freedomtearingdown

[freedomtearingdown]

A Slow Death

Today i woke up at 3 am. Nothing describes a lonely heart more than someone who wants to sit in bed and stare into oblivion trying to figure out where I am supposed to be and where I am supposed to go from here. I feel as if I have a boulder pressing down on my chest, slowly crushing me with the weight of my own anxiety and depression, while I lay there and try to lift it's constant gravity off of me with no end in sight.

Today I looked at Instagram, it felt like I was scared to scroll, anxiety rushed over me as if I was going to see something I didn't want too; then i realized, i am afraid to see her, one quarter inch swipe up and I could see her smile. The problem was not that I'd see her, it's that when I see her, her smile will not be because of me, her joy won't be because I helped her achieve it. She is my depression, she is my anxiety. If it was possible to forget her I don't think I would be able to do it. It hurts me so much but in the end what is life but a bunch of memories; but why does life have to be a bunch of memories and why do they have to be only the ones that cause my head to spin, my heart to ache, my chest to crush and my eyes to water.

Why can I not remember the last time I was happy? Why can I not remember the last time I smiled? What is the point in living my life if all I can remember are the opposites of bliss.

Why am I still here; and why do I need to stay. P.S I am broken

[freedomtearingdown]

Shallow Heart

Who am I doing this for, it is not for me. I try my hardest to let things go but in the end nothing ever seems to go away. I have been in love with someone for 5 years, everything I do and everything I say seems to only push me closer and closer to as point I cannot breath.

how do I move past something that i never wanted to give up, that was taken away from me by the people i care for. The one true thing in my life was so imperfectly perfect that i couldn't even stand when I looked at her; I would wake up every single morning to the the sun in my eyes but with my shades closed. Her life just brought meaning to mine and everything in it. I could touch her skin and feel free, look in her eyes and drift away like i was on the softest of clouds.

If I had to describe what love feels like, it would be just that; but what I cant describe is how horrible of feeling it is when you lose it, and you are left as someone who has no idea where home is, no one can make you smile, you force yourself to move forward even when you know it is so much easier to just stop and let the life slip away like a river. In reality though, trying to stop and let yourself go and move towards a darker ending is more of a wave of emotions hurling you into rocks down a stream and off a water fall with no bottom but edges of rocks poking out as they tear your flesh apart and slowly rip away to your heart.

who am I supposed to talk to about all of this, My mother who told me I was a waist of space and I just make peoples lives miserable and couldn't even raise herself let alone 3 children? My sister? the one who had a hand in tearing the only good thing that has ever happened to me in my life away from me? Maybe my friend, the guy who tried to sleep with the love of my life half a year before I lost it all.

What do I do, how do I do it? I try so hard to keep moving but I feel so stuck, so still while the world moves around me; like my feet are nailed to the ground and I am frozen in ice and still aware of what's happening around me but I cannot do anything to change the way life is taking its tole. How do I love someone else when all I do is compare her to them; do they kiss the way she did, do they feel how she felt, can they love me with so much affection that when I look at her I cannot help but be out of breath. No, no one can ever compare to her or the way she made me feel. I am weak, I am powerless and I am no one.

I have no one, and no one knows me. With that I have no one to talk too; so here I am, spilling my emotions out on a fucking word document because all I have left is false hope and a fake life. Why not also tell this to something that is not real. I hope to be like you, lifeless but free in an electronic world.

Ps. I still love you