frannyj

[frannyj]

A Mixture of Confusion & Precarity

My hands were locked in a grip around the steering wheel of my car as the AC softly blew against my frayed hair. I did not know what to think or why I did not get out of the vehicle. It was hard to differentiate whether the anticipation I felt was because of my appointment, or the preparation for stepping out into the sweltering heat. For a moment, I could imagine myself frozen in the winter, cooly but peacefully crystalized like the leaves, even if I was sat against my warm, cushiony seat. The heat itself wasn't what I was wary of, but the chain of events that would start once I left the comfort of the cold. I predicted that each step I took away from the car was like putting my hand over a fireplace when I was a child; naively splayed, seeking warmth but eventually getting burnt as comfort came with pain. Still, I got out of the car and made my way, finding my fixation on temperature out of character and, frankly, a little embarrassing.  

This anxious reflection would make someone think that I was frightened about a damning doctor's appointment, however, I was just going to a psychic reading. In my mind, I knew that psychic readings held more merit than a simple card selection or trace of the lines in my palm, but I did not know what exactly it was. I felt very anxious, even before stepping through the door. Subsequently, I realized my confusion was linked to my family. Growing up, my father was very fearful and forewarning about anything related to witchcraft. A mere glimpse of me playing cards (e.g. go fish) would invoke a scolding on magic and the devil. Though I rigorously opposed his beliefs from my mind, maybe out of spite, the lingering fear of what if always remained. Still, the danger of witchcraft was essentially shoved down my throat for years; pacifying my existing dread as it was replaced with annoyance. My father attributed this perspective to the opposition of God and his will. In a mixture of resentment and interest in academia, denouncing his beliefs and the whole practice itself was much easier for me. In my opinion, God and magic seemed unlikely as science could explain the world's phenomenons, and behaviours were based purely on cynicism. So, ultimately, I was uncaring and cold towards those who directly expressed different views to me. 

Suddenly, I saw myself encircled by modernity — upholding reason, logic, and science as the absolute truth in society. I was unsure if I displayed Max Weber's inattention to religion and mysticism, or agreed with Charles Taylor's deduction that religion was eradicated, and magic forgotten through scientific advancements (Josephson-Storm, 2017, p.4). Or, on another latter, was I opposing my upbringing similar to an old definition of modernity? I felt as if I attempted to "[designate] a break over a passage of time, [creating a] combat [with victors and losers]" to detach myself from my family (Latour, 1993, p. 10). Arrogantly, I felt more intelligent and in tune with the world than my father, essentially winning a fight that should not have been created. My ignorance overwhelmed me, making me feel more embarrassed than I did over the inconsequential thoughts of the cold in the car. Though I did not know much about mysticism, I knew that modernity could not take over my entire mentality and refused to stay ignorant. 

Within my ten minutes of uneasy contemplating, I had finally made it to the door. I tried to clear my mind before stepping in, taking deep breaths and listening to the cars zoom by next to me. There, I wished to gain a different mindset or at least some information to dispel my confusion through the session. I was aware that the psychic was as human as I was, so nothing could be solved right then and there, but I still desired to change my perspective and will.

In connection, I later learnt that tarot cards — deemed by ceremonial magicians of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn — are potent instruments to develop a "magical will" and spirituality (Gregory, 2012, p. 278). This let me feel better about my intentions when going to the reading. Additionally, Karen Gregory notes that tarot cards are "essentially limitless and open to continual personal and intuitive speculation," allowing me to keep an open mind throughout the session (Gregory, 2012, p. 278).

The psychic was a very kind woman, greeting me energetically and bringing me to the room. Walking in, I first noticed that she had the same chairs as me. It seems very mundane to register, however, I became fixated on it, relaying my discovery to the psychic. She smiled and noted the nice coincidence, but I could not stop thinking about it. The red chair offered some familiarity, a glimpse into my own reality while still existing in hers. To be clear, it reminded me of Gregory Bateson's findings — stating that what we perceive and believe constructs the world around us (Greenwood, 2009, p. 146). In turn, this leads to the assumption that every individual lives in the same reality and truth, making us ignorantly unaware of different possibilities in life (Greenwood, 2009). The chair left a tremendous impression, but perhaps because I had come to the realization about my exact behaviour minutes prior.

It presented as a bridge between two worlds: the scientific (my mind) and the magical (the psychic). This reminded me of Susan Greenwood's use of Gregory Bateson's ideas of ideation — imagining ideas through mental maps and categories — and abduction  — recognizing patterns to organize information through analogies (Greenwood, 2009, p. 151). The chair acted as the "connective pattern for understanding the world," showing me that multiple strands of knowledge and familiarity are real, "expressing and explaining realities through metaphor" (Greenwood, 2009, p. 152). To put it simply, the chair allowed me to a mental categorization — ideation — and the relation of our objects let me see how both the magical and rational world can connect — abduction.

After a bit of small talk, the actual reading began. To start, she instructed me to shuffle the deck of cards with the purpose of thinking about what I wanted to hear or come forward. This struck me as odd. I did not think I would have a hand in actual participation; instead, I was prepared to sit and listen to anything she uttered. When I inquired what the purpose of this was, she noted the disclosure of information and personal energies. She then explained that many clients did not want her to mention certain things or for them to come forward, and that could be the same for me. I quickly told her that any topic could be mentioned.

