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Ralsei Diary Entry #15 + Thoughts

Midway through Ch 14

Transcript + Scene under cut

Transcript:

[They don’t like me. I’ve waited all this time for them to arrive hoping that they might. But it seems I’ve ruined that chance.

I have one more thing I’d like to try. Maybe if they don’t like me they can still have each other. Provide that comfort that I cannot.

I see now that I have been incredibly selfish. Likely I saw the entire time but I did not wish to address it. My purpose is to serve the Lightners and yet I treat them like this. I put my desires first.

Does this now mean that I will stop?]

-

…Everything is fine. Of course, it always has been. There’s no need to put that in writing. No everything is normal and as it always has been.

He hovers a paw hesitantly over his arms, allowing them to settle into a hug. Comfort, comfort. That’s him. He’s always been his only comfort. He thought things would be better. With friends. That maybe they could be comfort to each other. He’d help them and they’d… smile. A smile would be enough, but he hasn’t seen one of those in a long time, even on his own face.

He exhales, taps the feather against parchment. What is there to say?

“They don’t like me. I’ve waited all this time for them to arrive hoping that they might. But it seems I’ve ruined that chance.”

Approaching them is like approaching a wild animal, not just Susie anymore. He shivers. Any wrong move, too close, too sudden, too upset. He does not like the feeling of flesh tearing in directionless rage, of scrubbing the red from his fur. It’s good that Susie doesn’t bleed. He’s not sure how he’d stomach cleaning that up…

“I have one more thing I’d like to try. Maybe if they don’t like me they can still have each other. Provide that comfort that I cannot.”

The obvious idea hangs over his head, but he does not address it. Does not think about it. The thought of letting them go is dangerous, now that he’s run out of reasons to justify not doing it. It’s pure selfishness.

Selfish. That’s what he is, isn’t it?

“I see now that I have been incredibly selfish. Likely I saw the entire time but I did not wish to address it. My purpose is to serve the Lightners and yet I treat them like this. I put my desires first.

Does this now mean that I will stop?”

He sighs heavily. The prophecy. Will they really resolve things like this? Can they be bold heroes from inside a cage? Perhaps he is simply the villain that inspires their determination.

Oh what a horrible phrase in his mouth. A villain? He would not like it ascribed to himself at all, and under typical circumstances, never would. But this has gone beyond that, hasn’t it?

Yes surely they must think it of him.

A prince from the dark. What if he was never meant as part of their merry band? He was left to be an oracle of the prophecy, but not its deliverer.

This story is not about him. Of course he cares for the end of the world, of the angel’s curse, but it’s quite hard to resist when you are the angel’s favorite. Yet not its chosen. No no that isn’t your role, don’t get so ambitious to think yourself important in that way.

But they like me. They might even possibly love me. Or maybe they just stare in morbid fascination. Either way, it’s something he hasn’t yet lost. If he can keep its eye, perhaps even its approval, entertain, perhaps then he will not fade into the shadows, and he won’t need to be so alone.

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If only this were possible. Everything would just disappear. Everything would be okay...

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Source: depressedrachel

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Oh~ your such an angel~

But I feel your wings give you too much freedom.

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Ralsei Diary Entry #14

After Ch 13 + Susie Scene 14

Transcript under cut

The good news is I’ve finally made progress with Susie, and the lullaby still works. I don’t know what I’d do if that fell through. 

Kris’s punishment was also effective, too much so. I knew it would affect them, but I’ve never seen them this bad. I should be there with them. They shouldn’t be alone right now, but my presence would just make things worse. They need comfort from someone else. 

Susie might be ready soon. This last technique means I may not need to lean on violence so much. If I’m creative enough, then I can save that for only extreme occasions. 

 I need to check on Kris.

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something small n weird

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Finally finished my animatic hope u like it

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And you dont even care

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Susie Scene #14

Before and after Ch 13 (48-60 hours past Scene 12)

Summary: Susie reaches the end of her rope.

[[48 hours]]

She’s weak, tired, cold, and hungry. She doesn’t know when she started shivering or why she can’t stop. None of this helps her get any sleep, and she’s resorted to mocking the flowers, who mock her right back.

