francoproject

[francoproject]

What's up Tumblr? Been a minute since last we talked. I hope you have been doing well and amazing things.

Me not so much but I can say I have lived to learn. Watched to see. Listened to feel.

Yeah I am one of those people. "Deep thinker". Sometimes people tell me that I am an over-thinker. Which then I think to myself. If you are calling me an over Dose that means the people around don't take the time to think about something?

[francoproject]

Another holiday riding solo. My kids have Christmas gifts and I have done all I could with what I had to work with. So the family is taken care of.

It's new for me. I have no idea what to do. Can't go to my family and don't want to brother friends. My "get away bar" is closed and the mountains are not where I can get to. My depression is going to skyrocket and I will most likely be dealing with su1c1de. Yeah I have my meds and plenty of flower.

All of this is a petty party. I am sorry Tumblr it is just something I can't ignore. It's going to suck.

Merry Christmas

[francoproject]

Well definitely some stuff here gone down. My son's Mom freaking broke his heart. Broke a promise she said to him. And my poor son was trying to prove that she is someone that doesn't lie anymore. I hate it for him. I was the fool. lol And man when she got caught she turned it up by threatening to call the cops on me and I was trying to get to my kid. She started shoving me against the wall. I didn't fight back or nothing. Was just trying to get to my son. Damn she just made it worse. You know what I hate about myself? I was trying to believe her. Giving the benefit of the doubt and she goes just hurts my son. I hate it when I do that.

Pathetic.

I am sorry son. I didn't want to be right.

Probably going to end up roommates. That would actually be kinda cool. But noooo he has met a pretty cool girl. She actually reaches out to me for help saying she wants to understand my son better. She wants to understand his mind. That's amazing! It's been so long since I seen someone actually be genuine enough to do something like asking about the person. My son has PTSD because of how crazy I went nuts five years ago when this BS started and I caught her in a lie. A pretty big one. And then more and more. I ended up in a behavioral health hospital three times. Battled suicide three times pretty bad. One of them was actually an attempt. I just picked the wrong kinda pills. Praying to God to just let me sleep and not wake up. My son heard all of that. All the screaming and chaos as I was losing my mind not realizing who I was with for 20+ years. The walls in my house look like a warzone. I ruined my kids and I am trying like mad to make it right. For them. Oh forgot to mention I kicked her ou lt. He said he doesn't want her back for 30 days. And she did it! Finally got that one right. So I am back in my house and cleaning up all kinds of trash. An adult is in the home and it still looks disgusting.

I am sorry son.

[francoproject]

It's been some time now that I said anything to you Tumblr. Not really much to say. Still the same here. Depression and anxiety are out of control. 😂😭😂

But yeah I hope someone's HOPE is still alive. And that you protect your heart for what's real and nothing else.

[francoproject]

But I need to be honest. It's not going to be easy. So not worth the trouble. I honestly don't think anyone can help with the mind job I got stuck in. And all I can say is.

-Used Garbage

[francoproject]

“It all begins and ends in your mind. What you give power to, has power over you, if you allow it.”

— Unknown

[francoproject]

My Sunshine, it was your senior year and it was the night before you left for your big drama trip. You were so excited. That night I was driving you home so you could get your things packed. There was a very clear night sky. You leaned forward and looked up at the moon. I believe it was almost a full moon. Actually... It was a full one because that's what you said to me. Your face was softly lit by the moon. You said look! I couldn't because I was looking at the same little smile I remember you would have when you popped your head around the bed. The same look and smile. You were around 2 years old.

Thinking of you my Sunshine

-Dad

[francoproject]

[francoproject]

So sooo true.

“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”

— Louis C.K.

[francoproject]

Long day for some reason. It's not like I did a lot. Just need to take my night night meds and do better next time.

Good Night Tumblr

[francoproject]

“Growth is painful. Change is painful.But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.”

— Mandy Hale

[francoproject]

Ok I am ready.

[francoproject]

This holiday will be very new to me.

Riding solo. It's not fun. It sucks but, I get to experience a new thing in my life. Never thought it would be like this but I am slowly getting used to it.

Happy Thanksgiving Tumblr peeps I love your faces.

[francoproject]

A lot of people say that they need to find themselves. Me! I say find myself?? No! That's the way I was and that ruined who I was.

So no thanks I don't want to be that ignorant foolish guy ever again.

[francoproject]

Dear sir,

I was scrolling through Tumblr and came on your blog by chance. I have read few of your posts and I can relate to the part where you mention how depression makes you feel. I have been clinically diagnosed with depression too and I can understand how it makes you feel. Worst even when you are with company and family and worst even when you are alone. I have been taking medication and therapy too. Depression is in our roots and it is not as easy to remove it, so I try to look at it as a part of me which deserves love and care too, which means I try to think it as this easy that the depression doesn't want me to feel the way I do, but I still do and it is something which is not in my control. All I try to do is take it one day at a time, one step at a time and show myself some grace and hope at the end of doing tasks. I know you have your ways too to handle it, and I hope you can make them more healthy for you. One of the things which calms me is watching vlogs. Silent, calm, cozy vlogs. I will share few Youtubers too with you so you can give it a try and I really wish you do. Apart from that, loneliness can be healed if you have a furry friend too because they have the power of healing you, but for that we have to be really strong at our heart first because it is equal to taking care of a kid. You feed them, bath them, take them on walks, spend time with them, don't leave them alone for a long time, run with them, but treats for them, etc. and if you have had this experience before then you would know what I am talking about. :')

I really felt the need to write this down because I have been here what you are currently going through and I would say these feelings and loneliness could come at any time at any moment to me, so I know how it is like.

To share few Youtubers with you -

1) homeaway saskia

2) living with mandu

3) dal sol

4) cloudy hills

and if you like their content and vlogs, I hope you will get on and find some new content by yourself.

Practice breathing too please.

Please don't take anything in a rude or offensive sense. I have been through this. I have also been through losing all hopes and questioned my existence as well, I still do when depression comes crawling to me so I know how it is like. Wishing you strength and care. Please look after yourself and take care of yourself and you will find someone whom you can talk to or rely on in this process if you haven't. Keep fighting. You got this and I, a stranger, is proud of you. 💛

🌻❤️‍🩹

Wow! First let me say thank you. It has been hard for about 5 years now. I appreciate you saying what you said. It's actually nice to hear someone say something that I can understand. I have been on meds for about 4 years and yeah I had "a plan". You know the one they ask at the behavioral health hospitals. No I don't really have anyone at the moment that I can talk to. The ones before moved and visits are packed. (Guess there's a lot of us out there.) I have been trying to explain to others what a wave of depression does. I never EVER thought depression is like this. Please message again. I would like to meet you.

[francoproject]

[francoproject]

I would love this. I want this.