughts-blog · 12 years ago

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What was the reason why you decided to make a change to your lifestyle?

It was last summer, I had graduated University and suddenly was relieved of the stresses of school and studying. That was the theme generally. But mostly I just was tired of feeling ashamed and sorry for myself. Of hiding away from other people and getting hurt when they made casual remarks about my body. I lived with my aunt (for about three months of the year when she returns to Canada, I rent a room in her house), who's extremely judgemental about looks and weight and I got a lot of emotional hurt from her over the years. I was thinking of all the things that I'd turned down: social events, shopping trips etc because I was self conscious about myself. I was eager to put away University life - lots of studying led to stress and unhealthy emotional eating. Finishing school meant a chance to put all of that behind me. I was depressed at certain points during school so I wanted to make a change, take care of myself better.

When did you start to make this change?

Actually, it started in Ann Arbor, Michigan. I spent about two and half weeks there with my cousin - who was doing an internship at the University of Michigan's Veteran's hospital. I went there with no particular purpose, it was just to keep my cousin company and explore the town a little bit. I love travelling and going to new places so I was happy when my aunt asked me to help keep an eye on her daughter (she's 17). I had time during the day because my cousin went off to work in the hospital. The apartment we were staying at had a gym on its compound so I just went there everyday. My cousin would come back in the evening and she wanted to work out too so I ended up getting two + solid hours of workout in the gym daily.

How did you feel during this period?

I felt great. I think it was the moment when I started to become comfortable with sweat and heat. The apartment we were living at had really sketchy air conditioning so my aunt advised us not to turn it on. Plus, we had no fan either. June in Michigan is really not pleasant. The first few days I was there the weather was lovely but from then on till I left, there was a heatwave. Daily temperatures were in the 80s and 90s. Our apartment was stifling so I was pretty much sweating it out every minute of the day. No surprise, the place with air conditioning was the gym so I was happy to go there.

What workouts did you do?

I focused mostly on cardio. I would run on the treadmill and do the cross trainer for about 45 minutes to an hour. Usually I aimed for half an hour on each. I always fell short on the treadmill though because I hate running on the treadmill. When I run I want to feel like I'm covering distance, so running while being stationary and watching some numbers tick by just kills my soul. There's also the fact that a treadmill is indoors and I am very conscious of sounding like an elephant stomping on something. Actually, that's a bad analogy. Elephants are very graceful creatures. I am conscious of sounding like Godzilla. Or T-Rex. Then I would finish off with some weight training.

How did you keep track of your progress?

Ha, this is a funny one. Now, I had no weighing scale or measuring tape so I couldn't really keep track of my progress numerically. In my room, there's this shelf/desk thing which when you close, reveals a mirror stuck on the underside of it. For some reason, when I flip the desk table up, the position of the mirror reflects directly on my belly. I was pretty much reminded of my belly fat and love handles every time I walked past that mirror. It was a good mirror though, I was horrified by what I saw in it but that made me motivated to see a difference every time I walked past the mirror. It's a special mirror that zooms in right where it hurts!

So, it seems Michigan was the turning point for you huh?

Yeah it is definitely a significant mark. My aunt saw me two weeks later and she said she saw a noticeable difference. More importantly, *I* saw a noticeable difference. This was the first time ever that I've put in the hard work and seen results, physically. I mean, I follow my mom to the gym once in a while but that never panned out to anything. This time, I was in complete control and I did what I had to do and I saw that I could actually do it. When I got home from Michigan, I thought: there is no way I am letting the past two weeks of hard work and sweat go to waste. I also was very aware of how good I felt after a workout. It felt like I'd accomplished something. It was then that I decided to start making working out a part of my life. Not something to be done grudgingly, but something to be serious about.

When you got back from Michigan, how did you make this lifestyle change?

I started running. I live in a really nice neighbourhood that's quiet and has long winding roads lined with beautiful houses. It was a perfect place to run. I was apprehensive about running because it scares me. I really wanted to at least do an hour of cardio like I did in Michigan so I started with a run/walk combo. I downloaded the RunKeeper app on my iPhone which then started to make running fun. I could time my runs, keep track of my pace time and amount of calories burnt on my workout. I changed my diet and adopted healthy eating habits. I became obsessed with scouring the internet for health and weight loss foods. My main motivation tool was discovering fitness blogs, which I still read religiously today. It's just wonderful and addictive to read about other people's weight loss journeys and how they're maintaining their weight and keeping fit with exercise and a healthy diet.

Did you do any other exercises other than running?

Yes. About after a month of running (and reading fitness blogs), I realized that I couldn't just run and lose weight. I wanted to become a stronger and fitter person and I had to do other things instead of just run. This was the period where I was seriously wanting to become a more active person. The blogs I read suggested gym work and I blanched because I hate gym work. Unfortunately, I couldn't escape it so after some encouragement from my Mom, I signed up not only for a gym membership but personal training sessions to help me get stronger. It was the best decision I made.