“Stupid, dumbass flowers not worth a damn. Useless shit. People say you’re romantic or some shit but you’re only ever in stories where people die or are trapped and hopeless.”

Trapped and hopeless. Trapp an opeless. Trap-opeles and trand hopetrap-ndlesstr-ope-and.

She flails uselessly onto her back. 

If she could send an echo flower with one message, what would she say? Who would she hope picked it up? More importantly who would care?

Her stomach growls and then she growls too. Fucking Ralsei. She curls to the side and hits her fist against the ground repetitively to have something to do.

It doesn’t take away the gnawing in her stomach, but it’s a small distraction. She must have grown unaccustomed to the sensation since Ralsei started feeding her regularly. Now it hits like a truck, here to punish her for ever dreaming she could escape it. 

She closes her eyes and all she sees are taunting meals, a pile of unguarded ham sandwiches lined up on a tray, or hot wings or ribs slathered in sauce. She imagines tearing it apart from the bone by her teeth. She thinks of a tender steak, oozing with flavor with each bite. A side of crisp vegetables swimming in garlic butter, and fresh bread that would crack under her touch. 

She inhales to take in more of her imaginary banquet. There’s a distinct pasta smell to pair with the garlic. It’s dripping in cheese, tomato, basil. She mentally samples it and its textures. Her mouth waters. She can smell it so vividly. She chews at her lip and opens her eyes. She really can smell it.

She rushes to the bars, pressing her head as close as she can to the scent. It only grows stronger with the echo of footsteps across the hall, and soon the source comes into view.

Ralsei settles outside her cell with a plate of food: lasagna, vegetables, and a bread roll. It all looks home made and warm.

“Hello again, Susie. I see you’ve calmed down some.” The flowers murmur at his presence and her calm very quickly drops. She stares intently at the meal.

“I hope you don’t mind I brought some dinner along. It shouldn’t bother you much since you’re used to skipping meals.”

She huffs a sound very similar to a dragon breathing smoke.

He takes a bite of one of the vegetables. There’s a good assortment of colors, vibrant reds and orange, green, purple, something white. Only some of the shapes are familiar but they all look delicious, some squish under his fork while others provide a solid crunch. The lasagna stretches with strings of cheese just as she’d imagined, revealing layers of color and flavor.

“Give me some,” she demands.

“Huh?” he looks up at her. “But, this is my food. You don’t like taking food from me, remember?”

“I’ve done it before. Give it to me.”

He holds the plate as if considering. “I don’t think you’ve calmed down enough for that. How do I know you won’t just make a big mess like that one time?” He cracks open the bread and the aroma spills out all the more clearly.

“Cause I’m hungry, give me the fucking food.”

“You were hungry that time too.”

“I won’t make a fucking mess, okay? You want me to pinkie swear?”

He sets the plate down on his seat and kneels a safe distance in front of Susie. “If you’re so hungry, I could feed you something while you rest.”

“I can feed myself just fine.”

“I can try my lullaby again.”

“I don’t need your fucking lullaby.”

“Why didn’t it work, by the way?”

“Didn’t what?”

“The lullaby, it stopped working.”

“Oh.” She chuckles as she remembers the trick she’d pulled. “It’s cause I plugged my ears, dumbass.” 

She digs a finger into each side and displays the food proudly, before licking it off with a satisfied grin. It tastes as gross as you’d expect. Then she’s hit with the full volume of the echo flowers. Were they that loud before?

Ralsei has a smile of his own. It’s unnerving. “That was so clever of you. I’ll have to be even more careful.” He delivers it like a compliment but Susie gets the feeling that she’s messed up. Her brain is being foggy on the details though.

“Well I’m glad it still works then. Though we can test that if you’d like.”

“No.” She knows she doesn’t like that. She’s fine without sleep, probably. “I want food.” She looks right through him and stares at the unfinished meal like a begging dog.

“Oh, no, I definitely can’t trust you with that. I’ll have to feed you the next time you’re asleep.” He pauses, “But we’re taking a break from the lullaby right now, so maybe another time.” He stands up.