It did not make sense that particular things could be omitted, especially since evidence — or at least a belief — in this practice could be found there. However, was this a modernist thought? I was unsure that this proved that "the social order never [corresponded] with the natural order" because of people's unwillingness to be completely vulnerable to tarot cards (Latour, 1993, p. 42). Instead, I felt as if I was trying to purify evidence away from the spiritual experience rather than encountering them together; essentially "rendering mixtures unthinkable" to mediate any future effects (Latour, 1993, p. 42).

However, this can also be interpreted that I wished for all thoughts to be accessible, in order to gain the full supernatural experience rather than evidence. I was attempting to meld two categories together, which funnily reminded me of Latour's comment: "The less the moderns think they are blended, the more they blend" (Latour, 1993, p. 43). I was not entirely as modern as I thought, agreeing with Latour that these (and my) narratives cannot be divided.   

I recognized the "potential capability for magical consciousness" and agreed that the "human experience must be incorporated into the wider picture" of society (Greenwood, 2009, p. 157). Essentially, the Not Only but Also model — that Greenwood presented — was at the forefront of my mind for the success of this reading. I needed to remind myself that multiple webs of knowledge interconnected and existed within this room, even if disparate, to gain a fuller perspective (Greenwood, 2009, p. 146). 

The reading itself heavily spoke about my prosperity — in terms of money and connections in my life. Surprisingly, she noted the trip to the States I was about to embark on, which made my jaw drop. I could rationalize that multiple people would be travelling since it was the summer, however, this was a prominent stressor in my life, so the predicted success of it left me optimistic.

She noted that I had a very healing energy, stating that pursuing a job that highlighted this quality would make me very successful. Repeatedly, she told me how she saw success and fortune in my life, which conjured a mixture of feelings. My nails curved deeper and deeper into the flesh of my hands each time money was mentioned.

Here, I was fully expecting a center on my feelings or perhaps even love, but money kept taking the forefront. It was laughable, really, the way it connected a rational, capitalistic world through a mystical tool. To be frank, it was frustrating. The reading was not modern as it noted the aid of my "healing energy" with success in society — dispelling any separation I found comfort in. It left an overwhelming and strenuous view of my future, leading with the same question Latour notes: "[How can I] aspire enlightenment without modernity? (Latour, 1993, p. 12). After leaving the reading, I wanted a separation of my spirituality from rationality as I became irritated and devastated. I hated that my suspected future centred on money (something I have sparsely now) and wished to escape this stressor.

Where was I to turn to? It reminded me of the constant manifesting practices on social media. Did I have to pursue that? The mere thought made me wary as it seemed like a capitalistic tool; falsely promoting that it was "more than money — it is about spiritual fulfillment too" (Kieffer, 2020, p. 81). In a basic form, the Not Only but Also framework can be identified in Kieffer's comment — by interconnecting different frameworks — but I still felt uneasy (Greenwood, 2009, p. 157). My "healing energy" felt associated with a new form of capitalism, as how the psychic spoke was as if my merit was solely that, and I needed to utilize it (Kieffer, 2020, p. 85). 

Though it seemed like this on the surface, Kieffer notes that practices of manifestation and spirituality can offer a different application. Through the "[emphasis on my] own agency in employing spiritually enriching practices," a new path can be taken with higher enrichment (Kieffer, 2020, p. 86). However, what was holding me back? Specifically, what made me urgent to set separations in things like spirituality and modernism?

This pointed to an overwhelming sense of uncertainty around me. The psychic noted this as well, not with my life as a whole, but with my job (which I loathed). Karen Gregory reports this perpetual state of precarity, remarking how fear can latch to enchantment amidst the daunting state of our realities (Gregory, 2012, p. 276). Her findings directly linked to my mentality and downward spiral, especially after the reading. Regardless, maybe I needed to change my perspective again. Gregory notes the use of tarot, stating, "in tarot [a] decline is also [suggests] that other elements are at work and that transformation and rebirth will follow (Gregory, 2012, p. 265). With this, it is clear that I need to — like Kieffer recommends — find the agency to transform myself and my life. By utilizing my precarity instead, I can "come to feel [new possible] connections and [develop] despite the realities that continue to present themselves" (Gregory, 2012, p. 276).

All things considered, my psychic reading conjured many unexplored feelings and reflections about myself. Though I do not know what I truly believe now, I wish to put in the effort to change with the aid of the many researchers I mentioned above.

[frannyj]

References

Greenwood, S. (2009). ‘Not Only, but Also’: A New Attitude Toward Science. In The Anthropology of Magic (pp. 145–157). Anthropology Book, Routledge.

Gregory, K. (2012). Negotiating Precarity: Tarot as Spiritual Entrepreneurialism. Women’s Studies Quarterly, 40(3/4), 264–280. http://www.jstor.org/stable/23333498.

Josephson-Storm, J. A. (2017). Introduction. In The Myth of Disenchantment: Magic, Modernity, and The Birth of The Human Sciences (pp. 1–8). The University of Chicago Press.

Kieffer, K.G. (2020). Manifesting Millions: How Women’s Spiritual Entrepreneurship Genders Capitalism. Nova Religio 24(2), 80-104. https://www.muse.jhu.edu/article/772841.

Latour, B. (1993). We Have Never Been Modern. Harvard University Press.