Tell us more.

I signed up for three 1 hour sessions a week where I would do resistance and strength training. This was hard work but it was all worth it. This was when I saw the belly fat that I had started to get rid off in Michigan (but went no where in the month I was running) come off in inches. After three weeks, I could see that the fat roll on my stomach was visibly smaller. After 6 weeks, my trainer was telling me your stomach is almost completely gone. I could feel my body firming up; my arms were harder, my chest and boobs looked perkier (bound to make any woman feel good!) and I was feeling fantastic. By 11 weeks, I could fit into pants that I previously couldn't. Again, it makes any person who's trying to lose weight, happy.

Part II to be continued..

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frogonthoughts-blog · 12 years ago

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Is there such a thing as too focused on one thing?

It's strange how one can be so focused on one thing and completely ignore other more pressing and important things. When I say pressing and important, I mean how we can get totally tunnel visioned on achieving a certain goal that we forget there are other things that we cannot ignore that will make achieving that goal more wholesome, and probably easier too.

I keep putting off my pilates classes. It's so hard to call them and book an appointment, its so hard to make my way all the way downtown to attend class, its so hard to get over the fear of looking like a sheepish fool having forgotten the moves, its so hard to get over the fear of perhaps training with a new teacher. Its hard. And stupid and dumb.

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frogonthoughts-blog · 12 years ago

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Everytime I see someone having success in their academic career, I get a insecure and a little envious. They're the same age as me, some even younger. Off to some prestigious schools and getting offered masters and PhD programs. While me? I sit at home, not doing much.

The truth is, when it comes to academia, I haven't really figured out what I really wanted to study yet. I want what I study to go hand in hand with what I want to do in life. At least, the next part of my academic career. I wouldn't say I've wasted the past 5 years on my undergrad degree, no. It made me depressed and inadequate but its taught me a lot as well.

I must be happy for these people, my friends. As for me, I must have faith and tenacity in myself. That now is not the time for me, now is the time to do something else than study. I must trust myself that I will find my next step in life and have courage to pursue it. I must live in the present and look at things around me. I have the privilege to do this and I must not take it for granted.

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frogonthoughts-blog · 12 years ago

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My mood is ruined.

Started in the car when AD called and said she was coming. Oh, my tormentor! I wasn't looking forward to her coming. I wish her plans had fallen through but alas they have not. Inevitably, she will be making some comments about how I look. I don't want to deal with nosy relatives asking what I am doing with my life now.

Proceeded to more self hate. I was about to go walk the dog with my mom but I saw a group of people across the street who I thought Hannah was present. Hannah is my across the street neighbour whom I grew up with. We were close when we were children, drifted apart, then the last time I saw her was when she was 12, about to head off to Australia. I thought she was there and I was chasing my other dog back into the house, and I just turned and went up the stairs and barricaded myself in the toilet. I. hate. myself.

Decided to go for the walk because I couldn't deal with my own lies and lying to M, so off we went. Without the dog. God, I even let down my own dog. Then M told me about K remembering a place she had brought him earlier this afternoon. She realized the reason why K kept exclaiming how different the place was because he hadn't been in here since the incident. The incident where D beat up K, very violently. This has ruined my evening the most. I cannot believe that D would do something like this. Actually, I can. But I am ashamed because I cannot believe my own D would do something like this to K. And not to me. I hate that. I hate him sometimes. I want to scream and yell at him about everything that is wrong about him. But then I don't have courage. I don't have courage to do that to him, I don't have courage or perseverance to back myself up, to build myself up, to pursue the things I want to do, in order to go head to head with him. I am nothing. And he can attack me very easily.

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frogonthoughts-blog · 12 years ago

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Going out.

Out as in out of the house.

Sometimes I have social engagements. But I do not look forward to them. I ask myself, is it because I don't look forward to seeing my friends? Yeah, kind of. Because I am a selfish person who has friends but doesn't want to see them all the time. Doesn't want to be available all the time.

I get pissed off as these social engagements draw nearer to the assigned date. I'll count down: 'oh this is the last evening free before I have to be somewhere tomorrow evening.' And when the day itself arrives, I obsessively count down the hours and partition the day ( 6 hours to H-hour, 3 hours to H-Hour etc ) till the time I have to start putting on my face and getting into the suit appropos to a night time engagement with other human beings.

I dread the process leading up to leaving the house for the night. There's a pressure to dress nicely. Because its at night and people can see so well. I have to shower. Then I have to pick clothes. And then worry about whether these clothes are nice enough. While I hate dressing up, I still don't want to look like I didn't care when everyone turns up for roll call. And then makeup. Because I haven't been out in so long, my makeup skills are a bit off. The makeup process feels forced and not good enough.

The awkward moments come as I see my friends for the first time after a while. "FINALLY, YOU'RE ALIVE." Yeah. I be awkward. I wave them off. We settle in. The wheels screech a bit but eventually start running smoothly.

It's always better than what I've made up in my head.

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