“Where are you going?”

“I have stuff to do upstairs. You’ll be fine. I’ll be back soon.”

“You can’t just leave. Give me some food. You want me to starve down here?” She shouts louder to reach him as he walks away, until the echoes become too loud for her ears. She has the urge to throw something at them but nothing left to toss. 

The plate of food still sits just outside her cell, taunting her with its smells. She tries to reach it on her own, manically swiping the air in vain, then sets her head against the bar and stares.

She blinks and shudders, finding herself on the floor. There’s a dull pounding in the back of her head, and a loud buzzing she can’t shake. It takes a minute to realize it’s coming from the flowers. 

Her stomach gurgles and she stares up at the ceiling. She stays there and for a long while she doesn’t feel at all. The pain and the hunger are so constant, so encompassing that she can barely differentiate it from herself. It’s just the feeling of existence, background static.

She stares. Maybe she’s waiting, waiting for something, waiting for sleep, waiting for Ralsei. She doesn’t know. There’s no purpose in her actions. There’s no action at all.

Maybe she will fade away like this. Maybe she’s already gone. Maybe she was never here. She’s not here now. She wants to believe she’s not here now. But she is, and she can’t stop being here.

She stares and she blinks. Sometimes her eyes stay closed longer than others, but never long enough.

[[Ch 13 break- 60 hours]]

Her eyes are closed when the world gets louder. She’s on her side now and her brain tries to fill in an image to match the sound. She opens her eyes to help. 

There’s the bars, the flowers, and Ralsei. She yawns. He’s saying something. She rubs the sleep from her eyes but her arm is slow and heavy. She doesn’t bother sitting up or turning her head to face him.

“Hello? Ah sorry to interrupt you. I just came to check in. Are you doing alright?” The edges of his words are fuzzy at first but she focuses slowly as if tuning in to a radio channel. 

Even if she hears the words, it takes another few seconds to process them, and then to decide a proper reaction. She opts for the easiest route which is to not react.

“Susie?”

She groans and turns away from the noises.

“You must be incredibly tired.”

Her silent back is response enough.

“Would you like to sleep?”

She gives a mutter of confirmation.

“I can help.”

“Hmm?”

“I can help you fall asleep. Would you like that?”

She’s quiet. He sits and waits.

She sits up and faces him wearily. “What?” she croaks.

“Would you like to sleep?” He repeats.

She tentatively responds, “Yes…”

“Would you like my help?”

There’s a pause inside her. There’s something about that which sounds bad. She can’t remember why. But she wants to sleep. She scans her brain just to be sure, then nods.

“You don’t like my lullaby, though.”

She stares. Oh, that’s right. His lullaby is bad. His lullaby means punishment. It means a lack of agency. But this is already punishment, and she doesn’t have agency. She tried to get it but she never managed, and it always hurt to try. She’s tired of trying. She’s tired of hurting. She’s just tired.

“I want to sleep.”

Now it’s his turn to stare. He sits as though expecting something.

She rocks on her hands until it crosses her to try again. “Would you put me to sleep?” then after a beat, “Please?”

He smiles, “Of course.” 

He starts a tune and there’s no resistance at all as her eyes fall under their own weight.

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Ralsei Diary Entry #13

Before Ch 12

Transcript under cut

Susie is her own thing. All I can really do is wear her down. I can tell she still isn’t sleeping. The irritability, lack of focus, and impulsiveness may just seem part of her personality but this is more extreme than before. I don’t know how she avoided my lullaby last time but I’ll need some other leverage. At the very least, she should be worn down enough in a couple days for me to get her back in her chains.

As for Kris, I don’t think physical punishments are necessary yet. In fact, I have something else in mind already. I know exactly what they need. After all, I know them better than anyone else.

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Ralsei Diary Entry #12

After Ch 11, Before Scene 13

Transcript under cut

It was too much to hope for after all. They seemed so remorseful. I guess that was an act too. I think they’re always acting. They’re too good at it otherwise, that they can make it as sincere as their kindness.

They emptied their pocket. They took a fork. They’re trying to escape.

If everything they say are lies, then I prefer the pretty ones.

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